Five months.
It's been about five months since I've posted. I'll try to catch up with what I've missed.
School:
School's going really well so far. Took those three classes during the Spring semester, got a 4.0. That was pretty neat. The day of Finals was kind of funny. They schedule like 2 hours for each final, and mine were back to back to back. Each final took me around thirty to forty-five minutes to do, giving me between forty-five minutes and an hour to kill between each final, in addition to the half hour break they already build in to the schedule. The obvious answer would be to use that time to review the material and/or study for the next final; the only problem with that, of course, is that I don't like to count on such intangible, unsure variables like that, so I was completely ready for each final. I went to a dining hall and grabbed some breakfast during one break, and I don't recall what I did during the other final. After the last one, I had to walk to work where Mom was picking me up to give me a ride home.
Something had gone crazy wrong with my truck. Ended up dropping quite a bit on new tires, then I had to have the engine remounted and stuff (they did it wrong during the original installation). That was fun. I ended up only taking three hours during summer school, one class during Summer I. Phil 1305, Introduction to Philosophy and Critical Thinking. The class was okay, I guess. Every morning at 8 am, for two hours, Monday through Friday. I ended up late to work quite a few days because of it, which was fun. I pulled a strong A in that class as well, which was really good, 'cause it was a Writing Intensive class, and I hate writing. It seemed like the more outlandish I made my conclusion, the better my grade on the test was. I don't know if it just did a better job of making my point, or my writing just got stronger as the semester went on, or the professor just appreciated someone who could effectively communicate the material and their understanding thereof, while still making their conclusion fun to read. I hope it was the latter, but I'm not counting on it. Whatever.
So I didn't take any classes during Summer II, 'cause of the money I had to drop on my truck. I'm registered for 13 hours, 4 classes and 1 lab, for the Fall. Chem II, Chem II Lab, Prob & Stat, Data Structures, and Intro to Fine Arts. I even got some financial aid for this and the Spring semesters. It's pretty awesome. Class starts in about two weeks. I've got most of my textbooks, bought two textbooks online - ebay and amazon are pretty neat, around half price of what the bookstore wanted, *and* I could flip them back for most of the price. I still have to pick up my Chem book/lab manual at the bookstore; the professor wrote both of them. So that's fun. Got my classes blocked Monday/Wednesday, which works out well. I start at 9:30 both mornings; Monday, I go to 6-something, on Wednesday, I'm out around 3-something. Long days, but I'll be taking both days off work so I don't have to go in that night. I might take the occasional Tuesday night off as well, to give me some time to get some real sleep. Of course, that's all depending on the work situation, which will have to get better before I'm able to do so, but we'll get to that later.
And I'm officially a senior.
So I don't feel like going into work just yet, so I guess I'll go with personal stuff next. I finally started a good diet that I'm comfortable with, and I feel confident that I can stick with it, for the most part. Coupling that with the amounts of exercise I have lined up, I hope, I really hope, that I can finally lose some weight.
Socially, it's just as much of an abyss as always. Didn't talk to anyone in any of my classes over the fall semester, or the one I had in the summer. I ended up sitting behind this semi-cute girl over the summer, didn't really get her name or anything. She was a hippie (Wait. Her parents were hippies. I'm not sure?) from Austin. Anyway.
So still friends with Matt, we work out and/or play racquetball in the mornings when our schedules work out. Haven't talked to Cullen recently, though I hope to remedy that soon. Rose is moving out of her parents place, which is cool, getting a little one bedroom; I'm helping her move (no big surprise there). Haven't made any new friends (except at work, but that gets covered in the work section) lately. Maybe that'll change in the Fall. I doubt it, but whatever.
Work's been interesting. Our new GM is working out really well, he's a really cool guy. We're getting pasta and sandwiches in the next few weeks (Sh! Nobody's allowed to know that!), which means we have to regear a lot of things, and find room for a bunch of new products, and retrain everyone on new stuff. It's going to be somewhat more labor-intensive, which kind of sucks. The only good part is that we're getting some good stuff, like sliced provolone, genoa salami, and chicken. Of course, they don't really fit in with my diet, so I'll only taste them sparingly, but it'll probably positively impact sales.
Bill no longer works there; he left to go to Colorado or something, leaving me as the only MiT right now. Jen Fee almost came back, but she went to Kyle instead. I've mentioned to Ambra that she should come back and be an MiT for us; new gm, new dm, there's a good chance they'll let her. They should - she's well trained, she's smart, they let her GM a store for over six months. Oh, and we're NOT DATING, nor WERE WE EVER. They're cracking down ever harder on employee dating, transferred a GM to a completely different district because she was dating another GM. Whatever. We did hire this awesome insider named Becky, but she only worked here for the summer. That made me sad, especially when she left like two weeks ago. Thanks to that, we're still working on improving our inside staff. We need another shift runner or MiT, probably another insider or two. We did hire Janelle as a driver, that's pretty neat. She might be moving back here for her last semester and/or year of school, which would be interesting. Her and Mom don't get along as well as her and I do, so she's a little worried that it might not work out, that they're going to clash too hard much for her to live here. I keep telling her that it was hard for me at first, but that it got a lot better, especially once school started.
Anyway.
So that's what's going on with that.
Vanessa Carlton -- Nolita Fairytale
Showing posts with label girls. Show all posts
Showing posts with label girls. Show all posts
2008-01-23
The dreamers get punished most
So I saw Rebecca at Wal-Mart the other day (gosh, a lot of posts are starting this way. whatever).
Actually, I'm going to come back to Rebecca, and start with school and stuff.
School's going okay so far. I was really tired yesterday (because of work), but got through school okay. The way my classes are set up, my least favorite, most boring is first, and I end with my favorite, least boring class. Here's a breakdown so far:
Chem 1341, Lippman:
This one is kinda boring. The professor is really, really old. I can't stress that enough. Extremely old. He talks a lot, and has a habit of trying to bring in anecdotes that are in NO WAY INTERESTING. We were talking about uncertainty in measurements, and he starts talking about engineers and small parts and tolerance for uncertainty as an example of applications of that principle. You'll notice I used about half a sentence to explain it. That's all it takes. Not ten minutes. Whatever.
CS 2308, Drissi
I love this guy. He has this crazy accent - we say character CARE - ick - ter. He says ka - RACK - ter. It's awesome. Just trying to follow what he's saying can at time keep me on my toes. Still don't have any idea what the assignments or tests are going to be like in this class. Oh, and it's a CS class, so there are very few actual human beings in the class, it's predominately introverted geniuses.
Math something, Discrete I, Wu
So far, this is my favorite class. It has the most class participation, the most theoretical work (Math professors don't give two shits about real-world applications), and there's this deaf guy that I usually sit behind. Now, that in and of itself has no bearing on the class, but one of the interpretors is SO cute. Not hot or anything, and she's older, probably mid-30's to early 40's, but SO CUTE. She gets her whole face into it, really expressive. SO CUTE.
So that's school so far.
On to work.
Work sucks. They just fired Sergio, so we have no GM. Additionally, if he hadn't sent me a text telling me as much, we wouldn't know, as they haven't seen fit to let us know. I don't know what's going to happen now. I really don't think it should continue as this little triad thing we're doing right now, as there's too many cracks for stuff to fall through. There needs to be one person in charge, and receiving compensation as such. I'm definitely not going to do it - the time commitment is such that it could create an issue with school, which is by far my top priority right now. Terrance definitely doesn't want it either, that leaves Bill. He's a great guy and all, and he sorta expressed some interest in doing it, although his management experience is somewhat limited. We'll see how that goes. I mean, he's light years better than the alternatives - bringing in someone from San Antonio, or hiring someone from outside, or keeping on as we are right now.
Our order dates just changed, so Monday night, we ran out of medium dough, provolone cheese, green peppers, onions, chicken kickers, and medium and large deep dish. It was fun.
Now, on to the good stuff. We hired this cute insider named Michelle. She hasn't had her first official day yet, though she did work on Monday. Taller - about 5'7"-ish, kinda chunky, blond. So cute.
Went to Wal-Mart the other night, saw Rebecca. We talked for a little while, probably fifteen minutes. It was good stuff. She's left-handed, played french horn in high school, and is possibly hispanic. I ran into her again a few nights later, she was asking me about a ladder, which I helped her find. I talked to that other girl that's really cool that used to work in softlines that I went to high school with. She asked me how my night was going, I told her 'fantastic!', she asked why, I gestured with my head to where Rebecca was, her eyes went wide with understanding. I ended up standing next to her while she checked out, we had the following conversation - "Hey, don't tell anyone about that, please." "Sure, no problem. Hey, you know she has a boyfriend, right?" "Yeah, I found out when I asked her out." "Oh, wow. Yeah, I thought I saw her smile like this (smiles) while she was helping you." "Actually, I was helping her find a ladder." Robyn was our cashier during that whole thing, which was cool.
Got my computer hooked up to output audio through my new speaker system, and video to my tv, which is cool. I can even have it do the SNES emulator to the TV, which is cool. Kind of old school.
Vanessa Carlton -- Fools Like Me
Actually, I'm going to come back to Rebecca, and start with school and stuff.
School's going okay so far. I was really tired yesterday (because of work), but got through school okay. The way my classes are set up, my least favorite, most boring is first, and I end with my favorite, least boring class. Here's a breakdown so far:
Chem 1341, Lippman:
This one is kinda boring. The professor is really, really old. I can't stress that enough. Extremely old. He talks a lot, and has a habit of trying to bring in anecdotes that are in NO WAY INTERESTING. We were talking about uncertainty in measurements, and he starts talking about engineers and small parts and tolerance for uncertainty as an example of applications of that principle. You'll notice I used about half a sentence to explain it. That's all it takes. Not ten minutes. Whatever.
CS 2308, Drissi
I love this guy. He has this crazy accent - we say character CARE - ick - ter. He says ka - RACK - ter. It's awesome. Just trying to follow what he's saying can at time keep me on my toes. Still don't have any idea what the assignments or tests are going to be like in this class. Oh, and it's a CS class, so there are very few actual human beings in the class, it's predominately introverted geniuses.
Math something, Discrete I, Wu
So far, this is my favorite class. It has the most class participation, the most theoretical work (Math professors don't give two shits about real-world applications), and there's this deaf guy that I usually sit behind. Now, that in and of itself has no bearing on the class, but one of the interpretors is SO cute. Not hot or anything, and she's older, probably mid-30's to early 40's, but SO CUTE. She gets her whole face into it, really expressive. SO CUTE.
So that's school so far.
On to work.
Work sucks. They just fired Sergio, so we have no GM. Additionally, if he hadn't sent me a text telling me as much, we wouldn't know, as they haven't seen fit to let us know. I don't know what's going to happen now. I really don't think it should continue as this little triad thing we're doing right now, as there's too many cracks for stuff to fall through. There needs to be one person in charge, and receiving compensation as such. I'm definitely not going to do it - the time commitment is such that it could create an issue with school, which is by far my top priority right now. Terrance definitely doesn't want it either, that leaves Bill. He's a great guy and all, and he sorta expressed some interest in doing it, although his management experience is somewhat limited. We'll see how that goes. I mean, he's light years better than the alternatives - bringing in someone from San Antonio, or hiring someone from outside, or keeping on as we are right now.
Our order dates just changed, so Monday night, we ran out of medium dough, provolone cheese, green peppers, onions, chicken kickers, and medium and large deep dish. It was fun.
Now, on to the good stuff. We hired this cute insider named Michelle. She hasn't had her first official day yet, though she did work on Monday. Taller - about 5'7"-ish, kinda chunky, blond. So cute.
Went to Wal-Mart the other night, saw Rebecca. We talked for a little while, probably fifteen minutes. It was good stuff. She's left-handed, played french horn in high school, and is possibly hispanic. I ran into her again a few nights later, she was asking me about a ladder, which I helped her find. I talked to that other girl that's really cool that used to work in softlines that I went to high school with. She asked me how my night was going, I told her 'fantastic!', she asked why, I gestured with my head to where Rebecca was, her eyes went wide with understanding. I ended up standing next to her while she checked out, we had the following conversation - "Hey, don't tell anyone about that, please." "Sure, no problem. Hey, you know she has a boyfriend, right?" "Yeah, I found out when I asked her out." "Oh, wow. Yeah, I thought I saw her smile like this (smiles) while she was helping you." "Actually, I was helping her find a ladder." Robyn was our cashier during that whole thing, which was cool.
Got my computer hooked up to output audio through my new speaker system, and video to my tv, which is cool. I can even have it do the SNES emulator to the TV, which is cool. Kind of old school.
Vanessa Carlton -- Fools Like Me
2006-01-14
Spinning 'round an empty room
While we're on the subject of girls, and let's face it, there are few (none, really) subjects more worthy of attention...
So it got really slow 'round 10 or so, and Jess was in the back, folding boxes, in anticipation of going home. Mike, Joe, and I were up front. Actually, Mike was still out on a delivery, he wasn't in the story until later. And Joe? Maybe he was in the back? Not sure. Anyway. So I'm up front, when two people walk in. A couple, judging by their interaction (And his later use of "That's my girl" in a proud manner.) I give them the standard spiel, about the carry-out specials on the far left panel, and the additional specials on our little fold out menu, then tell them that I'm going to "Go, um, do stuff" and to give me a holler when they're ready to order. Normally, people just look at me kind of funny or ignore me when I say that, but they actually were like "You got it." So I went and slapped out some pizza, and then they actually hollered at me that they were ready to order, which was awesome. Not yelled, just let me know in a sufficiently, but certiainly not unreasonably, loud voice that they were ready to order. This may be the first time that someone's ever done that, and I haven't had to go ask them. That alone made them pretty awesome. But as I walk up there, they're quoting Super Troopers. That's a great thing in any social situation. I wish it were more universal - fantastic way to break the ice, and what-not.
But anyway.
So they order. And we talk about the fact that she loves Star Wars and he really likes Halo. It's these kinds of situations that make me wonder how it would have been different had another MIT been in my place, but anyway. We talked a little after they got their order, got her to take an application, though she really wants to work at Gamestop.
Yep.
Wow, this tale *really* suffers in the retelling. Lemme see if I can salvage it at all.
...
Nope. I'm going to write that one off as being another victim of my terrible retelling skills. But I couldn't get her off of my mind for the next few hours, only because she seemed like the kind of girl I'd like to date - energetic, excited, kinda hyper, cool, sweet, similiar interests... but I ramble. Probably just an aftereffect of my current social isolation (self-imposed or not, argue that with me all you want. And, come to think of it, it's not really an argument when both sides agree.)
Hmm. I don't really know where I'm going with this one at all. It seemed a lot clearer when I started writing, but it's just dovetailing into general rambling.
So I'll end this post now, try to come up with something better later.
Dt8 Project -- The Sun is Shining (Down on Me)
So it got really slow 'round 10 or so, and Jess was in the back, folding boxes, in anticipation of going home. Mike, Joe, and I were up front. Actually, Mike was still out on a delivery, he wasn't in the story until later. And Joe? Maybe he was in the back? Not sure. Anyway. So I'm up front, when two people walk in. A couple, judging by their interaction (And his later use of "That's my girl" in a proud manner.) I give them the standard spiel, about the carry-out specials on the far left panel, and the additional specials on our little fold out menu, then tell them that I'm going to "Go, um, do stuff" and to give me a holler when they're ready to order. Normally, people just look at me kind of funny or ignore me when I say that, but they actually were like "You got it." So I went and slapped out some pizza, and then they actually hollered at me that they were ready to order, which was awesome. Not yelled, just let me know in a sufficiently, but certiainly not unreasonably, loud voice that they were ready to order. This may be the first time that someone's ever done that, and I haven't had to go ask them. That alone made them pretty awesome. But as I walk up there, they're quoting Super Troopers. That's a great thing in any social situation. I wish it were more universal - fantastic way to break the ice, and what-not.
But anyway.
So they order. And we talk about the fact that she loves Star Wars and he really likes Halo. It's these kinds of situations that make me wonder how it would have been different had another MIT been in my place, but anyway. We talked a little after they got their order, got her to take an application, though she really wants to work at Gamestop.
Yep.
Wow, this tale *really* suffers in the retelling. Lemme see if I can salvage it at all.
...
Nope. I'm going to write that one off as being another victim of my terrible retelling skills. But I couldn't get her off of my mind for the next few hours, only because she seemed like the kind of girl I'd like to date - energetic, excited, kinda hyper, cool, sweet, similiar interests... but I ramble. Probably just an aftereffect of my current social isolation (self-imposed or not, argue that with me all you want. And, come to think of it, it's not really an argument when both sides agree.)
Hmm. I don't really know where I'm going with this one at all. It seemed a lot clearer when I started writing, but it's just dovetailing into general rambling.
So I'll end this post now, try to come up with something better later.
Dt8 Project -- The Sun is Shining (Down on Me)
2005-09-14
Now the shit has hit the fan
Had a fun day. Gina sent us - Theresa, Shelly and I - to some class in San Antonio. "Handle the Rush", which is humorous, since we're the 2nd busiest store in the company, and close on the heels of the leader. The class was completely, utterly worthless. We discussed things like "How to Prep for the Rush", in which we gleaned such tidbits as "Make sure you're fully stocked" and "Ensure you have sufficient people". We then talked about how to handle the rush. Then, how to deal with the aftermath.
As can be expected, the San Marcos crew made sure everyone knew how we were (well, except Theresa) within the first half hour, and made a great deal of vocal contributions. In other words, Shelly would NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP. I wanted to throw something at her. Repeatedly. My reactions to her NOT SHUTTING THE FUCK UP became so visible that the girl next to me commented on it - "Hey, it's okay, we all have those people."
Did I mention the girl next to me was really cute? Her name's Samantha. Green eyes, blonde hair, button nose, kinda short. Very cute. We talked a little throughout the meeting. We were also rubbing legs a lot, though that was most likely due to the close physical proximity everyone was forced into, due to there being like 30 people at this little class thing. But then again, we had plenty of space on our side of the room. Not something I'm going to analyze. I'm just going to leave it at, it made the class much more enjoyable to be sitting next to her. We talked a lot. We had a connection. She lives in San Antonio, so I'll probably never see her again, unless we happen to attend one of these classes together again. And I wonder if Shelly noticed anything - for whatever reason, she has a tendency to notice whenever I'm actually talking to a girl and comment on it.
Not anything to get excited about, but it's definitely a step in the right direction.
As can be expected, the San Marcos crew made sure everyone knew how we were (well, except Theresa) within the first half hour, and made a great deal of vocal contributions. In other words, Shelly would NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP. I wanted to throw something at her. Repeatedly. My reactions to her NOT SHUTTING THE FUCK UP became so visible that the girl next to me commented on it - "Hey, it's okay, we all have those people."
Did I mention the girl next to me was really cute? Her name's Samantha. Green eyes, blonde hair, button nose, kinda short. Very cute. We talked a little throughout the meeting. We were also rubbing legs a lot, though that was most likely due to the close physical proximity everyone was forced into, due to there being like 30 people at this little class thing. But then again, we had plenty of space on our side of the room. Not something I'm going to analyze. I'm just going to leave it at, it made the class much more enjoyable to be sitting next to her. We talked a lot. We had a connection. She lives in San Antonio, so I'll probably never see her again, unless we happen to attend one of these classes together again. And I wonder if Shelly noticed anything - for whatever reason, she has a tendency to notice whenever I'm actually talking to a girl and comment on it.
Not anything to get excited about, but it's definitely a step in the right direction.
2005-01-15
You can't see it, I'm fabulous
Quick update before I have to head to work.
Went and played some DDR last night; that was fun - had a girl compliment me on my 'dancing' and asked me how to do it. That's always cool.
Hung out with David for a few hours - played some WoW, and I'm definitely sold. Now I just have to find out the name of Matt & Luke's guild.
Finally beat Lord of the Rings: The Third Age. The last boss was Sauron. I'm not kidding. After fighting through the fields of Pelennor, you fight Sauron and/or his gigantic eye of fire on the top of the tower of Barad-dur. Or something like that. Ludicrous. Thought the evil mode re-match was a lot of fun.
Went and played some DDR last night; that was fun - had a girl compliment me on my 'dancing' and asked me how to do it. That's always cool.
Hung out with David for a few hours - played some WoW, and I'm definitely sold. Now I just have to find out the name of Matt & Luke's guild.
Finally beat Lord of the Rings: The Third Age. The last boss was Sauron. I'm not kidding. After fighting through the fields of Pelennor, you fight Sauron and/or his gigantic eye of fire on the top of the tower of Barad-dur. Or something like that. Ludicrous. Thought the evil mode re-match was a lot of fun.
2005-01-12
Sit down and I'll regale ya' 'bout my nephew from Australia
Will the deluge never end? This is will be my... fourth post tonight? Third? Something like that. This one may be the hardest to write, though. The others were nothing more than recaps and summaries.
This, of course, also means it's harder to write. Well, not really. That doesn't make it harder to write. The fact that I'm trying to put down how I feel about Lilie and our situation makes it difficult to write.
That whole thing I posted the other day... all I was really trying to say is that I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that there's something else. Something I did wrong. Or didn't do. Or did, but shouldn't have. Or something like that. And I don't know about it, and am doomed to make the same mistake again.
I've usually been good about analyzing my mistakes and learning from them... but this is one area where that isn't the case. Apparently, I've learned nothing. Now, my first disclaimer: There will be those of you who feel that I'm making a huge deal out of this, or just need to calm down and roll with it, or something along those lines. You're partially right, but that's how I am. I analyze things non-stop. It's one of the few good (well, sometimes) good things about having such a strong stream-of-consciousness. But this is really my only place to get this out - I don't really talk to anyone about this (well, except Jarrod, but that's because he asks me about it every time I we talk, because, well, that's what we do.) So among other things, I'm searching for some catharsis. If that's a problem, get out. Seriously. Leave me to my own little corner of the web, where I'm just going to do my thing, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Anyway.
On a sidenote, I actually just burnt her a CD to replace the one she dumped some Mountain Dew (the most toxic substance known to man) on. Well, not entirely. I've been meaning to, but it just never happened. Today before work, I fell asleep, then had to run to my appointment, which went way late. Yesterday, I had my car problems. Sunday, I was sleeping and doing housework. You get the picture. I don't know what was on that CD, so I'm improvising here. I think I'm going to start another section on my blog that has my burnt CDs both so people can see what I listen to and so I can keep track of what I've burnt. I'll also put the CDs I've burnt for her on there, so I can avoid repeats on CDs. I wonder, though, if the discman she got that can read MP3's is the one hooked up to her car. If so... that makes things a lot easier. And a lot more difficult.
So it's finally sinking in that we're really, really broken up. I always had this hope that one day, she'd call me up and ask me to come over, and surprise me with a kiss. Or something like that. Or we're just hanging out at her place one day, and she comes over and sits on my lap (like last time) and hugs me, but something more. I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Fuck that. I do.
Again, I belive her when she says it's just that she's not ready or doesn't want to deal with a relationship right now. But I can't stop my subconscious from conjuring up these thoughts, and they're easier to deal with when I get them out somehow - it used to be by talking to someone about it, but this works as well. Will we just be close friends from now on? Will we never again establish that deep, deep connection? Or is it just buried deep down, ready to resurface at a later time?
See, that's the kind of thinking that makes it so hard for me to let go. Which I've never been terribly good at; mainly, because I don't *want* to let go. I don't want to lose that connection with her. I just don't.
[[Oh - interesting sidenote. When I got to work today, I saw Kevin's truck in the parking lot. I thought perhaps he had come to pick up Shelley. Nope. She drove it home. Or rather, out of the parking lot and turned right, so I can only assume that was her destination.
...
Intersting choice on his part.]]
is that my fate? It seems to be what I do. Maybe that's all I am - the friend. Mabe that's all I'll ever be. I mean, I understand that it's my fault, for being who I am. Girls don't want someone that's kind of girly - a guy that's so shy about making moves. Seriously. Of all the relationships I've been in... I've made a move on someone... once? Kenni dropped hints for me to kiss her for two weeks before she finally got tired of waiting for me to catch on and just kissed me. Mindy didn't wait around, and basically told me to kiss her in the parking lot at the skating rink. That was funny, looking back. Had she not, we wouldn't have. Rudy made the famous comment, "You're such a good big sister to these girls." I'm sure being as stubborn as I am doesn't help. My horrendous taste in music, my near-obsession with DDR; hell, it's a miracle I've found relationships that have lasted as long as they did. and it's probably the case that three years wasn't nearly as long to wait as I should have. I just need to let go of the daydreams. To realize that her and I are through, that we're friends now (note: I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I love being friends with her. Don't read something here that I didn't say.)
*Sigh*
At the same time, I can't. The same stubborness that keeps me apart from people prevents me from giving up on something like this. Which is a bad thing, because it's only when you reach your heart out with hope that it can be crushed.
I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I like her. I like her a lot. I don't know how she feels about me, nor do I think I will. But it's five in the morning, I've had maybe two hours of sleep in the last 40-something, so I'm going to let myself ramble. These may be the half-coherent ramblings of a sleep-deprived freak that's out of synch with reality, but hey, it's who and what and where I am, and that's all I have.
It's one of those insecurity things - I've done it before. You get afraid that perhaps you want to be with someone, or be friends with someone, much more than they do, so you wait for them to call you. On paper, it sounds kind of weird, but I've found myself doing it over and over again. The best example is near the end of my first year of college, when I actually called Chelsea, and we e-mailed back and forth and talked a few times (I still remember the conversation I had with her roommate - "Hello, is Chelsea there?" "Yeah, but I'm on the other line. Can I take a message?" "Sure! - Just tell her Billy called, here's my number: 512..." "Wait, that's waay out of town. Lemme get her.") It seemed like she was only responding, though. So I gave up on that. It's frustrating, but something you learn to deal with. It's akin to surrendering the ego - just letting go.
Maybe that's what I need to do. Just give her her space. Well, I sort of already did that, when I didn't try to contact her for a few weeks. She did call me, after she was feeling better. I don't know, I just get... tired. Tired of thinking that I've maybe formed a special connection with someone, which, while I have, isn't quite what I thought it was. Tired of falling for people that don't reciprocate. Tired of being hurt, and being hurt only because I set myself up for it so perfectly. I just want to find somsone that I'm comfortable with, that loves me for who I am, not in spite of it. That's all I really want out of life. Don't get me wrong - I understand that kind of thing usually doesn't come along when you're looking for it, and surprises you; I'm not. I'm just making an effort to understand myself.
I keep getting it pointed it out to me that I don't fit in. With people. I've never really found a group of more than two people that I didn't feel like an outside around. Back in high school, we had our little group of friends. With any one or two of them, I was fine. However, once we were in a group of four or so, I was the outside. Mind you, these were my good friends during high school. It's the same thing at work - well, not quite, 'cause I'm not really friends with anyone at work (I'm still confused as to why Lilie took so much offense at that statement. I'm really not. I'm friendly with people from work, but I don't think I'd consider myself friends with anyone from work. Freddie's definitely an exception, as we talk a lot outside of work, but he's probably the only one. I've been talking more with Jess, so that might be another, and Javi, though that's really just a work-based mutual respect thing. If you don't believe me, observe me at a party with the work group. It's... weird to watch. That's not a criticism on any of them, mind you - they've always been quite welcoming. It's just some bad wiring in me. I just really, really don't understand why Lilie took so much offense at Bennigan's when I told her that I'm not really friends with anyone from work. The only thing I can think of is she thought I was including her, or that I was saying I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone I work with, which isn't the case. She is the counterpoint to each of them, oddly enough.)
But I understand that it's my fault with the whole friend thing (I mean, only being friends with girls, not being boyfriend-worthy material or however you want to put it, not the feeling like an outsider even with groups of my friends thing). Like I was saying before, I'm just not what they want. I've read it, I've talked to girls, I know - girls like it when you make the move, that kind of thing. That's just an example, though. There's other one, some tied in to the whole "12 year old girl' thing. That, of course, started out as a commentary on my taste in music (Aqua, anyone?). Well, the Care Bears doesn't help, I'm sure.
Anyway.
Yeah, that's probably all I'm good for. The friend.
Lilie, I'm sorry
This, of course, also means it's harder to write. Well, not really. That doesn't make it harder to write. The fact that I'm trying to put down how I feel about Lilie and our situation makes it difficult to write.
That whole thing I posted the other day... all I was really trying to say is that I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that there's something else. Something I did wrong. Or didn't do. Or did, but shouldn't have. Or something like that. And I don't know about it, and am doomed to make the same mistake again.
I've usually been good about analyzing my mistakes and learning from them... but this is one area where that isn't the case. Apparently, I've learned nothing. Now, my first disclaimer: There will be those of you who feel that I'm making a huge deal out of this, or just need to calm down and roll with it, or something along those lines. You're partially right, but that's how I am. I analyze things non-stop. It's one of the few good (well, sometimes) good things about having such a strong stream-of-consciousness. But this is really my only place to get this out - I don't really talk to anyone about this (well, except Jarrod, but that's because he asks me about it every time I we talk, because, well, that's what we do.) So among other things, I'm searching for some catharsis. If that's a problem, get out. Seriously. Leave me to my own little corner of the web, where I'm just going to do my thing, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Anyway.
On a sidenote, I actually just burnt her a CD to replace the one she dumped some Mountain Dew (the most toxic substance known to man) on. Well, not entirely. I've been meaning to, but it just never happened. Today before work, I fell asleep, then had to run to my appointment, which went way late. Yesterday, I had my car problems. Sunday, I was sleeping and doing housework. You get the picture. I don't know what was on that CD, so I'm improvising here. I think I'm going to start another section on my blog that has my burnt CDs both so people can see what I listen to and so I can keep track of what I've burnt. I'll also put the CDs I've burnt for her on there, so I can avoid repeats on CDs. I wonder, though, if the discman she got that can read MP3's is the one hooked up to her car. If so... that makes things a lot easier. And a lot more difficult.
So it's finally sinking in that we're really, really broken up. I always had this hope that one day, she'd call me up and ask me to come over, and surprise me with a kiss. Or something like that. Or we're just hanging out at her place one day, and she comes over and sits on my lap (like last time) and hugs me, but something more. I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Fuck that. I do.
Again, I belive her when she says it's just that she's not ready or doesn't want to deal with a relationship right now. But I can't stop my subconscious from conjuring up these thoughts, and they're easier to deal with when I get them out somehow - it used to be by talking to someone about it, but this works as well. Will we just be close friends from now on? Will we never again establish that deep, deep connection? Or is it just buried deep down, ready to resurface at a later time?
See, that's the kind of thinking that makes it so hard for me to let go. Which I've never been terribly good at; mainly, because I don't *want* to let go. I don't want to lose that connection with her. I just don't.
[[Oh - interesting sidenote. When I got to work today, I saw Kevin's truck in the parking lot. I thought perhaps he had come to pick up Shelley. Nope. She drove it home. Or rather, out of the parking lot and turned right, so I can only assume that was her destination.
...
Intersting choice on his part.]]
is that my fate? It seems to be what I do. Maybe that's all I am - the friend. Mabe that's all I'll ever be. I mean, I understand that it's my fault, for being who I am. Girls don't want someone that's kind of girly - a guy that's so shy about making moves. Seriously. Of all the relationships I've been in... I've made a move on someone... once? Kenni dropped hints for me to kiss her for two weeks before she finally got tired of waiting for me to catch on and just kissed me. Mindy didn't wait around, and basically told me to kiss her in the parking lot at the skating rink. That was funny, looking back. Had she not, we wouldn't have. Rudy made the famous comment, "You're such a good big sister to these girls." I'm sure being as stubborn as I am doesn't help. My horrendous taste in music, my near-obsession with DDR; hell, it's a miracle I've found relationships that have lasted as long as they did. and it's probably the case that three years wasn't nearly as long to wait as I should have. I just need to let go of the daydreams. To realize that her and I are through, that we're friends now (note: I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I love being friends with her. Don't read something here that I didn't say.)
*Sigh*
At the same time, I can't. The same stubborness that keeps me apart from people prevents me from giving up on something like this. Which is a bad thing, because it's only when you reach your heart out with hope that it can be crushed.
I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I like her. I like her a lot. I don't know how she feels about me, nor do I think I will. But it's five in the morning, I've had maybe two hours of sleep in the last 40-something, so I'm going to let myself ramble. These may be the half-coherent ramblings of a sleep-deprived freak that's out of synch with reality, but hey, it's who and what and where I am, and that's all I have.
It's one of those insecurity things - I've done it before. You get afraid that perhaps you want to be with someone, or be friends with someone, much more than they do, so you wait for them to call you. On paper, it sounds kind of weird, but I've found myself doing it over and over again. The best example is near the end of my first year of college, when I actually called Chelsea, and we e-mailed back and forth and talked a few times (I still remember the conversation I had with her roommate - "Hello, is Chelsea there?" "Yeah, but I'm on the other line. Can I take a message?" "Sure! - Just tell her Billy called, here's my number: 512..." "Wait, that's waay out of town. Lemme get her.") It seemed like she was only responding, though. So I gave up on that. It's frustrating, but something you learn to deal with. It's akin to surrendering the ego - just letting go.
Maybe that's what I need to do. Just give her her space. Well, I sort of already did that, when I didn't try to contact her for a few weeks. She did call me, after she was feeling better. I don't know, I just get... tired. Tired of thinking that I've maybe formed a special connection with someone, which, while I have, isn't quite what I thought it was. Tired of falling for people that don't reciprocate. Tired of being hurt, and being hurt only because I set myself up for it so perfectly. I just want to find somsone that I'm comfortable with, that loves me for who I am, not in spite of it. That's all I really want out of life. Don't get me wrong - I understand that kind of thing usually doesn't come along when you're looking for it, and surprises you; I'm not. I'm just making an effort to understand myself.
I keep getting it pointed it out to me that I don't fit in. With people. I've never really found a group of more than two people that I didn't feel like an outside around. Back in high school, we had our little group of friends. With any one or two of them, I was fine. However, once we were in a group of four or so, I was the outside. Mind you, these were my good friends during high school. It's the same thing at work - well, not quite, 'cause I'm not really friends with anyone at work (I'm still confused as to why Lilie took so much offense at that statement. I'm really not. I'm friendly with people from work, but I don't think I'd consider myself friends with anyone from work. Freddie's definitely an exception, as we talk a lot outside of work, but he's probably the only one. I've been talking more with Jess, so that might be another, and Javi, though that's really just a work-based mutual respect thing. If you don't believe me, observe me at a party with the work group. It's... weird to watch. That's not a criticism on any of them, mind you - they've always been quite welcoming. It's just some bad wiring in me. I just really, really don't understand why Lilie took so much offense at Bennigan's when I told her that I'm not really friends with anyone from work. The only thing I can think of is she thought I was including her, or that I was saying I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone I work with, which isn't the case. She is the counterpoint to each of them, oddly enough.)
But I understand that it's my fault with the whole friend thing (I mean, only being friends with girls, not being boyfriend-worthy material or however you want to put it, not the feeling like an outsider even with groups of my friends thing). Like I was saying before, I'm just not what they want. I've read it, I've talked to girls, I know - girls like it when you make the move, that kind of thing. That's just an example, though. There's other one, some tied in to the whole "12 year old girl' thing. That, of course, started out as a commentary on my taste in music (Aqua, anyone?). Well, the Care Bears doesn't help, I'm sure.
Anyway.
Yeah, that's probably all I'm good for. The friend.
Lilie, I'm sorry
2004-11-06
Tiy g cw bi usw giq nyxg U q brws ri juaa tiy v xjm Kukuw
There are few joys greater in life than bringing a smile to the face of someone you care about.
Especially if it's a really cute girl that you really care about.
Especially if it's a really cute girl that you really care about.
2004-09-08
I think my class moved without telling me
My internet connection is really starting to bother me. It works great for half an hour or so, then goes out for an hour or so. It's really bothering me, especially when I'm playing Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne, or trying to do something on gEngine, or really, anything else that you use the 'net for. I sent an email to Grande; let's see what they say.
I went to go to Prob/Stat today, and it wasn't there. Literally. I was at the right classroom at the right time on the right day, but there was some other class meeting. College Algebra, if I read their textbooks right. I guess he announced that they'd be moving somewhere else in class, and not anywhere else - course website, email, anything. I just emailed him to find out what's going on.
School/Sightings: Saw Lorraine at the quad. Didn't talk to her or anything. She had her daughter with her, which was weird. I'm not used to the idea of my friends having kids. I was surprised she had one, to be honest. Mary Alls? No surprise. Saw April Moreno as well, who, when I called her name, came over and gave me a big hug. She's still tiny. Or rather, really short, with a pleasant build. Still very animated, very talkative, good time talking to her. Played a ton of DDR, some with Cullen. Passed some hard stuff, did pretty good. Talked to some girl for a little bit about the game; she passes by and sees me playing occasionally. Or something like that. Nothing of any consequence, anyhow; we didn't even exchange games (and I swear I'll maul anyone who suggests I attempt to follow up that conversation). Went by OSFA and straightened out what was going on with my loan; it's good to have that cleared up.
I was standing in line at the smoothie place, getting a smoothie (I wanted to see Cullen in action; he works there now), and there were these two girls behind me. I couldn't help overhearing parts of their conversation, as they were talking fairly loudly, and I tend to pick up on most ambient noise, especially speech, around me. They were confused about some sorority/fraternity abbreviations. The guy behind them knew, and he explained it to them. He then tried to... I'm not sure. Pick them up? Establish a strong connection, to add to his social network? I'm not sure. But I'd rather be completely socially isolated, as I am now (with a few exceptions) then make such a total goober of myself, as he did. I hate watching guys make complete idiots of themselves like that. I need to clarify that - I'm all for making an idiot and/or ass of myself. But not like that. It's... hard to explain.
I went to go to Prob/Stat today, and it wasn't there. Literally. I was at the right classroom at the right time on the right day, but there was some other class meeting. College Algebra, if I read their textbooks right. I guess he announced that they'd be moving somewhere else in class, and not anywhere else - course website, email, anything. I just emailed him to find out what's going on.
School/Sightings: Saw Lorraine at the quad. Didn't talk to her or anything. She had her daughter with her, which was weird. I'm not used to the idea of my friends having kids. I was surprised she had one, to be honest. Mary Alls? No surprise. Saw April Moreno as well, who, when I called her name, came over and gave me a big hug. She's still tiny. Or rather, really short, with a pleasant build. Still very animated, very talkative, good time talking to her. Played a ton of DDR, some with Cullen. Passed some hard stuff, did pretty good. Talked to some girl for a little bit about the game; she passes by and sees me playing occasionally. Or something like that. Nothing of any consequence, anyhow; we didn't even exchange games (and I swear I'll maul anyone who suggests I attempt to follow up that conversation). Went by OSFA and straightened out what was going on with my loan; it's good to have that cleared up.
I was standing in line at the smoothie place, getting a smoothie (I wanted to see Cullen in action; he works there now), and there were these two girls behind me. I couldn't help overhearing parts of their conversation, as they were talking fairly loudly, and I tend to pick up on most ambient noise, especially speech, around me. They were confused about some sorority/fraternity abbreviations. The guy behind them knew, and he explained it to them. He then tried to... I'm not sure. Pick them up? Establish a strong connection, to add to his social network? I'm not sure. But I'd rather be completely socially isolated, as I am now (with a few exceptions) then make such a total goober of myself, as he did. I hate watching guys make complete idiots of themselves like that. I need to clarify that - I'm all for making an idiot and/or ass of myself. But not like that. It's... hard to explain.
2004-04-09
Oddness.
So, Katie knew I liked her. Then, I gather, she also knew I did get over her at one point.
So we both worked last night, and I made a comment about having a nice conversation with someone on the boards, then switched with her so I could take that order out. On the way back in, I made a little comment about her having cute eyes. She said something about me having a crush on her [that girl].
Tonight, she was carhopping; Shannon was fountaining, and I was cooking. They were all making bags (we were closed), and talking and having a good time. I told someone we were closed, and made a flippant joke about her liking me or something. Katie responded (I wasn't originally talking to her; she jumped in) about how I shouldn't get my hopes up or something. She again commented on the girl I had a "crush" on yesterday. I rebuked that, noting that I just said she had cute eyes. Keep in mind this conversation is being carried on in typical Sonic style - we're yelling back and forth between the kitchen and the lobby. At this point, Shannon jumps in and says something to the effect of "Someone's jealous..." It was a weird comment. Ricky later said something about her being upset 'cause I'm over her. I don't know... as far as I knew, we were just friends (if that - am I really friends with anyone at work?), and that was that. I'd be suprised ot find out anything else was true. I mean, I am over her. Of course, me being me, I wouldn't really pass up the chance to go out with her, if it ever arose. But I'm not working in any way, shape, or form to make that oppurtunity arise. I don't really have anyone I'm going after at the moment... I sorta like Katie (Fink) - she's *SO* cute, very sweet, I *love* her voice, and the light complexion/red hair/freckles thing totally works for me. But there's all the normal problems - I don't think she'd go out with me, blah blah blah, and the new ones = I'm just too lonely, too heartbroken, too tired, and too isolated to do anything about it. So not really. It was like 3 years between Mindy and Suzie, and I wouldn't be suprised if it was at least that long between Suzie and my next relationship. Anyway...
Ricky says they're gonna start moving me towards Assistant manager. Coolness.
I'm going to do a CD of songs that remind me of ex-girlfriends. So far:
Yeah, some of them seem a little clich?, but there's good reason behind them. Once I have the track list completed, I'll post it, along with the reasoning behind them.
So, Katie knew I liked her. Then, I gather, she also knew I did get over her at one point.
So we both worked last night, and I made a comment about having a nice conversation with someone on the boards, then switched with her so I could take that order out. On the way back in, I made a little comment about her having cute eyes. She said something about me having a crush on her [that girl].
Tonight, she was carhopping; Shannon was fountaining, and I was cooking. They were all making bags (we were closed), and talking and having a good time. I told someone we were closed, and made a flippant joke about her liking me or something. Katie responded (I wasn't originally talking to her; she jumped in) about how I shouldn't get my hopes up or something. She again commented on the girl I had a "crush" on yesterday. I rebuked that, noting that I just said she had cute eyes. Keep in mind this conversation is being carried on in typical Sonic style - we're yelling back and forth between the kitchen and the lobby. At this point, Shannon jumps in and says something to the effect of "Someone's jealous..." It was a weird comment. Ricky later said something about her being upset 'cause I'm over her. I don't know... as far as I knew, we were just friends (if that - am I really friends with anyone at work?), and that was that. I'd be suprised ot find out anything else was true. I mean, I am over her. Of course, me being me, I wouldn't really pass up the chance to go out with her, if it ever arose. But I'm not working in any way, shape, or form to make that oppurtunity arise. I don't really have anyone I'm going after at the moment... I sorta like Katie (Fink) - she's *SO* cute, very sweet, I *love* her voice, and the light complexion/red hair/freckles thing totally works for me. But there's all the normal problems - I don't think she'd go out with me, blah blah blah, and the new ones = I'm just too lonely, too heartbroken, too tired, and too isolated to do anything about it. So not really. It was like 3 years between Mindy and Suzie, and I wouldn't be suprised if it was at least that long between Suzie and my next relationship. Anyway...
Ricky says they're gonna start moving me towards Assistant manager. Coolness.
I'm going to do a CD of songs that remind me of ex-girlfriends. So far:
- El Shaddai
- Lemon Tree
- Never Had a Dream Come True
- Elephant Love Song Medley
- Another Dumb Blonde
- Fly
- How Do I Live Without You
- Heaven
- Heaven (Candlelight Mix)
- I Love You
- Baby Look at Us
Yeah, some of them seem a little clich?, but there's good reason behind them. Once I have the track list completed, I'll post it, along with the reasoning behind them.
2004-02-17
Let's get one thing straight. Paris and Nicole Hilton are not hot. They're not even very pretty. There was a special on them on E! earlier, and they're borderline ugly. They look almost like Christina Aguilera. While we're at it, Jennifer Love Hewitt is fairly unattractive too. I mean, her face and body are okay, but she's basically an annoying little bitch, and her decent looks in no way compensate for that major shortcoming.
2002-11-17
We just got back from my 'Birthday' dinner. Yay. Let's see... Bambi gave me a T-Shirt that said on the back something like "Keep Austin Weird". That reminded me of Roy's avatar that says "Pave Austin". It was interesting. I explained some of the Knighthood's event to Bam, and she actually found some of them funny. When I told her Zara was in the Knighthood, she said, "Is she a wench?" I didn't really know how to respond. Then I had to drive by work, to lend Raul twenty bucks so he could buy some beer. Rachel was there, and she continued her constant "Give Will some totally mixed signs that really just make no sense, even more so then girls normally do (fail to make sense, that is)". Oh well... Payday is like tomorrow or Tuesday, so it's not a big deal. Tomorrow's the big day. I work from 5 to 11:30. Odd. But then the party's on Saturday. It should be... interesting. Zara will be there, which is another opurtunity to be a total doof. Kristina will be there, and I haven't seen her in a year or so, so that'll be good. I really don't know what to say. Apparently, putting ideas down in some sort of concrete form is not my strong suit.
