Take the glitz back, I want the soul instead

Five months.

It's been about five months since I've posted. I'll try to catch up with what I've missed.

School:

School's going really well so far. Took those three classes during the Spring semester, got a 4.0. That was pretty neat. The day of Finals was kind of funny. They schedule like 2 hours for each final, and mine were back to back to back. Each final took me around thirty to forty-five minutes to do, giving me between forty-five minutes and an hour to kill between each final, in addition to the half hour break they already build in to the schedule. The obvious answer would be to use that time to review the material and/or study for the next final; the only problem with that, of course, is that I don't like to count on such intangible, unsure variables like that, so I was completely ready for each final. I went to a dining hall and grabbed some breakfast during one break, and I don't recall what I did during the other final. After the last one, I had to walk to work where Mom was picking me up to give me a ride home.

Something had gone crazy wrong with my truck. Ended up dropping quite a bit on new tires, then I had to have the engine remounted and stuff (they did it wrong during the original installation). That was fun. I ended up only taking three hours during summer school, one class during Summer I. Phil 1305, Introduction to Philosophy and Critical Thinking. The class was okay, I guess. Every morning at 8 am, for two hours, Monday through Friday. I ended up late to work quite a few days because of it, which was fun. I pulled a strong A in that class as well, which was really good, 'cause it was a Writing Intensive class, and I hate writing. It seemed like the more outlandish I made my conclusion, the better my grade on the test was. I don't know if it just did a better job of making my point, or my writing just got stronger as the semester went on, or the professor just appreciated someone who could effectively communicate the material and their understanding thereof, while still making their conclusion fun to read. I hope it was the latter, but I'm not counting on it. Whatever.

So I didn't take any classes during Summer II, 'cause of the money I had to drop on my truck. I'm registered for 13 hours, 4 classes and 1 lab, for the Fall. Chem II, Chem II Lab, Prob & Stat, Data Structures, and Intro to Fine Arts. I even got some financial aid for this and the Spring semesters. It's pretty awesome. Class starts in about two weeks. I've got most of my textbooks, bought two textbooks online - ebay and amazon are pretty neat, around half price of what the bookstore wanted, *and* I could flip them back for most of the price. I still have to pick up my Chem book/lab manual at the bookstore; the professor wrote both of them. So that's fun. Got my classes blocked Monday/Wednesday, which works out well. I start at 9:30 both mornings; Monday, I go to 6-something, on Wednesday, I'm out around 3-something. Long days, but I'll be taking both days off work so I don't have to go in that night. I might take the occasional Tuesday night off as well, to give me some time to get some real sleep. Of course, that's all depending on the work situation, which will have to get better before I'm able to do so, but we'll get to that later.

And I'm officially a senior.

So I don't feel like going into work just yet, so I guess I'll go with personal stuff next. I finally started a good diet that I'm comfortable with, and I feel confident that I can stick with it, for the most part. Coupling that with the amounts of exercise I have lined up, I hope, I really hope, that I can finally lose some weight.

Socially, it's just as much of an abyss as always. Didn't talk to anyone in any of my classes over the fall semester, or the one I had in the summer. I ended up sitting behind this semi-cute girl over the summer, didn't really get her name or anything. She was a hippie (Wait. Her parents were hippies. I'm not sure?) from Austin. Anyway.

So still friends with Matt, we work out and/or play racquetball in the mornings when our schedules work out. Haven't talked to Cullen recently, though I hope to remedy that soon. Rose is moving out of her parents place, which is cool, getting a little one bedroom; I'm helping her move (no big surprise there). Haven't made any new friends (except at work, but that gets covered in the work section) lately. Maybe that'll change in the Fall. I doubt it, but whatever.

Work's been interesting. Our new GM is working out really well, he's a really cool guy. We're getting pasta and sandwiches in the next few weeks (Sh! Nobody's allowed to know that!), which means we have to regear a lot of things, and find room for a bunch of new products, and retrain everyone on new stuff. It's going to be somewhat more labor-intensive, which kind of sucks. The only good part is that we're getting some good stuff, like sliced provolone, genoa salami, and chicken. Of course, they don't really fit in with my diet, so I'll only taste them sparingly, but it'll probably positively impact sales.

Bill no longer works there; he left to go to Colorado or something, leaving me as the only MiT right now. Jen Fee almost came back, but she went to Kyle instead. I've mentioned to Ambra that she should come back and be an MiT for us; new gm, new dm, there's a good chance they'll let her. They should - she's well trained, she's smart, they let her GM a store for over six months. Oh, and we're NOT DATING, nor WERE WE EVER. They're cracking down ever harder on employee dating, transferred a GM to a completely different district because she was dating another GM. Whatever. We did hire this awesome insider named Becky, but she only worked here for the summer. That made me sad, especially when she left like two weeks ago. Thanks to that, we're still working on improving our inside staff. We need another shift runner or MiT, probably another insider or two. We did hire Janelle as a driver, that's pretty neat. She might be moving back here for her last semester and/or year of school, which would be interesting. Her and Mom don't get along as well as her and I do, so she's a little worried that it might not work out, that they're going to clash too hard much for her to live here. I keep telling her that it was hard for me at first, but that it got a lot better, especially once school started.

Anyway.

So that's what's going on with that.

Vanessa Carlton -- Nolita Fairytale

Put down that chainsaw, and listen to me

Facebook is really, really depressing.

Really, really, really depressing. I mean, yeah, it's great being able to see all my friends' status updates and share pictures and trade fun games and meet friends of friends and show off your favorite quotes and all this stuff. However, if you're twenty-five, still working on your BS (your first one), living at home, working as an assistant manager at Domino's, single with absolutely no prospects, overweight, and pretty pathetic overall, it can be depressing to see all your friends from high school doing graduate work and getting married.

Now, I pretty much got over the whole social yardstick thing. It's my life, I can't really compare it to everyone else - we each have our own path to travel through life, that kind of stuff. Whatever.

Of course, that doesn't make me feel that much better when I'm sitting in Discrete I and Alana is teaching the class across the hall.

Moving on.

I registered for summer classes. I think I'm taking ten hours over both summer sessions - six in two three hour classes, then four in a three hour course with one hour lab. Good stuff - Philosphy, Chem II, Chem II Lab, and Prob/Stat. Shouldn't be too hard.

Stopped by Wal-Mart and saw Rebecca earlier. That was really cool, we hadn't seen each other in over a week. She might have seemed happy to see me? I'm hesitant to actually saw that, self-esteem and our situation and all, but I think so?

I've been kinda depressed lately, but I think that might have snapped me out of it. Maybe, we'll see. Also, I keep staying awake for stupid long periods of time without any preparation or real reason. I'm not sure why.

I think Bill's probably leaving near the end of the summer, and Josh isn't going to be working very much after the spring semester ends. Sadness. Jaoquin is quitting, 'cause we're not really giving him any shifts. Of course, he had this annoying tendency to not be able to work the shifts he was given, so I don't feel too bad about it.

"Weird Al" Yankovic -- Dare to be Stupid

And so it begins.

Caught me kind of off-guard, since I was in an instance run at the time.

I'd never let him touch my heart

That last post was both too long, and not as informative as I had hoped. Suffice to say, the last two weeks had some pretty low points.

Anyway.

One other thing I wanted to talk about from work - Matt. Him and I have been getting along *great*, despite the disparity in our ages - he's actually like 31 or something. He's been there maybe three years, and I totally forgot that he worked there when I applied there. But yeah, we've been getting along really well, hanging out at lunch, giving him a ride to and from work at times, that kind of stuff. We've also been playing racquetball a lot - he's been totally kicking my ass, but not nearly as much as the scores suggest. I just have issues returning his serves. If I manage that, and we get to a volley, I more than hold my own. It's just that, well, he'll get like fix to seven aces IN A ROW, which makes things very disheartening. Briefly.

But the thing I wanted to touch on is one other way we're very similar - Mat is also in love with a girl who doesn't love him back. Not like he wants her to, at least. However, the key difference with him is that he's decided there isn't anyone else out there for him, that she's the only person he'll ever love, ever. He lives with her, but they're just friends, and I mean actually just friends. Nothing like the 'just friends' Lilie and I have at times, or anything even close. I mean, even if we didn't fool around like we do, we'd still be close - holding hands and the like. And while I may still be hopelessly in love with her, I'm not so far gone as to believe that she's the only person out there that I could ever love, that it's her or nothing, ever. I mean, that sort of unwavering, unquestionable love may make for great stories, but it's too heart-wrenching of a way to approach life. I guess I could see it if we had been together for a long time or something, but we weren't, and it doesn't really apply here. It's kind of an eye-opener, to see how he's completely attached his life to hers. That's not something I want to go through.

Then, of course, the question comes up, would moving in with them be a step in that direction? Maybe, but I don't think so. I mean, I've contemplated dating other girls, I'm not so far gone as to believe she's the only one for me, ever, that it's her or nothing for the rest of my life. I mean, if she ever wanted to get back together, I'd be all for it, though I know that there are core differences that stop us from being a great couple, and that they'd have to change or be reconciled before "us" would happen, and I don't see that happening any time soon. Which is fine - I don't believe in changing the core of who you are for someone else. But yeah, we've even talked about it. Kinda. We talked more about physical aspects than dating - she's finally not shy about telling me when she's crushing on someone else, because maybe I've finally got her to realize that I'm okay with it? I hope so. I'm finally able to talk to her about my experience with others, as well - nothing major, just things like I've been really noticing - staring at, really - my roommate's massive rack lately. Her possessiveness/insecurity was kind of cute, while somewhat revealing - "You just don't love my boobs anymore", that kind of thing.

So yeah, seeing Matt go through the sheer hell that he does with Celeste is a real eye-opener, makes me see what I could have been, if I had taken the Lilie thing too far, and I think a lot of people, when they council me to move on past her, fear that I'm doing what he is, while I'm not.

Deep Dish vs Dire Straits -- Flashing for Money

The kisses of the sun were sweet; I didn't blink

So my three day weekend ends in like thirteen hours. I don't know that I got anything notable accomplished. Truck registered and/or inspected? Nope. Room cleaned? Nope. I did play some WoW and get Femaledwarf up to 25 (Really close to 26, I could get that level before going in to work, if I felt the urge). I did vacuum the living room and mop the kitchen, which I suppose isn't completely insubstantial. It's something.

Wait!

In my defense, I went down the truck registration place Friday morning to do my registration, but they were closed for Veteran's Day, so I wasn't able to do it. I'll probably wait 'til Thursday, when I get paid, and will be running some other errands anyway.

I'm currently scheduled for nine days straight, but they don't like it when you work seven in a row, so they'll be changing my schedule around (again) to prevent that from happening. Hopefully, this will lead to having Saturday off, so I can go to the hockey game with Bambi and Mom on my birthday. I get to bring a guest as well. I'd really, really like to bring Lilie along; she lives in Austin, and likes hockey to boot. I don't know how well her and Mom get along, if they really like each other, Bam as well. It might end up being a moot point if i have to work Saturday night anyway, since it's up in the air if I'll be going if I do.

Mom asked me something earlier - she asked me if this is where I thought I'd be at 24.

Frankly, no, it's not.

I feel like somewhat of a failure. If not for a series of bad choices on my part, I could have been out of college for two and a half years (give or take a semester) ago, in a real job, working on building a real life. Right now, I feel like I'm just treading water, moving from moment to moment with no real goals or plan. I mean, I know where I'd like to be, and I have a vague idea of how to get there. It's just a matter of fighting the apathy that's been such a defining characteristic of my life the last five and a half years. The only thing I can of that's positive about the entire situation is that I have moved out, I'm kind of living on my own, earning a living. It's a start? I guess? of course, having Mom as one of my top choices for roommate in May kind of potentially negates that as well, although if it makes it easier to get back in school, it'll be worth it. I'm just not sure if it would, and it would definitely be a step backwards in other directions.

Then there's this whole thing with Lilie. It's pushing two and a half years since we've met. I reviewed most of our relationship, relived a lot of memories when I was going back through my 750 posts and putting tags on all of them; it's been the same situation almost the entire time, with a few exceptions: me being hopelessly in love with her, her not being sure how she feels about me, and the intimacy we tend to share whenever we're together serving to confuse the situation that much more. She remarked earlier that I've changed a fair amount since she'd met me, and I think it's reflected in our relationship, which has become a lot more stable, more comfortable, less confusing. There's any amount of repetitive analysis I could do about our history and relationship, but I've done it enough times. Too many. I know the rhetoric by heart at this point, and it doesn't really clarify anything. I think we'll continue along the course we're on now, which is a great one, to be sure. She's become a huge advocate of me moving in with her and Rose, now that she understands that I'm alright how we are, who she is, all that stuff.

I hate putting it like this, making it seem like an afterthought or something, but it'd be great living with Rose as well. I love her just as much, if in a different way, and really miss not seeing her very often and not getting to talk to her very much. As weird as it was when she lived with David and me, it was great seeing her every day. We clash occasionally, usually when one of us is really depressed, and the other one is feeling pissy and doesn't want to deal with it, but that kind of spat doesn't last too terribly long.

So yes, other than a few issues, these two, in no particular order, are my top choice for living companions in May.

Moving on.

Things I still want to talk about:

• People at work that annoy me - Brenda, Conner, and I'm sure there're others
  
• Running into Kenny and Jason after getting off from work the other night
  
• Lilie's breasts
  
• A 5 year plan, complete with incremental steps, to getting my life back on track
  

Note: One of those probably won't happen. I'll let you figure out which one it is. (Hint: I like breasts.)

Also, if this post seems sporadic, it's because I'm lying in bed, watching one of the top five cartoons of all times, Rocko's Modern Life. (The other four, in no particular order, are Transformers (Generation One), The Angry Beavers, and two other ones that I'm not going to disclose at this time, because I don't feel like it's in our national interest. Hey, it works for the president, as it's about time I started exercising my privileges as Supreme Allied Commander of Dinosaur Moonbase 2.)

ATC -- Around the World

The kisses of the sun
Were sweet I didn't blink
I let it in my eyes
Like an exotic drink

You are always going to be my love

I try to be fairly mature, for the most part. I don't mean in music taste, or choices of recreational activity, or hell, even life planning. The one area I *am* very mature is attributing blame, especially my own. Beyond an initial period, which is usually very short, I've always been proud - and it's one of the few things I can really take pride in - of the fact that I'll always take responsibility for my own actions and decisions. At least to myself. That's one of the reasons I tend to deliberate so much, as I root through various layers of things and finally arrive at what I know to be true.

I'm going to make a post soon where I suspend all of that.

Utada Hikaru -- First Love (Dance Mix)

Just got back from shopping (half an hour ago or so). Janelle (my little sister; we're both old enough now to really talk to each other - it's awesome!) and I went and saw the new Harry Potter movie at 10, then we went shopping at HEB. I'd sort of forgotten how much fun it is to go shopping at all hours of the morning, and I've now gotten to share that with my little sis. Anyhoo...

Today's subject: Am I mature?
The problem with this topic is that there's so many different ways to approach it. Let's start off by putting it in perspective. I'm 19, going to turn 20 in about 21 hours. So that puts me square in young adulthood, with full adulthood here or on its way quickly. I go to UT, and will be a junior next semster, and a senior at the beginning of next year. I still live at home, and commute from San Marcos to Austin every day. I think that's sufficient background. Now, onto the question. I mean, my taste in music is definitely immature. I still *love* pop. Britney Spears, Spice Girls, Kylie Minogue, I *love* it. I also enjoy some other stuff too - Stray Cats, Weird Al, techno, and some classic rock (Charlie Daniels). Most of my friends, or people I associate with, listen to *real* music. It's odd. Let's see... most of my friends are into pimping out their computers, hacking, that kind of thing. I don't really care. I've no real interest in drinking. Never have (had any alcohol enter my system, that is). So, I think it's safe to say that my personal tastes are definitely immature, relative to my age group. But why? Probably because of my relatively socially isolated life.

Then, there's emotionally. That's a much harder area to consider. I definitely have no problem with the gamut of human emotions - love, hate, jealousy, fear, etc. And I'm pretty sure I feel the right ones at the appropriate times. I may be comletely awkward around girls, but at least my heart is in the right place (I hope).

I also have no problem accepting responsibility for my actions. I think that ranks as very important when determining maturity. I can set aside personal desires to achieve a goal; momentarily reduce my sense of self to pass a tough situation. I think I'm mature in that sense.

But even so, it just doesn't feel like a resolution. I just don't feel that mature. I mean, I see people around me, and it seems like they're starting their actual lives, while I'm just some dinky kid. Perhaps part of it is just my apathy showing through, but it's still a major nagging.

Just checked out Zara's livejournal; she did end up going to RenFest this weekend, which is why she hasn't been online. Which is bad, because I miss her, and good, because it's hard to make a fool of yourself when she's not around.