Now that I've covered the clerical stuff, I can get to the real things that matter. Like my personal life. Or, well, to be more accurate, the complete and total lack of one. Take things between Zara and I. There aren't any. I'm not just referring to a romantic relationship, I mean anything at all. We're tenuous friends at best, co-BUH-ites at worst. I can live with that (as opposed to the alternative), but I can always dream. It's not there's like there's much else to take my mind of how I've totally screwed another chance. I broke out into tears today after CS, on my way to the Painter Lab. At first, I wasn't really sure why, but I thought about it and figured it out quick enough.

It's happening again. Back before high school, I used to have major self-esteem issues. Part of it - most of it - came from the things Donnie, David, and co. put me through between fourth and ninth grades, I think. But by tenth grade or so, I was doing pretty good. By the time I graduated, I was doing great. College put a stop to that, though. A few of these thoughts came from Lilana today after the meeting. It was really easy going to High School in San Marcos, 'cause I've been here for almost nineteen years, and know everybody. I had a great support base, a great circle of friends... even meeting new people was really easy, 'cause I wasn't really going out on a limb - I had my net. But the summer of '01, it all changed. I lost contact with everybody from high school, except for Josh and Jarrod. Aside from those two, I haven't talked to anyone from High school since graduating, except for the short, meaningless platitudes you exchange when you see an old acquantince after a while. So I entered college totally bare, so to speak. And I've totally forgotten what it's like to be that way. I've been totally unsuccessful at making new friends, and I've been here over a year and a half. I mean, I've tried the obvious stuff - meeting people in my classes, clubs/organizations, that kind of stuff. No go. It's like I've forgotten how to connect with people. And it's on a subconcious level too, which really scares me. I find myself totally unable to "just go talk to someone", which is another good piece of advice which totally fails. It's really scary. The only new people I've met are the Knighthood, which doesn't really count, because I can't accurately describe myself as friends with anyone in there. There's also a few people in CS, but now that I've managed to get held back a semester, I'm gonna lose that connection. I'm pretty sure I'm sliding back down the self-esteem slope, which is a major not-fun downward spiral - the worse you feel about yourself, the harder it is to meet people, and the harder it is to meet people, the worse you feel about yourself. A lot of times, I feel like I don't really belong in college. I mean, intelectually, yeah, I s'pose I do, but on a maturity level, I usually feel like a little kid playing an odd version of pretend. I suppose that a lot of college students feel that way, but it certainly doesn't help. I'm just not sure where to go from here...

Don't even get me started about my thoughts on my future...

Woah. That rocked. Man, that was awesome. Let's see, let's start with a basic summary:

• First, I woke up about eight o'clock and commenced final preparations - cleaned my room, did dishes and laundry, and got my hair cut.


• After that, I went to get Zara. I called her cell three times - before leaving, when I was half-way there, and when I arrived on campus. No answer. I had Janelle go through the UT directory to get her home phone number, which I then called and woke her up. She was down in about ten minutes.


• We drove back to San Marcos.


• Josh and Jarrod showed up, and we left.


• Everything went great until Ben White & 35, when we hit traffic. And by 'hit', I mean like a fly hits a semi going 72 mph. Except we didn't die.


• Half an hour later, we get past the Ben White/35 exit, and get to Blazer Tag three minutes after that.


• Christine and Devon aren't there, and won't be seen all day. Brian is, though, and we proceed to play a game of Tag - we lost our first game since we weren't there.


• That was way too fun. Jarrod (who grabbed the wrong pack, and ended up on my team) and I pulled some cool commando stuff and re-took the tower from like multiple green people. Zara used the handle "Zarmander", which is ineffibly cute. The red team won.


• We drove back to my house. Zara, Brian and I stopped at campus, and Zara called her play person, who told her she couldn't be any later than 7:30; Zara came for dinner (yay!!)


• We came home; Caleb was there as well; we began a game of nuclear Risk, and got through three (people's) turns before dinner started.


• Everyone loved dinner. It was awesome.


• I had to take Zara and Freddie home and to work, respectively.


• Zara and I talked the whole way back. It was really cool.


• I finally got home, and we had strawberry shortcake, then started playing 4-player Super Smash Bros.


• Eventually, we went back to Blazer Tag and played another game. We were all on one team, and held the tower.


• I discovered DDR.

That's about it. It was really, really fun.

Two things:
First: I need to back off in regards to Zara. Wait, that sounds wrong. What I mean is, I need to quit minutely analyzing every single moment. It's frustrating to realize this, because I've gotten so good at this sort of thing. Backing out of arguments when I realize they're degenerating into little fits and aren't going anywhere; backing away when I realize I want to be someone's friend way more than they want to be mine. I guess that'll make this that much easier. I'm still "going for it", if that makes any sense.

Second: DDR rules. I don't think I should be any good at it, as I'm a big, uncoordinated white guy. But I was thinking about it, and I actually have a couple of advantages that help. I was in band, and darn good at it too, so I can follow beats and rythyms pretty well. I just never knew what to do (like when dancing, for example.) They give you the arrows, which takes care of that. Second, I'm ambidextrous, so I can use both feet really well. Next time the Knighthood goes to Einstein's, I might just play with them (except I get hella-sweaty.)

It was cool, too, because everyone agreed me with that Zara's really pretty. Apparently, they had this weird impression she was tall and not-pretty.

So I'm IM'ing with Zara. She tells me she's in this play at eight tomorrow, but she has to be there at five. Major bummerage!!! Not only will she not be able to come back to San Marcos for an awesome cena italiana, but I can't even go watch her in the play. Man, that sucks. Oh well... Just took an m343K test. Looking foward to the weekend, except I might have to work for an hour tonight, making it difficult/impossible to head over to Josh's tonight, and I have to work 12-10 Sunday. Bruce said he'd pick up the tail end of that, though, if I wanted. I don't know. But no, it's not okay!! I was really looking foward to having her meet my friends and family, so maybe she'd realize I'm not just a big dork, but a big dork with a nice family. That sounds weird, for some reason. Oh well... I was going through the logs of all my IM friends, because I do stupid things like that when I'm bored, and I realized that when her and I first started talking, I told her about my little Tiffany-crush from waaaaaaaaaay back when. Man, I feel stupid. I mean, that whole Tiffany-crush-thing was stupid enough, but to end it with something this stupid is just vintage Binky.

Oh well...

Almost Saturday. Saturday will be fun. So far, Zara, Jarrod, Josh, Brian, Christine, Devon and Kristina are all going to play Lazer Tag, and Caleb will be joining us after he gets off work for dinner. I still get to invite one more person, and I *love* those last minute things. But for some reason, I'm pretty good at pulling these off. Oh well. I just finished washing the outside of my truck. Exterior wash, wax, tire spray, and cleaned the windows. Mom asked me what's the big occasion. Well, to be honest, I'm really glad Zara feels comfortable enough around me to ride with me for half an hour together. Of course, she walked blindly into the Buh Mad-Dog party, so she could just be really brave. Either way, she's still really cute, and I can't wait for the oppurtunity to get to know her. I don't think I screwed up everything as badly as I did. I asked Tom during Ratings if there was anything between him and Zara, and he replied negatively. Additionally, Richard asked if I knew about Becky. I asked if that was in regards to Tom or Zara, but they wouldn't say. I'm guessing Tom. Which is AWEsome. And Zara and I talked on the AIM, so I guess everything's cool there. I don't know if she reads this (if I had to guess, I'd guess "No.") (and she's the only one who even might).

Ratings was really cool. The police came and made us stop, but ChaChee and Drew were telling me and Tom how they can't *make* us stop, only ask us to, as long as we don't break any laws (which we weren't).

Just got home from work (actually, it was over an hour ago). Yesterday was my 20^th birthday. It was interesting. I say that a lot. Um, Sunday night, (the night *before* my birthday), me and mom and Janelle and Bam/Greg and Jerry all went out to eat at Chili's. It was pretty good, and the wait staff sang happy birthday to me. Then yesterday, I went to school and work like a normal day. But Janelle and Caitlin (that's misspelled, but no one reads it anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter that much) showed up with a cake. It really made my day (and the rest of the crew's day, who also got to eat cake). Then, after eating my cake, I got to keep it too. I've always wanted to say that. I also made that painful realization. Those of you who have a bad habit of developing crushes on the *totally* wrong people know which one I'm talking about. The one where you realize, no matter how hard you might try to deny it, that it just wouldn't work out between you and your crush. Even if your dream came true, even if you got that one special evening together, it just wouldn't work out. I hate that part. I haven't really talked to Zara since the incident w/ Lisa at Dobie. Oh yeah, I guess I haven't actually talked about that one yet.

Well, basically, "David" mentioned to me that it was really obvious that I was crushen' on Zara. We asked Lisa if it was, and she said that things were never obvious to her (I also learned she's going out with Josh, which I didn't know). Moments later, Lisa said, and I quote (actually, I don't remember what she said. This is, at best, a paraphrase):
"What do you mean, Binky HAS A CRUSH ON ZARA?"
The parts in all caps she said REALLY LOUDLY.
It was... well, not quite embarrassing, but I wish she hadn't said it. Sometimes, I think that kind of made Zara really uncomfortable around me anymore; but I could just be imagining things.
Oh well...
I wonder what the deal between her and Tom is, anyhoo. I mean, it's not really any of my business, but that doesn't stop me from wondering.
I'm going now, because SNL w/ the Spice Girls is on Comedy Central.

We just got back from my 'Birthday' dinner. Yay. Let's see... Bambi gave me a T-Shirt that said on the back something like "Keep Austin Weird". That reminded me of Roy's avatar that says "Pave Austin". It was interesting. I explained some of the Knighthood's event to Bam, and she actually found some of them funny. When I told her Zara was in the Knighthood, she said, "Is she a wench?" I didn't really know how to respond. Then I had to drive by work, to lend Raul twenty bucks so he could buy some beer. Rachel was there, and she continued her constant "Give Will some totally mixed signs that really just make no sense, even more so then girls normally do (fail to make sense, that is)". Oh well... Payday is like tomorrow or Tuesday, so it's not a big deal. Tomorrow's the big day. I work from 5 to 11:30. Odd. But then the party's on Saturday. It should be... interesting. Zara will be there, which is another opurtunity to be a total doof. Kristina will be there, and I haven't seen her in a year or so, so that'll be good. I really don't know what to say. Apparently, putting ideas down in some sort of concrete form is not my strong suit.

Just got back from shopping (half an hour ago or so). Janelle (my little sister; we're both old enough now to really talk to each other - it's awesome!) and I went and saw the new Harry Potter movie at 10, then we went shopping at HEB. I'd sort of forgotten how much fun it is to go shopping at all hours of the morning, and I've now gotten to share that with my little sis. Anyhoo...

Today's subject: Am I mature?
The problem with this topic is that there's so many different ways to approach it. Let's start off by putting it in perspective. I'm 19, going to turn 20 in about 21 hours. So that puts me square in young adulthood, with full adulthood here or on its way quickly. I go to UT, and will be a junior next semster, and a senior at the beginning of next year. I still live at home, and commute from San Marcos to Austin every day. I think that's sufficient background. Now, onto the question. I mean, my taste in music is definitely immature. I still *love* pop. Britney Spears, Spice Girls, Kylie Minogue, I *love* it. I also enjoy some other stuff too - Stray Cats, Weird Al, techno, and some classic rock (Charlie Daniels). Most of my friends, or people I associate with, listen to *real* music. It's odd. Let's see... most of my friends are into pimping out their computers, hacking, that kind of thing. I don't really care. I've no real interest in drinking. Never have (had any alcohol enter my system, that is). So, I think it's safe to say that my personal tastes are definitely immature, relative to my age group. But why? Probably because of my relatively socially isolated life.

Then, there's emotionally. That's a much harder area to consider. I definitely have no problem with the gamut of human emotions - love, hate, jealousy, fear, etc. And I'm pretty sure I feel the right ones at the appropriate times. I may be comletely awkward around girls, but at least my heart is in the right place (I hope).

I also have no problem accepting responsibility for my actions. I think that ranks as very important when determining maturity. I can set aside personal desires to achieve a goal; momentarily reduce my sense of self to pass a tough situation. I think I'm mature in that sense.

But even so, it just doesn't feel like a resolution. I just don't feel that mature. I mean, I see people around me, and it seems like they're starting their actual lives, while I'm just some dinky kid. Perhaps part of it is just my apathy showing through, but it's still a major nagging.

Just checked out Zara's livejournal; she did end up going to RenFest this weekend, which is why she hasn't been online. Which is bad, because I miss her, and good, because it's hard to make a fool of yourself when she's not around.

Sitting at home. Just got off of work. Well, like forty minutes ago. Had to take another guy home, check my email, and put on some shorts. So now, I'm just sitting at home. Jarrod's not answering; he's who knows where; neither is Josh. It's pretty sad when you can totally have nothing to do on a Friday night when two people aren't answering their phones. It's pretty frustrating, because any other friends I could possibly have are in Austin - that whole UT thing. Zara, for instance. That makes it pretty difficult to form true friendships, as well as puts a strain on any that may form. I know, I know, it sounds like I'm whining. Maybe I am. What of it? I can deal with all of this social isolation. I do every day. But these are thoughts that go through my head every day, and it's not like there's anyone to share them with. So, I just retread the same mental paths over and over again. Writing these thoughts down does seem to stimulate thinking about them in different ways, or occasionally making me think of something new. Oh well... So, let's explore the Zara angle some more. Is this another latching on out of desperation? That thought's came up a few times, and I don't think so. I mean, I'll admit, there's been a few since coming to UT. Deidre definitely was. That girl in my philosophy class last semester was too. But I *knew* that for both of them the whole time. But I don't think so this time. I mean, it wasn't a right-away kind of thing. It was a month or two after meeting her for the first time (at a Knighthood meeting; where else?). I think it was at the Mad Dog party where it kind of came out, though. More tomorrow. Or the day after.

Yeah, so I just finished my diary, and my mom came home, and I have a new windshield. Go me, I suppose. And I've just made an idiot out myself yet again. Now, don't get me wrong, that's certainly nothing new to me. I'm really good at making a complete and total idiot out of myself (probably one of the key reasons the Knighthood will put up with me), but I haven't done it in a while (well, again, except for Knighthood type stuff). In reflection, though, that's only because I've been so isolated since joining college. It's kind of hard to make an idiot out of yourself when you're driving over an hour a day, spending another forty minutes on a bus, and spending the majority of the remainder in class or in San Marcos (where the cows don't care how you act). But now, that's changing. Now, I'm in the Knighthood, and finally managing to break out of this little isolation block I've built up. Then, there's Zara. Man, I've managed to screw things up completely in a relatively short amount of time. Usually, it takes me a little while. Not this time. But I'll thouroughly analyze that later, as I have to leave for work now. But I do have a forum for putting down all of this self-analyzation that I find myself doing, without fear of anyone actually *reading* it.

I have no idea what's going on here. I'm only here 'cause this girl Zara told me to.