So, it's been a while since I've had a substantial update, especially now that I've moved my blog and no one knows its new location - I told Lilie I deleted it. As I've previously stated, work's not nearly as interesting, so there's another thing to not blog about. That, and the spare time gives me a lot of opportunities to work out issues I usually just purge by placing them here.
That being said...
First topic: New Year's.
Yeah, almost a month and a half late on this one. Whatever. Nothing special about this New Year's - spent it working, as usual. Of course, with my new hours, I was in at 10 pm, and didn't leave until early morning - 7ish? I don't recall anything being noteworthy about the shift in and of itself. I think the worst New Year's in recent memory was the year I was working at Sonic and hadn't had any sleep for like the two day before New Year's, so I told Mom I was going to sleep, and NOT to wake me up. Of course, she did. I remember being in tears, I just wanted to sleep so bad. So yeah.
Burning Crusade recently launched (another reason I haven't been updating very often). Frankly, I love it. Outlands is AWESOME, and the first batch of quests make sure your gear is sufficient to handle the new challenges being thrown at you. You get new ranks of abilities every level, instead of only on even levels, and most classes get new abilities every even level - those that don't received a new ability at a lower level. Warriors, for example, don't get a new ability at 66, because they receive a passive ability much earlier now that allows them to retain 10 rage while switching stances (Stance Mastery is now a 3 point 1st tier Prot talent that lets you retain 5/10/15 rage, giving you the same benefit with 3 talent points). I've got Femaledwarf to 66, Gnometastic to 62, and rolled a draenei shaman, Serialcrushr, that's 12, and a draenei huntress that's 10 - Simplecomplx (in both cases, I have to omit the final 'e' for space). Actually had like five days off in a row immediately after the launch, which was awesome - was able to keep pace, and at times, get ahead of, everyone else.
The actual launch was kinda funny. It was at the beginning of the ice storm. We were releasing it at midnight, just like everyone else. I had been saying that there was going to be a big crowd, but nobody believed me - Matt was like "Yeah, Billy thinks the entire world is going to be here." I was right. Kinda. They were originally just going to roll the pdq out and let us have at it, but the size of the crowd and the decision to go 1 per customer led to them setting up a register - manned by Manuel, no less - to sell them. I got to leave for break a few minutes early, got over there to get in line. I was... something like fortieth in line. It was kind of scary. I knew they had 55 copies, but there was a huge clump, so it was hard to get an accurate count. Conner walked by a few times and yelled "NERD!". I thought it was pretty funny, given that he HAS THE AUTOBOT LOGO TATOOED ON HIS NECK. That, and he's desperate for a Wii. At one point, I was just downstacking a palette, and he was all "So what? You got your game now, and now you're all happy?" I was like, "Um... yeah?" Later, it was "So, what's the first thing you're going to do when you get home?" "Um, install BC?" "Haha, yeah, that's what I thought. Nerd!" As though I had waited in line for it, then wasn't going to install it? I countered by asking him what he was going to do when he got home with the Wii - get it working? "No, because I have to get an RCA converter first." Nice evasion.
More later.
Southside Hunters - Right Before My Eyes
Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts
2007-02-09
2005-05-28
Just talked to Terri; she's not going to be coming down next weekend. Had some major car problems and an issue at her job, so she's looking for a new job, is going to be moving back in with her parents for a while, and saving up to get her car fixed.
So that really sucks. That was one of the main things keeping this weekend from being a total debacle.
"One of"? Hell, scratch that. That was the *only* thing keeping me from being in tears all last night. Tonight's going to be fun.
And by "fun", I mean "not fun".
So that really sucks. That was one of the main things keeping this weekend from being a total debacle.
"One of"? Hell, scratch that. That was the *only* thing keeping me from being in tears all last night. Tonight's going to be fun.
And by "fun", I mean "not fun".
2005-05-27
2005-04-21
The way I wish you would
Work was bad tonight. More on that later. If I ever get around to posting that mega-update I always talk about, that is. It's coming one day. I mean, *bad*. If I was the kind of person who drank, I'd wake up tomorrow morning in someone's bathtub with no recollection of anything that happened after 12:30 am.
In other news, I'm making progress. Sort of. I almost didn't cry tonight. Which is good. It's progress I have to make, but that I certianly don't want to make. However, that decision was made a long time ago, was completely beyond my control, and hopefully, one day, I hope I truly understand all the reasons why. Of course, I highly doubt that I ever will.
Damn.
In other news, I'm making progress. Sort of. I almost didn't cry tonight. Which is good. It's progress I have to make, but that I certianly don't want to make. However, that decision was made a long time ago, was completely beyond my control, and hopefully, one day, I hope I truly understand all the reasons why. Of course, I highly doubt that I ever will.
Damn.
2005-02-22
My tear ducts are so completely drained right now
Yeah, that didn't work so well. Went to create a new character... and didn't. I just don't feel like going through all the early stuff again (I can hear Lilie yelling at me at this point "Then why the hell did you delete your characters?"), especially since the environment will be so isolated now. This may be a momentary lapse, or a sign of major burn-out or paradigm shift.
We'll see.
So... let's do a relationship recap. Those are always fun. I'm in tears anyway; dredging up a bunch of old memories and mucking about in the pain of the past seems like the perfect way to spend the next four three hours.
So, without further ado...
Ah, the first one, the one that started it all. We met in fifth grade (?). I think. I know we were in the same group of classes in fifth grade - Mrs. Hirsch, Mrs. Jimenez, and Mrs... Barragon? They sort of rotated around, so Hirsch did Social Studies, Barragon did Math, and Jimenez did Science. No, wait. Jimenez was sixth grade science. Crap. Anyway. There were five of us that they just didn't know what to do with - me, Chelsea, Roland, Stacy, and Melanie. They put us in this little 'enrichment group' and had us do projects and stuff during class, since we were all bored with normal classwork anyway. The one I really remember is we did a 'game show' for the rest of the class. I don't really remember the parameters, but I do remember the five of us sitting outside the classroom, talking about polar bears and penguins and their co-existence. We finally did the game show; I was the announcer; Mel and Roland were the hosts, and Stacy and Chelsea (both were fairly shy in that grade) were the judges. We had two little things that came from a Happy Meal or something; theyw were like little air-buttons, attached to a car, and when you hit the button, the car went foward. That's what we used to have them indicate that they were ringing in to answer the question. It was over Christmas vacation that year (that may be starting a little early... but I've always been a very emotional person) that I thought I liked her. Didn't say anything that year, of course.
Next year, at Lamar/Hernandez, I met David and Michael, amongst others. David's been a very influential person in my life - he's introduced me to a lot of things, including Weird Al, Star Wars, WoW, computers... the list goes on. Anyway. That was also when I made the shift from a very quiet, shy person to a loud extrovert. I want to say we had the same homeroom (Chelsea and I). I know John Brown and I did, 'cause we often played chess during homeroom. I know we had English and Social Studies together (due to specific memories), so I know we were in the same block. But I can't remember if we had homeroom together. So one Friday, I told Michael and David that I liked Chelsea. They both laughed. That should have been my first warning.
So eventually, the entire school knew. I don't know who told who, and this much later, I don't really care. I just remember that *everyone* knew, and they teased her a lot about it. They teased me too, but I've never cared about being teased. Stopped caring... in first grade? Something like that. Anyway. I've never been 'cool' or 'popular'. I've never quite been an 'outcast', either, though. So, I couldn't bring myself to talk to her at all. I was just so devastated that she was being put through all of this because of me. I don't think I've ever really dealt with that fact. I think I still carry around a lot of guilt for that. Maybe. Anyway.
So I didn't really talk to her all year. I went to decent lengths to avoid her, in fact. At one point, they were experiementing with how we sat at lunch. (This may have been fifth grade. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think it was fifth grade.) Anyway, they had the boys sitting on one side, and the girls on the other. I remember the day I was sitting across from her. Couldn't meet her eyes at all. Isolated little anecdote.
So, yeah, didn't really talk to her all year during sixth grade. I mean, I'm sure we talked once or twice, but nothing of any substance. We were in Horizons together (despite my abbreviated attempt to quit over them forcing me to do a speech in front of the class). I do have a few specific memories of that year. We took a Social Studies test in Mrs... can't remember her name, though I can picture her - 's class. We were allowed to leave as soon as we were done. I was done first, as usual, and left. Apparently, after I left, someone yelled out "Billy loves Chelsea". And yes, she was in the room as well. The teacher didn't really say anything. Also... oh wait, this was fifth grade - we did a play called "Travis in TAAS Land"; I was the bathroom monitor. I lip-synched a remix of "I am the captain of the Pinefor" and got wrapped in toilet paper. Roland, Chelsea, and... Mel (?) were the three sidekicks (this was basically a parody of Alice in Wonderland). Anyway. Near the end of the year, Chris Carrasco - he played trombone, and we hung out a few times - found Stacy's address book. He had a crush on her, so it was fortunate. In any case, I gave him two dollars, and he gave me Chelsea's address out of it. From there, I got her phone number as well.
After the school year ended, right at the beginning of the summer, I wrote her this letter, about how sorry I was about what had happened that year, and everyone teasing her, and I would understand if she hated me forever. The thing I remember is writing "PS. I do like you." Figured she might as well know. So, the summer went on. Sorta forgot about the letter. Near the end of the summer, a letter came, addressed to me. It was in a pink envelope, postmarked Austin, and had a question mark in the return address. We thought it was from my cousin Felicia, but that didn't make that much sense. Of course, she was the only girl in Austin I knew (we'd later find out how stupid I was). So, I open it up, and it says the following:
To this day, the meaning of that last 'like' is still up in the air. Though, of course, almost ten years later, it's a bit of a moot point.
Anyway. So, seventh grade. That and part of eighth grade are kind of a blur, and I have trouble differentiating between the two, and sorting out what happened when. I do know that we wrote each other three more times, and that my half of the correspondence was quite possibility the stupidest things ever written (I swear that part of one of them was talking about how "Run, Forrest, Run" was stolen from Star Wars: Episode IV. Yeah. I *really* didn't know what to say back then. Still don't, but I'm slowly making progress.) I'll just go with the assorted and sporadic memories I do have.
Valentine's Day, '96. The PALS club was doing this rose thing where for $1.50 (or 12 for a dozen), you could send a rose to someone, and they'd give it to them during last period on Valentine's Day. I worked out a deal with mom where I'd fold all the laundry on the couch (and it was *full*), and she'd give me the twelve dollars. I spent a few hours doing so - watched the Stanley Cup while I was at it - and did it. Lauren Wyatt said she had this huge smile when she got into her car. As for myself, I got two that day. One was actually from Chelsea (From: Chelsea Williams; Have a Happy Valentines Day. Sorry I haven't written. ?) The "?" is actually written on the card; and one was from Michael, Donny, and them, trying to screw with me. The first hint is that they misspelled her name. Though, and I don't know if I've ever noticed this before, Chelsea spelled my last name "Martian." That's just cute.
There was a dance that night. I don't know if I went. Wait.. no, I didn't. Because in her next letter, she wrote:
Looking at the postmarks of the envelopes, that would have been the last letter she wrote me, in eighth grade. No, seventh. Anyway. We went to see Sgt. Bilko. I remember a lot of that very well. She was wearing a yellow dress. Josh and I were standing there, talking, while she was standing in front of one of the pillars. I kind of peeked my head around the pillar and asked her if she already had a ticket, and she told me that yes, she did. (Josh was telling me I was supposed to buy hers.) This was back in Cinema 5. It was on the... left side, where there were three screens. She had a Dr Pepper, and I had a Sprite. I spent probably half the movie trying to figure out if I should hold her hand. I never did, for the record - I started not making moves early on.
There were two other letters between the first and last one.
It took me forever to get the riddle. She gave me two clues - it's four letters, and it starts with 'k'. Of course, the answer is kiss. Again, any meaning in there is debatable, but I still lean towards 'no'.
This next one was the conclusion of some drama. Jennifer Hunt told me that Chelsea didn't like me and wanted me to fade out of her life, and I wrote her a letter telling her that I would. I also felt really bad about something Mat did - don't remember what.
Of course, that riddle is a lot easier.
So, we did go to the end-of-year dance together. Didn't slow dance, though.
Any memories after that lose all coherence or chronology. I remember during... sixth grade (?) we had a talent show thing, and she got up and sang 'El Shaddai' acapella (?). I couldn't look at her the whole time. Eighth grade, after we were apart, she sang 'Lemon Tree' and accompanied herself on the acoustic guitar. We went on after her and did 'Since You've Been Gone' by Weird Al (David and I). We went to the skating rink.... twice? I broke up with her for some reason in seventh grade, and we got back together like a week later. I called her a total of four times; once, was from Jarrod's - he started attacking me with a spatula, and I fought back with one; once, I called her from my house while Jarrod was over and Mom was gone; we were watching Transformers: The Movie; I don't really remember the other two times. She called and broke up with me some time during eighth grade. I was devastated.
This leads us to:
Shayna was... really short. Had freckles, long black hair, dark eyes. Her mom was an english teacher at the high school (had her for a year and a half). This was... probably a week after we broke up. We were in Gamez (Alg. I)'s class, and we were working on some homework. I had already finished, and had my head down on my desk. Shayna raises her hand, and asked, "Can I go see if Billy is okay?" The whole class was like, "Whoo!" But she did, and talked to me, and... things went from there. We talked on the phone a lot. I don't know if she liked me from the start, or was just being friendly and I grew on her, but either way, we started going out. I know we went to the eighth grade Valentine's Day dance together; I'm having trouble remembering what else. I figure we probably went to a few movies, since that's really all there is to do in this town. I do remember that she gave me this old-fashoined key, which represented "the key to her heart". Yeah, I know. My response? Put it on some fishing twine and wear it as a pendant for the duration of our relationship. Yeah, I know. Shayna was a very touchy-feely girl, which was new for me. We were always holding hands, or had our feet together. So... um, how did that one end? Oh, crap, that's right. Totally my fault. I um... sort of had this crush on Barbara? And wrote her a letter to that end - didn't identify myself by name. Shayna found out, though. So that ended that. I have no excuse... other than, well, it was eighth grade. Not much of one, I know.
So we ended up going out. Not a whole lot to tell. Went to her birthday party, we saw The Saint starring Val Kilmer and Volcano. Oh crap! We also went and saw Galaxy Quest... which I'm watching right now. Strange times. Those are the things I remember off the top of my head. She was a very quiet, very reserved girl, which was quite a change after Shayna. (Of course, none of that applies now. She's... grown up, I think, would be the best way to put it.)
Um... we were dating for about five months or so. We went to Project PASS together, which was this weird thing between eighth and ninth grade where they helped orient us to high school. It lasted... a week? She pushed me to complete the typing section and get credit for an entire course. That was... nice of her. Fun, too. I have a lot of sporadic memories of her. We went to Academic Pentathlon together. I took the Math category by a substantial margin. Jennifer Hunt, Barbara and I rode together while the rest of the group rode in the van. I remember that was my first exposure to pop music. Before that, I mainly just listened to Weird Al. On that trip, I heard 'Lovefool' by the Cardigans, 'Stay' by Lisa Loeb, and... one other song I can't remember. Yeah, that was a fun trip. We shared a pint of ice cream on the way home... I'm pretty sure I still have the spoon. We were a prolific letter-writing couple, often a few a day. Lemme think... That's all I'm coming up with.
Anyway, so summer band camp started. I remember the day very well. It was about a week or two into it. It was the end of evening rehearsal. I was sitting near the trombone cubbies, putting up my trombone. This was back when the trombone cubbies were across from the door. Josh and Anna came up to me; Josh was holding a note. He handed it to me. He mentioned something like "Don't read it 'til I'm gone, I don't want to get hurt. I'm just the messenger." I hate it when people foreshadow things in the *immediate* future like that. So it wasn't any surprise when I opened up the note and it was her breaking up with me. Something about me being "obnoxious, irratating, and immature." I would later find out that she meant "smothering." 'Cause, yeah, they mean about the same thing. She wouldn't talk to me for the rest of Freshmen year, except when she needed help in biology ('cause our teacher was bizarre, and most of the class had no hope of understanding anything he meant. I carried Josh, Terri, and Barbara through the course.)
So, yeah. Dumped right before high school started. Fair enough. Within two weeks, though, I heard through the channels (from Shayna, oddly enough) that there was this girl that wanted to ask me out or something. Her name was Mary, and she was a sophomore. After some initial confusion, we hooked up. Red hair, freckles, nice body. She called me once while I was helping Mom carry in groceries. We talked about stuff - she was also taking German, and demonstrated how well she knew the German alphabet. She also gave me a tape with "How Do I Live Without You?" by LeAnn Rimes and "Fly" by Sugar Ray. We went on one date, to a movie. Some chick flick. Sporadicly, thoughout the movie, she turned towards me. I'd note this through my periphial vision and turn to her and see what was up. She'd say 'nothing' and resume watching the movie. Everyone I've ever told this story to has told me that she was basically screaming at me to kiss her. Good to know. She broke up with me within a week. Total time for us? Two weeks or so. I still hung out with her group during lunch a lot, though. I talked to her not too long ago, too. More on that later.
Crap, looks like it's almost time to go to work. I'll get to the later ones - Terri, Kenni, Crystal, Mindy, Nikki, Suzie, and yes, even Lilie later. I might even mention some of the incidental ones - Zara, Sara, and Heather. Hell, I might even bring Dru, Leslie, Melissa, and a few others into the fold. Fun times. I should do this more often.
We'll see.
So... let's do a relationship recap. Those are always fun. I'm in tears anyway; dredging up a bunch of old memories and mucking about in the pain of the past seems like the perfect way to spend the next four three hours.
So, without further ado...
Chelsea
Ah, the first one, the one that started it all. We met in fifth grade (?). I think. I know we were in the same group of classes in fifth grade - Mrs. Hirsch, Mrs. Jimenez, and Mrs... Barragon? They sort of rotated around, so Hirsch did Social Studies, Barragon did Math, and Jimenez did Science. No, wait. Jimenez was sixth grade science. Crap. Anyway. There were five of us that they just didn't know what to do with - me, Chelsea, Roland, Stacy, and Melanie. They put us in this little 'enrichment group' and had us do projects and stuff during class, since we were all bored with normal classwork anyway. The one I really remember is we did a 'game show' for the rest of the class. I don't really remember the parameters, but I do remember the five of us sitting outside the classroom, talking about polar bears and penguins and their co-existence. We finally did the game show; I was the announcer; Mel and Roland were the hosts, and Stacy and Chelsea (both were fairly shy in that grade) were the judges. We had two little things that came from a Happy Meal or something; theyw were like little air-buttons, attached to a car, and when you hit the button, the car went foward. That's what we used to have them indicate that they were ringing in to answer the question. It was over Christmas vacation that year (that may be starting a little early... but I've always been a very emotional person) that I thought I liked her. Didn't say anything that year, of course.
Next year, at Lamar/Hernandez, I met David and Michael, amongst others. David's been a very influential person in my life - he's introduced me to a lot of things, including Weird Al, Star Wars, WoW, computers... the list goes on. Anyway. That was also when I made the shift from a very quiet, shy person to a loud extrovert. I want to say we had the same homeroom (Chelsea and I). I know John Brown and I did, 'cause we often played chess during homeroom. I know we had English and Social Studies together (due to specific memories), so I know we were in the same block. But I can't remember if we had homeroom together. So one Friday, I told Michael and David that I liked Chelsea. They both laughed. That should have been my first warning.
So eventually, the entire school knew. I don't know who told who, and this much later, I don't really care. I just remember that *everyone* knew, and they teased her a lot about it. They teased me too, but I've never cared about being teased. Stopped caring... in first grade? Something like that. Anyway. I've never been 'cool' or 'popular'. I've never quite been an 'outcast', either, though. So, I couldn't bring myself to talk to her at all. I was just so devastated that she was being put through all of this because of me. I don't think I've ever really dealt with that fact. I think I still carry around a lot of guilt for that. Maybe. Anyway.
So I didn't really talk to her all year. I went to decent lengths to avoid her, in fact. At one point, they were experiementing with how we sat at lunch. (This may have been fifth grade. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think it was fifth grade.) Anyway, they had the boys sitting on one side, and the girls on the other. I remember the day I was sitting across from her. Couldn't meet her eyes at all. Isolated little anecdote.
So, yeah, didn't really talk to her all year during sixth grade. I mean, I'm sure we talked once or twice, but nothing of any substance. We were in Horizons together (despite my abbreviated attempt to quit over them forcing me to do a speech in front of the class). I do have a few specific memories of that year. We took a Social Studies test in Mrs... can't remember her name, though I can picture her - 's class. We were allowed to leave as soon as we were done. I was done first, as usual, and left. Apparently, after I left, someone yelled out "Billy loves Chelsea". And yes, she was in the room as well. The teacher didn't really say anything. Also... oh wait, this was fifth grade - we did a play called "Travis in TAAS Land"; I was the bathroom monitor. I lip-synched a remix of "I am the captain of the Pinefor" and got wrapped in toilet paper. Roland, Chelsea, and... Mel (?) were the three sidekicks (this was basically a parody of Alice in Wonderland). Anyway. Near the end of the year, Chris Carrasco - he played trombone, and we hung out a few times - found Stacy's address book. He had a crush on her, so it was fortunate. In any case, I gave him two dollars, and he gave me Chelsea's address out of it. From there, I got her phone number as well.
After the school year ended, right at the beginning of the summer, I wrote her this letter, about how sorry I was about what had happened that year, and everyone teasing her, and I would understand if she hated me forever. The thing I remember is writing "PS. I do like you." Figured she might as well know. So, the summer went on. Sorta forgot about the letter. Near the end of the summer, a letter came, addressed to me. It was in a pink envelope, postmarked Austin, and had a question mark in the return address. We thought it was from my cousin Felicia, but that didn't make that much sense. Of course, she was the only girl in Austin I knew (we'd later find out how stupid I was). So, I open it up, and it says the following:
Dear Billy, |
To this day, the meaning of that last 'like' is still up in the air. Though, of course, almost ten years later, it's a bit of a moot point.
Anyway. So, seventh grade. That and part of eighth grade are kind of a blur, and I have trouble differentiating between the two, and sorting out what happened when. I do know that we wrote each other three more times, and that my half of the correspondence was quite possibility the stupidest things ever written (I swear that part of one of them was talking about how "Run, Forrest, Run" was stolen from Star Wars: Episode IV. Yeah. I *really* didn't know what to say back then. Still don't, but I'm slowly making progress.) I'll just go with the assorted and sporadic memories I do have.
Valentine's Day, '96. The PALS club was doing this rose thing where for $1.50 (or 12 for a dozen), you could send a rose to someone, and they'd give it to them during last period on Valentine's Day. I worked out a deal with mom where I'd fold all the laundry on the couch (and it was *full*), and she'd give me the twelve dollars. I spent a few hours doing so - watched the Stanley Cup while I was at it - and did it. Lauren Wyatt said she had this huge smile when she got into her car. As for myself, I got two that day. One was actually from Chelsea (From: Chelsea Williams; Have a Happy Valentines Day. Sorry I haven't written. ?) The "?" is actually written on the card; and one was from Michael, Donny, and them, trying to screw with me. The first hint is that they misspelled her name. Though, and I don't know if I've ever noticed this before, Chelsea spelled my last name "Martian." That's just cute.
There was a dance that night. I don't know if I went. Wait.. no, I didn't. Because in her next letter, she wrote:
| Dear Billy, I'm really sorry that I haven't written in so long. I'm a terrible pen pal. I have absolutely no discipline. By the way, I never got a chance to thank you for the roses. They're beautiful. It made me feel wonderful. I tried to dry them out, but I guess I did it wrong, because they fell apart. I wish you had come to the dance. I didn't have a partner for the slow dances, so I danced with an invisible person (no, I'm not kidding.) Do you know that Josh asked Rebecca Caudle to the movies. I wouldn't normally write about something like this, but Rebecca's a friend of mine and her mother wants her going on group dates. So Rebecca wants couples so Josh doesn't have to go with a bunch of girls. She wants me to ask you to go along. Would you like to? I don't know what movie they're going to, but I'd really enjoy going with you. Write back soon. Chelsea. |
Looking at the postmarks of the envelopes, that would have been the last letter she wrote me, in eighth grade. No, seventh. Anyway. We went to see Sgt. Bilko. I remember a lot of that very well. She was wearing a yellow dress. Josh and I were standing there, talking, while she was standing in front of one of the pillars. I kind of peeked my head around the pillar and asked her if she already had a ticket, and she told me that yes, she did. (Josh was telling me I was supposed to buy hers.) This was back in Cinema 5. It was on the... left side, where there were three screens. She had a Dr Pepper, and I had a Sprite. I spent probably half the movie trying to figure out if I should hold her hand. I never did, for the record - I started not making moves early on.
There were two other letters between the first and last one.
| Dear Billy, Hi! It's great to hear from you again. With all this school stuff I never get to talk to you. My report cards pretty good, although I need to bring my grade a few points up in Horizons. As far as my electives, I was in drama, but the class was cut, I'm not sure why. Anyway I was snatched up by art, which also explains the lunch thing. If you like riddles here's one for you. 'I'm just two and two. I am hot, I am cold. I am the parent of numbers that cannot be told. I am gift beyond measure, a matter of course. I am given by pleasure, when taken by force. What am I?' [For the record, I didn't have to look at the letter to type that. I still know it by heart.] I got it out of a horror book. By the way, I do love chess, but I'm not very good at it. May the force be with you too Well gotta go Chelsea Williams PS Sorry, I'll send you a picture soon. I was absent the day of pictures. As soon as I get one I'll send it to you. PPS Thank you for the compliment. You're a really cool guy. |
It took me forever to get the riddle. She gave me two clues - it's four letters, and it starts with 'k'. Of course, the answer is kiss. Again, any meaning in there is debatable, but I still lean towards 'no'.
This next one was the conclusion of some drama. Jennifer Hunt told me that Chelsea didn't like me and wanted me to fade out of her life, and I wrote her a letter telling her that I would. I also felt really bad about something Mat did - don't remember what.
| Dear Billy, What are you talking about?! I never said anything like that. I don't want you to fade out of my life. Jennifer is not my friend. Not really. My best friend Lauren told me what had happened, she's in your class. I got really mad at Jennifer. I don't blame you for what happened with Mat or Rat Boy. You're probably going to hear a lot of rumors. Please remember that most of them aren't true. I really like you and don't want you to fade out of my life. fade in would be better. How are you doing in school? I'm doing pretty well. I have another riddle for you - What is: 'The beginning of eternity the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, the end of every race?' Bye, Chelsea L Williams. |
Of course, that riddle is a lot easier.
So, we did go to the end-of-year dance together. Didn't slow dance, though.
Any memories after that lose all coherence or chronology. I remember during... sixth grade (?) we had a talent show thing, and she got up and sang 'El Shaddai' acapella (?). I couldn't look at her the whole time. Eighth grade, after we were apart, she sang 'Lemon Tree' and accompanied herself on the acoustic guitar. We went on after her and did 'Since You've Been Gone' by Weird Al (David and I). We went to the skating rink.... twice? I broke up with her for some reason in seventh grade, and we got back together like a week later. I called her a total of four times; once, was from Jarrod's - he started attacking me with a spatula, and I fought back with one; once, I called her from my house while Jarrod was over and Mom was gone; we were watching Transformers: The Movie; I don't really remember the other two times. She called and broke up with me some time during eighth grade. I was devastated.
This leads us to:
Shayna
Shayna was... really short. Had freckles, long black hair, dark eyes. Her mom was an english teacher at the high school (had her for a year and a half). This was... probably a week after we broke up. We were in Gamez (Alg. I)'s class, and we were working on some homework. I had already finished, and had my head down on my desk. Shayna raises her hand, and asked, "Can I go see if Billy is okay?" The whole class was like, "Whoo!" But she did, and talked to me, and... things went from there. We talked on the phone a lot. I don't know if she liked me from the start, or was just being friendly and I grew on her, but either way, we started going out. I know we went to the eighth grade Valentine's Day dance together; I'm having trouble remembering what else. I figure we probably went to a few movies, since that's really all there is to do in this town. I do remember that she gave me this old-fashoined key, which represented "the key to her heart". Yeah, I know. My response? Put it on some fishing twine and wear it as a pendant for the duration of our relationship. Yeah, I know. Shayna was a very touchy-feely girl, which was new for me. We were always holding hands, or had our feet together. So... um, how did that one end? Oh, crap, that's right. Totally my fault. I um... sort of had this crush on Barbara? And wrote her a letter to that end - didn't identify myself by name. Shayna found out, though. So that ended that. I have no excuse... other than, well, it was eighth grade. Not much of one, I know.
Barbara
So we ended up going out. Not a whole lot to tell. Went to her birthday party, we saw The Saint starring Val Kilmer and Volcano. Oh crap! We also went and saw Galaxy Quest... which I'm watching right now. Strange times. Those are the things I remember off the top of my head. She was a very quiet, very reserved girl, which was quite a change after Shayna. (Of course, none of that applies now. She's... grown up, I think, would be the best way to put it.)
Um... we were dating for about five months or so. We went to Project PASS together, which was this weird thing between eighth and ninth grade where they helped orient us to high school. It lasted... a week? She pushed me to complete the typing section and get credit for an entire course. That was... nice of her. Fun, too. I have a lot of sporadic memories of her. We went to Academic Pentathlon together. I took the Math category by a substantial margin. Jennifer Hunt, Barbara and I rode together while the rest of the group rode in the van. I remember that was my first exposure to pop music. Before that, I mainly just listened to Weird Al. On that trip, I heard 'Lovefool' by the Cardigans, 'Stay' by Lisa Loeb, and... one other song I can't remember. Yeah, that was a fun trip. We shared a pint of ice cream on the way home... I'm pretty sure I still have the spoon. We were a prolific letter-writing couple, often a few a day. Lemme think... That's all I'm coming up with.
Anyway, so summer band camp started. I remember the day very well. It was about a week or two into it. It was the end of evening rehearsal. I was sitting near the trombone cubbies, putting up my trombone. This was back when the trombone cubbies were across from the door. Josh and Anna came up to me; Josh was holding a note. He handed it to me. He mentioned something like "Don't read it 'til I'm gone, I don't want to get hurt. I'm just the messenger." I hate it when people foreshadow things in the *immediate* future like that. So it wasn't any surprise when I opened up the note and it was her breaking up with me. Something about me being "obnoxious, irratating, and immature." I would later find out that she meant "smothering." 'Cause, yeah, they mean about the same thing. She wouldn't talk to me for the rest of Freshmen year, except when she needed help in biology ('cause our teacher was bizarre, and most of the class had no hope of understanding anything he meant. I carried Josh, Terri, and Barbara through the course.)
Mary
So, yeah. Dumped right before high school started. Fair enough. Within two weeks, though, I heard through the channels (from Shayna, oddly enough) that there was this girl that wanted to ask me out or something. Her name was Mary, and she was a sophomore. After some initial confusion, we hooked up. Red hair, freckles, nice body. She called me once while I was helping Mom carry in groceries. We talked about stuff - she was also taking German, and demonstrated how well she knew the German alphabet. She also gave me a tape with "How Do I Live Without You?" by LeAnn Rimes and "Fly" by Sugar Ray. We went on one date, to a movie. Some chick flick. Sporadicly, thoughout the movie, she turned towards me. I'd note this through my periphial vision and turn to her and see what was up. She'd say 'nothing' and resume watching the movie. Everyone I've ever told this story to has told me that she was basically screaming at me to kiss her. Good to know. She broke up with me within a week. Total time for us? Two weeks or so. I still hung out with her group during lunch a lot, though. I talked to her not too long ago, too. More on that later.
Crap, looks like it's almost time to go to work. I'll get to the later ones - Terri, Kenni, Crystal, Mindy, Nikki, Suzie, and yes, even Lilie later. I might even mention some of the incidental ones - Zara, Sara, and Heather. Hell, I might even bring Dru, Leslie, Melissa, and a few others into the fold. Fun times. I should do this more often.
2005-02-21
Why can't I live forever? I don't know
So, I decided that I have to make a clean break. I'm not going to get over her when it's like almost nothing has changed. I started going through my computer last night after I got home from work. Deleted her links from my Favorites - both journals, her DeviantArt page, and just for good measure, Shelley's blog as well. Took her off my buddy list, and out of my cell phone. (Both of those are cosmetic only; I knew her home number and screen names by heart. It's not like it's something I've done on purpose. I mean, hell, I still remember Chelsea's phone number and address by heart. I only used her address once, and her phone number... four times?) Deleted the text version of her blog that was in E:\Holding Bin, then I went through E:\Holding Bin\Backgrounds, which is the directory that my random background program uses, and deleted all the pictures with her in them. I didn't remove the pictures from Camera Captures, because, well, I still want them, and I usually don't delete pictures. I also don't just go through there anyway. Then, I came to our Trillian log. (I was already crying pretty hard at this point.) And... I couldn't do it. I really couldn't. That was the first really irreplaceable thing. I mean, I know I have to, but I don't know if I can. We'll see. Logged on to WoW, and took all of her characters off of my friend list on all three characters, and even removed them from the little notepad I use. That's another change that doesn't really do that much, since I know them anyway. But at least I won't know when she's online and stuff.
But I'm scared.
More on that later.
But I'm scared.
More on that later.
2005-02-20
2005-02-07
When you look at me, tell me what you see
A'ight, so it took a little longer than I expected to get back to finishing this. You'll have to forgive me; I worked 3 - 1 (10 hours) yesterday, and 10:30 - 11:30 (13 hours) today. It didn't seem like nearly as long, but I was kinda lazy today. It was *really* slow, though, and I've stopped caring, so the crew doesn't seem to mind.
So. Friday night. Found her journal, found out she lied to me. She lied to me during that entire heartfelt conversation. I expected her response to be something along the lines of "But I didn't want to hurt you." That, of course, is complete bullshit. First, pain is a part of life. Most belief systems paint the afterlife as a place of complete bliss and paradise - in those cases, pain is a remainder we're alive. And for those of us that don't believe in the afterlife, well... denying pain is denying life. Second, when you put yourself out there, take a chance, you're going to get hurt. Another simple fact. But most importantly, that was the point of the entire conversation - that I'd prefer to find out first, and deal with it immediately, then have to find out later. Something like that. 'Cause now, not only do I have to deal with all the pain, but there's other things - uncertainty, for instance. I don't know if, if I hadn't found out, if she would have ever told me. Not that it's really any of my business, but it does have a bearing on our relationship. I have to deal with how stupid I feel, thinking everything was okay, when all the time, the world was laughing at me behind me back.
Fun times.
So, I didn't really feel like going to the Sonic party after that. Kristin called to make sure I was coming, and I told her that I wasn't planning on it. She got really upset - Kristin always seems so happy to see me come out to parties - and she put Bruce on the phone. I pretty much knew what he was going to say, but I let him say it anyway. Yep, Leslie was going to come by the party. Quick backstory: Leslie was a fountain/carhop when I started workingt there. I did, in fact, have a crush on her for a while (for those of you who are starting to think I seem to have crushes on a lot of people, all the time, or something like that, this was four years ago.) This was one of those that I knew would never come to fruitation - I'm not stupid. She eventually became a manager for a while, but she moved. We did hang out outside of work a few times - she went with me to see Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, among other things. Apparently, though, she was something of a slut. I'm *still* hearing about different guys at Sonic she hooked up with, or tried to, or something along those lines.
Anyway.
I hadn't seen her since she had left. So, I pretty much had to go at this point. Luckily, the tears hadn't set in yet. They would come, though.
I got there... saw Marny, who had definitely put on a few years. Leah was there too, along with the old favorites - Rudy, Ray, Freddie, Krisin, Allison, Erica (positioning herself to keep Marny and Rudy apart, since he's dating Allison now, who lives with Erica, except she's moving out to move back in with James, and I think they're getting back together, which is just messed up. Anyway.) I said hey to everybody, but wasn't very socialable. I basically just ended up sitting on the couch by myself, 'til Leslie got there. Kristin was a little drunk, so when I picked her up and hugged her, she tried to wrap her legs around me (didn't happen). Devon came in, which was a surprise. She's *so* tall. She was a giantess on skates - we opened together a few times, back before we did breakfast. Those were the days.
Anyway.
I didn't really mingle with anyone, for two reasons. First, I'm an outcast. Always have been, always will be. I don't fit in with groups, even when it's a group of friends. So, with this group of people I've worked with for years, I really don't belong. It's not anything to do with them - they're always more then welcoming and accepting, despite my proven... contrast. Second, my SaD was coming on really, really strong. Makes sense, given my current mental state. I almost left twice, before she even got there. Oh, and I almost asked for a drink, to get completely smashed for once, since I didn't really care at that point. Neither happened, though. But what did happen is that Leslie did *finally* show up. I got up, hugged her; we talked for about twenty seconds, and she went to say hi to everyone else. I left; it was about all I could take.
I would later find out from Bruce that Leslie was *not* happy. She went into the crowd, said hey to everyone, got a drink, and came back, hoping to talk to me, and I had left. Looking back, it would have been nice to have a chance to talk to her after so long. Of course, I don't think it would have gone very well. I would have ended up just crying on her shoulder for the majority of the conversation. At that point, though, I still hadn't broken down.
It happened on the way home. It really hit me, full force. I started crying like I hadn't cried in a long time. I didn't really relish the thought of going home and lying in my bed, so I called Rose to see if she had found something to do, or if the invitation was still good. I'm not entirely sure how she understood me, since I was fairly incoherent at that point. I don't really know what I said or anything, but I think she understood what was going on. Or rather, what I was asking, or something like that. She told me to go ahead and come up. I stopped by the house, grabbed my toothbrush, my carebear, and some shorts (I was still wearing my green pants, from going to the Sonic party), and drove up there. I balled my eyes out the whole way there. Not a pleasent experience. I just didn't really know how to react, how to deal with it. I mean, the lose, I could handle. But not that she didn't tell me, that she in fact told me the exact opposite, despite having a converation about that exact thing.
So, I got there. Rose had ordered pizza, and we had some pizza. Domino's, oddly enough. I spilled the whole story to her. Again, I don't know how comprehensible I was, though, as I was still crying. She seemed to follow, though. I hadn't seen Rose in a while. We talked for a few hours. That was when she told me that she thinks I might need professional help, and when she told me that my eyes are really pretty when they're all bloodshot from crying. I ended up crawling into her bed (I'd forgotten how comfortable it is) and crashing, while she stayed downstairs packing. She came up and woke me up Saturday morning 'bout 9:45. I came downstairs and saw that I had 2 missed calls from Sonic. I called up there; Adam answered. I asked him about the calls, he said "No, but I do know we're having a meeting right now." and hung up. I had totally forgotten, but even if I hadn't, I don't think it would have really changed anything.
Katie (Fink) stopped by. Another girl in this story I've had a crush on. This was... before they moved up there, so... nine months? Something like that. I think it was in late spring of last year, after we started hanging out together, before they moved up. Anyway. Turns out she married James Bluebird. She's now Katie Fink-Bluebird, which is just awesome. Also turns out not only do we have the same phone, but we use the same ringtone, and the same background! It was pretty cool. We loaded up the black vehicle and my truck with stuff, and drove on down to San Marcos and unloaded it into Rose's room. We also stopped by my house; apparently, Crystal and Mom were having a garage sale (didn't think to mention it to me, or anything). We all had some chips and queso; Rose showed off her tatoo. It was getting to be about 2 or 3 at this point, so we left. I took Rose by the Storage Place to get a unit, and dropped her off. There was one point that came up, though. Apparently, I thought she was getting a ride back up to Austin with Katie and James, but that they thought she was riding up with me.
Hmm...
I told her I could come get her after work and we could head up then. She decided to hang around town, so it worked. Work that night was... interesting. I didn't break down in tears in front of the crew, though I did have to go back to the bathroom twice or three times to compose myself. Picked up Rose after work, and we headed back up to Austin. This was when it started getting all cold and stuff.
Lilie called while Rose and I were driving to Austin. She told me that she had seen my blog, and was curious if I was okay, 'cause it sounded like I was mad or something. I told her that no, I was fine, just tired. She accepted that. Rose felt that I had to get her to tell me about what she had done, but I didn't think she would. So, I called her back about two minutes later. I said something along the lines of "Actually, no, everything's not okay. I don't like being lied to, so I'm not going to lie to you. I read your journal." Her response? "I don't have a journal." Priceless. "Yes, you do." "I haven't written in it in over a year." "Your blog." "How'd you find it?" Then I explained to her how I found it. She said something about not wanting to hurt me (how predictable), and that getting away was still the pervading reason for her trip. It was a really frustration conversation, because my truck is *not* quiet, and her reception was really bad, and she was talking quietly, so I kept having to ask her to repeat herself three and four times.
So that was fun. Rose and I finally got back to Austin; she was really tired, so we both just headed to bed. I hadn't slept with Rose in a long time, and it felt nice. We slept in fairly late, so we decided to finish it up Monday. The problem was that her lease expired at 6, so we would only have time for one load. Since we didn't have time for one Sunday, it would have to have everything. As big as my truck was, it wasn't going to work. I called David, and he said he'd be happy to come lend a hand. Major victory there. So I ended up throwing some stuff in my truck - two tables, three chairs, and the recliner, and took it down and dropped it off in the storage unit on my way to work. Work was... fun. There are five stages of loss - denial, barganing, anger, grief, and acceptance. I don't know the order. I've never had a problem with denial, and I don't really believe in bargaining, which leaves acceptance, grief, and anger. I did grief earlier, but I hit anger head on. I was really, really mad at her. I stayed mad at her for a while.
She didn't come online Sunday night, though she was on Y! briefly, but I didn't say anything. I didn't talk to her until Monday afternoon on WoW. She asked if I wanted to come over and talk, and I told her I'd be by later, after helping Rose move, and I'd have the DVD burner to let her borrow. So I drove up to Austin, and we finished getting Rose out of there. We didn't leave Austin until... 9 or so, though. Delays kept popping up. I felt so bad for David, since I had given him the impression that this would be a fairly minor undertaking, and it kept stretching on and on and on. But we finally got her moved out, down to San Marcos, and unloaded in her room. So after that, I went to Lilie's.
Went in, gave her the DVD burner; her phone rang, so I sat on the couch. She got off fairly quickly, and came over and sat next to me and put her head on my arm. I didn't really respond. She had said she wanted to talk, and it was going to have to start with her (it still does). I didn't really have anything to say.
A'ight, I just took a little nap, and it's 8 am, so I have to leave for class. I'll try later to finish this mighty epic.
So. Friday night. Found her journal, found out she lied to me. She lied to me during that entire heartfelt conversation. I expected her response to be something along the lines of "But I didn't want to hurt you." That, of course, is complete bullshit. First, pain is a part of life. Most belief systems paint the afterlife as a place of complete bliss and paradise - in those cases, pain is a remainder we're alive. And for those of us that don't believe in the afterlife, well... denying pain is denying life. Second, when you put yourself out there, take a chance, you're going to get hurt. Another simple fact. But most importantly, that was the point of the entire conversation - that I'd prefer to find out first, and deal with it immediately, then have to find out later. Something like that. 'Cause now, not only do I have to deal with all the pain, but there's other things - uncertainty, for instance. I don't know if, if I hadn't found out, if she would have ever told me. Not that it's really any of my business, but it does have a bearing on our relationship. I have to deal with how stupid I feel, thinking everything was okay, when all the time, the world was laughing at me behind me back.
Fun times.
So, I didn't really feel like going to the Sonic party after that. Kristin called to make sure I was coming, and I told her that I wasn't planning on it. She got really upset - Kristin always seems so happy to see me come out to parties - and she put Bruce on the phone. I pretty much knew what he was going to say, but I let him say it anyway. Yep, Leslie was going to come by the party. Quick backstory: Leslie was a fountain/carhop when I started workingt there. I did, in fact, have a crush on her for a while (for those of you who are starting to think I seem to have crushes on a lot of people, all the time, or something like that, this was four years ago.) This was one of those that I knew would never come to fruitation - I'm not stupid. She eventually became a manager for a while, but she moved. We did hang out outside of work a few times - she went with me to see Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, among other things. Apparently, though, she was something of a slut. I'm *still* hearing about different guys at Sonic she hooked up with, or tried to, or something along those lines.
Anyway.
I hadn't seen her since she had left. So, I pretty much had to go at this point. Luckily, the tears hadn't set in yet. They would come, though.
I got there... saw Marny, who had definitely put on a few years. Leah was there too, along with the old favorites - Rudy, Ray, Freddie, Krisin, Allison, Erica (positioning herself to keep Marny and Rudy apart, since he's dating Allison now, who lives with Erica, except she's moving out to move back in with James, and I think they're getting back together, which is just messed up. Anyway.) I said hey to everybody, but wasn't very socialable. I basically just ended up sitting on the couch by myself, 'til Leslie got there. Kristin was a little drunk, so when I picked her up and hugged her, she tried to wrap her legs around me (didn't happen). Devon came in, which was a surprise. She's *so* tall. She was a giantess on skates - we opened together a few times, back before we did breakfast. Those were the days.
Anyway.
I didn't really mingle with anyone, for two reasons. First, I'm an outcast. Always have been, always will be. I don't fit in with groups, even when it's a group of friends. So, with this group of people I've worked with for years, I really don't belong. It's not anything to do with them - they're always more then welcoming and accepting, despite my proven... contrast. Second, my SaD was coming on really, really strong. Makes sense, given my current mental state. I almost left twice, before she even got there. Oh, and I almost asked for a drink, to get completely smashed for once, since I didn't really care at that point. Neither happened, though. But what did happen is that Leslie did *finally* show up. I got up, hugged her; we talked for about twenty seconds, and she went to say hi to everyone else. I left; it was about all I could take.
I would later find out from Bruce that Leslie was *not* happy. She went into the crowd, said hey to everyone, got a drink, and came back, hoping to talk to me, and I had left. Looking back, it would have been nice to have a chance to talk to her after so long. Of course, I don't think it would have gone very well. I would have ended up just crying on her shoulder for the majority of the conversation. At that point, though, I still hadn't broken down.
It happened on the way home. It really hit me, full force. I started crying like I hadn't cried in a long time. I didn't really relish the thought of going home and lying in my bed, so I called Rose to see if she had found something to do, or if the invitation was still good. I'm not entirely sure how she understood me, since I was fairly incoherent at that point. I don't really know what I said or anything, but I think she understood what was going on. Or rather, what I was asking, or something like that. She told me to go ahead and come up. I stopped by the house, grabbed my toothbrush, my carebear, and some shorts (I was still wearing my green pants, from going to the Sonic party), and drove up there. I balled my eyes out the whole way there. Not a pleasent experience. I just didn't really know how to react, how to deal with it. I mean, the lose, I could handle. But not that she didn't tell me, that she in fact told me the exact opposite, despite having a converation about that exact thing.
So, I got there. Rose had ordered pizza, and we had some pizza. Domino's, oddly enough. I spilled the whole story to her. Again, I don't know how comprehensible I was, though, as I was still crying. She seemed to follow, though. I hadn't seen Rose in a while. We talked for a few hours. That was when she told me that she thinks I might need professional help, and when she told me that my eyes are really pretty when they're all bloodshot from crying. I ended up crawling into her bed (I'd forgotten how comfortable it is) and crashing, while she stayed downstairs packing. She came up and woke me up Saturday morning 'bout 9:45. I came downstairs and saw that I had 2 missed calls from Sonic. I called up there; Adam answered. I asked him about the calls, he said "No, but I do know we're having a meeting right now." and hung up. I had totally forgotten, but even if I hadn't, I don't think it would have really changed anything.
Katie (Fink) stopped by. Another girl in this story I've had a crush on. This was... before they moved up there, so... nine months? Something like that. I think it was in late spring of last year, after we started hanging out together, before they moved up. Anyway. Turns out she married James Bluebird. She's now Katie Fink-Bluebird, which is just awesome. Also turns out not only do we have the same phone, but we use the same ringtone, and the same background! It was pretty cool. We loaded up the black vehicle and my truck with stuff, and drove on down to San Marcos and unloaded it into Rose's room. We also stopped by my house; apparently, Crystal and Mom were having a garage sale (didn't think to mention it to me, or anything). We all had some chips and queso; Rose showed off her tatoo. It was getting to be about 2 or 3 at this point, so we left. I took Rose by the Storage Place to get a unit, and dropped her off. There was one point that came up, though. Apparently, I thought she was getting a ride back up to Austin with Katie and James, but that they thought she was riding up with me.
Hmm...
I told her I could come get her after work and we could head up then. She decided to hang around town, so it worked. Work that night was... interesting. I didn't break down in tears in front of the crew, though I did have to go back to the bathroom twice or three times to compose myself. Picked up Rose after work, and we headed back up to Austin. This was when it started getting all cold and stuff.
Lilie called while Rose and I were driving to Austin. She told me that she had seen my blog, and was curious if I was okay, 'cause it sounded like I was mad or something. I told her that no, I was fine, just tired. She accepted that. Rose felt that I had to get her to tell me about what she had done, but I didn't think she would. So, I called her back about two minutes later. I said something along the lines of "Actually, no, everything's not okay. I don't like being lied to, so I'm not going to lie to you. I read your journal." Her response? "I don't have a journal." Priceless. "Yes, you do." "I haven't written in it in over a year." "Your blog." "How'd you find it?" Then I explained to her how I found it. She said something about not wanting to hurt me (how predictable), and that getting away was still the pervading reason for her trip. It was a really frustration conversation, because my truck is *not* quiet, and her reception was really bad, and she was talking quietly, so I kept having to ask her to repeat herself three and four times.
So that was fun. Rose and I finally got back to Austin; she was really tired, so we both just headed to bed. I hadn't slept with Rose in a long time, and it felt nice. We slept in fairly late, so we decided to finish it up Monday. The problem was that her lease expired at 6, so we would only have time for one load. Since we didn't have time for one Sunday, it would have to have everything. As big as my truck was, it wasn't going to work. I called David, and he said he'd be happy to come lend a hand. Major victory there. So I ended up throwing some stuff in my truck - two tables, three chairs, and the recliner, and took it down and dropped it off in the storage unit on my way to work. Work was... fun. There are five stages of loss - denial, barganing, anger, grief, and acceptance. I don't know the order. I've never had a problem with denial, and I don't really believe in bargaining, which leaves acceptance, grief, and anger. I did grief earlier, but I hit anger head on. I was really, really mad at her. I stayed mad at her for a while.
She didn't come online Sunday night, though she was on Y! briefly, but I didn't say anything. I didn't talk to her until Monday afternoon on WoW. She asked if I wanted to come over and talk, and I told her I'd be by later, after helping Rose move, and I'd have the DVD burner to let her borrow. So I drove up to Austin, and we finished getting Rose out of there. We didn't leave Austin until... 9 or so, though. Delays kept popping up. I felt so bad for David, since I had given him the impression that this would be a fairly minor undertaking, and it kept stretching on and on and on. But we finally got her moved out, down to San Marcos, and unloaded in her room. So after that, I went to Lilie's.
Went in, gave her the DVD burner; her phone rang, so I sat on the couch. She got off fairly quickly, and came over and sat next to me and put her head on my arm. I didn't really respond. She had said she wanted to talk, and it was going to have to start with her (it still does). I didn't really have anything to say.
A'ight, I just took a little nap, and it's 8 am, so I have to leave for class. I'll try later to finish this mighty epic.
2004-08-16
I've never cried at work
I've been sad, tired, depressed, angry, emotional, moody, etc.
But I've never cried.
Until today.
Basically, Ray asked me when I was going to start showing up in a tie. I told him I didn't know, and let him know that there'd been basically no dialogue between Dave and I on the subject - just that he'd told me to start coming to the meetings, and (eventually) gave me an Assistant Manager Trainee book.
So later, when Dave was getting ready to go to the store (or something), Ray asks him when I'm going to start coming in in a tie. Dave says, and I quote, "When he stops being such a fuck-up." I was standing almost right behind him, and I know he knew it, as I had to ask him to move out of his chair so I could squegee up in that area. He was kinda laughing when he said it, but that doesn't change anything.
Now, I didn't just start crying right there or anything.
Later, Ray took Erica to the back and gave her her blue shirt. That's two now - Jenn and Erica, with possibly Larry, Freddie, and one or two others. Kristen's coming back as a red shirt. I don't recall exactly how that lead to the following conversation, but it did. I explained to Ray that I've been a blue shirt for almost FIVE MONTHS and never got my blue shirt raise, and I've started bugging Dave about it finally, and it still hasn't gotten through yet. I also explained that I never got a raise after learning not only how to fountain, but becoming one of the better fountains there and being able to run and close fountain by myself (as well as kitchen).
So time passes uneventfully. Dennis comes in and cooks. No incidents there, which is good. We didn't say two words to each other, with the exception of requisite cook communication.
Then during lunch, as I'm on the board, things start to go through my head. It's a little difficult to put into words now, so bear with me.
I think it was while I was talking some boards. I just started running through my course of employment at Sonic. I started off at a fairly low wage, which is fair - I had very little job experience, none of which was applicable, was very young, and basically, he was taking a chance on me. But I've proven repeatedly that it was a good one, and he demonstarted as such, with two minute raises fairly early on, and another (all a quarter) a little later.
Then I learned how to fountain. I need to clarify this. Most cooks that have been there for any significant length of time know how to answer a board - Freddie, Rick, Ray, etc. A few could do drinks or bag. But not for a whole shift, and only in a supplementary capacity. I'm the only cook (non-manager) that can work entire fountain shifts, can train other people how to fountain, close fountain by myself, etc. Hell, I'm the only fountain that can cook as well. That's a *major* bit of diversity. During lunch, I'm often back and forth. Never saw a dime for it.
Then Ricky was there, and I started thinking about being a blue shirt. I talked to Ricky and Javi about it, and they both supported the idea. Ricky even started talking about making me an assistant as well. I eventually asked Dave about it, and he had Ricky take me to the back and talk to me about what I needed to do to be a blue shirt. He basically told me that I'd been a blue shirt for at least the last month or so, if not more, and that I was ready to go. I think he mentioned doing temp checks as well, but I'd been doing that as well. So I became a blue shirt. Never saw a dime for it.
It just really upset me. I feel very much like I'm being taken advantage of. Dave's a stingy, cheap-ass bastard, and I have no doubt that he'd do something like that on purpose. I'm a big boy. I can take being told I'm not good enough for something, but not being led along. I guess that's why I started crying. At first, my eyes just got kinda watery, and I held it back. Then I kept running through things. And it started coming out. I took the trash to the back, and Mark and Erica both saw me. Erica gave me a hug, and Mark tried to talk to me. I ignored Mark, and told Erica I'd be fine. I had to take a couple boards, and I know I either sounded like a girl or it was obvious what was going on. It was... weird. I've never cried at work before. I've been close to walking out a few times, but never as close as I was today. Luckily, I got to leave at 2 (8 - 2 shift). We'll see how tomorrow goes.
In other news:
Janelle started school today. She's being a bitch - I asked her to pick up a transcript request form for me, since she's there all day anyway, and she got all uppity and asked me why I couldn't do it, and she didn't know of any form, and all kinds of stuff. I was like, "Fine. Just don't ask me for any favors." It's so annoying - I help her out all the time; I ask her for one favor, which doesn't require anything more than walking a few hundred (probably less, depending on where she is over the course of the day), and she acts like I've shot her dog.
Fine. Be that way.
But I've never cried.
Until today.
Basically, Ray asked me when I was going to start showing up in a tie. I told him I didn't know, and let him know that there'd been basically no dialogue between Dave and I on the subject - just that he'd told me to start coming to the meetings, and (eventually) gave me an Assistant Manager Trainee book.
So later, when Dave was getting ready to go to the store (or something), Ray asks him when I'm going to start coming in in a tie. Dave says, and I quote, "When he stops being such a fuck-up." I was standing almost right behind him, and I know he knew it, as I had to ask him to move out of his chair so I could squegee up in that area. He was kinda laughing when he said it, but that doesn't change anything.
Now, I didn't just start crying right there or anything.
Later, Ray took Erica to the back and gave her her blue shirt. That's two now - Jenn and Erica, with possibly Larry, Freddie, and one or two others. Kristen's coming back as a red shirt. I don't recall exactly how that lead to the following conversation, but it did. I explained to Ray that I've been a blue shirt for almost FIVE MONTHS and never got my blue shirt raise, and I've started bugging Dave about it finally, and it still hasn't gotten through yet. I also explained that I never got a raise after learning not only how to fountain, but becoming one of the better fountains there and being able to run and close fountain by myself (as well as kitchen).
So time passes uneventfully. Dennis comes in and cooks. No incidents there, which is good. We didn't say two words to each other, with the exception of requisite cook communication.
Then during lunch, as I'm on the board, things start to go through my head. It's a little difficult to put into words now, so bear with me.
I think it was while I was talking some boards. I just started running through my course of employment at Sonic. I started off at a fairly low wage, which is fair - I had very little job experience, none of which was applicable, was very young, and basically, he was taking a chance on me. But I've proven repeatedly that it was a good one, and he demonstarted as such, with two minute raises fairly early on, and another (all a quarter) a little later.
Then I learned how to fountain. I need to clarify this. Most cooks that have been there for any significant length of time know how to answer a board - Freddie, Rick, Ray, etc. A few could do drinks or bag. But not for a whole shift, and only in a supplementary capacity. I'm the only cook (non-manager) that can work entire fountain shifts, can train other people how to fountain, close fountain by myself, etc. Hell, I'm the only fountain that can cook as well. That's a *major* bit of diversity. During lunch, I'm often back and forth. Never saw a dime for it.
Then Ricky was there, and I started thinking about being a blue shirt. I talked to Ricky and Javi about it, and they both supported the idea. Ricky even started talking about making me an assistant as well. I eventually asked Dave about it, and he had Ricky take me to the back and talk to me about what I needed to do to be a blue shirt. He basically told me that I'd been a blue shirt for at least the last month or so, if not more, and that I was ready to go. I think he mentioned doing temp checks as well, but I'd been doing that as well. So I became a blue shirt. Never saw a dime for it.
It just really upset me. I feel very much like I'm being taken advantage of. Dave's a stingy, cheap-ass bastard, and I have no doubt that he'd do something like that on purpose. I'm a big boy. I can take being told I'm not good enough for something, but not being led along. I guess that's why I started crying. At first, my eyes just got kinda watery, and I held it back. Then I kept running through things. And it started coming out. I took the trash to the back, and Mark and Erica both saw me. Erica gave me a hug, and Mark tried to talk to me. I ignored Mark, and told Erica I'd be fine. I had to take a couple boards, and I know I either sounded like a girl or it was obvious what was going on. It was... weird. I've never cried at work before. I've been close to walking out a few times, but never as close as I was today. Luckily, I got to leave at 2 (8 - 2 shift). We'll see how tomorrow goes.
In other news:
Janelle started school today. She's being a bitch - I asked her to pick up a transcript request form for me, since she's there all day anyway, and she got all uppity and asked me why I couldn't do it, and she didn't know of any form, and all kinds of stuff. I was like, "Fine. Just don't ask me for any favors." It's so annoying - I help her out all the time; I ask her for one favor, which doesn't require anything more than walking a few hundred (probably less, depending on where she is over the course of the day), and she acts like I've shot her dog.
Fine. Be that way.
