I'd never let him touch my heart

That last post was both too long, and not as informative as I had hoped. Suffice to say, the last two weeks had some pretty low points.

Anyway.

One other thing I wanted to talk about from work - Matt. Him and I have been getting along *great*, despite the disparity in our ages - he's actually like 31 or something. He's been there maybe three years, and I totally forgot that he worked there when I applied there. But yeah, we've been getting along really well, hanging out at lunch, giving him a ride to and from work at times, that kind of stuff. We've also been playing racquetball a lot - he's been totally kicking my ass, but not nearly as much as the scores suggest. I just have issues returning his serves. If I manage that, and we get to a volley, I more than hold my own. It's just that, well, he'll get like fix to seven aces IN A ROW, which makes things very disheartening. Briefly.

But the thing I wanted to touch on is one other way we're very similar - Mat is also in love with a girl who doesn't love him back. Not like he wants her to, at least. However, the key difference with him is that he's decided there isn't anyone else out there for him, that she's the only person he'll ever love, ever. He lives with her, but they're just friends, and I mean actually just friends. Nothing like the 'just friends' Lilie and I have at times, or anything even close. I mean, even if we didn't fool around like we do, we'd still be close - holding hands and the like. And while I may still be hopelessly in love with her, I'm not so far gone as to believe that she's the only person out there that I could ever love, that it's her or nothing, ever. I mean, that sort of unwavering, unquestionable love may make for great stories, but it's too heart-wrenching of a way to approach life. I guess I could see it if we had been together for a long time or something, but we weren't, and it doesn't really apply here. It's kind of an eye-opener, to see how he's completely attached his life to hers. That's not something I want to go through.

Then, of course, the question comes up, would moving in with them be a step in that direction? Maybe, but I don't think so. I mean, I've contemplated dating other girls, I'm not so far gone as to believe she's the only one for me, ever, that it's her or nothing for the rest of my life. I mean, if she ever wanted to get back together, I'd be all for it, though I know that there are core differences that stop us from being a great couple, and that they'd have to change or be reconciled before "us" would happen, and I don't see that happening any time soon. Which is fine - I don't believe in changing the core of who you are for someone else. But yeah, we've even talked about it. Kinda. We talked more about physical aspects than dating - she's finally not shy about telling me when she's crushing on someone else, because maybe I've finally got her to realize that I'm okay with it? I hope so. I'm finally able to talk to her about my experience with others, as well - nothing major, just things like I've been really noticing - staring at, really - my roommate's massive rack lately. Her possessiveness/insecurity was kind of cute, while somewhat revealing - "You just don't love my boobs anymore", that kind of thing.

So yeah, seeing Matt go through the sheer hell that he does with Celeste is a real eye-opener, makes me see what I could have been, if I had taken the Lilie thing too far, and I think a lot of people, when they council me to move on past her, fear that I'm doing what he is, while I'm not.

Deep Dish vs Dire Straits -- Flashing for Money