I was Juliet, you were throwing pebbles

So how do I feel about Rebecca?  As evidenced by my blog posts, I've had a crush on her since the first time I saw her.  I thought she was very attractive, and desperately wanted to get to know her, but thought I'd never get the chance.  I thought this was like a dream come true, and I really jumped at it.  I didn't ask her right out, and it took a while for it to come out, but it eventually came out that they were still together.  I'll admit, I was a tiny bit saddened; I was really hoping we'd hook up.  I mean, I'll definitely take the oppurtunity as it presents itself, and I did.  I did let her know how I felt, and if I'm reading this right, she basically told me that she wished she had a chance to give me a chance to give us a chance.

The recurring theme that kept cropping up was that Ralph couldn't know, and I felt that was a little messed up.  We weren't doing anything wrong, what reason was there to hide it?  At least, that's a surface interpretation of the situation.  As it turned out, it's just a festering cesspool of drama (the best kind).  He's apparently crazy jealous, and constantly accuses her of cheating on him, of being with other guys.  I mean, it's to the point where he won't let her have a computer, because he thinks she'll just use it to meet guys and hook up with them.

Here's the thing about relationships.  They're built on trust.  You can argue about it being communication, passion, love, or something else, but I assert that trust is what it all boils down to.  Why would you be with someone you can't trust?  If you're in a relationship, trust is the cornerstone!  You can't stop people from doing stuff they want to do.  Why would you want to be with someone that will cheat on you given any chance, and it's your job to make sure they get no chance?  I really don't understand it.  Whatever.

So during the shakeout process, he called me twice from her phone.  I'm not really thrilled about that; I don't want to talk to him.  The first time was to tell me about how he was done with her and stuff, the second time was to tell me how much they loved each other and how they were getting married.  I should mention that he spent the time immediately afterwards calling varous members of his family to tell them what a whore she was.

Fuck him.  That's the last time I want him mentioned on this blog.

So, moving on.  Where does it go from here?  I don't know.  I talked to her briefly when she got to work today.  It sounds like she intends to go with it, at least for the moment.  It's less than twenty-four hours since the shakeout really started, so it's hard to say where this is going to go.  I want her to be happy.  If she marries some guy and we're friends, that's cool.  If she marries some douchebag out of necessity, well, that's one more failure I can hang on my head.  That's a little roundabout, but if I hadn't screwed up my school stuff, maybe I could offer her a place to live, clear the necessity out of it.  Then again, if I did, would I still be living here, working at Domino's, where she would have had the oppurtunity to come see me?  I don't know.

So I think I'm caught up for the most part; I'll probably throw out random pieces here and there as I continue coverage of this drama llama of a situation.

Taylor Swift -- Love Story

The taste of her cherry chapstick

So I'm feeling kind of emotional and vulnerable and depressed right now. Yes, it's going to be one of those posts. You've been warned.

Yesterday was a really good day. Chem II's going really well, got two straight 100's on my last quizzes. Probability's really, really easy so far, but that's going to get interesting when the calculus stuff starts coming in, since it's been so long since I've really done that part. I talked to Jackie before class yesterday, that was really nice. She's got gorgeous eyes (and she knows it). Anyway, she's taking Calc I this semester, she's going to be a math major. Actually wrote my first essay for FA, have to wait and see how it's received.

Got an estimate on my truck yesterday. One thousand, six hundred, and twenty-two dollars and ninety-eight cents. My truck's not worth much more than that. We'll see how the insurance company reacts. The best part is that that's actually a little on the conservative side - that estimate is with having them just fixing the side panel, not replacing it. That number will go up by some amount - I don't know how much - if they have to just replace the entire panel.

So I've been playing Dungeons & Dragons - Tiny Adventures on Facebook, and healed Lilie's character a few times. Admittedly, it's enlightened self-interest - you get a buff for healing other people's characters. Odd dynamic, I think. Whatever. Then she invited me to Blood Lust, which is a weird little vampire game, but it's really integrating advertising tie-ins and recruiting to a new, infuriating level for those of us who look for that kind of thing ("Don't forget to invite daily!") I maxed out as far as I could go without recruiting more friends, so I quit that. But I keep seeing her in my online friends, and I don't even recognize her in the new picture she's got posted on her profile. Anyway, it had me reminiscing a lot. I hate doing that, especially when Lilie's involved. Started getting really depressed, almost to the point of tears. Of course, that left me with only one course of action - went through the list of girls' profiles on my friends list that'll make me super depressed - Chelsea, Lilie, Melissa, Ashley, Beth, those are the ones that come to mind.

Oh! I saw Ashley Hughes yesterday (it was a busy day, apparently) in the music building on my way out. I know she saw me. Not that any of that matters - like most of the girls in my life, they're a much bigger part of my life than I am in theirs. That's probably related to why I have such a hard time letting go of people. But that's another story for another time.

So yeah, went through those, was crying by the end of it. That's something I've done a few times in the past few weeks.

Yeah, that pretty much gets us to where we're at now.

Kate Perry -- I Kissed a Girl

Put down that chainsaw, and listen to me

Facebook is really, really depressing.

Really, really, really depressing. I mean, yeah, it's great being able to see all my friends' status updates and share pictures and trade fun games and meet friends of friends and show off your favorite quotes and all this stuff. However, if you're twenty-five, still working on your BS (your first one), living at home, working as an assistant manager at Domino's, single with absolutely no prospects, overweight, and pretty pathetic overall, it can be depressing to see all your friends from high school doing graduate work and getting married.

Now, I pretty much got over the whole social yardstick thing. It's my life, I can't really compare it to everyone else - we each have our own path to travel through life, that kind of stuff. Whatever.

Of course, that doesn't make me feel that much better when I'm sitting in Discrete I and Alana is teaching the class across the hall.

Moving on.

I registered for summer classes. I think I'm taking ten hours over both summer sessions - six in two three hour classes, then four in a three hour course with one hour lab. Good stuff - Philosphy, Chem II, Chem II Lab, and Prob/Stat. Shouldn't be too hard.

Stopped by Wal-Mart and saw Rebecca earlier. That was really cool, we hadn't seen each other in over a week. She might have seemed happy to see me? I'm hesitant to actually saw that, self-esteem and our situation and all, but I think so?

I've been kinda depressed lately, but I think that might have snapped me out of it. Maybe, we'll see. Also, I keep staying awake for stupid long periods of time without any preparation or real reason. I'm not sure why.

I think Bill's probably leaving near the end of the summer, and Josh isn't going to be working very much after the spring semester ends. Sadness. Jaoquin is quitting, 'cause we're not really giving him any shifts. Of course, he had this annoying tendency to not be able to work the shifts he was given, so I don't feel too bad about it.

"Weird Al" Yankovic -- Dare to be Stupid

We journey over oceans, five fathoms deep

So. Good times.

I'm doing eleven 5-C shifts in a row (by choice, I'm not whining or anything, just recapping), and I just finished up #3. Eight to go.

Work's been kinda blah lately. Julianne quit, no big surprises there. She called in a *lot*. She was kinda worthless, but she could at least answer phones. Or something. I have to work with Trey a lot this week while Bill's on vacation. Good times. Oh, almost went into it with Dylan a few nights ago. So we have this dual-layer heat rack. They each have a switch to turn it off, but the one on the bottom has been redone as a master cut-off switch with an indicator light. That way, you only have to switch one switch to turn it on, and you can see the light to make sure it's on. Long story short, when you're closing, you turn off the main switch, and leave the other switch on. I keep having to tell him not to turn off the top switch. It's such a stupid little thing. Seriously. It should have just taken one "Hey, don't turn off this top switch" and that should have been the end of it. Of course, it wasn't. I've said something to him about it three times, Bill's brought it up at least once. Other than that, whatever.

Went to Wal-Mart the other night, talked to Rebecca. Turns out she's probably moving home this summer when her lease is up. Home is Rockport, a good distance away. It kind of puts an end to the whole thing. Sandra said something like "Well, you'd better make your move! Take her to lunch or something." I think she was just being nice. They do humor me. Anyway. Yeah, it's kind of depressing. Of course, I'm fully aware how pathetic it is for me to be depressed that some girl I've had a crush on for a while now is moving away. I mean, I refer to her as my 'pretend girlfriend' and everything, because it's not like there's ever a chance of something happening. I haven't lost all touch with reality. Whatever. So yeah, wa wa wa, I'm a big pathetic loser, whatever. Of course, it would be the next day that I go through facebook's friend-finder thing and end up with some slight contact with Lilie again. I mean, it's not like I'm still in love with her or anything, but she was the last person I had anything with, so when things seem kinda bad, and then to have that shoved in my face (or whatever), yeah. Good times.

Of course, it's fun to go into a negative emotion spiral, start taking things in the worst possible light. I'm twenty-five, living at home, working at a pizza place. Then start feeling as down as possible about various facets of life. I'll work on that later.

Vanessa Carlton -- Home

You move around like you're unbreakable

Couple things to write about. Crazy dreams, talking to Rebecca - you know, nothing substantial.

This dream I had just recently, woke up a few hours ago. It's fading really, really quickly, but one part stands out. I had a crazy swordfight with some weird French dude in the house. I mean, real swordfighting with epees that could take an ear off. I ended up beating him when I grabbed a spatula and used it as an off-hand weapon and beat the crap out of it while I used my epee to counter his (thanks Jarrod!).

That dream was pretty neat.

Then I had this other dream a few days ago. I wanted to write about it as soon as I woke up so I could get all of it, but I didn't get around to it. Basically, this girl was going to make a video of her doing some cool dive or something into her big pool, but she hit her head on the water or something, so she started sinking straight down and was going to drown. Both her father and I jumped in to save her, but I got down and brought her up before she died or anything. We had already been friends or something, so we went to hang out at her (very large) place. We had to swim across a bay or osmething to get there, that was cool. Oh, and her servants and family really only spoke Italian, and I tried stumbling through some stuff. Good times.

Been on a huge Vanessa Carlton kick lately, her last album is simply amazing.

So yeah.

Oh!

Rebecca.

Rose *and* Matt both wanted to go to Wal-Mart last night; I was only too happy to oblige. She was working the door. Overnight, that's pretty boring. Anyway, I didn't really make it any further into the store than that. Not necessary. We talked for twenty minutes or so. I keep thinking 'Maybe I should excuse myself and leave her alone?', but I don't think that was ever an issue. It's such a weird line I'm trying to walk - I'm pretty sure she knows I like her (she said as much when I ASKED HER OUT), and I don't want her to think that one little rejection will destroy my interest - I'm not nearly so fickle - but I don't want to come off so strong.

Actually, that last sentence is a complete lie. I don't put nearly that much thought into it. My thought process is more like "OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODDON'TBEACREEPYBASTARDOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD". I think that's where the deer-in-headlights comes from. I guess I don't do so well when my inner monologue is freaking out. Whatever.

So yeah, we talked. Notable things - she asked me both (a) if I have a girlfriend and (b) if I live alone. Now certainly, I'm not reading *too* much into things like that - she's just making conversation, being friendly, etc. However, I don't think those are things you might ask someone you think is a creepy bastard who you really don't want to deal with anymore.

I hope.

Anyway, yeah, we talked for like twenty minutes. She said I hadn't formally introduced myself, and she wouldn't have known my name if it wasn't for Suzie (not my ex, but one of the other cashiers), though I swear that one time, she had to bring my food out to me 'cause I ordered a burger at like 7 am, and I asked her her name, and she told me, and she asked me my name, and I told her), but yeah. I should have just taken the opportunity to say "Hi! My name's Billy, and it's my great pleasure to meet you." Of course, I didn't do that. I instead argued with her (!), citing that occurrence. She didn't remember it, which isn't terribly surprising - "Are you sure that it wasn't someone else at Jack in the Box?" - was one of my favorite lines from that conversation.

Of course, that does point at a huge psychological flaw I seem to have. I enjoy being right. I'll argue about it when I think I am, even if it does no good even if I win. Case in point: I could have just apologized, taken the chance to introduce myself then and there, and it would have been pretty cool. But did I? Nope. Argued (!) about it. I mean, gah. Little things like that, I think I should work on a bit.

So anyway. We talked.

Went to class today, spent a while cleaning up my truck, finally put the seat cover on the new seat. Emptied an entire bottle of Febreeze on it to get the smell out. Went ahead and washed the truck, since I was already there. Good times.

DJ HMX w Plural -- Cool Baby

Feels like the crowd is saying

Here it is, my chance to prove that maybe I don't suck at life. Mom's getting some certification through ACC, and Janelle's still in school, so I have two great examples of how to do this whole thing successfully. The only reason I have for failure is myself.

Britney Spears -- Gimme More

It makes the truth even more incomprehensible

Two quick notes. First, school starts in two days - well, three for me, since I only have Tue/Thu classes, but whatever - and I'm frickin' scared. I mean, I'm worried that I'll mess it up again. It was never that classes were too hard, or I didn't have enough time, or couldn't manage it well enough, or was too stressed out, or anything like that. I just didn't care. Theoretically, I've fixed that problem, but I won't know that without some empirical evidence. I won't have that for a few weeks. Got my last textbook in the mail today, for Chem. I have everything I need now, just waiting for the big day.

Went by Wal-Mart last night, saw Nolan. Talked to him a little, since he was working aisle seven and I wanted some juice. They were out of my favorite, White Cran/Strawberry, so I had to settle for some strawberry-kiwi (also delicious, certainly). Rebecca saw me and came over (coincidentally, not purposely, because she was doing returns, and worked on her aisle seven returns while we talked), told me that she saw me when I was here the other night and she was on four zoning. I guess that's a good sign? I mean, if she thought I was a creepy bastard who didn't want me to talk to her at all, she wouldn't mention that she saw me? Go me, and all that. Anyway, we talked a bit. She's a vegetarian, which is cool. Sounds like she's been one for a while. She's "not sure" if she's taking classes this semester - I made a comment about her only having like two days left to decide, and she said she was definitely taking classes this summer. That made me feel a little better about my situation, that she's a little less likely to think less of me for being 25, living at home, working at Domino's, and still in school (that last one is actually a plus, basically. I think.)

Anyway, Nolan went off on one of his "Billy the Kid!!" things, even in front of Rebecca. "That's Billy the Kid!" He made some comment about me knowing Rebecca already - "You just know everyone, don't you, Billy the Kid!". Rebecca said "I don't know anyone" kind of quietly, but I don't think it was so quiet that she didn't want anyone to hear it. I ran into her again on the way out, we talked a little bit, she smiled a lot. It made me smile.

Sylver -- Lay Your Love on Me

Don't you have somewhere to go?

So I know it's clichè, but what with time being an arbitrary concept and all, New Year's provides just as good a time to reflect as anything. A good time to look back at the last year, see where I am, where I'm going, what's coming up.

Let's start with what happened recently. I worked New Year's Eve, which isn't a big deal. I usually do - last year, the year before that, the year before that, but the year before that, I think I was with Suzie in Galveston. I remember three New Year's ago, when I got off from Sonic, was driving home, Mom called me from All Niter, her and Jerry were there, we sat on the patio and had breakfast. Lilie drove by. Good times. So anyway.

I spent this New Year's making pizzas. Luckily, I wasn't taking an order or anything when the ball dropped (which is my way of saying "Midnight struck"). Just kind of standing there. I was very aware of when it was. Bill and Chris were my closing drivers, but they were both out on runs. They were pretty much running nonstop 'til the end of the night. I got a few calls around midnight - Danielle called, that was awesome. Hadn't really talked to her or anything in quite a while. Danielle and Jenni both called, that was fun. Had a few drunks order some pizza in person, that's always fun. I think part of my aversion to drinking is how very, very much I hate talking to drunk people. I hear it's not so bad when you're also drunk. Whatever.

I went to Wal-Mart after work, picked up some juice and stuff. Of course, Rebecca was my cashier. Good times. She was smiling a lot. I'm not naive enough to think she was smiling because of me, but it was definitely at, and I'll take my victories where I can get them.

[Sidenote: I'm watching "Blonde Ambition" while typing this. Atrocious movie. Jessica Simpson's character is a country bumpkin stuck in the big city. She doesn't know how to ride a bike. I'll let that sink in a for a moment. At least Rachael Leigh Cook is in it. She's awesome. Also, apparently, she did the voice of Tifa Lockhart in most of the Final Fantasy adaptations, post-VII. Good stuff.]

Anyway, it really helped dispel all the bad vibes I got from her on Christmas Eve with Jenni. Moving on. I had to give Rose a ride home the next night, she needed to go to Wal-Mart that night. We spent about fifteen minutes in the hair care aisle, she needed some conditioner without certain chemicals in it. Or something, I don't know. I keep my head shaved. Whatever. We had to go through sporting goods for a thermos or something. For whatever reason, I picked up a baseball bat. I started carrying that around for a while. It's a guy thing. Whatever.

So we took the corner towards electronics, and she's standing there right next to the Guitar Hero demo. Long story short, she's watching electronics during lunch, and the other girl, the one playing very badly in training mode, was on lunch. I felt kind of weird holding on to the bat, but I went with it. Rose kind of took off, went to finish her shopping. The girl playing finished the song, realized the game probably wasn't for her. Rebecca and I talked a little while the other girl (she needs a name if I'm going to bring her up very many more times in this story; 'other girl' and 'that girl' is starting to get a little repetitive). She said something about her brother who 'has like, every video game system ever' and apparently doesn't like girls that much because they talk to much and prevent him from playing his games. Good times. She thinks he might be gay. Or something. She didn't want to play, because her eyes don't focus fast enough. She said something about the doctor telling her she needs to exercise her eyes more, and she's annoyed, because the last thing she wants is another doctor telling her she needs to exercise more. Or something.

[How the F did they get Rachael Leigh Cook for this piece of crap? It's awesomely tragic. Oh, crap, Willie Nelson. He must really like Jessica Simpson, or something.]

So she - that other girl - finishes, and asks Rebecca if she wants to play, so she turns to me and asks me if I want to. I hesitantly accepted. I went with 'Hit Me With Your Best Shot', because I know the song really well. I did 98%-ish. It was great, because my hands were sweaty. I'm a big, big guy, and I like to think I do some physically demanding things - I play racquetball, I play DDR. I sweat a lot during those times, but my hands stay dry. They don't sweat at all. Ever.

But they were sweating the whole time I played the song. I guess that means I was really, really nervous. Which I was. Which means I actually like her.

Crazy.

Moving on.

So I finished the song, put down the guitar, said something to the effect of "That's not really fair, 'cause I play this all the time.", picked up the baseball bat I set down by the demo unit, and walked off. I had no idea what was going on. I found Rose, and we went about our shopping. She asked me where the latex gloves were, so I went and asked Rebecca. We talked a bit.

Oh, I was still holding the baseball bat. It wouldn't be right without it.

We talked a little bit; she told me a story about her boyfriend. I'm still debating the point of the story. It could go any number of ways - maybe she was just making small talk (it was a funny story, after all), or just sharing about her New Year's Eve / life stuff, or, quite possibly,

[Major plot hole. This is what I don't get. If they want Jessica Simpson's character to be that idiot's secretary so they can manipulate her, why are they constantly sabotaging her plans? Wouldn't they want to help her and have her do well, so she would gain his trust and thus be a more valuable asset in their plan? I guess that's what I get for trying to actually follow the plot of a movie that makes fun of Norwegians for no real reason. It's not so much making fun of them, as it is randomly having them do karaoke - 'Baby Got Back', no less - in the most horrendous accents I've ever heard.]

[Oh gosh. Here comes the montage where the small-town girl grows accustomed to her big-city job, but turns her back on her small-town roots. I'm already looking forward to the moment of truth where she decides, momentously, to re-embrace her values.]

or, quite possibly, as a way to remind me that she has a boyfriend. (Of course, best-case is that she was reminding herself, because she was afraid she was forgetting. Probably not, but it's fun to dream.)

Moving on.

We got the gloves, we went home.

So yeah, that was fun.

Now, about reminiscing and stuff.

Let's start with work.

I started the New Year working at Wal-Mart. Literally - as usual, I was working that night. Worked there until early April, when Javi called me and asked me if I wanted to come back to Sonic. Ashley Hopkins lent a lot of credence to that argument, and I walked out. That was fun. What was really, really fun about that was that Ambra had started working there by that point, she was also working that night. Lots of freight, understaffed, all the greatest hits we know and love from working at Wal-Mart.

I started at Sonic a week later. It was, well, interesting. Ashley ended up quitting, so did Javi. I ended up working around seventy hours a week. I didn't mind the hours - one week, I had about ninety hours, that was a nice paycheck. Overall, it was a good turning point - allowed me to build a decent reserve really fast (I moved back home around the same time, worked out well). The problem I had at Sonic? Well, it was two-fold. First, as it often the case with crappy service jobs, everyone there hated working it. Now, the thing about these jobs is that the co-workers often make it bearable. That wasn't the case - they had really, really bad attitudes. I can name a few off the top of my head, but it's really not worth it. The second issue was Bubba. He was cool at first, until I got to know him. Not hiring people, not taking an active hand in his store, underordering, argh. I got sick of it.

Luckily, Sergio called from Domino's and asked me if I wanted to come be an assistant for him, as he had just gotten the store. I thought about it, but I was afraid. I hate big decisions; I seem to always mess them up. Of course, I felt pretty good about that one. I put in my two weeks at Sonic, walked out a week later. I've been working at Domino's ever since. Of course, my work history now goes Sonic - Domino's - Wal-Mart - Sonic - Domino's. Good stuff. There was a two day stint at CRI, which isn't really even worth mentioning (well, except for that).

So, yeah. Been working 40-50 (more like 45, not so much 50 anymore) hours a week there, 5-C five times a week.

There's work.

Living Situation.

Not much to talk about here. I was living at Les Chateaux, but I moved home. It does make me feel kind of a loser and all, being twenty-five, working at Domino's, being completely single, morbidly obese, good times. Of course, I'm working on all of those things. I'm twenty-five and don't have a degree, but I am back in school. I'm funding that with Domino's, and I'm working on my weight. Good stuff. Oh, and I pay rent.

[Holy crap, this movie sucks.]

Social:

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Not much to say here. Thankfully, Lilie is no longer a part of my life in any way. Passed her on Thanksgiving, didn't answer when she called. I still think about her occasionally, during depression spirals,

[This scene is actually humorous.]

but that's not really specific to her - that's more about her being the last person I was that close to, and her being such a major part of my life for so long. Comparatively speaking, of course.

So yeah, single and probably going to stay that way for a while. No real prospects or anything. I mean, I kind of have a thing for Rebecca,

[Extreme Sports Bonanza? I miss Rachael Leigh Cook pretending to be part of the marina group.]

Moving on.

but I'm not going to delude myself into thinking that anything's going to happen there.

[Now the running to find his true love and prevent a misunderstanding from becoming a tragedy. Gyp and Buddy could have written a more imaginative, if more cheese-oriented, screenplay.]

So what's in store for this year? School. Work. Getting in shape. Taking control of my life, maybe growing up a little (not too much, don't worry).

So, resolutions? Not sure. I'm cutting dairy almost entirely out of my diet, but that's not a resolution so much as it is a 'I don't want to feel like crap, I'm lactose intolerant' kind of thing. I'm going to be back in school, but that's too much of a thing that's like, interwoven into your life to be a New Year's Resolution. The same goes for health things. I'll get back to you on that one.

Ashlee Simpson -- Boyfriend

Nobody gets out alive

Times like this really test my previous assertion that I'm quite capable of standing on my own. I mean, it's really easy for me to say that yeah, I have no problem being alone, that I can be happy and complete, when things are going well, or seem to be getting better. But now, when I get frustrated to the point of being ready to just give up, when I really just want to crawl into someone's arms, and be held, and cry into their shoulder, that's when I get to find out if what I said was a load of shit or not.

So yeah, truck issues AGAIN. SAME EXACT THING. It's been in the shop... four? five? times for it now. They don't know what's wrong with it, "can't find anything wrong" is what they told us this morning. How do I respond to that? "Well, am I starting it wrong?" I can certainly understand that she's an old vehicle, she's going to have problems. She's, what, 16 years old? I don't know when she was produced in '91, but we're coming up on '07 really fast. So, 16 and change. But in the past five years, I've replaced both the engine and the transmission. Not to mention the radiator, among various minor repairs. It's a constant conundrum: Do you repair the vehicle you have, even though you know it's going to keep having new problems, or get a new(er) one, that should be free of the age issues? When do you justify losing everything you've invested into the old vehicle, and when is it just throwing good money after bad?

I'll probably have to get a bike, use that for a while. Not sure what else to do. I mean, I've made a total mess of my life, and times like this really, really serve to drive it home. I think I preferred it when negative emotion spirals focused on things like why the fuck I did something weird at the skating rink around Chelsea, or why Lilie dumped me for Scott, instead of what a failure I am at life. At least the former have some positive memories attached to them, that don't make me feel even more worthless just to attempt to recall.

Skindred -- Nobody

Cover me in ecstasy

Guess I'm in a posting mood today. I have an hour, maybe two, before I have to spring into action and start getting some errands taken care of - deposit my paycheck, drop off rent, purchase a bird bath for Bam and Greg, go do some clothes shopping at the Outlet Mall, courtesy of the gift card Mom got me, and I think that's all? Oh! I also have to drop by Mom's, grab my cell phone and get some food out of the fridge that expires today. My phone's been missing for a few days now, it was in Janelle's car. Turns out it fell out as I was getting in. Or out. Whatever. It's funny, 'cause there's going to be about five missed calls from the apartment, a few from the house, a few from Rose, and probably a bunch from Mom.

The thing that complicates all of this, and prevented me from doing any of it yesterday is that my truck's in the shop again, for the same old issue. It's starting to get really, really annoying. I don't know how this guy managed to get Bill Mann to give him the SMAC contract, but he really, really doesn't deserve it. I definitely won't be going to him for any of my mechanical needs, once this thing is done, which are coming up - I need a new fanbelt, probably could use an oil change... good stuff.

So yeah. The thing that complicates this... wait, did that. The other thing that complicates this is that I have to pick Mom up at 2:30 to take her from one of her jobs to the other. I think she might be dropping me of at the apartment instead? Something like that. Either way, I'll be leaving at noon, or when Femaledwarf hits 52 (41k xp to go!), but not whichever comes first. I'm not sure.

So, New Year's is coming up. To be frank, Christmas wasn't that great this year. I've already done my disclaimer on bitching about it, and I'd like to just reference it and say it holds here as well. Hell, let's just have it as my standard disclaimer to every post I've ever made in which I bitched about things are, in the grand scheme of things, relatively minor (Note: everything I've ever really bitched about). I don't think New Year's is going to be any better. Well, it won't be worse, but it won't be good at all, because it's going to be a normal work day. We go on break at midnight, which means I'll probably have to deal with a bunch of co-workers being all "Happy New Year's!" I hate that. Well, I don't hate that. I hate random people wishing me a happy New Year's. I guess it's just one of those little idiosyncratic things about me, like how I hate salespeople coming up to me and asking me if I need any assistance in a store. It's polite, it's a nice way of showing compassion for your fellow human beings, and it drives me nuts. Now, I love being wished a happy New Year's by important people.

But I'm going to reminisce about past Christmas/New Year's, and why they sucked. I mean, I don't automatically assume it's going to suck, but I don't shy away from the reality of the situation.

jakalope -- Feel It

Make us feel so cold inside, but they cannot take us back

I feel like writing about work a little, since Brenda is continuing to be a major bitch.

First, some background: The first phase of each shift is getting all the stuff off the palettes. It's generally sorted by aisle, but there is some overlap, some mix-ups, and some random stuff. There's also baby food, which we don't deal with at all. We just put that to the side, some lady comes in and takes care of it. We generally use a shopping cart or two, just put all the baby food in there. We use as few carts as possible, for a few reasons.

So earlier:

I knew Brenda has a shopping cart with baby food, since she had had some earlier, and I was just getting to some on my palette, so I went over to her to ask if she was done with the baby food on her stacks, so I could start getting rid of mine. One other side note: I'm fully aware that this whole thing could just be me projecting my dislike of her onto her, and subconsciously provoking her into responding negatively, thus justifying my dislike of her. It's possible. So I've been very careful to watch the tone of my voice, the diction I use when talking to her, to make sure I'm being appropriately polite and not inciting things.

I walked over to where she was downstacking palette and asked her if she had any more baby food left, or if I could use the cart. She was really rude about telling me that no, she didn't have any left, and yes, I could use the cart.

Wait.

That wasn't the bad part.

So we got a ton of those little packets of crackers. Like, a box containing 10 little packets of maybe 8 sandwich crackers - cheese on cheese, pb on cheese, etc. We had, um, like eight cases of each. Maybe two of each will go up, so we were stacking the overflow on this cart. She walks part the cart, the turns onto the aisle with the crackers in question. I tell that there's a cart for the crackers, 'cause there's already too many on the floor; she looks at me, and kinda starts muttering under her breath.

It doesn't sound very bad in the retelling. But she was being a bitch.

That sounds like a totally unjustified attack against someone I just don't like. Hmm. I'll have to work on that.

Anyway. Moving on.

Lilie and Rose have both found some great company lately. Lilie's got a crush on some guy at work who just broke up with his girlfriend, and she wasn't the "only reason", and Rose met some guy online and they're having a great time. (I feel like I need to clarify a point here - it's not that's it's Lilie specifically that brings this up - I mean, yes, it is, because she's one of my closest friends, and someone I probably talk to more than almost anyone else, but not because she's my ex-girlfriend that I still harbor a lot of affection for. I want things to work out for her and whomever she may choose, and I don't say that in a cynical, wounded, depressed way, like I did with Sean, and to a lesser extent, Scott. More like a content, happy way, that things are going well for my best friend. Anyway.) I certainly don't begrudge either one of them that; however, it does serve to drive home my current social isolation. I mean, well... there's two aspects I'm looking at it from - general social; that is, forming friendships, establishing a community of people you network with, that kind of thing; and closer, intimate relationships - girlfriends, significant others, whatever you may wish to call them. Now, I don't really feel like whining about the second one - I've done so at great length, and even I grow fatigued by the constant, unrelenting onslaught of rhetoric that I've seen fit to spew across my digital journal. I mean, I don't have DPD - I don't *have* to be in a relationship. All things being equal, I do prefer to be in one; it's nice. The intimacy, the shared emotions, the mutual trust, support, and affection... but no. Not today. It's the first upon which I focus my concentration on this evening.

It's weird. It wasn't very bad during the months I wasn't working - I was almost completely isolated. I didn't really see anybody, besides Ambra, the occasional delivery guy, and the family on Sundays. And I didn't miss them at all, to be honest. However, now that I'm taking strides to re-enter the real world, interact with other human beings, and do so on a daily basis, I do find myself lonely, and craving more true interaction, conversation, and even friendship. I guess being back on the fringe is worse than being cut off altogether?

Anastacia -- I Do

The kisses of the sun were sweet; I didn't blink

So my three day weekend ends in like thirteen hours. I don't know that I got anything notable accomplished. Truck registered and/or inspected? Nope. Room cleaned? Nope. I did play some WoW and get Femaledwarf up to 25 (Really close to 26, I could get that level before going in to work, if I felt the urge). I did vacuum the living room and mop the kitchen, which I suppose isn't completely insubstantial. It's something.

Wait!

In my defense, I went down the truck registration place Friday morning to do my registration, but they were closed for Veteran's Day, so I wasn't able to do it. I'll probably wait 'til Thursday, when I get paid, and will be running some other errands anyway.

I'm currently scheduled for nine days straight, but they don't like it when you work seven in a row, so they'll be changing my schedule around (again) to prevent that from happening. Hopefully, this will lead to having Saturday off, so I can go to the hockey game with Bambi and Mom on my birthday. I get to bring a guest as well. I'd really, really like to bring Lilie along; she lives in Austin, and likes hockey to boot. I don't know how well her and Mom get along, if they really like each other, Bam as well. It might end up being a moot point if i have to work Saturday night anyway, since it's up in the air if I'll be going if I do.

Mom asked me something earlier - she asked me if this is where I thought I'd be at 24.

Frankly, no, it's not.

I feel like somewhat of a failure. If not for a series of bad choices on my part, I could have been out of college for two and a half years (give or take a semester) ago, in a real job, working on building a real life. Right now, I feel like I'm just treading water, moving from moment to moment with no real goals or plan. I mean, I know where I'd like to be, and I have a vague idea of how to get there. It's just a matter of fighting the apathy that's been such a defining characteristic of my life the last five and a half years. The only thing I can of that's positive about the entire situation is that I have moved out, I'm kind of living on my own, earning a living. It's a start? I guess? of course, having Mom as one of my top choices for roommate in May kind of potentially negates that as well, although if it makes it easier to get back in school, it'll be worth it. I'm just not sure if it would, and it would definitely be a step backwards in other directions.

Then there's this whole thing with Lilie. It's pushing two and a half years since we've met. I reviewed most of our relationship, relived a lot of memories when I was going back through my 750 posts and putting tags on all of them; it's been the same situation almost the entire time, with a few exceptions: me being hopelessly in love with her, her not being sure how she feels about me, and the intimacy we tend to share whenever we're together serving to confuse the situation that much more. She remarked earlier that I've changed a fair amount since she'd met me, and I think it's reflected in our relationship, which has become a lot more stable, more comfortable, less confusing. There's any amount of repetitive analysis I could do about our history and relationship, but I've done it enough times. Too many. I know the rhetoric by heart at this point, and it doesn't really clarify anything. I think we'll continue along the course we're on now, which is a great one, to be sure. She's become a huge advocate of me moving in with her and Rose, now that she understands that I'm alright how we are, who she is, all that stuff.

I hate putting it like this, making it seem like an afterthought or something, but it'd be great living with Rose as well. I love her just as much, if in a different way, and really miss not seeing her very often and not getting to talk to her very much. As weird as it was when she lived with David and me, it was great seeing her every day. We clash occasionally, usually when one of us is really depressed, and the other one is feeling pissy and doesn't want to deal with it, but that kind of spat doesn't last too terribly long.

So yes, other than a few issues, these two, in no particular order, are my top choice for living companions in May.

Moving on.

Things I still want to talk about:

• People at work that annoy me - Brenda, Conner, and I'm sure there're others
  
• Running into Kenny and Jason after getting off from work the other night
  
• Lilie's breasts
  
• A 5 year plan, complete with incremental steps, to getting my life back on track
  

Note: One of those probably won't happen. I'll let you figure out which one it is. (Hint: I like breasts.)

Also, if this post seems sporadic, it's because I'm lying in bed, watching one of the top five cartoons of all times, Rocko's Modern Life. (The other four, in no particular order, are Transformers (Generation One), The Angry Beavers, and two other ones that I'm not going to disclose at this time, because I don't feel like it's in our national interest. Hey, it works for the president, as it's about time I started exercising my privileges as Supreme Allied Commander of Dinosaur Moonbase 2.)

ATC -- Around the World

The kisses of the sun
Were sweet I didn't blink
I let it in my eyes
Like an exotic drink

You are always going to be my love

I try to be fairly mature, for the most part. I don't mean in music taste, or choices of recreational activity, or hell, even life planning. The one area I *am* very mature is attributing blame, especially my own. Beyond an initial period, which is usually very short, I've always been proud - and it's one of the few things I can really take pride in - of the fact that I'll always take responsibility for my own actions and decisions. At least to myself. That's one of the reasons I tend to deliberate so much, as I root through various layers of things and finally arrive at what I know to be true.

I'm going to make a post soon where I suspend all of that.

Utada Hikaru -- First Love (Dance Mix)

When you walk away, you don't hear me say 'Please, oh baby, don't go'

Wow. Even now, I am amazed at how completely my view of the world can change in the course of a few days. Sixty hours ago, I was upset at almost everything, ready to give up on a bunch of things that really mattered to me, and just on the verge of tears. Now, I feel much better. Granted, the first part was due partly to a lack of quality sleep, some misunderstandings, and me still needing to work on chilling out - I'm making progress, slowly - but the turnaround is still palpable. Lilie and I talked some more, and we're back where we always are. Which is a good place to be. Now, if only I could convince her that it would be much, much better to tell me if she starts dating someone, even if it's someone I know, things would be spectacular.

I mean, it kind of scares me at times. I love her. I really, really do. Maybe too much? Well, no. Not to the point where I'd kill myself if she moved away or something like that. Or stalk her, or anything like that. But I do love her a great deal. And yeah, I wish we were together. Failing that, though, what we have now - very close best friends that kiss a lot and hang out and what-not is probably the next best thing. But what I mean that I love her too much is that no matter what we go through, I'm fairly certain that if she ever came up to me and told me that she wanted to get back together, I would. Even after all the pain, the uncertainty, the roller coasters...

Yeah, so anyway. She said that she didn't want to tell me if she was dating someone else because she didn't want to hurt me more, she'd already put me through so much, that I deserved better, etc. None of which is true - well, I mean, the not wanting to hurt me more part probably is, but the rest... "Somebody better"? That's a load of crap, on so many levels. I think we go well together - not perfect; there are a few areas we do differ significantly - but for the most part, yeah. Otherwise, we wouldn't have gone through all we have, and still be where we are.

So that leaves the idea of her dating someone else, with the possibility of it being someone I know. I've already gone through that, for the most part, when she got together with Scott. Well, except for the "someone you know" part. But I have gone through her dating someone else. And yeah, it really, really hurt at first. A huge part of that was the circumstances around it - she said she was leaving to take a vacation, I asked her if there was a boy involved, she said no, we had a huge, heart-felt discussion about it. Then she leaves, and that evening, I stumble upon her journal, and discover the heart-wrenching truth. A huge part of it was that just two days ago, she had told me that exact opposite. I mean, it's one of the ways we're different, how we prefer to handle that kind of situation. I'd rather know straight up, from the beginning. Anyway... I was glad she was with Scott, that things were working out for them. Hell, I even took her to the airport to go see him, and picked her up when she got back. Granted, that was the time he broke up with her, but still. I want her to be happy, and if she's happier with someone else, so be it. And yeah, I understand that she just didn't want to hurt me. But I've already discussed me feelings about that at great length. So anyway. The point I'm trying to make is that I hope she will tell me. I'm horribly insecure, and one of the reasons I'm so weird about her is that I'm afraid that she'll hook up with someone else and I won't know. That the whole world will be laughing at me as I walk around, oblivious. I also understand her hesitation if it was someone we know. That could be... awkward, at best, especially if they know how I feel about her, and given our mutual friends, that's almost a given. The only person I can think of that it might happen with is Mokry from work. He's also the example she always uses, which I can understand. He's smart, funny, attractive, got his stuff in order and a good plan outlined... wouldn't blame her one bit if they hooked up. I'd want things to go well for them. And as far as things being awkward is concerned - I'd sure hope not. Mokry and I are becoming very good friends as well, and I wouldn't that to be disrupted for a girl. I wouldn't say or do anything to contribute to anything awkward about the situation, because I'd want her to be happy.

So yeah. That's how I feel about all that.

If you want me to stay, I'll never leave

People have asked me before, "What are you looking for in a girl?" I've never really had a good answer to that question. I mean, I could usually come up with an answer - it'd vary. Something flippant, perhaps - "Well, female, preferably; physically and mentally capable and competent would be nice"; on other occasions, something incredible general - "Well, someone nice, sweet, and intelligent." While both of those are true answers, they are far from complete. I'd venture to say most people would describe their ideal mate in such a fashion - certainly not in *that* fashion, but that those would either (a) be assumed, or (b) present in one form or another.

That all changed a few days ago.

Well, to be fair, that's a little melodramatic. There wasn't some cataclysmic event that occurred which caused some drastic change in myself, my outlook on life, or anything of that nature. The same can be said of my mood that day. But that's beside the point, other than that they share a common cause.

This isn't about anything physical. Granted, there are certain attributes and combinations that I tend to favor. Green eyes/red hair/freckles is one that I didn't really notice until about two years ago, but it is currently my favorite. Blonde hair/blue eyes is always a classic; I also like long, dark curly hair coupled with dark eyes. Really dark eyes. The kind where you're not sure where the colored part ends and the central black part (I can't remember the technical terms for them; biology was never a favorite subject of mine; perhaps it's the cornea and the iris? Not sure.) begins. Tall and short have never really been an issue - Zara was tiny, Suzanne is almost as tall as I; I wouldn't mind dating someone taller. Some time in the last couple of years, I've become something of a 'breast guy', in that that's the main secondary sexual attribute I notice - as opposed to an 'ass guy' or a 'leg guy'. There are others, but those are the main three. But again, that's not really something I assign a great deal of priority to - while it something I do notice and definitely enjoy, simply compare Suzie and Lilie to Mindy and Zara. In short, a comparison of girls who've caught my eye (I love hyphenated statements, to the point of overuse. Deal with it.) - Lilie, Melissa, Mindy, Samantha, Leslie, Taylor Stevens, Chelsea, Zara, Suzanne; they definitely run the gamut. The whole point I'm trying to make with this is that I've been attracted to girls all over the physical spectrum.

Oh, and I'd really like to have a girlfriend that has wings. Huge feathery wings that she can conceal at will, just so I can be there for the moments when they pop out. And I think it'd be really cool to be embraced by them, especially in bed. Yeah, that's be cool. Unless she started tickling me with them, 'cause I'm really ticklish. But even that would be cool.

However, I digress.

The original point of this post is that I've finally discovered a necessary trait for me, when discussing possible mates. Significant others. Girlfriends. Whatever you may wish to call them.

Simply put, well, crap. There's no real 'simple' way to put it, so I'll just use my normal method of vague, half-coherent rambling, and hope that I've put across enough of the core subject that someone, somewhere, understands it.

I want someone that will tell me the truth. Someone that won't play little mind games, that respects me enough to think that I DESERVE to know what's really going on. I'm tired of mind games, of "I didn't want to hurt you", of people refusing to take responsibility for their own actions. After that introduction, I'd like to add in some qualification. I understand that at times, lying is necessary. However, it's been my experience that people (girls) don't understand when it is. Throwing a surprise party for your beau, and need them out of the house for a while, then back at a specific time? Yes, lie your head off. I guess you could throw in jokes, gags, that kind of thing as well.

Now, breaking up with someone is a time when it's NOT okay. "But I don't want to hurt their feelings". Bullshit. That line - and yes, it is most definitely nothing but a line - means one of a few things. First and foremost, we need to better define the situation under examination. If the breakup is mutual, it probably doesn't matter why you tell each other you're breaking up (though under one case, it does. We'll get to that later.) If he's done something atrocious - hit you, cheated on you, lied about something equally important, then yeah, it doesn't really matter what you tell him on the way out (if that even happens). If one of you has just completely stopped caring about the other - I don't mean affectionately and romantically, I mean *at all*, wherein if you found out the next day they'd been hit by a bus, your only response would be "Heh. Guess I'm not getting my five bucks back", then yeah, it probably doesn't matter. I'm only going through these exceptions because I just read A Guide to Fallacy Free Arguments and am currently working my way through Plato's Republic.

So now, we've established that we're limiting our field of discourse to breakups where it's still somewhat amicable and there are no extenuating circumstances. So, what do people (girls) *really* mean when they say "I didn't want to hurt you?" Well, it usually means one of a couple things. A lot of times, they're only superficially considering the situation. Granted, you may spare some pain by giving your (now) ex-significant other a kindler, gentler reason for the split. However, the pain you've saved them will be revisited upon them tenfold when they discover that (a) you were lying to them and (b) the real reason for the breakup. You're also saying that you don't respect them enough as a human being to feel that they deserve to know the truth. That, or they're not emotionally mature enough to handle it. Either way, you're certainly not doing them a favor. Another common response is "Well, it's none of their business." Yes, it is. You made it their business when you started dating them. And, worst case in that scenario, telling that you don't want to tell them why is still better than a false reason.

I think that's one of the reasons I look back on my time with Mindy so fondly, despite it sounding horrific when I reminisce. Sure, she had a tendency to dump me for another guy - well, it only happened two or three times. Two that I can remember. But I never had to worry about happening and her not telling me. I could sleep soundly confident that I knew where I stood with her. That might sound a little odd, but remember, she was kind of weird. Granted, so was I. The whole thing was pretty gosh-darn weird. I think most of my relationships are. The more successful, the weird they are. But that's a digression from the main point. The resaon I look back on my time with Mindy, despite its outward oddity, is how open we were with each other.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm saying that both people should immediately lay themselves out bare, share every secret, their entire life story, etc. Nor am I saying that there shouldn't be any mystery, any mystique. I'll be the first to admit it's a fine line to walk, and one that's easy to go back and forth on. I'm just outlining a quality I've finally realized I desire in a potential... well, girlfriend. I guess. I think that, more than anything else, would earn my affection.

Though giant feathery wings wouldn't hurt.

To wreak havoc and destruction, and to strike fear

Don't listen to anything that I say. I have no idea what's going on. Well, I do. We talked about it. Kinda. And it's mutual that we have no idea what's going on. Sort of. So we're not worrying about it. At least not officially. Unofficially, it's quite an emotional rollar-coaster for me. Granted, it's sort of evened out lately. Kinda. At times. Something like that. But as recent events prove, that's not anything to take *that* much comfort in. It's partly because of who and how I am, partly because of all the other stuff that's going on right now, which makes it difficult not to get upset about things. So yeah... I guess I'm just going to hang on and stop trying to figure out where it's heading, where the end is.

Or something like that.

Those things which I once sought refuge in are those from which I now flee, which leaves me with no place to find sanctuary, nothing to turn to.

Fun.

Baby, you're all that I want

I'm pretty smart. Not so much in dealing with people - though I can usually read people fairly well, at least once I get to know them - but in an analytical sort of way. And I don't speak up that often, so when I do, I'm usually right.

But when I'm wrong, I'll be the first to admit it.

I was wrong. Very wrong.

And it's outstanding.

Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing

The long, dark, tea-time of the soul.

The hour of the wolf.

That place between awake and asleep, where you still remember dreaming.

It has many names, but they all refer to the same thing, the same state of being. I've been stuck there for a while now; to all outward appearances, I was reading
Children of the Mind, the last book in the Ender Quartet. Of course, I was on the same page for over an hour, because I wasn't really seeing anything. I've been replaying various memories over and over in my head, analyzing various events and arriving at the same conclusions. Or rather, when I managed coherent thought concerning one, it led to the same conclusions. The same ones I've been told by various people throughout the last six months, the same ones I've reached many times myself.

Of course, that's not the problem. The problem is knowing something is right, that it's the appropriate course of action to take, and being unable to take it. Although, in this rare moment of stark honesty, it's not really being *unable* to take it. The connotations of that choice of words imply some external force preventing me, some exterior pressure that leads me from undertaking that necessary course of action. That, of course, is untrue. The only force that stops me is, well, me. Something that originates inside of me. That sounds like, but isn't, an attempt to absolve myself of blame or responsibility. On the contrary, I accept it fully.

The question then becomes, what is it that prevents me from carrying through on these resolutions passed during the long, dark tea-time of the soul, when the opurtunity arises the next day, the next week? That is, of course, one key test of character - it's so easy to conceive an idea, to mentally resolve to face a challenge, but actually confronting it reveals one's heart. And in that crucial battle, I lose every time.

Why? Fear, of course.

Many, many things are ultimately traceable back to that one basic emotion.

Becaue you're the cause of most of them

That's somewhat of a generalization. Not 'most of them', but the ones I don't show around you. Problems at work? Slowly adjusting to Janelle's thing? Those, I have no problem sharing and showing you. But when it comes to when you make me sad or upset, it's hard to show that to you.

I know I'm a huge advocate of sharing feelings and being very open with your partner (well, that doesn't *quite* apply, but it's still the best word in this situation, I think). It's just, these are things you already know, or that aren't ever going to be resolved, so there's not really any point in bringing them up.

A lot of them stem from the fact that I still love you, in a very-much-more-than-friends kind of way, while I'm fairly certain you don't feel the same way about me. I'm not even talking degree here, but variety. Love me as a very close friend? Yes. Anything more? Though you're not sure, I'd guess no. And I don't think me feeling the way I do about you will bring about any good for anyone. I mean, hell, even if we were going to get back togther, me feeling like this would probably only be a determent, since you probably wouldn't walk into something like that.

So yeah. I don't want you to see the melancholy that occasionally successfully fights its way onto my face when we're together, and I have to remind myself that we're not together, and that I need to be your best friend, not your best friend that still longs to be with you. I don't want you to know how sad that makes me sometimes. I mean, I'm okay with it. Unrequited love is something I'm quite familiar with, and I know how to deal with it. But being best friends with the person in question, that's something new for me. Not that I would trade that part away for anything. The very things that put me in this uncomfortable situation are the same things that make us such good friends. It's just that they don't stop me from getting sad or upset. And not upset *at* you, don't think that. Upset at... well, things. Upset that I'll never quite know why we broke up. I know part of it, and I believe it, but I don't think I know the whole story, nor will I. Upset that I just wasn't the right person, or didn't say the right thing, or did the wrong thing. Sad that that will be the only chance I ever got.

So yeah, 'long story' and all. But don't worry - these are things I keep buried deep down, that I don't plan on bringing up with you. I mean, we're best friends, not ex's.