So I've had a couple weird dreams lately.
I want to start blogging again more regularly, especially what dreams I can remember.
I had a sex dream last night> I don't have many dreams where I'm having sex. There wasn't anything strange or terribly notable about that dream other than that, though - I think it was Faith Nelson that I was having sex with. Good stuff.
Another dream I had recently saw me as a police officer for San Marcos. We were in front of Domino's, and a monster was attacking, it was a lot like Cloverfield. We were running to our car, which was on the other side of the parking lot. We got in our car as a huge tentacle hit the parking lot behind us, and a lot of little monsters disgorged. One jumped through the car window next to me; it looked kind of like an armadillo. Very weird.
Those are the only two that I can really remember recently.
Britney Spears -- Piece of Me
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
2007-12-06
A million miles away, but always in my heart
So jury duty wasn't too bad today. We got out of there around 4-ish, having finished the entire docket, so we don't have to go back tomorrow. Just one more session, January 9th-ish. It's pretty cool, 'cause I still have all of tomorrow off to do with as I please. Might go to Domino's and work on the map book, might lounge around the house, might clean up my room.
Let's see, what else?
Oh, right.
Had an(other) sex dream about Ambra. Was a pretty sweet set-up. We were both lying on her living room floor, like when we were hanging out watching Heroes. I kiss her on the cheek like I'm kissing her goodbye, she kisses me back on the cheek, then I kiss her again. Then we start making out. She says something along the lines of 'finally', and clothes start coming off.
Good times.
Jesse -- My Star
Let's see, what else?
Oh, right.
Had an(other) sex dream about Ambra. Was a pretty sweet set-up. We were both lying on her living room floor, like when we were hanging out watching Heroes. I kiss her on the cheek like I'm kissing her goodbye, she kisses me back on the cheek, then I kiss her again. Then we start making out. She says something along the lines of 'finally', and clothes start coming off.
Good times.
Jesse -- My Star
2007-09-30
Show you what I really want to do
So I had kind of a raunchy dream last night about Terri. That's somewhat misleading, since the raunchiness wasn't her and me, it was her and this other guy, and I walked in on them like twice, and heard things (they lived in the apartment next to me) a few other times. Good stuff.
Domino's is going alright. Jackie stopped by yesterday, which was pretty neat; she saw my truck and stopped by just to say hi.
French Affair -- My Heart Goes Boom
Domino's is going alright. Jackie stopped by yesterday, which was pretty neat; she saw my truck and stopped by just to say hi.
French Affair -- My Heart Goes Boom
2006-12-22
Global Orgasm
Global Orgasm
Awesome idea, terrible, terrible execution.
It's a huge anti-war thing. Something about we all have an orgasm while thinking about peace. While I'm a fan of both weird worldwide celebrations - International Talk Like A Pirate Day is pretty cool - and of orgasms - sex is great - this one has the foundations of a neat idea, but making it about anti-war-ness kind of ruins it, since it divides the pro-orgasm pro-peace people from the pro-orgasm pro-war people. The anti-orgasm people don't really matter.
They do have a great slogan, though: "We Came in Peace"
Awesome idea, terrible, terrible execution.
It's a huge anti-war thing. Something about we all have an orgasm while thinking about peace. While I'm a fan of both weird worldwide celebrations - International Talk Like A Pirate Day is pretty cool - and of orgasms - sex is great - this one has the foundations of a neat idea, but making it about anti-war-ness kind of ruins it, since it divides the pro-orgasm pro-peace people from the pro-orgasm pro-war people. The anti-orgasm people don't really matter.
They do have a great slogan, though: "We Came in Peace"
2006-01-19
Soon as You Get Over [Her], Your Light will Truly Shine
Two things that have occured to me in the past half hour.
1) I have no angry music. I have no music that I can put on and turn up really loud when I'm angry, and have it reflect my mood. I guess that's one of the problems with having a primarily dance/pop playlist.
2) My graphics engine could barely handle a MuD, let alone UO, or heaven forbid, WoW.
Sugababes -- Just Let It Go
1) I have no angry music. I have no music that I can put on and turn up really loud when I'm angry, and have it reflect my mood. I guess that's one of the problems with having a primarily dance/pop playlist.
2) My graphics engine could barely handle a MuD, let alone UO, or heaven forbid, WoW.
Sugababes -- Just Let It Go
2006-01-14
Secret moments
Had a weird dream last night. I remember it fairly vividly, since I was woken up in the middle of it by my cell phone's wake-up call feature. Warning: If the concept of me having sex isn't something you don't want to read about, skip this post.
So yeah, I was having sex with Mindy. I don't really remember the background to it, except it was the 'we had just gotten back together' kind. It was taking place in the guest room, back when it had the really springy bed, before it went to Janelle's room. That, and we left the door open, for some reason. Janelle sat up in her room and saw what was going on, but went back to sleep. Kind of random. That, and later, after we were done, we were lying there, just kind of talking, when Mom walks through the door. She was like "Oh, Mindy, didn't know you were here." And Mindy didn't freak out as she normally would in that kind of situation (well, at least five years ago), but was just like "Hey, Ms. Martin. Woulda said hi when I came in, but I figured you were asleep." That's all.
Well, that, and the graphic sexual details, which I'll spare y'all.
Just another random dream.
Donna Lewis -- I Love You
So yeah, I was having sex with Mindy. I don't really remember the background to it, except it was the 'we had just gotten back together' kind. It was taking place in the guest room, back when it had the really springy bed, before it went to Janelle's room. That, and we left the door open, for some reason. Janelle sat up in her room and saw what was going on, but went back to sleep. Kind of random. That, and later, after we were done, we were lying there, just kind of talking, when Mom walks through the door. She was like "Oh, Mindy, didn't know you were here." And Mindy didn't freak out as she normally would in that kind of situation (well, at least five years ago), but was just like "Hey, Ms. Martin. Woulda said hi when I came in, but I figured you were asleep." That's all.
Well, that, and the graphic sexual details, which I'll spare y'all.
Just another random dream.
Donna Lewis -- I Love You
2005-12-21
I hide away my fears, hoping no one will come near
Ow.
So I'm ridiculously bored and lonely, and looking for something, anything, to do to keep me from going insane. David is in Denver spending the holidays with his family instead of here, so I'm watching MST3K by myself.
So I've been thinking. Why is it that some people can't find meaningful sex? Some people have sex with plenty of people they think they actually cared about, relationships they acted like they would actually go somewhere. Yet, when a lot of people try to find a relationship, something beyond just normal everyday sex with someone they couldn't give one tenth of one shit about, they can't find it? First, why the hell are they having sex with someone they couldn't give one tenth of one shit about, if they're looking for a close relationship? Are men today just incapable of actual romance? No, I don't think that's it. I think it's that the vast majority of women are, though they'll deny it, cruel, cold-hearted bitches that are not only incredibly self-centered, but want things both ways - proverbially speaking, they want to have their cake and eat it too. Some people find success at first, by hiding those negative traits for a while, and end up scarring the people they're with, giving them enough emotional baggage to make later attempts doomed to failure. That's why the "good ones" get harder and harder to find later on. What's the world coming to?
Anyway, I write this under the effect of a major negative emotional spiral, a huge downswing, and a night of crying, but that doesn't absolve me of any responsibility of what I say. That is all.
Milk, Inc -- Living a Lie
So I'm ridiculously bored and lonely, and looking for something, anything, to do to keep me from going insane. David is in Denver spending the holidays with his family instead of here, so I'm watching MST3K by myself.
So I've been thinking. Why is it that some people can't find meaningful sex? Some people have sex with plenty of people they think they actually cared about, relationships they acted like they would actually go somewhere. Yet, when a lot of people try to find a relationship, something beyond just normal everyday sex with someone they couldn't give one tenth of one shit about, they can't find it? First, why the hell are they having sex with someone they couldn't give one tenth of one shit about, if they're looking for a close relationship? Are men today just incapable of actual romance? No, I don't think that's it. I think it's that the vast majority of women are, though they'll deny it, cruel, cold-hearted bitches that are not only incredibly self-centered, but want things both ways - proverbially speaking, they want to have their cake and eat it too. Some people find success at first, by hiding those negative traits for a while, and end up scarring the people they're with, giving them enough emotional baggage to make later attempts doomed to failure. That's why the "good ones" get harder and harder to find later on. What's the world coming to?
Anyway, I write this under the effect of a major negative emotional spiral, a huge downswing, and a night of crying, but that doesn't absolve me of any responsibility of what I say. That is all.
Milk, Inc -- Living a Lie
2005-10-06
2005-05-29
Headstrong, I'll take you on
I had another dream about Mindy last night. I don't remember all of it, and I'm not sure if it was just really weird, or if I had two dreams. The only bits I can remember involved hanging out with her at Mom's house, then making out in the garage. Intensely. To the point where if an alien that didn't understand the concept had been there, he would have thought, "Gee, those two beings are eating each other's faces." I don't know why I dream about her so often. It's not like I have a bunch of unresolved issues about her (Chelsea) or am still in love with her (Lilie).
After further consideration, I've reach at least a tentative hypothesis. Mindy and I had a very innocent, loving relationship. Well, at least for a while. The second half was nothing but sex and major arguments, but the first part, *especially* before we broke up the third time... it was, well, idyllic. Part of it is that she was just so open. I'm a very, *very* open person, which is why I often feel so cut off from everybody else - there aren't a lot of people around that are that open. And from the beginning, we were *very* open with each other. I can remember one of the first times we ever talked on the phone - for about 4 hours or so - and it was an amazing conversation. I mean, we were basically hooked up by Crystal, when Mindy wanted a boyfriend in high school and Crystal thought I'd be perfect. She wasn't *that* far off, which is why we have the history we do (Mindy and I). So yeah, that first part of the relationship - at least the first six months or so... very open, very warm, very safe. I think that's why I dream about her when I do - in times of confusion, anguish, emotional pain, I subconsciously retreat to the last really warm, safe place I remember.
Well, that's not entirely true. There's one more, much more recently, but it's usually directly related to the problem causing the retreat in the first place, and lasted a much shorter time. So yeah.
After further consideration, I've reach at least a tentative hypothesis. Mindy and I had a very innocent, loving relationship. Well, at least for a while. The second half was nothing but sex and major arguments, but the first part, *especially* before we broke up the third time... it was, well, idyllic. Part of it is that she was just so open. I'm a very, *very* open person, which is why I often feel so cut off from everybody else - there aren't a lot of people around that are that open. And from the beginning, we were *very* open with each other. I can remember one of the first times we ever talked on the phone - for about 4 hours or so - and it was an amazing conversation. I mean, we were basically hooked up by Crystal, when Mindy wanted a boyfriend in high school and Crystal thought I'd be perfect. She wasn't *that* far off, which is why we have the history we do (Mindy and I). So yeah, that first part of the relationship - at least the first six months or so... very open, very warm, very safe. I think that's why I dream about her when I do - in times of confusion, anguish, emotional pain, I subconsciously retreat to the last really warm, safe place I remember.
Well, that's not entirely true. There's one more, much more recently, but it's usually directly related to the problem causing the retreat in the first place, and lasted a much shorter time. So yeah.
2005-01-22
Higher and higher; I'm gonna light your fire
So, skating Monday.
Janelle and I had talked about skating Monday, since it was a holiday and she didn't have school, and her skates had recently come in. I remember Lilie saying she liked to skate as well, so I invited her as well.
We had to clean house first, and Lilie was supposed to work during the day, but she got in an argument with the manager and walked out. We ended up going... I don't really remember when we got there. There was *no one* there. Well, that's not actually true. The staff was there, and I think there were three other people there for about ten - fifteen minutes after we got there. After that, it was just the three of us.
I played PIU first, 'cause, well, even though it's DDR's retarded bastard cousin, it's still a member of the family, no matter how embarrassing. Lilie actually came over and watched, which always makes me nervous and/or self-conscoius. But we did start skating before too long. It was... okay. We even had a free skate in the opposite direction. That's always fun. We held hands while skating a lot, but eventually gave that up, after suffering the dreaded 'slingshot effect' a few times. I finally got to try that thing where two people are holding hands, and one person is skating backwards, and they're holding both hands. Didn't work very well.
One interesting point. We were sitting over on the table, talking about leaving or staying or doing karaoke or what, and somehow, the conversation of being sweaty came up. I mentioned that Lilie hadn't seen me really sweaty (as I get after a few hours of DDR), and she said that she had. It took me a second to realize that she was talking about the time we were naked together in bed, almost going at it. I wouldn't be surprised if Janelle deduced the reference, as well. And that would be funny.
So after that, we went to the LBJ Student Center. I wanted to play some DDR, and she wanted to check out the art supplies at the bookstore. They were closed - it was late, but we realized that it was because it was MLK Day. We started talking about whether or not we've technically had sex. She said that she's including my on her list of people that she's had sex with (and apparently, no one else , not ever her best friend of twenty-something years, knows how long that list is. The only thing she'd tell me is that it's lower than her friend's, which is... um, I think 62. Fair enough.) (For those of you who're curious, my own list is somewhere between 1 and 3, depending on whch circumstances you consider sex. And just saying, "Well, penetration/intercourse is sex." doesn't help clarify the situation at all. More on that later, if I'm in a weird enough mood). Anyway, we went back to the parking lot, and were standing by my truck for a while, engaging in PDA's. Well, sorta. We were hugging. Kinda like we used to in the old days, when we'd stand there with our arms around each other for prolonged periods of time. That's a feeling that I retreat to when I need to re-balance myself and find my center. That lasted for a while, 'til she mentioned that she was cold, and we retreated to the interior of my truck. Oddly enough, though, we didn't drive off, but continued hugging. It was nice. Throughout this, there were instances of the old days - finishing hugging, but still having our arms around each other, and our faces right next to each other. Our faces being close enough together that our lips were almost touching. I mean, I know we're just friends; I think it's finally gotten through that we're apart, that we're probably (Argh!! I can't even bring myself to say this without throwing in a hedge-word. I know why, though. More on that later.) not getting back together, regardless of my feelings for her, or her declared feelings for her.
Then, it happened. She kissed me. I'm sure of it, too - she definitely kissed me. Then I kissed her. Then I kissed her again. Then she kissed me again.
Kinda scary. It lasted a total of maybe thirty seconds, but it felt like an eternity. I hadn't felt that good since... well, before Christmas, to be sure. Reminiscing about it, though, does make me a bit... melancholy. Wistful. Something like that.
Further analysis to come - I've got to go to work. Janelle worked 12 - 5, so I'll get to talk to her about how it went. She actually closed carhop by herself Thursday night, for Ashley. Crazy stuff. Kristin and Katie both said she's really getting it down, doing well. I hope so.
Janelle and I had talked about skating Monday, since it was a holiday and she didn't have school, and her skates had recently come in. I remember Lilie saying she liked to skate as well, so I invited her as well.
We had to clean house first, and Lilie was supposed to work during the day, but she got in an argument with the manager and walked out. We ended up going... I don't really remember when we got there. There was *no one* there. Well, that's not actually true. The staff was there, and I think there were three other people there for about ten - fifteen minutes after we got there. After that, it was just the three of us.
I played PIU first, 'cause, well, even though it's DDR's retarded bastard cousin, it's still a member of the family, no matter how embarrassing. Lilie actually came over and watched, which always makes me nervous and/or self-conscoius. But we did start skating before too long. It was... okay. We even had a free skate in the opposite direction. That's always fun. We held hands while skating a lot, but eventually gave that up, after suffering the dreaded 'slingshot effect' a few times. I finally got to try that thing where two people are holding hands, and one person is skating backwards, and they're holding both hands. Didn't work very well.
One interesting point. We were sitting over on the table, talking about leaving or staying or doing karaoke or what, and somehow, the conversation of being sweaty came up. I mentioned that Lilie hadn't seen me really sweaty (as I get after a few hours of DDR), and she said that she had. It took me a second to realize that she was talking about the time we were naked together in bed, almost going at it. I wouldn't be surprised if Janelle deduced the reference, as well. And that would be funny.
So after that, we went to the LBJ Student Center. I wanted to play some DDR, and she wanted to check out the art supplies at the bookstore. They were closed - it was late, but we realized that it was because it was MLK Day. We started talking about whether or not we've technically had sex. She said that she's including my on her list of people that she's had sex with (and apparently, no one else , not ever her best friend of twenty-something years, knows how long that list is. The only thing she'd tell me is that it's lower than her friend's, which is... um, I think 62. Fair enough.) (For those of you who're curious, my own list is somewhere between 1 and 3, depending on whch circumstances you consider sex. And just saying, "Well, penetration/intercourse is sex." doesn't help clarify the situation at all. More on that later, if I'm in a weird enough mood). Anyway, we went back to the parking lot, and were standing by my truck for a while, engaging in PDA's. Well, sorta. We were hugging. Kinda like we used to in the old days, when we'd stand there with our arms around each other for prolonged periods of time. That's a feeling that I retreat to when I need to re-balance myself and find my center. That lasted for a while, 'til she mentioned that she was cold, and we retreated to the interior of my truck. Oddly enough, though, we didn't drive off, but continued hugging. It was nice. Throughout this, there were instances of the old days - finishing hugging, but still having our arms around each other, and our faces right next to each other. Our faces being close enough together that our lips were almost touching. I mean, I know we're just friends; I think it's finally gotten through that we're apart, that we're probably (Argh!! I can't even bring myself to say this without throwing in a hedge-word. I know why, though. More on that later.) not getting back together, regardless of my feelings for her, or her declared feelings for her.
Then, it happened. She kissed me. I'm sure of it, too - she definitely kissed me. Then I kissed her. Then I kissed her again. Then she kissed me again.
Kinda scary. It lasted a total of maybe thirty seconds, but it felt like an eternity. I hadn't felt that good since... well, before Christmas, to be sure. Reminiscing about it, though, does make me a bit... melancholy. Wistful. Something like that.
Further analysis to come - I've got to go to work. Janelle worked 12 - 5, so I'll get to talk to her about how it went. She actually closed carhop by herself Thursday night, for Ashley. Crazy stuff. Kristin and Katie both said she's really getting it down, doing well. I hope so.
2005-01-12
Sit down and I'll regale ya' 'bout my nephew from Australia
Will the deluge never end? This is will be my... fourth post tonight? Third? Something like that. This one may be the hardest to write, though. The others were nothing more than recaps and summaries.
This, of course, also means it's harder to write. Well, not really. That doesn't make it harder to write. The fact that I'm trying to put down how I feel about Lilie and our situation makes it difficult to write.
That whole thing I posted the other day... all I was really trying to say is that I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that there's something else. Something I did wrong. Or didn't do. Or did, but shouldn't have. Or something like that. And I don't know about it, and am doomed to make the same mistake again.
I've usually been good about analyzing my mistakes and learning from them... but this is one area where that isn't the case. Apparently, I've learned nothing. Now, my first disclaimer: There will be those of you who feel that I'm making a huge deal out of this, or just need to calm down and roll with it, or something along those lines. You're partially right, but that's how I am. I analyze things non-stop. It's one of the few good (well, sometimes) good things about having such a strong stream-of-consciousness. But this is really my only place to get this out - I don't really talk to anyone about this (well, except Jarrod, but that's because he asks me about it every time I we talk, because, well, that's what we do.) So among other things, I'm searching for some catharsis. If that's a problem, get out. Seriously. Leave me to my own little corner of the web, where I'm just going to do my thing, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Anyway.
On a sidenote, I actually just burnt her a CD to replace the one she dumped some Mountain Dew (the most toxic substance known to man) on. Well, not entirely. I've been meaning to, but it just never happened. Today before work, I fell asleep, then had to run to my appointment, which went way late. Yesterday, I had my car problems. Sunday, I was sleeping and doing housework. You get the picture. I don't know what was on that CD, so I'm improvising here. I think I'm going to start another section on my blog that has my burnt CDs both so people can see what I listen to and so I can keep track of what I've burnt. I'll also put the CDs I've burnt for her on there, so I can avoid repeats on CDs. I wonder, though, if the discman she got that can read MP3's is the one hooked up to her car. If so... that makes things a lot easier. And a lot more difficult.
So it's finally sinking in that we're really, really broken up. I always had this hope that one day, she'd call me up and ask me to come over, and surprise me with a kiss. Or something like that. Or we're just hanging out at her place one day, and she comes over and sits on my lap (like last time) and hugs me, but something more. I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Fuck that. I do.
Again, I belive her when she says it's just that she's not ready or doesn't want to deal with a relationship right now. But I can't stop my subconscious from conjuring up these thoughts, and they're easier to deal with when I get them out somehow - it used to be by talking to someone about it, but this works as well. Will we just be close friends from now on? Will we never again establish that deep, deep connection? Or is it just buried deep down, ready to resurface at a later time?
See, that's the kind of thinking that makes it so hard for me to let go. Which I've never been terribly good at; mainly, because I don't *want* to let go. I don't want to lose that connection with her. I just don't.
[[Oh - interesting sidenote. When I got to work today, I saw Kevin's truck in the parking lot. I thought perhaps he had come to pick up Shelley. Nope. She drove it home. Or rather, out of the parking lot and turned right, so I can only assume that was her destination.
...
Intersting choice on his part.]]
is that my fate? It seems to be what I do. Maybe that's all I am - the friend. Mabe that's all I'll ever be. I mean, I understand that it's my fault, for being who I am. Girls don't want someone that's kind of girly - a guy that's so shy about making moves. Seriously. Of all the relationships I've been in... I've made a move on someone... once? Kenni dropped hints for me to kiss her for two weeks before she finally got tired of waiting for me to catch on and just kissed me. Mindy didn't wait around, and basically told me to kiss her in the parking lot at the skating rink. That was funny, looking back. Had she not, we wouldn't have. Rudy made the famous comment, "You're such a good big sister to these girls." I'm sure being as stubborn as I am doesn't help. My horrendous taste in music, my near-obsession with DDR; hell, it's a miracle I've found relationships that have lasted as long as they did. and it's probably the case that three years wasn't nearly as long to wait as I should have. I just need to let go of the daydreams. To realize that her and I are through, that we're friends now (note: I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I love being friends with her. Don't read something here that I didn't say.)
*Sigh*
At the same time, I can't. The same stubborness that keeps me apart from people prevents me from giving up on something like this. Which is a bad thing, because it's only when you reach your heart out with hope that it can be crushed.
I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I like her. I like her a lot. I don't know how she feels about me, nor do I think I will. But it's five in the morning, I've had maybe two hours of sleep in the last 40-something, so I'm going to let myself ramble. These may be the half-coherent ramblings of a sleep-deprived freak that's out of synch with reality, but hey, it's who and what and where I am, and that's all I have.
It's one of those insecurity things - I've done it before. You get afraid that perhaps you want to be with someone, or be friends with someone, much more than they do, so you wait for them to call you. On paper, it sounds kind of weird, but I've found myself doing it over and over again. The best example is near the end of my first year of college, when I actually called Chelsea, and we e-mailed back and forth and talked a few times (I still remember the conversation I had with her roommate - "Hello, is Chelsea there?" "Yeah, but I'm on the other line. Can I take a message?" "Sure! - Just tell her Billy called, here's my number: 512..." "Wait, that's waay out of town. Lemme get her.") It seemed like she was only responding, though. So I gave up on that. It's frustrating, but something you learn to deal with. It's akin to surrendering the ego - just letting go.
Maybe that's what I need to do. Just give her her space. Well, I sort of already did that, when I didn't try to contact her for a few weeks. She did call me, after she was feeling better. I don't know, I just get... tired. Tired of thinking that I've maybe formed a special connection with someone, which, while I have, isn't quite what I thought it was. Tired of falling for people that don't reciprocate. Tired of being hurt, and being hurt only because I set myself up for it so perfectly. I just want to find somsone that I'm comfortable with, that loves me for who I am, not in spite of it. That's all I really want out of life. Don't get me wrong - I understand that kind of thing usually doesn't come along when you're looking for it, and surprises you; I'm not. I'm just making an effort to understand myself.
I keep getting it pointed it out to me that I don't fit in. With people. I've never really found a group of more than two people that I didn't feel like an outside around. Back in high school, we had our little group of friends. With any one or two of them, I was fine. However, once we were in a group of four or so, I was the outside. Mind you, these were my good friends during high school. It's the same thing at work - well, not quite, 'cause I'm not really friends with anyone at work (I'm still confused as to why Lilie took so much offense at that statement. I'm really not. I'm friendly with people from work, but I don't think I'd consider myself friends with anyone from work. Freddie's definitely an exception, as we talk a lot outside of work, but he's probably the only one. I've been talking more with Jess, so that might be another, and Javi, though that's really just a work-based mutual respect thing. If you don't believe me, observe me at a party with the work group. It's... weird to watch. That's not a criticism on any of them, mind you - they've always been quite welcoming. It's just some bad wiring in me. I just really, really don't understand why Lilie took so much offense at Bennigan's when I told her that I'm not really friends with anyone from work. The only thing I can think of is she thought I was including her, or that I was saying I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone I work with, which isn't the case. She is the counterpoint to each of them, oddly enough.)
But I understand that it's my fault with the whole friend thing (I mean, only being friends with girls, not being boyfriend-worthy material or however you want to put it, not the feeling like an outsider even with groups of my friends thing). Like I was saying before, I'm just not what they want. I've read it, I've talked to girls, I know - girls like it when you make the move, that kind of thing. That's just an example, though. There's other one, some tied in to the whole "12 year old girl' thing. That, of course, started out as a commentary on my taste in music (Aqua, anyone?). Well, the Care Bears doesn't help, I'm sure.
Anyway.
Yeah, that's probably all I'm good for. The friend.
Lilie, I'm sorry
This, of course, also means it's harder to write. Well, not really. That doesn't make it harder to write. The fact that I'm trying to put down how I feel about Lilie and our situation makes it difficult to write.
That whole thing I posted the other day... all I was really trying to say is that I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that there's something else. Something I did wrong. Or didn't do. Or did, but shouldn't have. Or something like that. And I don't know about it, and am doomed to make the same mistake again.
I've usually been good about analyzing my mistakes and learning from them... but this is one area where that isn't the case. Apparently, I've learned nothing. Now, my first disclaimer: There will be those of you who feel that I'm making a huge deal out of this, or just need to calm down and roll with it, or something along those lines. You're partially right, but that's how I am. I analyze things non-stop. It's one of the few good (well, sometimes) good things about having such a strong stream-of-consciousness. But this is really my only place to get this out - I don't really talk to anyone about this (well, except Jarrod, but that's because he asks me about it every time I we talk, because, well, that's what we do.) So among other things, I'm searching for some catharsis. If that's a problem, get out. Seriously. Leave me to my own little corner of the web, where I'm just going to do my thing, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Anyway.
On a sidenote, I actually just burnt her a CD to replace the one she dumped some Mountain Dew (the most toxic substance known to man) on. Well, not entirely. I've been meaning to, but it just never happened. Today before work, I fell asleep, then had to run to my appointment, which went way late. Yesterday, I had my car problems. Sunday, I was sleeping and doing housework. You get the picture. I don't know what was on that CD, so I'm improvising here. I think I'm going to start another section on my blog that has my burnt CDs both so people can see what I listen to and so I can keep track of what I've burnt. I'll also put the CDs I've burnt for her on there, so I can avoid repeats on CDs. I wonder, though, if the discman she got that can read MP3's is the one hooked up to her car. If so... that makes things a lot easier. And a lot more difficult.
So it's finally sinking in that we're really, really broken up. I always had this hope that one day, she'd call me up and ask me to come over, and surprise me with a kiss. Or something like that. Or we're just hanging out at her place one day, and she comes over and sits on my lap (like last time) and hugs me, but something more. I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Fuck that. I do.
Again, I belive her when she says it's just that she's not ready or doesn't want to deal with a relationship right now. But I can't stop my subconscious from conjuring up these thoughts, and they're easier to deal with when I get them out somehow - it used to be by talking to someone about it, but this works as well. Will we just be close friends from now on? Will we never again establish that deep, deep connection? Or is it just buried deep down, ready to resurface at a later time?
See, that's the kind of thinking that makes it so hard for me to let go. Which I've never been terribly good at; mainly, because I don't *want* to let go. I don't want to lose that connection with her. I just don't.
[[Oh - interesting sidenote. When I got to work today, I saw Kevin's truck in the parking lot. I thought perhaps he had come to pick up Shelley. Nope. She drove it home. Or rather, out of the parking lot and turned right, so I can only assume that was her destination.
...
Intersting choice on his part.]]
is that my fate? It seems to be what I do. Maybe that's all I am - the friend. Mabe that's all I'll ever be. I mean, I understand that it's my fault, for being who I am. Girls don't want someone that's kind of girly - a guy that's so shy about making moves. Seriously. Of all the relationships I've been in... I've made a move on someone... once? Kenni dropped hints for me to kiss her for two weeks before she finally got tired of waiting for me to catch on and just kissed me. Mindy didn't wait around, and basically told me to kiss her in the parking lot at the skating rink. That was funny, looking back. Had she not, we wouldn't have. Rudy made the famous comment, "You're such a good big sister to these girls." I'm sure being as stubborn as I am doesn't help. My horrendous taste in music, my near-obsession with DDR; hell, it's a miracle I've found relationships that have lasted as long as they did. and it's probably the case that three years wasn't nearly as long to wait as I should have. I just need to let go of the daydreams. To realize that her and I are through, that we're friends now (note: I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I love being friends with her. Don't read something here that I didn't say.)
*Sigh*
At the same time, I can't. The same stubborness that keeps me apart from people prevents me from giving up on something like this. Which is a bad thing, because it's only when you reach your heart out with hope that it can be crushed.
I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I like her. I like her a lot. I don't know how she feels about me, nor do I think I will. But it's five in the morning, I've had maybe two hours of sleep in the last 40-something, so I'm going to let myself ramble. These may be the half-coherent ramblings of a sleep-deprived freak that's out of synch with reality, but hey, it's who and what and where I am, and that's all I have.
It's one of those insecurity things - I've done it before. You get afraid that perhaps you want to be with someone, or be friends with someone, much more than they do, so you wait for them to call you. On paper, it sounds kind of weird, but I've found myself doing it over and over again. The best example is near the end of my first year of college, when I actually called Chelsea, and we e-mailed back and forth and talked a few times (I still remember the conversation I had with her roommate - "Hello, is Chelsea there?" "Yeah, but I'm on the other line. Can I take a message?" "Sure! - Just tell her Billy called, here's my number: 512..." "Wait, that's waay out of town. Lemme get her.") It seemed like she was only responding, though. So I gave up on that. It's frustrating, but something you learn to deal with. It's akin to surrendering the ego - just letting go.
Maybe that's what I need to do. Just give her her space. Well, I sort of already did that, when I didn't try to contact her for a few weeks. She did call me, after she was feeling better. I don't know, I just get... tired. Tired of thinking that I've maybe formed a special connection with someone, which, while I have, isn't quite what I thought it was. Tired of falling for people that don't reciprocate. Tired of being hurt, and being hurt only because I set myself up for it so perfectly. I just want to find somsone that I'm comfortable with, that loves me for who I am, not in spite of it. That's all I really want out of life. Don't get me wrong - I understand that kind of thing usually doesn't come along when you're looking for it, and surprises you; I'm not. I'm just making an effort to understand myself.
I keep getting it pointed it out to me that I don't fit in. With people. I've never really found a group of more than two people that I didn't feel like an outside around. Back in high school, we had our little group of friends. With any one or two of them, I was fine. However, once we were in a group of four or so, I was the outside. Mind you, these were my good friends during high school. It's the same thing at work - well, not quite, 'cause I'm not really friends with anyone at work (I'm still confused as to why Lilie took so much offense at that statement. I'm really not. I'm friendly with people from work, but I don't think I'd consider myself friends with anyone from work. Freddie's definitely an exception, as we talk a lot outside of work, but he's probably the only one. I've been talking more with Jess, so that might be another, and Javi, though that's really just a work-based mutual respect thing. If you don't believe me, observe me at a party with the work group. It's... weird to watch. That's not a criticism on any of them, mind you - they've always been quite welcoming. It's just some bad wiring in me. I just really, really don't understand why Lilie took so much offense at Bennigan's when I told her that I'm not really friends with anyone from work. The only thing I can think of is she thought I was including her, or that I was saying I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone I work with, which isn't the case. She is the counterpoint to each of them, oddly enough.)
But I understand that it's my fault with the whole friend thing (I mean, only being friends with girls, not being boyfriend-worthy material or however you want to put it, not the feeling like an outsider even with groups of my friends thing). Like I was saying before, I'm just not what they want. I've read it, I've talked to girls, I know - girls like it when you make the move, that kind of thing. That's just an example, though. There's other one, some tied in to the whole "12 year old girl' thing. That, of course, started out as a commentary on my taste in music (Aqua, anyone?). Well, the Care Bears doesn't help, I'm sure.
Anyway.
Yeah, that's probably all I'm good for. The friend.
Lilie, I'm sorry
2004-11-30
CNN.com - Why 'He's Just Not That Into You' - Nov 29, 2004
CNN.com - Why 'He's Just Not That Into You' - Nov 29, 2004
My favorite part:
My favorite part:
|
2004-10-25
Follow your heart; your intuition; It will lead you in the right direction - Jewel
I think I'm going to start labeling the artists on my post titles, where applicable.
Back to catching up on the Lilie saga (soon to be released in hardcover):
I finally get out of work slightly ahead of Shelley, and call Lilie and tell her I told Shelley to come along. She seemed okay with this, so we talked about going to the movie. I knew it started at "7 something", so we decided on 7:30 (it made sense at the time. I think). I got there a little early, being lonely and having no life (well, that's changing now - it's like Monday, October 25th as I finally get around to writing this. I think I'm a week or two behind. But that's because of my recent sleeping disorder. Which is an odd name for it, since it involves sleeping the average amount of time for normal people.) They got there around 7:45 or so. Turns out that "something" was "o' clock", so the movie was out. We (they) decided to go to Joe's Crab Shack instead. I'd only been there once, with the family, a long time ago.
I was a little behind them going in, since I had to pause and put my shoes on. They had chosen a booth near the entrance and sat next to each other on one side, leaving the other side for me.
(Damn. I'm in the music library typing this, and my battery on my MP3 player/camera just died. My fault for not charging it in like five days or something.)
We talked. Shelley is, as it turns out, bat-shit insane. Completely. I mean, I am too, as is Lilie, but I didn't know Shelley was as well. I should have suspected as much upon learning how much her and Lilie hung out, but I never really was faced with the glaring reality of the situation, which pales in comparison to my pre-conceiived notion. Of the scalar quantity of the bat-shit which is equivalent to her insanity.
Or something like that.
I was being really shy, really quiet. It was mainly becase this was really the first time I'd hung out with Shelley outside of work, and you'll (whoever you are) be glad to know that I'm quite over that now (as I'll reveal when/if/no, definitely when I finally get caught up with my life. Which used to take five seconds, so I guess being two weeks behind is something of an improvement.)
Shelley did most of the talking, and the majority of the talking Lilie and I did was in response to her. She's definitely the most-extroverted of the three of us (well, there was a time when I could stake a decent challenge to that throne, but for now, it's definitely hers, with Lilie a close second). She made a number of comments on the group of frat boys hanging out at the bar - comments about how she wouldn't mind sticking her toungue down the throat of a few, or all, of them. Or something like that.
Turns out she's really, really into sex. Lots of it. As, I learned that night (during the converation, not first-hand) is Lilie. In fact, they frequently commented on their similiarities. Shelley asked me, point-blank and without any real preamble, why I liked Lilie and not her. That's kind of a weird question to ask someone, but it seemed to fit. However, I was very much on the defensive at that point, and wasn't really sure how to answer it. The thing I ended up saying is something that still echoes in my mind as one of my stupider things. Well, not really. I've said some really stupid things, and this wasn't that stupid in comparison. But on an absolute scale, in the context of a guy talking to two hot girls, one of whom he likes and both of whom may like him, it was pretty stupid.
"I met her first."
Yeah. I really said that.
Which isn't the case at all, of course. (For a more in-depth discussion of that topic, see later posts. I don't have time for it right now).
In fact, I'm going to call it here, because I have a test in like fifteen minutes and could use some more studying (because it's an Intro to Fine Arts test).
But I'm taking a day off today (other than this test, of course), and after a good DDR session, am going to go home and (attempt t0) clean my room, watch some MST3K, burn some CDs, and finish this lengthy epic.
Or at least get a few more chapters out of the way.
Back to catching up on the Lilie saga (soon to be released in hardcover):
I finally get out of work slightly ahead of Shelley, and call Lilie and tell her I told Shelley to come along. She seemed okay with this, so we talked about going to the movie. I knew it started at "7 something", so we decided on 7:30 (it made sense at the time. I think). I got there a little early, being lonely and having no life (well, that's changing now - it's like Monday, October 25th as I finally get around to writing this. I think I'm a week or two behind. But that's because of my recent sleeping disorder. Which is an odd name for it, since it involves sleeping the average amount of time for normal people.) They got there around 7:45 or so. Turns out that "something" was "o' clock", so the movie was out. We (they) decided to go to Joe's Crab Shack instead. I'd only been there once, with the family, a long time ago.
I was a little behind them going in, since I had to pause and put my shoes on. They had chosen a booth near the entrance and sat next to each other on one side, leaving the other side for me.
(Damn. I'm in the music library typing this, and my battery on my MP3 player/camera just died. My fault for not charging it in like five days or something.)
We talked. Shelley is, as it turns out, bat-shit insane. Completely. I mean, I am too, as is Lilie, but I didn't know Shelley was as well. I should have suspected as much upon learning how much her and Lilie hung out, but I never really was faced with the glaring reality of the situation, which pales in comparison to my pre-conceiived notion. Of the scalar quantity of the bat-shit which is equivalent to her insanity.
Or something like that.
I was being really shy, really quiet. It was mainly becase this was really the first time I'd hung out with Shelley outside of work, and you'll (whoever you are) be glad to know that I'm quite over that now (as I'll reveal when/if/no, definitely when I finally get caught up with my life. Which used to take five seconds, so I guess being two weeks behind is something of an improvement.)
Shelley did most of the talking, and the majority of the talking Lilie and I did was in response to her. She's definitely the most-extroverted of the three of us (well, there was a time when I could stake a decent challenge to that throne, but for now, it's definitely hers, with Lilie a close second). She made a number of comments on the group of frat boys hanging out at the bar - comments about how she wouldn't mind sticking her toungue down the throat of a few, or all, of them. Or something like that.
Turns out she's really, really into sex. Lots of it. As, I learned that night (during the converation, not first-hand) is Lilie. In fact, they frequently commented on their similiarities. Shelley asked me, point-blank and without any real preamble, why I liked Lilie and not her. That's kind of a weird question to ask someone, but it seemed to fit. However, I was very much on the defensive at that point, and wasn't really sure how to answer it. The thing I ended up saying is something that still echoes in my mind as one of my stupider things. Well, not really. I've said some really stupid things, and this wasn't that stupid in comparison. But on an absolute scale, in the context of a guy talking to two hot girls, one of whom he likes and both of whom may like him, it was pretty stupid.
"I met her first."
Yeah. I really said that.
Which isn't the case at all, of course. (For a more in-depth discussion of that topic, see later posts. I don't have time for it right now).
In fact, I'm going to call it here, because I have a test in like fifteen minutes and could use some more studying (because it's an Intro to Fine Arts test).
But I'm taking a day off today (other than this test, of course), and after a good DDR session, am going to go home and (attempt t0) clean my room, watch some MST3K, burn some CDs, and finish this lengthy epic.
Or at least get a few more chapters out of the way.
2004-10-20
I want to be an illusion
Haven't posted for a week or so.
Things have been crazy, and I've been sleeping a lot. So we'll get back to what's happened this week (not much, by the way).
But I did just have a crazy dream. I don't remember parts of it, but I did make out with Lilie at the end. For a little bit. Then she said something about me having to decide, because if we continued, it would lead to sex, and she knew I'm usually... hesitant about that.
Eerie. Well, not that much, since we're just friends. But still kinda eerie.
Things have been crazy, and I've been sleeping a lot. So we'll get back to what's happened this week (not much, by the way).
But I did just have a crazy dream. I don't remember parts of it, but I did make out with Lilie at the end. For a little bit. Then she said something about me having to decide, because if we continued, it would lead to sex, and she knew I'm usually... hesitant about that.
Eerie. Well, not that much, since we're just friends. But still kinda eerie.
2004-06-18
What a bizarre dream
I just had a dream about Katie.
Wilkinson, not Fink, which was kinda weird. Well, I've been sleeping a lot in little increments lately, which usually causes me to have weird dreams (or aids me in remembering the weird ones I have every night, perhaps), and Freddie and I were discussing whether or not Katie still worked at Sonic last night, both of which probably helped contribute to the dream.
I don't remember all the specifics, but I do remember a few things.
We were both at a hotel for some conference or something weird like that.
I don't know if we were rooming together or what, but we were lying in the same bed (not really next to each other - they were really big beds). We were talking about something; I don't really recall what. At some point, we were talking about us - like, our relationship. I said something, she said something about me just wanting sex, and I said no, I didn't really want to have sex just yet, I wanted to build a strong relationship with her. That's when we started making out, then Dave called to make sure I was good to go and woke me up.
Bastard.
But in all seriousness, that was really weird. I mean, Katie (W)'s a really sweet girl, and definitely (other than age and religion) right in the middle of my 'dating parameters', but I don't like her or anything. She's a little young and naive, and very religious (which I don't have a problem with, but creates problems on her end).
Wilkinson, not Fink, which was kinda weird. Well, I've been sleeping a lot in little increments lately, which usually causes me to have weird dreams (or aids me in remembering the weird ones I have every night, perhaps), and Freddie and I were discussing whether or not Katie still worked at Sonic last night, both of which probably helped contribute to the dream.
I don't remember all the specifics, but I do remember a few things.
We were both at a hotel for some conference or something weird like that.
I don't know if we were rooming together or what, but we were lying in the same bed (not really next to each other - they were really big beds). We were talking about something; I don't really recall what. At some point, we were talking about us - like, our relationship. I said something, she said something about me just wanting sex, and I said no, I didn't really want to have sex just yet, I wanted to build a strong relationship with her. That's when we started making out, then Dave called to make sure I was good to go and woke me up.
Bastard.
But in all seriousness, that was really weird. I mean, Katie (W)'s a really sweet girl, and definitely (other than age and religion) right in the middle of my 'dating parameters', but I don't like her or anything. She's a little young and naive, and very religious (which I don't have a problem with, but creates problems on her end).
2003-12-24
Mom still isn't home. It's 3 am now. She should be home. I mean, she's a big girl, she can take care of herself. But she left almost 9 hours ago, and we haven't heard from her at all. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stay up. Janelle went to sleep probably an hour or so ago. Seriously, why does she have a cell phone if she doesn't take it with her for times like this? We can't call her, and she hasn't called us since she left. She did stop in briefly around 5:30 or 6 when I was vacuuming and moping the house; she said she was going to the grocery store. She might have gone to do some last minute Christmas shopping, but Janelle and I thought she had finished that. I just wish she would have called.
There's not much I can do about Mom. However, there is something I can do about Suzie, who I also care about a geat deal.
She's going to be in town tomorrow and Thursday; we're going to hang out tomorrow for a while. I'm going to take her by Rose's house so they can meet. I think they'll get along great, personally, and Rose really wants to meet Suzie. I also turned in my schedule request for next week - Wednesday through Sunday. I hope to leave then, and come back Saturday with Suzie, and spend the whole time with her, in her arms. And in her, if she gets her way ;)
Which brings me to my topic for this evening. When I first started going out with Suzie, I used the phrase "I may have bitten off more than I can chew" several times, and she kept asking me what I meant. Well, I think this is it. We're quite different, but I think it's very evident in the realm of sex. Different expectations, different timelines, different experience, etc. I'm not saying it's a bad thing - differences bring variety and interest into a relationship, and you compliment each other. But this is really staring to show. She's in Galveston for Winter holiday, so we've been talking on the phone a lot. During one conversation, she made several comments about being sexually frustrated, complained about a lack of sex (well, that was through Jonathan on IM, but it was earlier in the day), and.. yeah. During the bowling party, she tried to convince Freddie take my shfit Monday night, and told him that she really needed to get laid, and wanted me to come down there so she could pounce on me (or something to that effect). While we were talking tonight, we actually talked about sex and her horniness at great length. She was talking about her birth control shot, and its effect on her - apparently, it makes her more emotional, tender, and, well, horny. To paraphrase her, it makes her as horny as a "normal" guy (which I fall quite short of, apparently - which I guess is good, because I never wanted to be seen as normal). She made a comment about wishing I had a perverted side - which I do. It was an... interesting conversation. She then had me playing some weird - but fun - game with her, which I believe was an attempt to engage in, well, phone sex, I think. I don't know why I'm so hesitant. I mean, I kinda do - I realized the other night at work that I still see myself as a little kid, even though I'm 21 and a junior in college. That's one of the reasons I'm hesitant to do things like take even a sip of alcohol, even on my birthday, buy beer for other people, and have sex. The Mindy factor can't be discounted, of course. But I love Suzie.
Wow, I said it. Well, I need to say it to her. But yeah.
I WILL NOT lose Suzie for the same reason I lost Mary and Crystal (I mean, overall, I'm better off by far losing those two two weeks and a month into our relationships, respectively, but the circumstances are similiar enough to warrant the comparison). It's such a weird situation. We'll see what happens later today when I pick her up in Wimberley. We might just hang out there and watch a movie or something; although I hope to go by Rose's house as well.
4:18 am, and still no Mom. I'm really tired, and need to get up in the morning to mow, but WHERE IS SHE?
There's not much I can do about Mom. However, there is something I can do about Suzie, who I also care about a geat deal.
She's going to be in town tomorrow and Thursday; we're going to hang out tomorrow for a while. I'm going to take her by Rose's house so they can meet. I think they'll get along great, personally, and Rose really wants to meet Suzie. I also turned in my schedule request for next week - Wednesday through Sunday. I hope to leave then, and come back Saturday with Suzie, and spend the whole time with her, in her arms. And in her, if she gets her way ;)
Which brings me to my topic for this evening. When I first started going out with Suzie, I used the phrase "I may have bitten off more than I can chew" several times, and she kept asking me what I meant. Well, I think this is it. We're quite different, but I think it's very evident in the realm of sex. Different expectations, different timelines, different experience, etc. I'm not saying it's a bad thing - differences bring variety and interest into a relationship, and you compliment each other. But this is really staring to show. She's in Galveston for Winter holiday, so we've been talking on the phone a lot. During one conversation, she made several comments about being sexually frustrated, complained about a lack of sex (well, that was through Jonathan on IM, but it was earlier in the day), and.. yeah. During the bowling party, she tried to convince Freddie take my shfit Monday night, and told him that she really needed to get laid, and wanted me to come down there so she could pounce on me (or something to that effect). While we were talking tonight, we actually talked about sex and her horniness at great length. She was talking about her birth control shot, and its effect on her - apparently, it makes her more emotional, tender, and, well, horny. To paraphrase her, it makes her as horny as a "normal" guy (which I fall quite short of, apparently - which I guess is good, because I never wanted to be seen as normal). She made a comment about wishing I had a perverted side - which I do. It was an... interesting conversation. She then had me playing some weird - but fun - game with her, which I believe was an attempt to engage in, well, phone sex, I think. I don't know why I'm so hesitant. I mean, I kinda do - I realized the other night at work that I still see myself as a little kid, even though I'm 21 and a junior in college. That's one of the reasons I'm hesitant to do things like take even a sip of alcohol, even on my birthday, buy beer for other people, and have sex. The Mindy factor can't be discounted, of course. But I love Suzie.
Wow, I said it. Well, I need to say it to her. But yeah.
I WILL NOT lose Suzie for the same reason I lost Mary and Crystal (I mean, overall, I'm better off by far losing those two two weeks and a month into our relationships, respectively, but the circumstances are similiar enough to warrant the comparison). It's such a weird situation. We'll see what happens later today when I pick her up in Wimberley. We might just hang out there and watch a movie or something; although I hope to go by Rose's house as well.
4:18 am, and still no Mom. I'm really tired, and need to get up in the morning to mow, but WHERE IS SHE?
