Never ever have I ever felt so low

So Jess asked me today how things are going with Ambra, and Felicia and I touched on that topic when she called about getting some stuff for the Steak Fanatic pizza, since she was about to run out and the office decided at the last minute to prolong the period of time in which we're offering the disgusting abomination. Yeah.

In both cases, I didn't really have an answer. Well, I did, kinda. The answer I had was that there wasn't anything to be going. I think that's my fault, as I haven't really pursued anything yet, mainly due to our schedules. Well, that, and I don't think I'm in an emotional state to even consider seeing someone else, when I can't seem to get past the last person I saw. I don't think it would be fair, the whole thing just sort of screams 'rebound' to me. So every time the oppurtunity arises, I passively let it go. Which got me to thinking about whether or not I should even try. I mean, first off, I'm not over Lilie, not by a long shot. Her stopping by work today and talking was enough to send me to the walk-in, crying, after she left, which was fun. Yeah. But something occurred to me about my relationship history the other day. Generally speaking, if the past is any indicator, this (Ambra) would end up being a disaster, or not ending well, or something like that, for the simple reason that someone else didn't do the hard part already.

That sounds a little weird, so I'm going to go dredging about in my past, a favorite pasttime of mine, and categorize my relationships by some new standards and see what patterns emerge. It should be fun.

Chelsea

Ah, yes, the one that started it all. Now, to be fair, you can't really even call this one a relationship. I mean, holy crap, we were kids. To be fair, yeah, a lot of kids are pursuing relationships - or some twisted version of it - this young, but I sure as hell didn't know what was going on.

• Initiation: Completely by myself. No help, nothing from her.
  
• Duration: A year, from the beginning to the end, but there's a lot of holes in the middle.
  
• Quality: Terrible. As I said, I had no frickin' clue what the hell was going on. My connection to reality has always been tenuous at best, and it was particularly weak concerning the fairer sex when I was younger (not to imply, by contrast, that it's any better now.)
  
• How: She finally realized that the entire thing was a terrible idea, had nothing to do with reality, and ended it. I appluad her for the action.
  
• Now: We never really talked before hand - I was too nervous - and not much after - I was too embarrassed. So, yeah.
  

Overall, a complete disaster. And it was all me. Isolated incident, or ignored foretelling? We'll see.

Shayna

I moped around a lot after Chelsea dumped me; one day, in Gamez's Algebra I class, Shayna raised her hand and asked, "Can I go over to Billy's desk and talk to him to make sure he's okay?" And gosh darn it, she did.

• Initiation: It was kind of a natural progression from the concern she showed for me, and the whole thing kind of grew out of that. I can't remember who asked who out, but the whole thing started from her.
  
• Duration: A couple months? I remember telling her I had a crush on Barbara in Ms. Baker's science class, which was still eighth grade, so I'm going to go with about three months, give or take.
  
• Quality: Pretty good, all things considered. Looking back, I'd say we clicked on certain things, and didn't really on other things, but more so positive than negative.
  
• How: She started things off when she came over and checked on me, and moved the whole thing along, until I torpedoed it all to hell. I'm pretty good at that. Told her I had written Barbara a secret-admirer letter, and that was pretty much that.
  
• Now: Friendly all the way through high school, but I haven't talked to her since. We're friends on MySpace, but haven't actually had any communication since. Good stuff.
  

She started things off, and they went well, until I ended them in my own special way. Inconclusive so far.

Barbara

So I developed a crush on Barbara, and pursued it. We went out for a while. I want to say sometime in April until band camp in the summer of our freshman year. Yeah, that sounds about right - her birthday was in late April, and I went to that as her boyfriend (or whatever), and I remember Josh giving me her break-up note after practice one day in summer band.

• Initiation: I asked her out after telling her I liked her. Nothing from anybody else.
  
• Duration: A few months. Five?
  
• Quality: Meh. We wrote letters back and forth almost every day, and went on a few outings - mainly movies, that I can remember. The Saint, Empire Strikes Back (I think), and Volcano spring to mind.
  
• How: We wrote letters back and forth all the time, so she broke up with me via letter - gave it to Josh to give to me after he was sure she'd left. In it, she said that I was "Immature" and two other things I don't really remember. She later (several years later) told me that she actually felt smothered. Fair enough.
  
• Now: We eventually started talking again later in high school after she spent most of freshmen year ignoring me (actively), except when her and Terri needed help in Biology, since Dufas was really, really bizarre and I was one of the few people who was able to figure out just what the hell he was trying to teach us on any given day. Spent some time with her via David a year or more ago, but nothing recent.
  

So this one is kinda like Chelsea - I started the whole thing, no third party help and nothing from her, and it was... well, lukewarm, for lack of a better word, and it ended with almost no warning.

Mary

Not going to go through the whole thing with Mary, since it lasted... three weeks, if that? I'll just mention that she asked me out within two weeks of school starting, we went on one date, and then she broke up with me. Fun stuff.

Crystal

Almost the exact same pattern as above. Hmm...

Kenni

Ah, Kenni. These were the good old days. Now that I think about it, I'm probably going to drop the structed list format and just kind of ramble. I met her at a pool party when Kristina asked if she could bring her little sister, which she did. Didn't think much of it at the time, 'til school started. Kenni was a freshman; I was a junior. Every morning, she'd come find me and give me a big hug and wish me a good day. Didn't matter where I was - in the cafetaria, chess club, or doing random tutoring in an equally random classroom - every morning, a good-morning hug. I eventually realized that that might be a sign, talked to Kristina about it briefly, asked her mom for permission, then went for it. Great relatiionship - we hung out a lot, enjoyed each other's company, gave each other our first kiss after the Homecoming Dance... good memories. It ended rather abruptly, because of a third party, it had nothing to do with either of us. So yeah, fairly successful, overall, and she started it.

Mindy

I'll try to keep this one brief. Crystal introduced us, since she thought we'd be good for each other, and Mindy wanted an older boyfriend. We hit it off very well right from the start, and had a long (at least by my standards - a year and a half) rollar-coaster relationship. We broke up and got back together eight times, and were a *bunch* of firsts for each other. Finally ended when I started going to UT. Fairly successful overall, and Crystal started it for us.

Suzie

She im'ed me one evening about what a jackalope was, and when we finally started hanging out, she dropped a ton of hints - we were sitting in her bed, and she had me start brushing her hair, a few others, until she finally takes me to this empty beach at like three am, and we had a moonlight stroll with the tide gently lapping at our ankles. I kissed her, she kissed me back, and we launched a four month relationship that lasted until I broke up with her on February 1st.

Lilie

Credit for this one goes to Kristen and Allison, who seriously tried to hook us up, and talked too much about it, respectively. The thought crossed my mind a few times during the relationship if it would have happened without their actions. Meh. Another fairly successful relationship brought about by other people's actions.

Sara

We only went on one date, but this was one that I pursued unilaterally, without second or third party assistance. Bombed when she found out I was an atheist, and told me she wouldn't be comfortable dating someone outside her religion.

Terri

Sort of skipped her, but I threw out any pretense of order a while back, and I'm approaching stream-of-consciousness writing here. We have a longer history than Mindy and I, and most likely just as tangled. It's really hard to say anything about this one in this context, though I remember one evneing at the Alkek library when she was definitely pushing hard to the hoop.

I guess the idea I'm trying to explore is that by far, my successful relationships have been those that were initiated by or came to fruitation through the acions of someone else, even the girl in question - Lilie, Mindy, Kenni, Suzie; whereas those that I initiated completely on my own - Barbara, Heather, Sara - tended to be lukewarm, go nowhere, and end relatively quickly or never even start. Now, it's not a definite rule - look at Crystal and Mary for very good counter-examples. However, as a general hypothesis, it does seem to fit most of the current evidence fairly well. Now, as to why, I have no idea. Granted, there's probably more of a confidence boost when there's definite signals coming in, and the fear of rejection is much, much less. That, and there's several layers of filtering already done, so any early flags that might have been thrown have already been cleared. However, I've never liked depending on other people to carry important messages for me - I'd rather do it myself.

I came to this realization almost a month ago during some reminiscing. I think it scares me, because as I grow more and more socially isolated, the chances of having that third party assistance - which, for the record, I've never solicited - declines rather steadily, not to say anything of the likelihood of second party signals.

I don't think much of this post makes sense, but I'm going to go with it anyway.


All Saints -- Never Ever

My tear ducts are so completely drained right now

Yeah, that didn't work so well. Went to create a new character... and didn't. I just don't feel like going through all the early stuff again (I can hear Lilie yelling at me at this point "Then why the hell did you delete your characters?"), especially since the environment will be so isolated now. This may be a momentary lapse, or a sign of major burn-out or paradigm shift.

We'll see.

So... let's do a relationship recap. Those are always fun. I'm in tears anyway; dredging up a bunch of old memories and mucking about in the pain of the past seems like the perfect way to spend the next four three hours.

So, without further ado...

Chelsea

Ah, the first one, the one that started it all. We met in fifth grade (?). I think. I know we were in the same group of classes in fifth grade - Mrs. Hirsch, Mrs. Jimenez, and Mrs... Barragon? They sort of rotated around, so Hirsch did Social Studies, Barragon did Math, and Jimenez did Science. No, wait. Jimenez was sixth grade science. Crap. Anyway. There were five of us that they just didn't know what to do with - me, Chelsea, Roland, Stacy, and Melanie. They put us in this little 'enrichment group' and had us do projects and stuff during class, since we were all bored with normal classwork anyway. The one I really remember is we did a 'game show' for the rest of the class. I don't really remember the parameters, but I do remember the five of us sitting outside the classroom, talking about polar bears and penguins and their co-existence. We finally did the game show; I was the announcer; Mel and Roland were the hosts, and Stacy and Chelsea (both were fairly shy in that grade) were the judges. We had two little things that came from a Happy Meal or something; theyw were like little air-buttons, attached to a car, and when you hit the button, the car went foward. That's what we used to have them indicate that they were ringing in to answer the question. It was over Christmas vacation that year (that may be starting a little early... but I've always been a very emotional person) that I thought I liked her. Didn't say anything that year, of course.

Next year, at Lamar/Hernandez, I met David and Michael, amongst others. David's been a very influential person in my life - he's introduced me to a lot of things, including Weird Al, Star Wars, WoW, computers... the list goes on. Anyway. That was also when I made the shift from a very quiet, shy person to a loud extrovert. I want to say we had the same homeroom (Chelsea and I). I know John Brown and I did, 'cause we often played chess during homeroom. I know we had English and Social Studies together (due to specific memories), so I know we were in the same block. But I can't remember if we had homeroom together. So one Friday, I told Michael and David that I liked Chelsea. They both laughed. That should have been my first warning.

So eventually, the entire school knew. I don't know who told who, and this much later, I don't really care. I just remember that *everyone* knew, and they teased her a lot about it. They teased me too, but I've never cared about being teased. Stopped caring... in first grade? Something like that. Anyway. I've never been 'cool' or 'popular'. I've never quite been an 'outcast', either, though. So, I couldn't bring myself to talk to her at all. I was just so devastated that she was being put through all of this because of me. I don't think I've ever really dealt with that fact. I think I still carry around a lot of guilt for that. Maybe. Anyway.

So I didn't really talk to her all year. I went to decent lengths to avoid her, in fact. At one point, they were experiementing with how we sat at lunch. (This may have been fifth grade. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think it was fifth grade.) Anyway, they had the boys sitting on one side, and the girls on the other. I remember the day I was sitting across from her. Couldn't meet her eyes at all. Isolated little anecdote.

So, yeah, didn't really talk to her all year during sixth grade. I mean, I'm sure we talked once or twice, but nothing of any substance. We were in Horizons together (despite my abbreviated attempt to quit over them forcing me to do a speech in front of the class). I do have a few specific memories of that year. We took a Social Studies test in Mrs... can't remember her name, though I can picture her - 's class. We were allowed to leave as soon as we were done. I was done first, as usual, and left. Apparently, after I left, someone yelled out "Billy loves Chelsea". And yes, she was in the room as well. The teacher didn't really say anything. Also... oh wait, this was fifth grade - we did a play called "Travis in TAAS Land"; I was the bathroom monitor. I lip-synched a remix of "I am the captain of the Pinefor" and got wrapped in toilet paper. Roland, Chelsea, and... Mel (?) were the three sidekicks (this was basically a parody of Alice in Wonderland). Anyway. Near the end of the year, Chris Carrasco - he played trombone, and we hung out a few times - found Stacy's address book. He had a crush on her, so it was fortunate. In any case, I gave him two dollars, and he gave me Chelsea's address out of it. From there, I got her phone number as well.

After the school year ended, right at the beginning of the summer, I wrote her this letter, about how sorry I was about what had happened that year, and everyone teasing her, and I would understand if she hated me forever. The thing I remember is writing "PS. I do like you." Figured she might as well know. So, the summer went on. Sorta forgot about the letter. Near the end of the summer, a letter came, addressed to me. It was in a pink envelope, postmarked Austin, and had a question mark in the return address. We thought it was from my cousin Felicia, but that didn't make that much sense. Of course, she was the only girl in Austin I knew (we'd later find out how stupid I was). So, I open it up, and it says the following:

Dear Billy, I don't think you need to apologize. It's not your fault people do things like that. It's not your fault. I'm very sorry I took so long to write back. I hope we have some classes together next year. -Chelsea PS I could never hate you. PPS I like you too.

To this day, the meaning of that last 'like' is still up in the air. Though, of course, almost ten years later, it's a bit of a moot point.

Anyway. So, seventh grade. That and part of eighth grade are kind of a blur, and I have trouble differentiating between the two, and sorting out what happened when. I do know that we wrote each other three more times, and that my half of the correspondence was quite possibility the stupidest things ever written (I swear that part of one of them was talking about how "Run, Forrest, Run" was stolen from Star Wars: Episode IV. Yeah. I *really* didn't know what to say back then. Still don't, but I'm slowly making progress.) I'll just go with the assorted and sporadic memories I do have.

Valentine's Day, '96. The PALS club was doing this rose thing where for $1.50 (or 12 for a dozen), you could send a rose to someone, and they'd give it to them during last period on Valentine's Day. I worked out a deal with mom where I'd fold all the laundry on the couch (and it was *full*), and she'd give me the twelve dollars. I spent a few hours doing so - watched the Stanley Cup while I was at it - and did it. Lauren Wyatt said she had this huge smile when she got into her car. As for myself, I got two that day. One was actually from Chelsea (From: Chelsea Williams; Have a Happy Valentines Day. Sorry I haven't written. ?) The "?" is actually written on the card; and one was from Michael, Donny, and them, trying to screw with me. The first hint is that they misspelled her name. Though, and I don't know if I've ever noticed this before, Chelsea spelled my last name "Martian." That's just cute.

There was a dance that night. I don't know if I went. Wait.. no, I didn't. Because in her next letter, she wrote:

Dear Billy, I'm really sorry that I haven't written in so long. I'm a terrible pen pal. I have absolutely no discipline. By the way, I never got a chance to thank you for the roses. They're beautiful. It made me feel wonderful. I tried to dry them out, but I guess I did it wrong, because they fell apart. I wish you had come to the dance. I didn't have a partner for the slow dances, so I danced with an invisible person (no, I'm not kidding.) Do you know that Josh asked Rebecca Caudle to the movies. I wouldn't normally write about something like this, but Rebecca's a friend of mine and her mother wants her going on group dates. So Rebecca wants couples so Josh doesn't have to go with a bunch of girls. She wants me to ask you to go along. Would you like to? I don't know what movie they're going to, but I'd really enjoy going with you. Write back soon. Chelsea.

Looking at the postmarks of the envelopes, that would have been the last letter she wrote me, in eighth grade. No, seventh. Anyway. We went to see Sgt. Bilko. I remember a lot of that very well. She was wearing a yellow dress. Josh and I were standing there, talking, while she was standing in front of one of the pillars. I kind of peeked my head around the pillar and asked her if she already had a ticket, and she told me that yes, she did. (Josh was telling me I was supposed to buy hers.) This was back in Cinema 5. It was on the... left side, where there were three screens. She had a Dr Pepper, and I had a Sprite. I spent probably half the movie trying to figure out if I should hold her hand. I never did, for the record - I started not making moves early on.

There were two other letters between the first and last one.

Dear Billy, Hi! It's great to hear from you again. With all this school stuff I never get to talk to you. My report cards pretty good, although I need to bring my grade a few points up in Horizons. As far as my electives, I was in drama, but the class was cut, I'm not sure why. Anyway I was snatched up by art, which also explains the lunch thing. If you like riddles here's one for you. 'I'm just two and two. I am hot, I am cold. I am the parent of numbers that cannot be told. I am gift beyond measure, a matter of course. I am given by pleasure, when taken by force. What am I?' [For the record, I didn't have to look at the letter to type that. I still know it by heart.] I got it out of a horror book. By the way, I do love chess, but I'm not very good at it. May the force be with you too Well gotta go Chelsea Williams PS Sorry, I'll send you a picture soon. I was absent the day of pictures. As soon as I get one I'll send it to you. PPS Thank you for the compliment. You're a really cool guy.

It took me forever to get the riddle. She gave me two clues - it's four letters, and it starts with 'k'. Of course, the answer is kiss. Again, any meaning in there is debatable, but I still lean towards 'no'.

This next one was the conclusion of some drama. Jennifer Hunt told me that Chelsea didn't like me and wanted me to fade out of her life, and I wrote her a letter telling her that I would. I also felt really bad about something Mat did - don't remember what.

Dear Billy, What are you talking about?! I never said anything like that. I don't want you to fade out of my life. Jennifer is not my friend. Not really. My best friend Lauren told me what had happened, she's in your class. I got really mad at Jennifer. I don't blame you for what happened with Mat or Rat Boy. You're probably going to hear a lot of rumors. Please remember that most of them aren't true. I really like you and don't want you to fade out of my life. fade in would be better. How are you doing in school? I'm doing pretty well. I have another riddle for you - What is: 'The beginning of eternity the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, the end of every race?' Bye, Chelsea L Williams.

Of course, that riddle is a lot easier.

So, we did go to the end-of-year dance together. Didn't slow dance, though.

Any memories after that lose all coherence or chronology. I remember during... sixth grade (?) we had a talent show thing, and she got up and sang 'El Shaddai' acapella (?). I couldn't look at her the whole time. Eighth grade, after we were apart, she sang 'Lemon Tree' and accompanied herself on the acoustic guitar. We went on after her and did 'Since You've Been Gone' by Weird Al (David and I). We went to the skating rink.... twice? I broke up with her for some reason in seventh grade, and we got back together like a week later. I called her a total of four times; once, was from Jarrod's - he started attacking me with a spatula, and I fought back with one; once, I called her from my house while Jarrod was over and Mom was gone; we were watching Transformers: The Movie; I don't really remember the other two times. She called and broke up with me some time during eighth grade. I was devastated.

This leads us to:

Shayna

Shayna was... really short. Had freckles, long black hair, dark eyes. Her mom was an english teacher at the high school (had her for a year and a half). This was... probably a week after we broke up. We were in Gamez (Alg. I)'s class, and we were working on some homework. I had already finished, and had my head down on my desk. Shayna raises her hand, and asked, "Can I go see if Billy is okay?" The whole class was like, "Whoo!" But she did, and talked to me, and... things went from there. We talked on the phone a lot. I don't know if she liked me from the start, or was just being friendly and I grew on her, but either way, we started going out. I know we went to the eighth grade Valentine's Day dance together; I'm having trouble remembering what else. I figure we probably went to a few movies, since that's really all there is to do in this town. I do remember that she gave me this old-fashoined key, which represented "the key to her heart". Yeah, I know. My response? Put it on some fishing twine and wear it as a pendant for the duration of our relationship. Yeah, I know. Shayna was a very touchy-feely girl, which was new for me. We were always holding hands, or had our feet together. So... um, how did that one end? Oh, crap, that's right. Totally my fault. I um... sort of had this crush on Barbara? And wrote her a letter to that end - didn't identify myself by name. Shayna found out, though. So that ended that. I have no excuse... other than, well, it was eighth grade. Not much of one, I know.

Barbara

So we ended up going out. Not a whole lot to tell. Went to her birthday party, we saw The Saint starring Val Kilmer and Volcano. Oh crap! We also went and saw Galaxy Quest... which I'm watching right now. Strange times. Those are the things I remember off the top of my head. She was a very quiet, very reserved girl, which was quite a change after Shayna. (Of course, none of that applies now. She's... grown up, I think, would be the best way to put it.)

Um... we were dating for about five months or so. We went to Project PASS together, which was this weird thing between eighth and ninth grade where they helped orient us to high school. It lasted... a week? She pushed me to complete the typing section and get credit for an entire course. That was... nice of her. Fun, too. I have a lot of sporadic memories of her. We went to Academic Pentathlon together. I took the Math category by a substantial margin. Jennifer Hunt, Barbara and I rode together while the rest of the group rode in the van. I remember that was my first exposure to pop music. Before that, I mainly just listened to Weird Al. On that trip, I heard 'Lovefool' by the Cardigans, 'Stay' by Lisa Loeb, and... one other song I can't remember. Yeah, that was a fun trip. We shared a pint of ice cream on the way home... I'm pretty sure I still have the spoon. We were a prolific letter-writing couple, often a few a day. Lemme think... That's all I'm coming up with.

Anyway, so summer band camp started. I remember the day very well. It was about a week or two into it. It was the end of evening rehearsal. I was sitting near the trombone cubbies, putting up my trombone. This was back when the trombone cubbies were across from the door. Josh and Anna came up to me; Josh was holding a note. He handed it to me. He mentioned something like "Don't read it 'til I'm gone, I don't want to get hurt. I'm just the messenger." I hate it when people foreshadow things in the *immediate* future like that. So it wasn't any surprise when I opened up the note and it was her breaking up with me. Something about me being "obnoxious, irratating, and immature." I would later find out that she meant "smothering." 'Cause, yeah, they mean about the same thing. She wouldn't talk to me for the rest of Freshmen year, except when she needed help in biology ('cause our teacher was bizarre, and most of the class had no hope of understanding anything he meant. I carried Josh, Terri, and Barbara through the course.)

Mary

So, yeah. Dumped right before high school started. Fair enough. Within two weeks, though, I heard through the channels (from Shayna, oddly enough) that there was this girl that wanted to ask me out or something. Her name was Mary, and she was a sophomore. After some initial confusion, we hooked up. Red hair, freckles, nice body. She called me once while I was helping Mom carry in groceries. We talked about stuff - she was also taking German, and demonstrated how well she knew the German alphabet. She also gave me a tape with "How Do I Live Without You?" by LeAnn Rimes and "Fly" by Sugar Ray. We went on one date, to a movie. Some chick flick. Sporadicly, thoughout the movie, she turned towards me. I'd note this through my periphial vision and turn to her and see what was up. She'd say 'nothing' and resume watching the movie. Everyone I've ever told this story to has told me that she was basically screaming at me to kiss her. Good to know. She broke up with me within a week. Total time for us? Two weeks or so. I still hung out with her group during lunch a lot, though. I talked to her not too long ago, too. More on that later.

Crap, looks like it's almost time to go to work. I'll get to the later ones - Terri, Kenni, Crystal, Mindy, Nikki, Suzie, and yes, even Lilie later. I might even mention some of the incidental ones - Zara, Sara, and Heather. Hell, I might even bring Dru, Leslie, Melissa, and a few others into the fold. Fun times. I should do this more often.

Chelsea Williams
Shayna Schiflett
Barbara Deichmann
Mary Alls
Terri Ann Mahan
Kendall "Kenni" Galpin
Crystal Todd
Mindy Lynn Hoch
Nicole "Nikki" Bachle
Suzannah "Suzie" Donaldson


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Dru Dabelgott
Melissa Pickett
Katie Wilkinson


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Mom still isn't home. It's 3 am now. She should be home. I mean, she's a big girl, she can take care of herself. But she left almost 9 hours ago, and we haven't heard from her at all. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stay up. Janelle went to sleep probably an hour or so ago. Seriously, why does she have a cell phone if she doesn't take it with her for times like this? We can't call her, and she hasn't called us since she left. She did stop in briefly around 5:30 or 6 when I was vacuuming and moping the house; she said she was going to the grocery store. She might have gone to do some last minute Christmas shopping, but Janelle and I thought she had finished that. I just wish she would have called.

There's not much I can do about Mom. However, there is something I can do about Suzie, who I also care about a geat deal.

She's going to be in town tomorrow and Thursday; we're going to hang out tomorrow for a while. I'm going to take her by Rose's house so they can meet. I think they'll get along great, personally, and Rose really wants to meet Suzie. I also turned in my schedule request for next week - Wednesday through Sunday. I hope to leave then, and come back Saturday with Suzie, and spend the whole time with her, in her arms. And in her, if she gets her way ;)

Which brings me to my topic for this evening. When I first started going out with Suzie, I used the phrase "I may have bitten off more than I can chew" several times, and she kept asking me what I meant. Well, I think this is it. We're quite different, but I think it's very evident in the realm of sex. Different expectations, different timelines, different experience, etc. I'm not saying it's a bad thing - differences bring variety and interest into a relationship, and you compliment each other. But this is really staring to show. She's in Galveston for Winter holiday, so we've been talking on the phone a lot. During one conversation, she made several comments about being sexually frustrated, complained about a lack of sex (well, that was through Jonathan on IM, but it was earlier in the day), and.. yeah. During the bowling party, she tried to convince Freddie take my shfit Monday night, and told him that she really needed to get laid, and wanted me to come down there so she could pounce on me (or something to that effect). While we were talking tonight, we actually talked about sex and her horniness at great length. She was talking about her birth control shot, and its effect on her - apparently, it makes her more emotional, tender, and, well, horny. To paraphrase her, it makes her as horny as a "normal" guy (which I fall quite short of, apparently - which I guess is good, because I never wanted to be seen as normal). She made a comment about wishing I had a perverted side - which I do. It was an... interesting conversation. She then had me playing some weird - but fun - game with her, which I believe was an attempt to engage in, well, phone sex, I think. I don't know why I'm so hesitant. I mean, I kinda do - I realized the other night at work that I still see myself as a little kid, even though I'm 21 and a junior in college. That's one of the reasons I'm hesitant to do things like take even a sip of alcohol, even on my birthday, buy beer for other people, and have sex. The Mindy factor can't be discounted, of course. But I love Suzie.

Wow, I said it. Well, I need to say it to her. But yeah.

I WILL NOT lose Suzie for the same reason I lost Mary and Crystal (I mean, overall, I'm better off by far losing those two two weeks and a month into our relationships, respectively, but the circumstances are similiar enough to warrant the comparison). It's such a weird situation. We'll see what happens later today when I pick her up in Wimberley. We might just hang out there and watch a movie or something; although I hope to go by Rose's house as well.

4:18 am, and still no Mom. I'm really tired, and need to get up in the morning to mow, but WHERE IS SHE?