Getting glammed up and sitting on the fence now

Finishing up another exciting Tuesday in the computer lab. I didn't realize he pushed back the due date for this assignment; I'm halfway done (we have to do a linked list in two different implementations - one as an oo reasonable thing, and one as three parallel arrays, and I've finished one of them), and I guess kinda way ahead. So that's cool. Today's lab was really fast too, despite having not done any prework for it. I guess that means this semester is going pretty well, which is heartening. I like it when school goes well, it gives me a lot of confidence in myself, and reminds me that yes, I really do belong here.

Things with Becky have gone haywire. She's moving in. Yes, really. Mom suggested it (and, by implication, indicated she was okay with it), and it took us about two days to go for it. I'm pretty nervous about it, but I love her, she loves me, and I'm pretty confident we can work out just about any issues we might have. The main ones are our dogs getting along, and her getting to and from work on days when I can't give her a ride. Admittedly, it will be nice not having to drive between our two apartments a few times a day, and I can't say I'm sad to see her move out of Chapparal, both because of the area it's in and the past associations she has with it.

Speaking of which, I think she's going to see Ralph on Friday. His sister is going to pick him up and she's going to visit him in jail. I'm not exactly thrilled about it, but he was a huge part of her life for almost three years; I certainly wouldn't expect her to just make a clean break or anything. Hell, it took me a year and a half or so to finally break completely with Lilie, and sometimes, it was all too easy to forget what a scheming, manipulative, self-centered bitch she really was. But I definitely trust Rebecca. I've pretty much opened myself to her fully, without reservation, and placed my heart in her hands. I might live to regret it, but I know I'd regret it if I didn't, and I'm willing to accept a broken heart, but I don't want to regret not going for it. The other day on the way to work, she said something like "I want you to be my last long term relationship." Whoa. Yeah, I know. Could we really go all the way? I'm not really making specific plans for that just yet, but it's looking like a possibility. I do love her.

So I guess I'm going to go to Priebe's office hours Thursday morning and ask him some questions about this program. So much of his stuff is very vaguely defined, and stuff like this really needs structure, if you want to do it right. There's variables that make no sense, functions that seem almost useless, all kinds of things, and I want to know what's going. Plus, destructors.

My stab wound is getting better. The actual skin wound is getting smaller, and is already at the point where it's not really impressive to show it off anymore. Sadness. However, from my knee to my ankle is COVERED in massive bruises - I'll probably post pictures of it in a little bit - which Uncle Freddie says is indicative of things that could issues for me later in life, like blood clotting and a stroke. And death. So that's fun. The muscles really hurt, but that's to be expected, especially since I kind of push them. I mean, I'm careful not to put too much stress on them and give them time to heal, but I don't baby and pamper them completely. I don't want to come out of this injury with a massive loss of strength or speed (not that I have much of the latter to begin with, but I have been getting better in the last two months while playing racquetball with Matt). I did a few weights with it a few days ago, but I can really only use the muscle to apply miniscule pressure.

Work has been going okay. I'm still on reduced hours, so that's fun, but other than that, no real complaints. Gina finally realized that Trey is basically worthless, and he's getting demoted. At a food place. How crappy do you have to be to be told "I'm sorry, you can't handle your current responsibilities here" at a place like Domino's? It has moments that are stressful, and intra-personal communication is a bitch, but other than that, the job itself is really easy. Whatever. They put a thing in the latest meeting notes that up to five hours of MiT overtime per week is acceptable, so that's a positive sign. I think Dylan managed to get himself banned from the store by showing up all the time to hit on Sarah, and she showed her the text he wrote her. I have to follow up on that and confirm, but that makes me happy. Yes, I judge people quickly and harshly, but a) I give them the chance to prove me wrong, and b) I'm usually right. Suck on that.


Ting Tings -- That's Not My Name

I was Juliet, you were throwing pebbles

So how do I feel about Rebecca?  As evidenced by my blog posts, I've had a crush on her since the first time I saw her.  I thought she was very attractive, and desperately wanted to get to know her, but thought I'd never get the chance.  I thought this was like a dream come true, and I really jumped at it.  I didn't ask her right out, and it took a while for it to come out, but it eventually came out that they were still together.  I'll admit, I was a tiny bit saddened; I was really hoping we'd hook up.  I mean, I'll definitely take the oppurtunity as it presents itself, and I did.  I did let her know how I felt, and if I'm reading this right, she basically told me that she wished she had a chance to give me a chance to give us a chance.

The recurring theme that kept cropping up was that Ralph couldn't know, and I felt that was a little messed up.  We weren't doing anything wrong, what reason was there to hide it?  At least, that's a surface interpretation of the situation.  As it turned out, it's just a festering cesspool of drama (the best kind).  He's apparently crazy jealous, and constantly accuses her of cheating on him, of being with other guys.  I mean, it's to the point where he won't let her have a computer, because he thinks she'll just use it to meet guys and hook up with them.

Here's the thing about relationships.  They're built on trust.  You can argue about it being communication, passion, love, or something else, but I assert that trust is what it all boils down to.  Why would you be with someone you can't trust?  If you're in a relationship, trust is the cornerstone!  You can't stop people from doing stuff they want to do.  Why would you want to be with someone that will cheat on you given any chance, and it's your job to make sure they get no chance?  I really don't understand it.  Whatever.

So during the shakeout process, he called me twice from her phone.  I'm not really thrilled about that; I don't want to talk to him.  The first time was to tell me about how he was done with her and stuff, the second time was to tell me how much they loved each other and how they were getting married.  I should mention that he spent the time immediately afterwards calling varous members of his family to tell them what a whore she was.

Fuck him.  That's the last time I want him mentioned on this blog.

So, moving on.  Where does it go from here?  I don't know.  I talked to her briefly when she got to work today.  It sounds like she intends to go with it, at least for the moment.  It's less than twenty-four hours since the shakeout really started, so it's hard to say where this is going to go.  I want her to be happy.  If she marries some guy and we're friends, that's cool.  If she marries some douchebag out of necessity, well, that's one more failure I can hang on my head.  That's a little roundabout, but if I hadn't screwed up my school stuff, maybe I could offer her a place to live, clear the necessity out of it.  Then again, if I did, would I still be living here, working at Domino's, where she would have had the oppurtunity to come see me?  I don't know.

So I think I'm caught up for the most part; I'll probably throw out random pieces here and there as I continue coverage of this drama llama of a situation.

Taylor Swift -- Love Story

A million miles away, but always in my heart

So I opened it up, and started reading it.  I won't go into it word for word, but she did say that she missed me from when I used to stop by her work and talk to her all the time, and she felt like she lost a friend, and she missed me, and gave me her number and told me to call/text her.  She even specified that if I called her, I should make sure to leave a message.

It was like 11 pm by that point, and I wasn't sure what kind of schedule she was keeping these days, now that she was on days, so I felt it would be better to wait until the next day.  That, and I really wasn't sure what to say.  

Before I left, I put in her number just to see what would come up - and one order did come up, from a week previously, with a veggie pizza on it and Ralph's name.  That caught me a little off-guard, since that probably meant they were still together.

It took me until Sunday afternoon to send her a text; I wasn't quite sure what to expect.  We texted quite a bit - I think the count was about 130 (both ways) in a little under 24 hours.  I ended up giving her a ride home a day or two later, and on Wedneday, we went to the park together.  That was pretty cool.  I took her to the little playground off of Bishop, amongst all the new houses by Bishop and Lisa.  We played around out there for a little while; eventually, we stopped by my house, introduced her to the dogs, then took her back home.

That's when things got interesting.  It turns out Ralph found out about us fairly quickly.  He confronted her about it, then broke up with her.  

Oh, apparently, they're going to get married now.  So that's fun.  So, I have one more post to make, where I sum a few things - our feelings for each other, how fucked up their relationship is, and one or two other things.

Jessy -- My Star

Take the glitz back, I want the soul instead

Five months.

It's been about five months since I've posted. I'll try to catch up with what I've missed.

School:

School's going really well so far. Took those three classes during the Spring semester, got a 4.0. That was pretty neat. The day of Finals was kind of funny. They schedule like 2 hours for each final, and mine were back to back to back. Each final took me around thirty to forty-five minutes to do, giving me between forty-five minutes and an hour to kill between each final, in addition to the half hour break they already build in to the schedule. The obvious answer would be to use that time to review the material and/or study for the next final; the only problem with that, of course, is that I don't like to count on such intangible, unsure variables like that, so I was completely ready for each final. I went to a dining hall and grabbed some breakfast during one break, and I don't recall what I did during the other final. After the last one, I had to walk to work where Mom was picking me up to give me a ride home.

Something had gone crazy wrong with my truck. Ended up dropping quite a bit on new tires, then I had to have the engine remounted and stuff (they did it wrong during the original installation). That was fun. I ended up only taking three hours during summer school, one class during Summer I. Phil 1305, Introduction to Philosophy and Critical Thinking. The class was okay, I guess. Every morning at 8 am, for two hours, Monday through Friday. I ended up late to work quite a few days because of it, which was fun. I pulled a strong A in that class as well, which was really good, 'cause it was a Writing Intensive class, and I hate writing. It seemed like the more outlandish I made my conclusion, the better my grade on the test was. I don't know if it just did a better job of making my point, or my writing just got stronger as the semester went on, or the professor just appreciated someone who could effectively communicate the material and their understanding thereof, while still making their conclusion fun to read. I hope it was the latter, but I'm not counting on it. Whatever.

So I didn't take any classes during Summer II, 'cause of the money I had to drop on my truck. I'm registered for 13 hours, 4 classes and 1 lab, for the Fall. Chem II, Chem II Lab, Prob & Stat, Data Structures, and Intro to Fine Arts. I even got some financial aid for this and the Spring semesters. It's pretty awesome. Class starts in about two weeks. I've got most of my textbooks, bought two textbooks online - ebay and amazon are pretty neat, around half price of what the bookstore wanted, *and* I could flip them back for most of the price. I still have to pick up my Chem book/lab manual at the bookstore; the professor wrote both of them. So that's fun. Got my classes blocked Monday/Wednesday, which works out well. I start at 9:30 both mornings; Monday, I go to 6-something, on Wednesday, I'm out around 3-something. Long days, but I'll be taking both days off work so I don't have to go in that night. I might take the occasional Tuesday night off as well, to give me some time to get some real sleep. Of course, that's all depending on the work situation, which will have to get better before I'm able to do so, but we'll get to that later.

And I'm officially a senior.

So I don't feel like going into work just yet, so I guess I'll go with personal stuff next. I finally started a good diet that I'm comfortable with, and I feel confident that I can stick with it, for the most part. Coupling that with the amounts of exercise I have lined up, I hope, I really hope, that I can finally lose some weight.

Socially, it's just as much of an abyss as always. Didn't talk to anyone in any of my classes over the fall semester, or the one I had in the summer. I ended up sitting behind this semi-cute girl over the summer, didn't really get her name or anything. She was a hippie (Wait. Her parents were hippies. I'm not sure?) from Austin. Anyway.

So still friends with Matt, we work out and/or play racquetball in the mornings when our schedules work out. Haven't talked to Cullen recently, though I hope to remedy that soon. Rose is moving out of her parents place, which is cool, getting a little one bedroom; I'm helping her move (no big surprise there). Haven't made any new friends (except at work, but that gets covered in the work section) lately. Maybe that'll change in the Fall. I doubt it, but whatever.

Work's been interesting. Our new GM is working out really well, he's a really cool guy. We're getting pasta and sandwiches in the next few weeks (Sh! Nobody's allowed to know that!), which means we have to regear a lot of things, and find room for a bunch of new products, and retrain everyone on new stuff. It's going to be somewhat more labor-intensive, which kind of sucks. The only good part is that we're getting some good stuff, like sliced provolone, genoa salami, and chicken. Of course, they don't really fit in with my diet, so I'll only taste them sparingly, but it'll probably positively impact sales.

Bill no longer works there; he left to go to Colorado or something, leaving me as the only MiT right now. Jen Fee almost came back, but she went to Kyle instead. I've mentioned to Ambra that she should come back and be an MiT for us; new gm, new dm, there's a good chance they'll let her. They should - she's well trained, she's smart, they let her GM a store for over six months. Oh, and we're NOT DATING, nor WERE WE EVER. They're cracking down ever harder on employee dating, transferred a GM to a completely different district because she was dating another GM. Whatever. We did hire this awesome insider named Becky, but she only worked here for the summer. That made me sad, especially when she left like two weeks ago. Thanks to that, we're still working on improving our inside staff. We need another shift runner or MiT, probably another insider or two. We did hire Janelle as a driver, that's pretty neat. She might be moving back here for her last semester and/or year of school, which would be interesting. Her and Mom don't get along as well as her and I do, so she's a little worried that it might not work out, that they're going to clash too hard much for her to live here. I keep telling her that it was hard for me at first, but that it got a lot better, especially once school started.

Anyway.

So that's what's going on with that.

Vanessa Carlton -- Nolita Fairytale

Every time they turn the lights down, just wanna go the extra mile for you

Wow, it's been almost two months, maybe more, since I've posted anything. I post sporadically on MySpace, but I can't go nearly as in-depth there, partially because I don't like people I'm writing about to read it, especially if it's negative.

Let's see... work. It's a lot of fun. *So* much better than Sonic, Wal-Mart too. Kinda. The nice thing about Wal-Mart was the total lack of having to deal with customers, other than the occasional "Where do you guys have marshmallows?", and the hours were the best of any job I've had so far.

Anyway.

I'm registered for school, starting in '08. Three classes - Discrete I, Chem I, and Assembly Language. The first one is a funny story - I've already got credit for Discrete II, but they won't give me a blanket waiver for I, and it's an easy 'A'. Chem I, I've already wasted two tries on. It's going to be an annoying class, since it's probably going to be almost entirely freshmen and sophomores. And, of course, Assembly Language. No idea what's going to happen there. Thanks to Sonic and those 70 hours weeks, I was able to pay for this semester, including the ridiculous "You suck at life and are taking this class for the third time" fee. I mean, I understand why, and I'm not complaining about it, just how big it was. But I'm the one who fucked up, so I can live with it. Moving on.

Been playing a TON of Guitar Hero lately, picked up parts III and Rock the 80's. I tried Rock Band a few times at Wal-Mart, the drum-set is AWESOME. If I had a ps3 or 360, I'd buy it right now, but I don't, so I'm not. They're coming out with it for the ps2 later, and the Guitar Hero guitars work with it, so I might just buy the game for the new songs and stuff, wait 'til later to pick up the drums. Still playing WoW.

Personal life... not so much. Ran into Rebecca working at Wal-Mart, asked her out. She said she already had a boyfriend, that before that, she was dating a jerk. So she definitely knows I'm interested, and I have a tendency to end up at Wal-Mart late at night when she's working, so I'll see her from time to time, I'm sure. But I'm writing her off as a prospect, though I'd still take her out if the oppurtunity presented itself. Speaking of girls, I passed Lilie on the way to Bambi's today. She called me right afterwards, but I didn't answer. Just didn't feel like talking to her. Left a voice mail, haven't responded yet, not sure if I'm going to. She's just not a part of my life anymore, and it's her choice.

Then there's Beth, Ashley and Alaire's friend. Bill's dating Alaire now, I mentioned that I think Beth's the hottest of the three; he mentioned it to her via Alaire. Her response? "Well, I do need to get laid. Josh, who used to work with me, tells me she likes big guys. Whatever. Probably won't pursue that one either. I think I'm regressing - I didn't have any problems pursuing Lilie, but then again, she kind of threw herself at me. Sort of.

I'm not going to go into a huge rant about how basically every girlfriend I've ever been involved with has thrown herself at me, in one way or another.

Moving on.

Turned 25 last week, I'm officially old now.

Britney Spears -- Gimme More

I know when the heartache is over, I won't be missing you

This will be my 777^th post. Yay me. So, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Good stuff. It really snuck up on me this year - I hadn't done any shopping, but I remedied that today after work. Got a lamp and some perfume for Mom - both things she specifically told me she wanted, and a bath basket for Janelle. I'm getting her an external CD/DVD drive for her laptop, since a replacement internal drive will be something like 150+ dollars. She's worth it, but the part isn't. Needlessly expensive replacement components - another reason I don't like laptops. But yeah, we'll get her taken care of. Gonna get Bam and Greg a birdbath, but neither Walmart nor Lowe's had one. Mom's going to check the Home Depot in Kyle for me when she drives by. I figure I'll put two rubber ducks in it, 'cause that's cute, and those will be for Saxton. He might be a little young for them at the moment, but a kid is never too young to start collecting rubber ducks, right? Anyway, those are the big three on my list. After that, there's Rose, Lilie, Ambra, and David. I'm going to get them... well, I shouldn't write that here, since they all four, at one time or another, read this. Occasionally, at least. But I know what they're getting, and I hope they like it. I think they will.

Ambra's gone for Christmas, she won't be back 'til... Tuesday? It's all quiet and lonely here. David's going to be gone 'til January, Rose and Lilie are in Austin, and neither one's much for talking at the moment.

So, relationships. In the aftermath of the Lilie situation, as I continue to adjust to our new situation, I've done a lot of thinking at work about myself, about love, about life, the universe, and
everything (hint: 42).

Stop. Stop it right here. As I've done before, I'm going to stop myself and just replace what I was going to say, rant about, whine, bitch, and moan with a pretty picture:




Ah, I feel better. I still want to talk about relationships at some opint, but not what I was going to say.

Freemasons ft Amanda Wilson -- Love On My Mind

I'd never let him touch my heart

That last post was both too long, and not as informative as I had hoped. Suffice to say, the last two weeks had some pretty low points.

Anyway.

One other thing I wanted to talk about from work - Matt. Him and I have been getting along *great*, despite the disparity in our ages - he's actually like 31 or something. He's been there maybe three years, and I totally forgot that he worked there when I applied there. But yeah, we've been getting along really well, hanging out at lunch, giving him a ride to and from work at times, that kind of stuff. We've also been playing racquetball a lot - he's been totally kicking my ass, but not nearly as much as the scores suggest. I just have issues returning his serves. If I manage that, and we get to a volley, I more than hold my own. It's just that, well, he'll get like fix to seven aces IN A ROW, which makes things very disheartening. Briefly.

But the thing I wanted to touch on is one other way we're very similar - Mat is also in love with a girl who doesn't love him back. Not like he wants her to, at least. However, the key difference with him is that he's decided there isn't anyone else out there for him, that she's the only person he'll ever love, ever. He lives with her, but they're just friends, and I mean actually just friends. Nothing like the 'just friends' Lilie and I have at times, or anything even close. I mean, even if we didn't fool around like we do, we'd still be close - holding hands and the like. And while I may still be hopelessly in love with her, I'm not so far gone as to believe that she's the only person out there that I could ever love, that it's her or nothing, ever. I mean, that sort of unwavering, unquestionable love may make for great stories, but it's too heart-wrenching of a way to approach life. I guess I could see it if we had been together for a long time or something, but we weren't, and it doesn't really apply here. It's kind of an eye-opener, to see how he's completely attached his life to hers. That's not something I want to go through.

Then, of course, the question comes up, would moving in with them be a step in that direction? Maybe, but I don't think so. I mean, I've contemplated dating other girls, I'm not so far gone as to believe she's the only one for me, ever, that it's her or nothing for the rest of my life. I mean, if she ever wanted to get back together, I'd be all for it, though I know that there are core differences that stop us from being a great couple, and that they'd have to change or be reconciled before "us" would happen, and I don't see that happening any time soon. Which is fine - I don't believe in changing the core of who you are for someone else. But yeah, we've even talked about it. Kinda. We talked more about physical aspects than dating - she's finally not shy about telling me when she's crushing on someone else, because maybe I've finally got her to realize that I'm okay with it? I hope so. I'm finally able to talk to her about my experience with others, as well - nothing major, just things like I've been really noticing - staring at, really - my roommate's massive rack lately. Her possessiveness/insecurity was kind of cute, while somewhat revealing - "You just don't love my boobs anymore", that kind of thing.

So yeah, seeing Matt go through the sheer hell that he does with Celeste is a real eye-opener, makes me see what I could have been, if I had taken the Lilie thing too far, and I think a lot of people, when they council me to move on past her, fear that I'm doing what he is, while I'm not.

Deep Dish vs Dire Straits -- Flashing for Money

Make us feel so cold inside, but they cannot take us back

I feel like writing about work a little, since Brenda is continuing to be a major bitch.

First, some background: The first phase of each shift is getting all the stuff off the palettes. It's generally sorted by aisle, but there is some overlap, some mix-ups, and some random stuff. There's also baby food, which we don't deal with at all. We just put that to the side, some lady comes in and takes care of it. We generally use a shopping cart or two, just put all the baby food in there. We use as few carts as possible, for a few reasons.

So earlier:

I knew Brenda has a shopping cart with baby food, since she had had some earlier, and I was just getting to some on my palette, so I went over to her to ask if she was done with the baby food on her stacks, so I could start getting rid of mine. One other side note: I'm fully aware that this whole thing could just be me projecting my dislike of her onto her, and subconsciously provoking her into responding negatively, thus justifying my dislike of her. It's possible. So I've been very careful to watch the tone of my voice, the diction I use when talking to her, to make sure I'm being appropriately polite and not inciting things.

I walked over to where she was downstacking palette and asked her if she had any more baby food left, or if I could use the cart. She was really rude about telling me that no, she didn't have any left, and yes, I could use the cart.

Wait.

That wasn't the bad part.

So we got a ton of those little packets of crackers. Like, a box containing 10 little packets of maybe 8 sandwich crackers - cheese on cheese, pb on cheese, etc. We had, um, like eight cases of each. Maybe two of each will go up, so we were stacking the overflow on this cart. She walks part the cart, the turns onto the aisle with the crackers in question. I tell that there's a cart for the crackers, 'cause there's already too many on the floor; she looks at me, and kinda starts muttering under her breath.

It doesn't sound very bad in the retelling. But she was being a bitch.

That sounds like a totally unjustified attack against someone I just don't like. Hmm. I'll have to work on that.

Anyway. Moving on.

Lilie and Rose have both found some great company lately. Lilie's got a crush on some guy at work who just broke up with his girlfriend, and she wasn't the "only reason", and Rose met some guy online and they're having a great time. (I feel like I need to clarify a point here - it's not that's it's Lilie specifically that brings this up - I mean, yes, it is, because she's one of my closest friends, and someone I probably talk to more than almost anyone else, but not because she's my ex-girlfriend that I still harbor a lot of affection for. I want things to work out for her and whomever she may choose, and I don't say that in a cynical, wounded, depressed way, like I did with Sean, and to a lesser extent, Scott. More like a content, happy way, that things are going well for my best friend. Anyway.) I certainly don't begrudge either one of them that; however, it does serve to drive home my current social isolation. I mean, well... there's two aspects I'm looking at it from - general social; that is, forming friendships, establishing a community of people you network with, that kind of thing; and closer, intimate relationships - girlfriends, significant others, whatever you may wish to call them. Now, I don't really feel like whining about the second one - I've done so at great length, and even I grow fatigued by the constant, unrelenting onslaught of rhetoric that I've seen fit to spew across my digital journal. I mean, I don't have DPD - I don't *have* to be in a relationship. All things being equal, I do prefer to be in one; it's nice. The intimacy, the shared emotions, the mutual trust, support, and affection... but no. Not today. It's the first upon which I focus my concentration on this evening.

It's weird. It wasn't very bad during the months I wasn't working - I was almost completely isolated. I didn't really see anybody, besides Ambra, the occasional delivery guy, and the family on Sundays. And I didn't miss them at all, to be honest. However, now that I'm taking strides to re-enter the real world, interact with other human beings, and do so on a daily basis, I do find myself lonely, and craving more true interaction, conversation, and even friendship. I guess being back on the fringe is worse than being cut off altogether?

Anastacia -- I Do

Never ever have I ever felt so low

So Jess asked me today how things are going with Ambra, and Felicia and I touched on that topic when she called about getting some stuff for the Steak Fanatic pizza, since she was about to run out and the office decided at the last minute to prolong the period of time in which we're offering the disgusting abomination. Yeah.

In both cases, I didn't really have an answer. Well, I did, kinda. The answer I had was that there wasn't anything to be going. I think that's my fault, as I haven't really pursued anything yet, mainly due to our schedules. Well, that, and I don't think I'm in an emotional state to even consider seeing someone else, when I can't seem to get past the last person I saw. I don't think it would be fair, the whole thing just sort of screams 'rebound' to me. So every time the oppurtunity arises, I passively let it go. Which got me to thinking about whether or not I should even try. I mean, first off, I'm not over Lilie, not by a long shot. Her stopping by work today and talking was enough to send me to the walk-in, crying, after she left, which was fun. Yeah. But something occurred to me about my relationship history the other day. Generally speaking, if the past is any indicator, this (Ambra) would end up being a disaster, or not ending well, or something like that, for the simple reason that someone else didn't do the hard part already.

That sounds a little weird, so I'm going to go dredging about in my past, a favorite pasttime of mine, and categorize my relationships by some new standards and see what patterns emerge. It should be fun.

Chelsea

Ah, yes, the one that started it all. Now, to be fair, you can't really even call this one a relationship. I mean, holy crap, we were kids. To be fair, yeah, a lot of kids are pursuing relationships - or some twisted version of it - this young, but I sure as hell didn't know what was going on.

• Initiation: Completely by myself. No help, nothing from her.
  
• Duration: A year, from the beginning to the end, but there's a lot of holes in the middle.
  
• Quality: Terrible. As I said, I had no frickin' clue what the hell was going on. My connection to reality has always been tenuous at best, and it was particularly weak concerning the fairer sex when I was younger (not to imply, by contrast, that it's any better now.)
  
• How: She finally realized that the entire thing was a terrible idea, had nothing to do with reality, and ended it. I appluad her for the action.
  
• Now: We never really talked before hand - I was too nervous - and not much after - I was too embarrassed. So, yeah.
  

Overall, a complete disaster. And it was all me. Isolated incident, or ignored foretelling? We'll see.

Shayna

I moped around a lot after Chelsea dumped me; one day, in Gamez's Algebra I class, Shayna raised her hand and asked, "Can I go over to Billy's desk and talk to him to make sure he's okay?" And gosh darn it, she did.

• Initiation: It was kind of a natural progression from the concern she showed for me, and the whole thing kind of grew out of that. I can't remember who asked who out, but the whole thing started from her.
  
• Duration: A couple months? I remember telling her I had a crush on Barbara in Ms. Baker's science class, which was still eighth grade, so I'm going to go with about three months, give or take.
  
• Quality: Pretty good, all things considered. Looking back, I'd say we clicked on certain things, and didn't really on other things, but more so positive than negative.
  
• How: She started things off when she came over and checked on me, and moved the whole thing along, until I torpedoed it all to hell. I'm pretty good at that. Told her I had written Barbara a secret-admirer letter, and that was pretty much that.
  
• Now: Friendly all the way through high school, but I haven't talked to her since. We're friends on MySpace, but haven't actually had any communication since. Good stuff.
  

She started things off, and they went well, until I ended them in my own special way. Inconclusive so far.

Barbara

So I developed a crush on Barbara, and pursued it. We went out for a while. I want to say sometime in April until band camp in the summer of our freshman year. Yeah, that sounds about right - her birthday was in late April, and I went to that as her boyfriend (or whatever), and I remember Josh giving me her break-up note after practice one day in summer band.

• Initiation: I asked her out after telling her I liked her. Nothing from anybody else.
  
• Duration: A few months. Five?
  
• Quality: Meh. We wrote letters back and forth almost every day, and went on a few outings - mainly movies, that I can remember. The Saint, Empire Strikes Back (I think), and Volcano spring to mind.
  
• How: We wrote letters back and forth all the time, so she broke up with me via letter - gave it to Josh to give to me after he was sure she'd left. In it, she said that I was "Immature" and two other things I don't really remember. She later (several years later) told me that she actually felt smothered. Fair enough.
  
• Now: We eventually started talking again later in high school after she spent most of freshmen year ignoring me (actively), except when her and Terri needed help in Biology, since Dufas was really, really bizarre and I was one of the few people who was able to figure out just what the hell he was trying to teach us on any given day. Spent some time with her via David a year or more ago, but nothing recent.
  

So this one is kinda like Chelsea - I started the whole thing, no third party help and nothing from her, and it was... well, lukewarm, for lack of a better word, and it ended with almost no warning.

Mary

Not going to go through the whole thing with Mary, since it lasted... three weeks, if that? I'll just mention that she asked me out within two weeks of school starting, we went on one date, and then she broke up with me. Fun stuff.

Crystal

Almost the exact same pattern as above. Hmm...

Kenni

Ah, Kenni. These were the good old days. Now that I think about it, I'm probably going to drop the structed list format and just kind of ramble. I met her at a pool party when Kristina asked if she could bring her little sister, which she did. Didn't think much of it at the time, 'til school started. Kenni was a freshman; I was a junior. Every morning, she'd come find me and give me a big hug and wish me a good day. Didn't matter where I was - in the cafetaria, chess club, or doing random tutoring in an equally random classroom - every morning, a good-morning hug. I eventually realized that that might be a sign, talked to Kristina about it briefly, asked her mom for permission, then went for it. Great relatiionship - we hung out a lot, enjoyed each other's company, gave each other our first kiss after the Homecoming Dance... good memories. It ended rather abruptly, because of a third party, it had nothing to do with either of us. So yeah, fairly successful, overall, and she started it.

Mindy

I'll try to keep this one brief. Crystal introduced us, since she thought we'd be good for each other, and Mindy wanted an older boyfriend. We hit it off very well right from the start, and had a long (at least by my standards - a year and a half) rollar-coaster relationship. We broke up and got back together eight times, and were a *bunch* of firsts for each other. Finally ended when I started going to UT. Fairly successful overall, and Crystal started it for us.

Suzie

She im'ed me one evening about what a jackalope was, and when we finally started hanging out, she dropped a ton of hints - we were sitting in her bed, and she had me start brushing her hair, a few others, until she finally takes me to this empty beach at like three am, and we had a moonlight stroll with the tide gently lapping at our ankles. I kissed her, she kissed me back, and we launched a four month relationship that lasted until I broke up with her on February 1st.

Lilie

Credit for this one goes to Kristen and Allison, who seriously tried to hook us up, and talked too much about it, respectively. The thought crossed my mind a few times during the relationship if it would have happened without their actions. Meh. Another fairly successful relationship brought about by other people's actions.

Sara

We only went on one date, but this was one that I pursued unilaterally, without second or third party assistance. Bombed when she found out I was an atheist, and told me she wouldn't be comfortable dating someone outside her religion.

Terri

Sort of skipped her, but I threw out any pretense of order a while back, and I'm approaching stream-of-consciousness writing here. We have a longer history than Mindy and I, and most likely just as tangled. It's really hard to say anything about this one in this context, though I remember one evneing at the Alkek library when she was definitely pushing hard to the hoop.

I guess the idea I'm trying to explore is that by far, my successful relationships have been those that were initiated by or came to fruitation through the acions of someone else, even the girl in question - Lilie, Mindy, Kenni, Suzie; whereas those that I initiated completely on my own - Barbara, Heather, Sara - tended to be lukewarm, go nowhere, and end relatively quickly or never even start. Now, it's not a definite rule - look at Crystal and Mary for very good counter-examples. However, as a general hypothesis, it does seem to fit most of the current evidence fairly well. Now, as to why, I have no idea. Granted, there's probably more of a confidence boost when there's definite signals coming in, and the fear of rejection is much, much less. That, and there's several layers of filtering already done, so any early flags that might have been thrown have already been cleared. However, I've never liked depending on other people to carry important messages for me - I'd rather do it myself.

I came to this realization almost a month ago during some reminiscing. I think it scares me, because as I grow more and more socially isolated, the chances of having that third party assistance - which, for the record, I've never solicited - declines rather steadily, not to say anything of the likelihood of second party signals.

I don't think much of this post makes sense, but I'm going to go with it anyway.


All Saints -- Never Ever

I hide away my fears, hoping no one will come near

Ow.

So I'm ridiculously bored and lonely, and looking for something, anything, to do to keep me from going insane. David is in Denver spending the holidays with his family instead of here, so I'm watching MST3K by myself.

So I've been thinking. Why is it that some people can't find meaningful sex? Some people have sex with plenty of people they think they actually cared about, relationships they acted like they would actually go somewhere. Yet, when a lot of people try to find a relationship, something beyond just normal everyday sex with someone they couldn't give one tenth of one shit about, they can't find it? First, why the hell are they having sex with someone they couldn't give one tenth of one shit about, if they're looking for a close relationship? Are men today just incapable of actual romance? No, I don't think that's it. I think it's that the vast majority of women are, though they'll deny it, cruel, cold-hearted bitches that are not only incredibly self-centered, but want things both ways - proverbially speaking, they want to have their cake and eat it too. Some people find success at first, by hiding those negative traits for a while, and end up scarring the people they're with, giving them enough emotional baggage to make later attempts doomed to failure. That's why the "good ones" get harder and harder to find later on. What's the world coming to?

Anyway, I write this under the effect of a major negative emotional spiral, a huge downswing, and a night of crying, but that doesn't absolve me of any responsibility of what I say. That is all.

Milk, Inc -- Living a Lie

'Cause when your nose is running, it's a perfect time for kissing and hugging

Note: I started this post last night, but the 'net went all wonky on me, and I ended up going to Wal-Mart and doing some grocery shopping. I'm going to pick up where I left off.

It's times like this I feel small pangs of regret concerning my lifestyles choices. It's 12:30 in the morning, and I'm cold, lonely, and depressed. Disclaimer: Yes, I know it's both (a) the result of conscious decisions on my part and (b) both my fault and my responsibility. Most of the time, I don't care. I find most people to be not worth the time it takes to interact with them.

But sometimes, I just get really, really down. Usually it's not triggered by anything specific. Event-triggered depression is much easier to deal with, because you at least have a focus for your thoughts, and can understand why you feel the way you do. But times like this, it feels like, well, being stuck underwater near a waterfall or other heavy current in the dark. You're getting turned and tossed about, can't feel or see anything, and are about to run out of air.

This is one of those times I really wish I was in a relationship, or at the very least, saw Lilie a little more often. [This is where my 'net went all wonky, and I left, and I'm picking up about fifteen hours later.] 'Cause times like this, I really just want to be be held, to cuddle up against someone and have them stroke my head, just be comforted. Maybe it's 'cause, as Ray is so fond of saying, I am in fact a woman. It's kind of like that night, two and a half days after Lilie and I got back together, where I started feeling like this, IM'ed her, and she ended up coming over and holding me. Of course, that night ended very badly, so it's not the greatest example in the world, but it'll do. I'm not sure if I'm not crying now 'cause it's not as bad, or I've started learning to deal with it, or what.

So yeah.

Jewel -- Cold Song

When you walk away, you don't hear me say 'Please, oh baby, don't go'

Wow. Even now, I am amazed at how completely my view of the world can change in the course of a few days. Sixty hours ago, I was upset at almost everything, ready to give up on a bunch of things that really mattered to me, and just on the verge of tears. Now, I feel much better. Granted, the first part was due partly to a lack of quality sleep, some misunderstandings, and me still needing to work on chilling out - I'm making progress, slowly - but the turnaround is still palpable. Lilie and I talked some more, and we're back where we always are. Which is a good place to be. Now, if only I could convince her that it would be much, much better to tell me if she starts dating someone, even if it's someone I know, things would be spectacular.

I mean, it kind of scares me at times. I love her. I really, really do. Maybe too much? Well, no. Not to the point where I'd kill myself if she moved away or something like that. Or stalk her, or anything like that. But I do love her a great deal. And yeah, I wish we were together. Failing that, though, what we have now - very close best friends that kiss a lot and hang out and what-not is probably the next best thing. But what I mean that I love her too much is that no matter what we go through, I'm fairly certain that if she ever came up to me and told me that she wanted to get back together, I would. Even after all the pain, the uncertainty, the roller coasters...

Yeah, so anyway. She said that she didn't want to tell me if she was dating someone else because she didn't want to hurt me more, she'd already put me through so much, that I deserved better, etc. None of which is true - well, I mean, the not wanting to hurt me more part probably is, but the rest... "Somebody better"? That's a load of crap, on so many levels. I think we go well together - not perfect; there are a few areas we do differ significantly - but for the most part, yeah. Otherwise, we wouldn't have gone through all we have, and still be where we are.

So that leaves the idea of her dating someone else, with the possibility of it being someone I know. I've already gone through that, for the most part, when she got together with Scott. Well, except for the "someone you know" part. But I have gone through her dating someone else. And yeah, it really, really hurt at first. A huge part of that was the circumstances around it - she said she was leaving to take a vacation, I asked her if there was a boy involved, she said no, we had a huge, heart-felt discussion about it. Then she leaves, and that evening, I stumble upon her journal, and discover the heart-wrenching truth. A huge part of it was that just two days ago, she had told me that exact opposite. I mean, it's one of the ways we're different, how we prefer to handle that kind of situation. I'd rather know straight up, from the beginning. Anyway... I was glad she was with Scott, that things were working out for them. Hell, I even took her to the airport to go see him, and picked her up when she got back. Granted, that was the time he broke up with her, but still. I want her to be happy, and if she's happier with someone else, so be it. And yeah, I understand that she just didn't want to hurt me. But I've already discussed me feelings about that at great length. So anyway. The point I'm trying to make is that I hope she will tell me. I'm horribly insecure, and one of the reasons I'm so weird about her is that I'm afraid that she'll hook up with someone else and I won't know. That the whole world will be laughing at me as I walk around, oblivious. I also understand her hesitation if it was someone we know. That could be... awkward, at best, especially if they know how I feel about her, and given our mutual friends, that's almost a given. The only person I can think of that it might happen with is Mokry from work. He's also the example she always uses, which I can understand. He's smart, funny, attractive, got his stuff in order and a good plan outlined... wouldn't blame her one bit if they hooked up. I'd want things to go well for them. And as far as things being awkward is concerned - I'd sure hope not. Mokry and I are becoming very good friends as well, and I wouldn't that to be disrupted for a girl. I wouldn't say or do anything to contribute to anything awkward about the situation, because I'd want her to be happy.

So yeah. That's how I feel about all that.

I am the revolution

(Edit: Those post was originally started Thursday morning. It's now Saturday afternoon, and I'm finishing it. I'll mark where I got to on Thursday, to help with that.)

Interesting thing happened to me today.

I got rear-ended.

I'm glad I'm practicing saying this here, as opposed to at work. If I were to say it first in front of Ray or Thompson, it'd turn into a huge continuation of the "Billy *loves* the cock." running gag that we've got going on. But yeah. I was sitting at the light at Holland and RR12, heading out of town. Fairly long line at the light - it was red - slowly inching forward. I inch forward along with everyone else, then stop. I'm sitting there, jamming out to "Love Will Come" by Jam Jameston, when I feel a slight bump. Or think I do. Wasn't quite sure. I look around, didn't hit anything. I look in my rear-view mirror, notice that the car in front of me is close. *Very* close. Next time I pull up a little more, I look at the car again. Sure enough, there's a big circular dent where my bumper tilts down a little. She didn't look too happy. I pulled into the gas station right there, in case she wanted to talk or something. She just drove on.

I laughed.

So yeah, that was semi-intersting.

Lilie and I talked again last night. (If anyone sighs, I'm going to smack them.) I kind of layed it all out for her. She also read all the venting in my blog.

(Note: This is far as I got on Thursday. I'm now switching over to Saturday afternoon).

So yeah, we talked. Had another soul-searching, close conversation while... I was checking her out. Not in a 'look her up and down' type way, but a 'count her money she just turned in and end her shift as a driver, as far as the computer's concerned' type way. But yeah, we talked. A lot. She cried. That made me cry. Later. Well, that, and a few other things. But anyway... I think we've finally got closure on the whole situation. We're just best friends. Best friends that are *very* close, emotionally and physically, but just best friends. She just *can't* do a committed relationship right now, and she's not sure how she feels. I believe that she want(ed)s to, which explains our brief relapse a while back - the two and a half day fiasco. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels, and she knows that if she ever wants to try again, I'll be here. Or there. Or somewhere.

The ambiguity was really hard for me to deal with, but rejection... that's something I'm used to, familiar with, *that*, I can handle. To be fair, though, it's not rejection in the normal sense. She doesn't not like me, she's not in another relationship... we just didn't fit. At least not now. But we're still really close, and I don't think that will change any time soon. Neither one of us is willing to give that up, and there's no reason to. I love her, she loves me.

Things are good.

I s'pose. Work's been interesting, but more on that later. I'd like to actually publish this post.

If you want me to stay, I'll never leave

People have asked me before, "What are you looking for in a girl?" I've never really had a good answer to that question. I mean, I could usually come up with an answer - it'd vary. Something flippant, perhaps - "Well, female, preferably; physically and mentally capable and competent would be nice"; on other occasions, something incredible general - "Well, someone nice, sweet, and intelligent." While both of those are true answers, they are far from complete. I'd venture to say most people would describe their ideal mate in such a fashion - certainly not in *that* fashion, but that those would either (a) be assumed, or (b) present in one form or another.

That all changed a few days ago.

Well, to be fair, that's a little melodramatic. There wasn't some cataclysmic event that occurred which caused some drastic change in myself, my outlook on life, or anything of that nature. The same can be said of my mood that day. But that's beside the point, other than that they share a common cause.

This isn't about anything physical. Granted, there are certain attributes and combinations that I tend to favor. Green eyes/red hair/freckles is one that I didn't really notice until about two years ago, but it is currently my favorite. Blonde hair/blue eyes is always a classic; I also like long, dark curly hair coupled with dark eyes. Really dark eyes. The kind where you're not sure where the colored part ends and the central black part (I can't remember the technical terms for them; biology was never a favorite subject of mine; perhaps it's the cornea and the iris? Not sure.) begins. Tall and short have never really been an issue - Zara was tiny, Suzanne is almost as tall as I; I wouldn't mind dating someone taller. Some time in the last couple of years, I've become something of a 'breast guy', in that that's the main secondary sexual attribute I notice - as opposed to an 'ass guy' or a 'leg guy'. There are others, but those are the main three. But again, that's not really something I assign a great deal of priority to - while it something I do notice and definitely enjoy, simply compare Suzie and Lilie to Mindy and Zara. In short, a comparison of girls who've caught my eye (I love hyphenated statements, to the point of overuse. Deal with it.) - Lilie, Melissa, Mindy, Samantha, Leslie, Taylor Stevens, Chelsea, Zara, Suzanne; they definitely run the gamut. The whole point I'm trying to make with this is that I've been attracted to girls all over the physical spectrum.

Oh, and I'd really like to have a girlfriend that has wings. Huge feathery wings that she can conceal at will, just so I can be there for the moments when they pop out. And I think it'd be really cool to be embraced by them, especially in bed. Yeah, that's be cool. Unless she started tickling me with them, 'cause I'm really ticklish. But even that would be cool.

However, I digress.

The original point of this post is that I've finally discovered a necessary trait for me, when discussing possible mates. Significant others. Girlfriends. Whatever you may wish to call them.

Simply put, well, crap. There's no real 'simple' way to put it, so I'll just use my normal method of vague, half-coherent rambling, and hope that I've put across enough of the core subject that someone, somewhere, understands it.

I want someone that will tell me the truth. Someone that won't play little mind games, that respects me enough to think that I DESERVE to know what's really going on. I'm tired of mind games, of "I didn't want to hurt you", of people refusing to take responsibility for their own actions. After that introduction, I'd like to add in some qualification. I understand that at times, lying is necessary. However, it's been my experience that people (girls) don't understand when it is. Throwing a surprise party for your beau, and need them out of the house for a while, then back at a specific time? Yes, lie your head off. I guess you could throw in jokes, gags, that kind of thing as well.

Now, breaking up with someone is a time when it's NOT okay. "But I don't want to hurt their feelings". Bullshit. That line - and yes, it is most definitely nothing but a line - means one of a few things. First and foremost, we need to better define the situation under examination. If the breakup is mutual, it probably doesn't matter why you tell each other you're breaking up (though under one case, it does. We'll get to that later.) If he's done something atrocious - hit you, cheated on you, lied about something equally important, then yeah, it doesn't really matter what you tell him on the way out (if that even happens). If one of you has just completely stopped caring about the other - I don't mean affectionately and romantically, I mean *at all*, wherein if you found out the next day they'd been hit by a bus, your only response would be "Heh. Guess I'm not getting my five bucks back", then yeah, it probably doesn't matter. I'm only going through these exceptions because I just read A Guide to Fallacy Free Arguments and am currently working my way through Plato's Republic.

So now, we've established that we're limiting our field of discourse to breakups where it's still somewhat amicable and there are no extenuating circumstances. So, what do people (girls) *really* mean when they say "I didn't want to hurt you?" Well, it usually means one of a couple things. A lot of times, they're only superficially considering the situation. Granted, you may spare some pain by giving your (now) ex-significant other a kindler, gentler reason for the split. However, the pain you've saved them will be revisited upon them tenfold when they discover that (a) you were lying to them and (b) the real reason for the breakup. You're also saying that you don't respect them enough as a human being to feel that they deserve to know the truth. That, or they're not emotionally mature enough to handle it. Either way, you're certainly not doing them a favor. Another common response is "Well, it's none of their business." Yes, it is. You made it their business when you started dating them. And, worst case in that scenario, telling that you don't want to tell them why is still better than a false reason.

I think that's one of the reasons I look back on my time with Mindy so fondly, despite it sounding horrific when I reminisce. Sure, she had a tendency to dump me for another guy - well, it only happened two or three times. Two that I can remember. But I never had to worry about happening and her not telling me. I could sleep soundly confident that I knew where I stood with her. That might sound a little odd, but remember, she was kind of weird. Granted, so was I. The whole thing was pretty gosh-darn weird. I think most of my relationships are. The more successful, the weird they are. But that's a digression from the main point. The resaon I look back on my time with Mindy, despite its outward oddity, is how open we were with each other.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm saying that both people should immediately lay themselves out bare, share every secret, their entire life story, etc. Nor am I saying that there shouldn't be any mystery, any mystique. I'll be the first to admit it's a fine line to walk, and one that's easy to go back and forth on. I'm just outlining a quality I've finally realized I desire in a potential... well, girlfriend. I guess. I think that, more than anything else, would earn my affection.

Though giant feathery wings wouldn't hurt.

I'm sorry. I broke one of the unspoken understandings of our relationship. I won't do it again.

To wreak havoc and destruction, and to strike fear

Don't listen to anything that I say. I have no idea what's going on. Well, I do. We talked about it. Kinda. And it's mutual that we have no idea what's going on. Sort of. So we're not worrying about it. At least not officially. Unofficially, it's quite an emotional rollar-coaster for me. Granted, it's sort of evened out lately. Kinda. At times. Something like that. But as recent events prove, that's not anything to take *that* much comfort in. It's partly because of who and how I am, partly because of all the other stuff that's going on right now, which makes it difficult not to get upset about things. So yeah... I guess I'm just going to hang on and stop trying to figure out where it's heading, where the end is.

Or something like that.

Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful

It's 7 am in the morning, it's raining cats and dogs outside with the occasional booming thundercrack, and Lilie's sleeping in my bed. Normally I'd be lying in there with her - especially being able to listen to the rain falling outside, and indeed, that's what I was doing for a while. A long while. An hour? I know I fell asleep, but it wasn't for very long. I've mainly been awake, listening to the rain falling outside, to her breathing, watching her sleep. That almost sounds like a stalker-y kind of thing, 'til you realize that a) we're dating, b) we sleep together fairly regularly, and c) I have really odd sleeping habits, and she knows that, so she wouldn't be surprised for me to tell her something like that.

Things seem to be going fairly well between us so far. Well, yeah. She hasn't freaked out and bolted or felt closed in or anything yet. Of course, we've been dating, what, a day and a half? Something like that. But I think it'll go well for a couple reasons. First, I want it to, and like a lot of people, I foolishly believe my desires can have some effect on the cosmos at large. But more importantly, we did have a fairly in-depth conversation via IM (not our first choice for having it, but it just couldn't wait any longer. Seriously. We both wanted to do it in person, but we wouldn't put it off any more.) about a lot of things - what happened last time, how she feels, why we've been the way we are with each other, that kind of thing. It's that kind of openness that gives me hope that we'll endure, and, failing that, our closeness and friendship will endure even if we don't. So that's another plus - we're best friends, and will continue to be, even if we don't work out as a couple. We were thinking about going swimming today - though that's looking to be somewhat unlikely, given the rain - or going to see Fantastic Four, depending on how she felt when she woke up. Of course, her crashing here was something that didn't come about 'til the last minute. Caught me completely by surprise. It's just... nice. Comfortable. I'm not worried about how she feels, if she's having a good time, if she enjoys being together, anything. Again, that might just be because it's still brand new, and everything's still all rainbows and tulips, but... I doubt it. Again, there's just a lot of things going for us; the major one being how close we've always been from the start, how there's always been *something* between us. So yeah.

So work. Fun times. I'm in my third week and I've already gotten a bigger raise than I ever got at Sonic, a 20 dollar bonus on my first evaluation, and am running shifts. I mean, closed by myself on Wednesday - Gina left around 9 or 10 and I ran the show from then on; today, she left at like 8 or so, but Jenn, Sergio and Shelley were still there. I was nominally in charge, but I deferred to their knowledge in a lot of areas. I'm slowly growing more confident in my ability to take care of things as my understanding of the various systems increases. Gina told Lilie that I did a fantastic job and didn't screw anything up my first night closing, so that's cool. It is really cool to be working with Lilie again, and we often hug or whatever when we get the chance. I'm a huge fan of PDA's, just not at work.

Green, black and blue; Make the colors in the sky

Wow. We both agreed that we'd rather the conversation in person, and that it should wait until after Joe had left.

That didn't happen.

Last night on IM...

When I woke up this morning, I thought it was a dream. So I got back on, checked my logs, sure enough, it was there. Then I went back to sleep and didn't wake up 'til about 4 pm, and had no recollection of either the conversation, or my later thoughts on the conversation concerning its being a dream.

All that aside, now that we have ascertained that this was, in fact, what actually transpired, and neither a dream nor an elaborate hoax perpetuated by my brother, Malfuion Stor... I mean, an elaborate hoax perpetuated by, well, whoever would feel it necessary to perpetuate that sort of elaborate hoax. But it's not a hoax. Not even terribly elaborate, I would venture to say.

That made no sense. Forgive me, I've only been awake for like twenty minutes, and I think I slept for about twelve hours. Give or take. So I'm still adjusting to what is, what isn't, and trying to get my eyesight fully functional.

But it's true. I was right. She wants to get back together. Sorta. She wants to "give it another shot. But I'm not in any sort of place to get involved in anything serious or committed or complicated...with ANYONE...right now." That helps.

"I want to BE more than friends...I just can't handle anything horribly complicated, like...committed relationships. Believe me, there's a lot I haven't had the time or opportunity to get over, and I just wanna keep it casual...but I want to be more than friends."

"But I don't WANT to give up on you, and I certainly don't want you to give up on me just because I've got some horrid luck and can't understand my own brain."

"I want...SOMETHING."

"You've always been the one that's been there for me, even when I was in the process of breaking your heart and hurting you to no end. You never gave up on me. And I'm fucking stupid sometimes, yeah, [...] but dammit, I wanna fix us. I wanna make it right. Like it's supposed to be, even if I'm too stubborn and paranoid to even give it a chance and you're too shy to tell me to shut the fuck up and do the right thing."

"I...wanna go back to the way we used to be."

"I wanna fix it though..." " Sounds wrong. I wanna try again." "Well...I want you to give me the chance to try again, anyway."

I might have to take some or all of that down, if it's deemed to personal to post online (if it is, and you know who you are that I'm talking to you, let me know, and I'll do that next chance I get.)

So yeah, I was right. About the general, at least. I wasn't sure about the specifics, but they're all there. I asked her all the questions I've been wanting to ask her ever since I knew what it was she wanted to talk about, plus one or two more that have been there in the back of my head anyway. Well, there's one more - even though she says she can't handle a committed relationship, she still means exclusive, right? No long-distance beau concurrently?'

Time for work.

Headstrong, I'll take you on

I had another dream about Mindy last night. I don't remember all of it, and I'm not sure if it was just really weird, or if I had two dreams. The only bits I can remember involved hanging out with her at Mom's house, then making out in the garage. Intensely. To the point where if an alien that didn't understand the concept had been there, he would have thought, "Gee, those two beings are eating each other's faces." I don't know why I dream about her so often. It's not like I have a bunch of unresolved issues about her (Chelsea) or am still in love with her (Lilie).

After further consideration, I've reach at least a tentative hypothesis. Mindy and I had a very innocent, loving relationship. Well, at least for a while. The second half was nothing but sex and major arguments, but the first part, *especially* before we broke up the third time... it was, well, idyllic. Part of it is that she was just so open. I'm a very, *very* open person, which is why I often feel so cut off from everybody else - there aren't a lot of people around that are that open. And from the beginning, we were *very* open with each other. I can remember one of the first times we ever talked on the phone - for about 4 hours or so - and it was an amazing conversation. I mean, we were basically hooked up by Crystal, when Mindy wanted a boyfriend in high school and Crystal thought I'd be perfect. She wasn't *that* far off, which is why we have the history we do (Mindy and I). So yeah, that first part of the relationship - at least the first six months or so... very open, very warm, very safe. I think that's why I dream about her when I do - in times of confusion, anguish, emotional pain, I subconsciously retreat to the last really warm, safe place I remember.

Well, that's not entirely true. There's one more, much more recently, but it's usually directly related to the problem causing the retreat in the first place, and lasted a much shorter time. So yeah.

'Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough

It appears the rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

I forget where I heard that. US History? Babylon 5? Anyway.

Few quick updates - have to leave for work in fifteen minutes or so. I hate opening, but all things considered, it's the preferable Dave shift during the week. I'd much rather open than work tonight, for instance.

Work has been sheer hell lately. The massive turnover that occurded during Spring Break has continued. Just this weekend, we lost another three people - Chelsea, Lindsey, and Chris. I managed Sunday night, and it was terrible. The new people are doing a good job, all things considered, but they're still *new people*, which means they're inexperienced. It's going to be a while before I have another awesome shift where I barely have to do anything other than fountain, because everyone else is really good and knows what they need to do. Ah, well. I mean, right now, we have how many new people? Lemme think... Brandi, Brenda, Morgan, Amanda, Ashley, Daniel - that's only six, but we have another three to five coming in, and that's not factoring in the three people that just quit, or Janelle and Freddie leaving before too long (Janelle much sooner than Freddie), or things of that nature. I'm just getting tired. I'd like to take some time off. I was almost offered the chance to take a road trip with Rose to Florida, but it looks like her parents will be driving her. Damn.

Terri and I have been talking again. In fact, I sat there for about twenty minutes as she cried about her current relationship being comfortable, but not love, and how she always swore she wouldn't settle for that, but that she's afraid she is, especially because of her daughter.

Things with Lilie are, well, not terribly different than they've been for the last few months. She's still with Scott, and things seem to be going swimmingly, which is good. Whether or not people believe it, I'm glad she's happy, even if it's not with me. I mean, I won't lie - I do still have strong feeling for her, as strong as they've ever been, and I would still jump at the chance, but I know that it's proabably not coming. I still can't say it without hedging it, though.

I think that deserves its own absurdedly long post. Hell, I might even finish the girlfriend saga that I never did - the rest of Mindy, Suzie, and the incidentals - Heather, Sara, Melissa, Leslie, and Dru. Or maybe not. We'll see.

I've managed to say not nearly enough on any of the given subjects I had planned on broaching. Good times.