Never ever have I ever felt so low

So Jess asked me today how things are going with Ambra, and Felicia and I touched on that topic when she called about getting some stuff for the Steak Fanatic pizza, since she was about to run out and the office decided at the last minute to prolong the period of time in which we're offering the disgusting abomination. Yeah.

In both cases, I didn't really have an answer. Well, I did, kinda. The answer I had was that there wasn't anything to be going. I think that's my fault, as I haven't really pursued anything yet, mainly due to our schedules. Well, that, and I don't think I'm in an emotional state to even consider seeing someone else, when I can't seem to get past the last person I saw. I don't think it would be fair, the whole thing just sort of screams 'rebound' to me. So every time the oppurtunity arises, I passively let it go. Which got me to thinking about whether or not I should even try. I mean, first off, I'm not over Lilie, not by a long shot. Her stopping by work today and talking was enough to send me to the walk-in, crying, after she left, which was fun. Yeah. But something occurred to me about my relationship history the other day. Generally speaking, if the past is any indicator, this (Ambra) would end up being a disaster, or not ending well, or something like that, for the simple reason that someone else didn't do the hard part already.

That sounds a little weird, so I'm going to go dredging about in my past, a favorite pasttime of mine, and categorize my relationships by some new standards and see what patterns emerge. It should be fun.

Chelsea

Ah, yes, the one that started it all. Now, to be fair, you can't really even call this one a relationship. I mean, holy crap, we were kids. To be fair, yeah, a lot of kids are pursuing relationships - or some twisted version of it - this young, but I sure as hell didn't know what was going on.

• Initiation: Completely by myself. No help, nothing from her.
  
• Duration: A year, from the beginning to the end, but there's a lot of holes in the middle.
  
• Quality: Terrible. As I said, I had no frickin' clue what the hell was going on. My connection to reality has always been tenuous at best, and it was particularly weak concerning the fairer sex when I was younger (not to imply, by contrast, that it's any better now.)
  
• How: She finally realized that the entire thing was a terrible idea, had nothing to do with reality, and ended it. I appluad her for the action.
  
• Now: We never really talked before hand - I was too nervous - and not much after - I was too embarrassed. So, yeah.
  

Overall, a complete disaster. And it was all me. Isolated incident, or ignored foretelling? We'll see.

Shayna

I moped around a lot after Chelsea dumped me; one day, in Gamez's Algebra I class, Shayna raised her hand and asked, "Can I go over to Billy's desk and talk to him to make sure he's okay?" And gosh darn it, she did.

• Initiation: It was kind of a natural progression from the concern she showed for me, and the whole thing kind of grew out of that. I can't remember who asked who out, but the whole thing started from her.
  
• Duration: A couple months? I remember telling her I had a crush on Barbara in Ms. Baker's science class, which was still eighth grade, so I'm going to go with about three months, give or take.
  
• Quality: Pretty good, all things considered. Looking back, I'd say we clicked on certain things, and didn't really on other things, but more so positive than negative.
  
• How: She started things off when she came over and checked on me, and moved the whole thing along, until I torpedoed it all to hell. I'm pretty good at that. Told her I had written Barbara a secret-admirer letter, and that was pretty much that.
  
• Now: Friendly all the way through high school, but I haven't talked to her since. We're friends on MySpace, but haven't actually had any communication since. Good stuff.
  

She started things off, and they went well, until I ended them in my own special way. Inconclusive so far.

Barbara

So I developed a crush on Barbara, and pursued it. We went out for a while. I want to say sometime in April until band camp in the summer of our freshman year. Yeah, that sounds about right - her birthday was in late April, and I went to that as her boyfriend (or whatever), and I remember Josh giving me her break-up note after practice one day in summer band.

• Initiation: I asked her out after telling her I liked her. Nothing from anybody else.
  
• Duration: A few months. Five?
  
• Quality: Meh. We wrote letters back and forth almost every day, and went on a few outings - mainly movies, that I can remember. The Saint, Empire Strikes Back (I think), and Volcano spring to mind.
  
• How: We wrote letters back and forth all the time, so she broke up with me via letter - gave it to Josh to give to me after he was sure she'd left. In it, she said that I was "Immature" and two other things I don't really remember. She later (several years later) told me that she actually felt smothered. Fair enough.
  
• Now: We eventually started talking again later in high school after she spent most of freshmen year ignoring me (actively), except when her and Terri needed help in Biology, since Dufas was really, really bizarre and I was one of the few people who was able to figure out just what the hell he was trying to teach us on any given day. Spent some time with her via David a year or more ago, but nothing recent.
  

So this one is kinda like Chelsea - I started the whole thing, no third party help and nothing from her, and it was... well, lukewarm, for lack of a better word, and it ended with almost no warning.

Mary

Not going to go through the whole thing with Mary, since it lasted... three weeks, if that? I'll just mention that she asked me out within two weeks of school starting, we went on one date, and then she broke up with me. Fun stuff.

Crystal

Almost the exact same pattern as above. Hmm...

Kenni

Ah, Kenni. These were the good old days. Now that I think about it, I'm probably going to drop the structed list format and just kind of ramble. I met her at a pool party when Kristina asked if she could bring her little sister, which she did. Didn't think much of it at the time, 'til school started. Kenni was a freshman; I was a junior. Every morning, she'd come find me and give me a big hug and wish me a good day. Didn't matter where I was - in the cafetaria, chess club, or doing random tutoring in an equally random classroom - every morning, a good-morning hug. I eventually realized that that might be a sign, talked to Kristina about it briefly, asked her mom for permission, then went for it. Great relatiionship - we hung out a lot, enjoyed each other's company, gave each other our first kiss after the Homecoming Dance... good memories. It ended rather abruptly, because of a third party, it had nothing to do with either of us. So yeah, fairly successful, overall, and she started it.

Mindy

I'll try to keep this one brief. Crystal introduced us, since she thought we'd be good for each other, and Mindy wanted an older boyfriend. We hit it off very well right from the start, and had a long (at least by my standards - a year and a half) rollar-coaster relationship. We broke up and got back together eight times, and were a *bunch* of firsts for each other. Finally ended when I started going to UT. Fairly successful overall, and Crystal started it for us.

Suzie

She im'ed me one evening about what a jackalope was, and when we finally started hanging out, she dropped a ton of hints - we were sitting in her bed, and she had me start brushing her hair, a few others, until she finally takes me to this empty beach at like three am, and we had a moonlight stroll with the tide gently lapping at our ankles. I kissed her, she kissed me back, and we launched a four month relationship that lasted until I broke up with her on February 1st.

Lilie

Credit for this one goes to Kristen and Allison, who seriously tried to hook us up, and talked too much about it, respectively. The thought crossed my mind a few times during the relationship if it would have happened without their actions. Meh. Another fairly successful relationship brought about by other people's actions.

Sara

We only went on one date, but this was one that I pursued unilaterally, without second or third party assistance. Bombed when she found out I was an atheist, and told me she wouldn't be comfortable dating someone outside her religion.

Terri

Sort of skipped her, but I threw out any pretense of order a while back, and I'm approaching stream-of-consciousness writing here. We have a longer history than Mindy and I, and most likely just as tangled. It's really hard to say anything about this one in this context, though I remember one evneing at the Alkek library when she was definitely pushing hard to the hoop.

I guess the idea I'm trying to explore is that by far, my successful relationships have been those that were initiated by or came to fruitation through the acions of someone else, even the girl in question - Lilie, Mindy, Kenni, Suzie; whereas those that I initiated completely on my own - Barbara, Heather, Sara - tended to be lukewarm, go nowhere, and end relatively quickly or never even start. Now, it's not a definite rule - look at Crystal and Mary for very good counter-examples. However, as a general hypothesis, it does seem to fit most of the current evidence fairly well. Now, as to why, I have no idea. Granted, there's probably more of a confidence boost when there's definite signals coming in, and the fear of rejection is much, much less. That, and there's several layers of filtering already done, so any early flags that might have been thrown have already been cleared. However, I've never liked depending on other people to carry important messages for me - I'd rather do it myself.

I came to this realization almost a month ago during some reminiscing. I think it scares me, because as I grow more and more socially isolated, the chances of having that third party assistance - which, for the record, I've never solicited - declines rather steadily, not to say anything of the likelihood of second party signals.

I don't think much of this post makes sense, but I'm going to go with it anyway.


All Saints -- Never Ever

Stay very close to the floor

It appears the reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. I'm here. hale, and hearty. Well, at least two of those. Two and a half, on a good day.

So, updates. Let's start with social first.

Haha, but seriously. Let's see... Rose moved out. Well, not completely. She's still got various sundries scatted 'bout the base, but for the most part, she's gone. It's a little weird, but I'm re-adjusting to a previous state, not getting used to a new one, so it's back to how it was before she got here. Well, except for one glaring omission. Other than that, though... yeah. Still almost completely cut off from any sort of social contact with anyone. That's a little unfair, since it's mostly my fault. I mean, it's unfair for me to say that, since it sounds like I'm blaming the situation, when I acknowledge that it's mostly my fault. But this is my place to whine, even if it's just about the consequences of my own decisions and actions. So deal with it.

Anyway. Finally talked to Jarrod yesterday. The wedding's been postponed, indefinitely. They're still together and all, but... yeah. That's kinda scary. I was (and still am) really hoping things work for him. That's been about it, really. Well, I could post some stuff about Lilie, and I still might, but not just yet.

So, work. That's fun. Been closing 4/5 times a week, and they're thinking (very seriously) about giving me my own store. That'd be cool, 'cept I'd have to move to San Antonio. Which doesn't really present me with a problem - it's not like there's anything holding me here anymore. Well, a few things. First, I love this city, second, I've spent my entire life here, and third and most importantly, I have a lease that doesn't expire for another six months. Though, if I can find someone to replace me here, that gets along well with David, I'll do it in a heartbeat. Other than that, work's been fairly routine. Turns out Sara (one of the new managers) is a lesbian, which is a shame, 'cause she's really, really cute. The way it came up was somewhat humorous, too. I was training her on closing. She was text messaging back and forth with her bed buddy, and asks me how much longer we have, so she knows whether or not to tell her to just go to sleep and not wait up for her. I (jokingly) act hurt and make some comment about her rather spending time with the bed buddy, and she says something along the lines of "Don't be offended, it's just that you have a penis, and I'm just not into that. Besides, if I *did* want that, I could just go buy it at a store." I was speechless for a little bit. Really caught me off guard. And she came by the store tonight in somewhat more casual wear than I'm used to seeing her in (Domino's uniform). Oh, and Ambra. Should talk a little about her. And how I've never actually been the initiator of things. But we'll get to that later, I guess. The horde's pissing me off, so I'm going to go find something to eat. Or something.

Utada Hikaru -- Tippy Toe

Arby's Rocks!!

So we went and played D&D last night. It went alright, kinda weird. The party's starting to piece together various campaign arcs, and listening to their various theories as they learn new information is interesting. But the highlight of the evening? While waiting for Jarrod, we went to Arby's to get something to eat. The girl standing at the counter was *so cute*!! Dude, oh my god.

She had this long red hair that was in a ponytail, freckles across her face, gorgeous eyes that were fairly big with a beautiful expression, an awesome voice, the whole package. She was about... 5'6"? I'm not very good at guessing height. I didn't talk to her or anything, and we left. The guys, Michael especially, and Matt to a lesser degree, were giving me an incessant hard time about not talking to her. But seriously - I'm just a customer at her store. The *last* thing she wants is for a customer to come and talk to her - I've worked at Sonic for almost four years, and I've talked to the carhops about this kind of thing. There's no way to pull it off successfully, unless you're really hot (which I'm not) and the girl is interested (which she isn't).

Ended up winning that game of B5 with Bruce yesterday. That was pretty cool. Work time.

Well, I found it.

How did the date go? It went pretty darn well. We met at 11:00 am, in the courtyard outside the Union. It was originally for lunch, but then we realized it was 11. We went inside - she got some coffee from the Bistro - and we sat and talked. She gave me number and directions to her place. I was supposed to pick her up at 5, we'd go from there. We talked... about all kinds of things. It was really great. I haven't just sat and talked with anyone, much less a really pretty girl, in, well, before Mindy. That puts it a solid three years or so. And this came at such a good time, too... Then, we went to Italian class. No one had done their work (that's an unfair generalization, but it's close enough). The teacher was sort of yelling at us, but she doesn't really yell. It was... humorous. I went home, and promptly fell asleep for like forty-five minutes. Then I took a shower, got all cleaned up, cleaned out my truck, and gave it a quick wipe-down (yeah, that's right). Left around 3:30... stopped by work to grab a lemon-lime slush ('cause those taste *great* right after brushing your teeth...), get some last-minute advice from Devon and Sunny... Stopped by HEB and got our tickets - traffic was pretty bad, so I was delayed in picking her up, didn't get there until 5:15. It was funny - I called her on when I was almost to campus, to let her know what was up, and I had to say "Okay, bye." like really quick, and hang up. I felt really bad, and I explained what had happened when I got there. I was near this light, and it was yellow, but I was going to go through it, but this guy like jumps out right in front of me, so I had to brake pretty hard, and then stop for the light, which had turned red during my delay. I couldn't do it on the phone, which was why I had to do that. Picked her up - she looked *so* pretty - she had her hair down, for once - and we just drove. We went, um, north on Guadalupe - it turned into Lamar, then into a highway or something, then back into Lamar. About the time I realized we were near Cedar Park, we turned around. The whole time, we were just talking. About stuff. She likes foriegn films, among other things. She makes me feel so uncultured, but in a good way (that makes no sense, even when I read it). Well, we made it to the arena, drove past it and back, then went in. I had to run back to the truck to get the tickets - I could tell the DDR had been helping. Well, we went in, and sat in the wrong seats. Instead of being near the front, we were *at* the front. My shoulder was literally against the plexiglass (or whatever) surrounding the Ice Bat's bench. The game was a lot of fun. We won, 4 - 1. There were some fights... there was this old lady sitting in the (only) row in front of us, and they kept slamming the glass right in front of her. After the game, i took her home. When we got to her dorm - well, as close as I could get in my truck - she turns to me, touches my right arm, and tells me she had a great time. Then she left.

Man, it was fun. So, I wrote her this email the next morning - feeling all gutsy as I was - and told her yeah, I had a great time too - glad she did - and that I really like her and if she'd like to do something again.

*Sigh...*

"Dear William,
Hey! I'm a little confused about what you're asking me. I just wanted to say that I would love to hang out as friends again. If I misunderstood your intentions and you were asking me out on a date, then I would have to say no because I really don't feel comfortable dating someone who does not share my religious beliefs. I think you're a really sweet person, and I would like to still be friends with you. If you weren't asking me out then completely disregard the last two sentences,
Sara"

Man... oh well..

There's not really much I can do about this one. There's some interesting pros and cons on this one. Well, let's look at the pros, so we can get that out of the way and go wallow in self-pity for a little while, then get back to my fun, exciting life. Hmm... well, I didn't pull any of my classic screw-ups - coming on too strong, not coming on, being totally oblivous to any and all signs thrown my way - the old favorites. I was basically out of this one before it began. I've talked to a few people, and there's not really a consensus. Rudy feels that this is probably just a "smoke-screen," and that she's probably just not interested, and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. From a self-esteem point of view, this is a really easy one to believe. But I think that really discredits Sara. She seems so sincere. I mean, I trust her enough that if that wasn't why, she wouldn't have said that it was. I've had a great deal of advice on this, for whatever reasons. But, as usual, I'm going to ignore all that experience garnered at the cost of pain, and heartbreak, and learn them for myself. Where do I go from here? Well, I'm not sure. The debate that's taking center stage right now is the possibility of a respone email. I've heard a lot of no's on that one. I'm still leaning towards yes, though. I *really* want to be friends with her, and she deserves at least some clarification. 'Cause yeah, I was asking her out on a date. Yeah, I wanted to "go out" with her. I'm not sure if that should be in the past tense... well, it needs to be. I'm going to try to remain friends.... although, I've learned from past experience that when you meet a girl, and try to jump to dating without establishing a deep friendship first, if you don't make it, that going to friends is rather difficult. But I almost feel like that's doing her a disservice - undermining her, or something. The more I think about it, the more I lean towards a reply email. Something like, yeah, I was asking you out, but I understand what you're saying....and I'd totally like to hang out as friends. Except that sounds really dorky. Hmm... well, I don't think there's much I can do about that. I'll keep you informed.

Man, one week later... what's been going on? Well...

I did it. I asked Sara out. Sort of. I said, "Vorreste uscire fuori qualche volta?" This translates as "Would you like to go out with me sometime?" She was like, "Where?" Well, we didn't know. Next day, we found out we both like hockey, so we're going to a hockey game in approximately nineteen hours. I'm *really* nervous. We've been talking on AOL a lot - she lives in Austin, so in person or over the phone aren't that practical. I'm really nervous... I mean, I really like her. Like, for real. And she's responding rather well. I don't quite know if she knows I like like her, but it's a start. And when you ask someone out, then tell them you think they're nice and pretty and smart and interesting (which she most definitely is), well, that's a hint that even I can pick up on. We've been talking a lot - she likes stand up, and snl, and letterman (hates Leno), Dana Carvey, opera/broadway music, other music, and other stuff.. I'm typing too fast to get it all down, so I'll come back to that one. She's got really pretty blond hair - not like bleached, "Hey, look at me - I'm blonde!" type hair, but more of a subdued, "I have really pretty blonde hair, but it doesn't scream for attention". But my fav part? Her eyes. They're *so* blue. I've only been fortunate enough to look into them twice, but whoa. It's like getting an electrical shock while having freezing cold water poured on you, and being in complete free-fall. I just realized that it's the 31^st - if things go well enough, I might have a date for Valentine's Day. That would rock. But I'm not gonna count on it, or even think about that right now. I'm going to work to avoid screwing this up in any of the ways I've screwed up things before; that's right - I'm going to have to find an entirely new way to screw this one up. :)