When you walk away, you don't hear me say 'Please, oh baby, don't go'

Wow. Even now, I am amazed at how completely my view of the world can change in the course of a few days. Sixty hours ago, I was upset at almost everything, ready to give up on a bunch of things that really mattered to me, and just on the verge of tears. Now, I feel much better. Granted, the first part was due partly to a lack of quality sleep, some misunderstandings, and me still needing to work on chilling out - I'm making progress, slowly - but the turnaround is still palpable. Lilie and I talked some more, and we're back where we always are. Which is a good place to be. Now, if only I could convince her that it would be much, much better to tell me if she starts dating someone, even if it's someone I know, things would be spectacular.

I mean, it kind of scares me at times. I love her. I really, really do. Maybe too much? Well, no. Not to the point where I'd kill myself if she moved away or something like that. Or stalk her, or anything like that. But I do love her a great deal. And yeah, I wish we were together. Failing that, though, what we have now - very close best friends that kiss a lot and hang out and what-not is probably the next best thing. But what I mean that I love her too much is that no matter what we go through, I'm fairly certain that if she ever came up to me and told me that she wanted to get back together, I would. Even after all the pain, the uncertainty, the roller coasters...

Yeah, so anyway. She said that she didn't want to tell me if she was dating someone else because she didn't want to hurt me more, she'd already put me through so much, that I deserved better, etc. None of which is true - well, I mean, the not wanting to hurt me more part probably is, but the rest... "Somebody better"? That's a load of crap, on so many levels. I think we go well together - not perfect; there are a few areas we do differ significantly - but for the most part, yeah. Otherwise, we wouldn't have gone through all we have, and still be where we are.

So that leaves the idea of her dating someone else, with the possibility of it being someone I know. I've already gone through that, for the most part, when she got together with Scott. Well, except for the "someone you know" part. But I have gone through her dating someone else. And yeah, it really, really hurt at first. A huge part of that was the circumstances around it - she said she was leaving to take a vacation, I asked her if there was a boy involved, she said no, we had a huge, heart-felt discussion about it. Then she leaves, and that evening, I stumble upon her journal, and discover the heart-wrenching truth. A huge part of it was that just two days ago, she had told me that exact opposite. I mean, it's one of the ways we're different, how we prefer to handle that kind of situation. I'd rather know straight up, from the beginning. Anyway... I was glad she was with Scott, that things were working out for them. Hell, I even took her to the airport to go see him, and picked her up when she got back. Granted, that was the time he broke up with her, but still. I want her to be happy, and if she's happier with someone else, so be it. And yeah, I understand that she just didn't want to hurt me. But I've already discussed me feelings about that at great length. So anyway. The point I'm trying to make is that I hope she will tell me. I'm horribly insecure, and one of the reasons I'm so weird about her is that I'm afraid that she'll hook up with someone else and I won't know. That the whole world will be laughing at me as I walk around, oblivious. I also understand her hesitation if it was someone we know. That could be... awkward, at best, especially if they know how I feel about her, and given our mutual friends, that's almost a given. The only person I can think of that it might happen with is Mokry from work. He's also the example she always uses, which I can understand. He's smart, funny, attractive, got his stuff in order and a good plan outlined... wouldn't blame her one bit if they hooked up. I'd want things to go well for them. And as far as things being awkward is concerned - I'd sure hope not. Mokry and I are becoming very good friends as well, and I wouldn't that to be disrupted for a girl. I wouldn't say or do anything to contribute to anything awkward about the situation, because I'd want her to be happy.

So yeah. That's how I feel about all that.