Don't you have somewhere to go?

So I know it's clichè, but what with time being an arbitrary concept and all, New Year's provides just as good a time to reflect as anything. A good time to look back at the last year, see where I am, where I'm going, what's coming up.

Let's start with what happened recently. I worked New Year's Eve, which isn't a big deal. I usually do - last year, the year before that, the year before that, but the year before that, I think I was with Suzie in Galveston. I remember three New Year's ago, when I got off from Sonic, was driving home, Mom called me from All Niter, her and Jerry were there, we sat on the patio and had breakfast. Lilie drove by. Good times. So anyway.

I spent this New Year's making pizzas. Luckily, I wasn't taking an order or anything when the ball dropped (which is my way of saying "Midnight struck"). Just kind of standing there. I was very aware of when it was. Bill and Chris were my closing drivers, but they were both out on runs. They were pretty much running nonstop 'til the end of the night. I got a few calls around midnight - Danielle called, that was awesome. Hadn't really talked to her or anything in quite a while. Danielle and Jenni both called, that was fun. Had a few drunks order some pizza in person, that's always fun. I think part of my aversion to drinking is how very, very much I hate talking to drunk people. I hear it's not so bad when you're also drunk. Whatever.

I went to Wal-Mart after work, picked up some juice and stuff. Of course, Rebecca was my cashier. Good times. She was smiling a lot. I'm not naive enough to think she was smiling because of me, but it was definitely at, and I'll take my victories where I can get them.

[Sidenote: I'm watching "Blonde Ambition" while typing this. Atrocious movie. Jessica Simpson's character is a country bumpkin stuck in the big city. She doesn't know how to ride a bike. I'll let that sink in a for a moment. At least Rachael Leigh Cook is in it. She's awesome. Also, apparently, she did the voice of Tifa Lockhart in most of the Final Fantasy adaptations, post-VII. Good stuff.]

Anyway, it really helped dispel all the bad vibes I got from her on Christmas Eve with Jenni. Moving on. I had to give Rose a ride home the next night, she needed to go to Wal-Mart that night. We spent about fifteen minutes in the hair care aisle, she needed some conditioner without certain chemicals in it. Or something, I don't know. I keep my head shaved. Whatever. We had to go through sporting goods for a thermos or something. For whatever reason, I picked up a baseball bat. I started carrying that around for a while. It's a guy thing. Whatever.

So we took the corner towards electronics, and she's standing there right next to the Guitar Hero demo. Long story short, she's watching electronics during lunch, and the other girl, the one playing very badly in training mode, was on lunch. I felt kind of weird holding on to the bat, but I went with it. Rose kind of took off, went to finish her shopping. The girl playing finished the song, realized the game probably wasn't for her. Rebecca and I talked a little while the other girl (she needs a name if I'm going to bring her up very many more times in this story; 'other girl' and 'that girl' is starting to get a little repetitive). She said something about her brother who 'has like, every video game system ever' and apparently doesn't like girls that much because they talk to much and prevent him from playing his games. Good times. She thinks he might be gay. Or something. She didn't want to play, because her eyes don't focus fast enough. She said something about the doctor telling her she needs to exercise her eyes more, and she's annoyed, because the last thing she wants is another doctor telling her she needs to exercise more. Or something.

[How the F did they get Rachael Leigh Cook for this piece of crap? It's awesomely tragic. Oh, crap, Willie Nelson. He must really like Jessica Simpson, or something.]

So she - that other girl - finishes, and asks Rebecca if she wants to play, so she turns to me and asks me if I want to. I hesitantly accepted. I went with 'Hit Me With Your Best Shot', because I know the song really well. I did 98%-ish. It was great, because my hands were sweaty. I'm a big, big guy, and I like to think I do some physically demanding things - I play racquetball, I play DDR. I sweat a lot during those times, but my hands stay dry. They don't sweat at all. Ever.

But they were sweating the whole time I played the song. I guess that means I was really, really nervous. Which I was. Which means I actually like her.

Crazy.

Moving on.

So I finished the song, put down the guitar, said something to the effect of "That's not really fair, 'cause I play this all the time.", picked up the baseball bat I set down by the demo unit, and walked off. I had no idea what was going on. I found Rose, and we went about our shopping. She asked me where the latex gloves were, so I went and asked Rebecca. We talked a bit.

Oh, I was still holding the baseball bat. It wouldn't be right without it.

We talked a little bit; she told me a story about her boyfriend. I'm still debating the point of the story. It could go any number of ways - maybe she was just making small talk (it was a funny story, after all), or just sharing about her New Year's Eve / life stuff, or, quite possibly,

[Major plot hole. This is what I don't get. If they want Jessica Simpson's character to be that idiot's secretary so they can manipulate her, why are they constantly sabotaging her plans? Wouldn't they want to help her and have her do well, so she would gain his trust and thus be a more valuable asset in their plan? I guess that's what I get for trying to actually follow the plot of a movie that makes fun of Norwegians for no real reason. It's not so much making fun of them, as it is randomly having them do karaoke - 'Baby Got Back', no less - in the most horrendous accents I've ever heard.]

[Oh gosh. Here comes the montage where the small-town girl grows accustomed to her big-city job, but turns her back on her small-town roots. I'm already looking forward to the moment of truth where she decides, momentously, to re-embrace her values.]

or, quite possibly, as a way to remind me that she has a boyfriend. (Of course, best-case is that she was reminding herself, because she was afraid she was forgetting. Probably not, but it's fun to dream.)

Moving on.

We got the gloves, we went home.

So yeah, that was fun.

Now, about reminiscing and stuff.

Let's start with work.

I started the New Year working at Wal-Mart. Literally - as usual, I was working that night. Worked there until early April, when Javi called me and asked me if I wanted to come back to Sonic. Ashley Hopkins lent a lot of credence to that argument, and I walked out. That was fun. What was really, really fun about that was that Ambra had started working there by that point, she was also working that night. Lots of freight, understaffed, all the greatest hits we know and love from working at Wal-Mart.

I started at Sonic a week later. It was, well, interesting. Ashley ended up quitting, so did Javi. I ended up working around seventy hours a week. I didn't mind the hours - one week, I had about ninety hours, that was a nice paycheck. Overall, it was a good turning point - allowed me to build a decent reserve really fast (I moved back home around the same time, worked out well). The problem I had at Sonic? Well, it was two-fold. First, as it often the case with crappy service jobs, everyone there hated working it. Now, the thing about these jobs is that the co-workers often make it bearable. That wasn't the case - they had really, really bad attitudes. I can name a few off the top of my head, but it's really not worth it. The second issue was Bubba. He was cool at first, until I got to know him. Not hiring people, not taking an active hand in his store, underordering, argh. I got sick of it.

Luckily, Sergio called from Domino's and asked me if I wanted to come be an assistant for him, as he had just gotten the store. I thought about it, but I was afraid. I hate big decisions; I seem to always mess them up. Of course, I felt pretty good about that one. I put in my two weeks at Sonic, walked out a week later. I've been working at Domino's ever since. Of course, my work history now goes Sonic - Domino's - Wal-Mart - Sonic - Domino's. Good stuff. There was a two day stint at CRI, which isn't really even worth mentioning (well, except for that).

So, yeah. Been working 40-50 (more like 45, not so much 50 anymore) hours a week there, 5-C five times a week.

There's work.

Living Situation.

Not much to talk about here. I was living at Les Chateaux, but I moved home. It does make me feel kind of a loser and all, being twenty-five, working at Domino's, being completely single, morbidly obese, good times. Of course, I'm working on all of those things. I'm twenty-five and don't have a degree, but I am back in school. I'm funding that with Domino's, and I'm working on my weight. Good stuff. Oh, and I pay rent.

[Holy crap, this movie sucks.]

Social:

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Not much to say here. Thankfully, Lilie is no longer a part of my life in any way. Passed her on Thanksgiving, didn't answer when she called. I still think about her occasionally, during depression spirals,

[This scene is actually humorous.]

but that's not really specific to her - that's more about her being the last person I was that close to, and her being such a major part of my life for so long. Comparatively speaking, of course.

So yeah, single and probably going to stay that way for a while. No real prospects or anything. I mean, I kind of have a thing for Rebecca,

[Extreme Sports Bonanza? I miss Rachael Leigh Cook pretending to be part of the marina group.]

Moving on.

but I'm not going to delude myself into thinking that anything's going to happen there.

[Now the running to find his true love and prevent a misunderstanding from becoming a tragedy. Gyp and Buddy could have written a more imaginative, if more cheese-oriented, screenplay.]

So what's in store for this year? School. Work. Getting in shape. Taking control of my life, maybe growing up a little (not too much, don't worry).

So, resolutions? Not sure. I'm cutting dairy almost entirely out of my diet, but that's not a resolution so much as it is a 'I don't want to feel like crap, I'm lactose intolerant' kind of thing. I'm going to be back in school, but that's too much of a thing that's like, interwoven into your life to be a New Year's Resolution. The same goes for health things. I'll get back to you on that one.

Ashlee Simpson -- Boyfriend

Never ever have I ever felt so low

So Jess asked me today how things are going with Ambra, and Felicia and I touched on that topic when she called about getting some stuff for the Steak Fanatic pizza, since she was about to run out and the office decided at the last minute to prolong the period of time in which we're offering the disgusting abomination. Yeah.

In both cases, I didn't really have an answer. Well, I did, kinda. The answer I had was that there wasn't anything to be going. I think that's my fault, as I haven't really pursued anything yet, mainly due to our schedules. Well, that, and I don't think I'm in an emotional state to even consider seeing someone else, when I can't seem to get past the last person I saw. I don't think it would be fair, the whole thing just sort of screams 'rebound' to me. So every time the oppurtunity arises, I passively let it go. Which got me to thinking about whether or not I should even try. I mean, first off, I'm not over Lilie, not by a long shot. Her stopping by work today and talking was enough to send me to the walk-in, crying, after she left, which was fun. Yeah. But something occurred to me about my relationship history the other day. Generally speaking, if the past is any indicator, this (Ambra) would end up being a disaster, or not ending well, or something like that, for the simple reason that someone else didn't do the hard part already.

That sounds a little weird, so I'm going to go dredging about in my past, a favorite pasttime of mine, and categorize my relationships by some new standards and see what patterns emerge. It should be fun.

Chelsea

Ah, yes, the one that started it all. Now, to be fair, you can't really even call this one a relationship. I mean, holy crap, we were kids. To be fair, yeah, a lot of kids are pursuing relationships - or some twisted version of it - this young, but I sure as hell didn't know what was going on.

• Initiation: Completely by myself. No help, nothing from her.
  
• Duration: A year, from the beginning to the end, but there's a lot of holes in the middle.
  
• Quality: Terrible. As I said, I had no frickin' clue what the hell was going on. My connection to reality has always been tenuous at best, and it was particularly weak concerning the fairer sex when I was younger (not to imply, by contrast, that it's any better now.)
  
• How: She finally realized that the entire thing was a terrible idea, had nothing to do with reality, and ended it. I appluad her for the action.
  
• Now: We never really talked before hand - I was too nervous - and not much after - I was too embarrassed. So, yeah.
  

Overall, a complete disaster. And it was all me. Isolated incident, or ignored foretelling? We'll see.

Shayna

I moped around a lot after Chelsea dumped me; one day, in Gamez's Algebra I class, Shayna raised her hand and asked, "Can I go over to Billy's desk and talk to him to make sure he's okay?" And gosh darn it, she did.

• Initiation: It was kind of a natural progression from the concern she showed for me, and the whole thing kind of grew out of that. I can't remember who asked who out, but the whole thing started from her.
  
• Duration: A couple months? I remember telling her I had a crush on Barbara in Ms. Baker's science class, which was still eighth grade, so I'm going to go with about three months, give or take.
  
• Quality: Pretty good, all things considered. Looking back, I'd say we clicked on certain things, and didn't really on other things, but more so positive than negative.
  
• How: She started things off when she came over and checked on me, and moved the whole thing along, until I torpedoed it all to hell. I'm pretty good at that. Told her I had written Barbara a secret-admirer letter, and that was pretty much that.
  
• Now: Friendly all the way through high school, but I haven't talked to her since. We're friends on MySpace, but haven't actually had any communication since. Good stuff.
  

She started things off, and they went well, until I ended them in my own special way. Inconclusive so far.

Barbara

So I developed a crush on Barbara, and pursued it. We went out for a while. I want to say sometime in April until band camp in the summer of our freshman year. Yeah, that sounds about right - her birthday was in late April, and I went to that as her boyfriend (or whatever), and I remember Josh giving me her break-up note after practice one day in summer band.

• Initiation: I asked her out after telling her I liked her. Nothing from anybody else.
  
• Duration: A few months. Five?
  
• Quality: Meh. We wrote letters back and forth almost every day, and went on a few outings - mainly movies, that I can remember. The Saint, Empire Strikes Back (I think), and Volcano spring to mind.
  
• How: We wrote letters back and forth all the time, so she broke up with me via letter - gave it to Josh to give to me after he was sure she'd left. In it, she said that I was "Immature" and two other things I don't really remember. She later (several years later) told me that she actually felt smothered. Fair enough.
  
• Now: We eventually started talking again later in high school after she spent most of freshmen year ignoring me (actively), except when her and Terri needed help in Biology, since Dufas was really, really bizarre and I was one of the few people who was able to figure out just what the hell he was trying to teach us on any given day. Spent some time with her via David a year or more ago, but nothing recent.
  

So this one is kinda like Chelsea - I started the whole thing, no third party help and nothing from her, and it was... well, lukewarm, for lack of a better word, and it ended with almost no warning.

Mary

Not going to go through the whole thing with Mary, since it lasted... three weeks, if that? I'll just mention that she asked me out within two weeks of school starting, we went on one date, and then she broke up with me. Fun stuff.

Crystal

Almost the exact same pattern as above. Hmm...

Kenni

Ah, Kenni. These were the good old days. Now that I think about it, I'm probably going to drop the structed list format and just kind of ramble. I met her at a pool party when Kristina asked if she could bring her little sister, which she did. Didn't think much of it at the time, 'til school started. Kenni was a freshman; I was a junior. Every morning, she'd come find me and give me a big hug and wish me a good day. Didn't matter where I was - in the cafetaria, chess club, or doing random tutoring in an equally random classroom - every morning, a good-morning hug. I eventually realized that that might be a sign, talked to Kristina about it briefly, asked her mom for permission, then went for it. Great relatiionship - we hung out a lot, enjoyed each other's company, gave each other our first kiss after the Homecoming Dance... good memories. It ended rather abruptly, because of a third party, it had nothing to do with either of us. So yeah, fairly successful, overall, and she started it.

Mindy

I'll try to keep this one brief. Crystal introduced us, since she thought we'd be good for each other, and Mindy wanted an older boyfriend. We hit it off very well right from the start, and had a long (at least by my standards - a year and a half) rollar-coaster relationship. We broke up and got back together eight times, and were a *bunch* of firsts for each other. Finally ended when I started going to UT. Fairly successful overall, and Crystal started it for us.

Suzie

She im'ed me one evening about what a jackalope was, and when we finally started hanging out, she dropped a ton of hints - we were sitting in her bed, and she had me start brushing her hair, a few others, until she finally takes me to this empty beach at like three am, and we had a moonlight stroll with the tide gently lapping at our ankles. I kissed her, she kissed me back, and we launched a four month relationship that lasted until I broke up with her on February 1st.

Lilie

Credit for this one goes to Kristen and Allison, who seriously tried to hook us up, and talked too much about it, respectively. The thought crossed my mind a few times during the relationship if it would have happened without their actions. Meh. Another fairly successful relationship brought about by other people's actions.

Sara

We only went on one date, but this was one that I pursued unilaterally, without second or third party assistance. Bombed when she found out I was an atheist, and told me she wouldn't be comfortable dating someone outside her religion.

Terri

Sort of skipped her, but I threw out any pretense of order a while back, and I'm approaching stream-of-consciousness writing here. We have a longer history than Mindy and I, and most likely just as tangled. It's really hard to say anything about this one in this context, though I remember one evneing at the Alkek library when she was definitely pushing hard to the hoop.

I guess the idea I'm trying to explore is that by far, my successful relationships have been those that were initiated by or came to fruitation through the acions of someone else, even the girl in question - Lilie, Mindy, Kenni, Suzie; whereas those that I initiated completely on my own - Barbara, Heather, Sara - tended to be lukewarm, go nowhere, and end relatively quickly or never even start. Now, it's not a definite rule - look at Crystal and Mary for very good counter-examples. However, as a general hypothesis, it does seem to fit most of the current evidence fairly well. Now, as to why, I have no idea. Granted, there's probably more of a confidence boost when there's definite signals coming in, and the fear of rejection is much, much less. That, and there's several layers of filtering already done, so any early flags that might have been thrown have already been cleared. However, I've never liked depending on other people to carry important messages for me - I'd rather do it myself.

I came to this realization almost a month ago during some reminiscing. I think it scares me, because as I grow more and more socially isolated, the chances of having that third party assistance - which, for the record, I've never solicited - declines rather steadily, not to say anything of the likelihood of second party signals.

I don't think much of this post makes sense, but I'm going to go with it anyway.


All Saints -- Never Ever

Dream quickies

Weird dreams:

Suzie, a ride, making out.

Kenni, a bake sale, Lucas.

Some kind of train?

I'm going to leave now and play DDR with Cullen.

And continue my rampage.

Only if I could turn back time, I'd give my heart again, do it all again

"You know that place between asleep and awake , that place where you still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll always be waiting."

-Tinkerbell (Julia Roberts), Hook

I love that quote. I've been spending a lot of time there, which is why I've been remembering my dreams lately. I'm just off-kilter, unable to find my center, and that's a place of refuge for me.

Anyway.

The one I had last night (Tuesday night) was really weird. I was back in high school, at a football game with the band. But there weren't that many of us, as would be evidenced when we went to march and there was only a tiny portion of our formation. But I'm jumping ahead of myself. The first oddity is that our band and the other band were sitting on my front lawn. Well, our band was sitting on Ms. Adam's yard, and the other band (Hays?) was sitting on my front yard. They kept playing this one song to taunt us, and Mar called me, Chris Freshour, and some other guy over to figure out how to play it. The football game was going on at an NFL-caliber stadium, which I guess was connected to my yard. Just one of those dream oddities. Anyway, we went to march at halftime, and a lot of our formation was missing, but I could still see what it should have looked like, had anyone been there. I think I recall Mar saying something about how it was still a preseason game or something, and that's why so many people were missing.

Work was... interesting. Dennis is being an unbelievable bitch; I'm going to have to talk to Dave tomorrow about him. Speaking of which, I found out tonight that there's a manager meeting at 2 with Todd, which will be fun. Dave said we didn't have to dress up, so I fully intend to go wearing what I'm wearing now - sleeping pants and a really comfortable t-shirt. Or maybe not... maybe I'll change into my green pants. We'll see. Anyway.

I just fell asleep, then woke up; it's like 10:40. Adam just called, asking if I would come in for Dora. Hell, no. Usually, I would - I'm fairly good about coming in to cover other people's shifts; however, I don't like him. It's not just that, though. It's more that I can't stand that place right now. I feel it as soon as I walk in, and it stays with me until I leave. Argh, and I have to go to a manager meeting at 2 as well. That'll be fun. It's just... I've lost my center right now, and I can't find it. That's always been very important for me, and without it, I tend to be thrown off-course a lot.

Anyway.

Lord of the Rings: The Third Age is great. One of the most compelling RPG's I've played in a long time. Star Ocean 3 is cool, but I can only take it in small doses. FFX-2 is cool, but can get repititious at times. People have accussed them of stealing elements from other games, but it works out just fine. The battle system has definite elements of FFX - you see the action order on the upper right, and actions happen immediately, and have a cool-down time, as opposed to a charge up time. You can also press L1 to switch party members in and out, as you get 3 people in the active party during battle. The battle engine is very reminiscent of FFX and X-2 as well. One change I really like is that you get to equip your characters with a full suite of equipment, something that's been missing from recent FF games. I'll post a list of the different slots, but I suspect it's almost 10, not counting accessories. There's 109 FMV cutscenes; you can access any previously earned one at any time. All o f them are edited scenes from the movies, though, with voiceovers. There is a lot of in-game cutscenes as well, which I also enjoy. Overall, I feel like I'm playing D&D. And that's just great. Fitting, too, since D&D is more or less based on Lord of the Rings.

Had a weird conversation with Suzie last night after work. She was playing the part of the relentlessly upbeat optimist, and I, the depressed apathetic pessimist. Not quite a reversal of roles, but odd enough. I think it might just be the pregnancy. Come to think of it, I don't know how pregnant she is, or when the baby's due, or anything like that. All I know is, she didn't waste any time - we broke up February 1st, and I think she was married within three months. Something like that.

Anyway.

Not much else going on lately. Haven't played DDR since before Christmas, which is bad. Haven't played D&D with the guys... damn, it's been a while. However, I have already let them know I want to come back, and they've been quite receptive. I think I'd also like to run my own campaign again at some point.

I won't stand in your way

I always wondered how this would play out.

Now I know.

He's going to be there. Or rather, I should say, he is there.

I went over to their apartment today, after work, to hang out with Shelley for a while, since she was all alone and we hadn't seen each other in like a week or so. During the course of the conversation, she let it out that Sean was flying down to spend a few days with Lilie, and that's why she was down there so long - the wedding was Saturday.

I didn't know that. I really had no idea. Shelley was sure Lilie had told me, because "that's all she's been talking about for so long".

Nope. Never came up. Not that I blame her, of course - it's not like that was a popular topic of conversation for the two of us.

But then again, it did come up a few times. Most notably, a week ago. No mention there.

Shelley also mentioned that there was the possibility of him moving in with them (her). That's good to know.

I'm curious if she would ever have told me.

I know now that things are over between us. I feel used. I don't know if she really did use me, or it was subconscious...

No, wait. Fuck that.

Here's some choice snippets from our conversation last week, the night after I attempted to end things between us:

mrbinkyjackalope: And it was becoming too much like an actual 'relationship' mrbinkyjackalope: and there were times when I'd forget that we weren't together. mrbinkyjackalope: That's fun. TigrLily69: =/ TigrLily69: Sometimes I forget a little bit too...

TigrLily69: I guess I've just gotten comfortable with us the way we are... mrbinkyjackalope: Were you? TigrLily69: I liked it.

mrbinkyjackalope: How does that square with having a boyfriend, though? mrbinkyjackalope: And "I don't know" doesn't count. TigrLily69: I know you said not to say it, but I don't know...it probably stems from Sean being two thousand miles away. Something about that situation still seems kinda surreal.

mrbinkyjackalope: Can I ask you something fairly personal that I've always been curious about? What is y'all's situation? If you don't want to answer, feel free to say so - I won't be offended. TigrLily69: It's...we're together, but because it's long distance...forgive the repeating, but it seems kinda surreal, I guess. It's hard to explain... mrbinkyjackalope: I mean, how would you feel if he had something like what we have going on? TigrLily69: You forget...I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I'm not a jealous person usually. mrbinkyjackalope: You have? TigrLily69: I just...I dunno, I like being close to you, you're sweet and you're good to me, and you're...comfortable, I guess, for lack of better word.

mrbinkyjackalope: You just "accidentally" act like we're a couple? TigrLily69: hell, anyone's gonna be confused BY me, I confuse myself half the time, but I'm not TRYING to confuse anyone, specially you.

mrbinkyjackalope: You have no idea how strong the desire is to just ask you to forget I ever brought it up and go back to the way things were. TigrLily69: TigrLily69: I'll forget you said anything if you want me to.

mrbinkyjackalope: I just don't want to have to feel bad for kissing you. Or for making out with you. Or looking into your eyes and hoping you feel, in some small way, the same thing I do, even if you don't or can't say it or whatever. mrbinkyjackalope: Crap. mrbinkyjackalope: I keep typing things I want to say but don't intend to, just to get them down, and then hit enter before I have a chance to delete them. TigrLily69: I understand though... TigrLily69: And I told you from the start, it's not that I don't, it's that I shouldn't. TigrLily69: And it's cause you type too fast, ya big oaf. ^^

mrbinkyjackalope: What is it you want from me? TigrLily69: I don't KNOW... mrbinkyjackalope: Especially when you end up with your head like *right next* to mine, like, right there? TigrLily69: I just want things to be comfortable... mrbinkyjackalope: What does that mean? TigrLily69: I dunno, I've been comfortable with you with the way things were...but apparently you weren't, so that probably isn't the best solution.

TigrLily69: I don't know...I know the making out is over the line no matter where you put it...but...I dunno, I'm just comfortable with you, it's easy to forget where to stop.

TigrLily69: I only get sad and confused when I actually start trying to figure things out...as long as I drift along in my happy little world and forget there's anything past the four walls around me, I'm fine. ><

mrbinkyjackalope: 1 point for you. TigrLily69: woohoo, I have a point. mrbinkyjackalope: Spend it wisely. TigrLily69: what can I get with it? mrbinkyjackalope: My undying affection? Sorry, out of stock. mrbinkyjackalope: Um.... TigrLily69: pfft. mrbinkyjackalope: A penguin? mrbinkyjackalope: That'd be cool. TigrLily69: nah. mrbinkyjackalope: Octopus? mrbinkyjackalope: I really have no idea. mrbinkyjackalope: You caught me off guard. TigrLily69: hehe TigrLily69: I like the sound of undying affection. mrbinkyjackalope: It'd be a lot easier of it was reciprocated at all... ;) TigrLily69: pfft, it is. TigrLily69: You doubt that?

I really hope they have the fucking time of their lives and move in and get married and spend the rest of their fucking lives together.

I keep oscillating back and forth between indifference, betrayal, and anger.

I can understand her never mentioning this. To a point. But for her to care about me as much as she said, and acted, like she did, I don't buy it.

Fuck it. This is really all my fault. I remember when I first asked her out... she told me that she was sort of seeing someone. But we still kissed. And she initiated the making-out the first time. And I'm fairly certain that by then, she knew about now. Definitely when we had the above conversation. It's one thing to dislike having to deal with reality, it's another to lead someone on you care about in this manner. I really don't know what I'm going to say to her when she gets back. I wonder if she's going to tell me anything - I asked Shelley not to tell her that she told me, because I want to know if/when (but mainly if) she was/is going to tell me. On one hand, it's none of my business - she's an adult, and whatever she wants to do with her life and her time is certainly her choice. On the other hand, she said she cares about me. We had... something. Part of me really feels like she was just stringing me on until now. It really comes down to - why didn't she tell me? How could she keep going with all of this, knowing what was about to transpire?

The next few days will be very interesting.

I'm not that afraid of being alone again - I've been basically alone since Minday. There was a brief interlude with Suzie, but that was, well, WEIRD. INCREDIBLY WEIRD at that. There were a few dates - Sara (1 date, until she found out I was an atheist), Heather (not really, since we were always just friends anyway)... that's about it.

But I think that's one of the reasons I was willing to put up with this situation - being desperately lonely will do strange things to you.

But it's not worth betrayal. Never.

Fly Robin Fly

Now that we've got the summaries out of the way, let's go back and recap some of the more interesting moments of this week.

Unfortunately, I kind of got caught up doing other things, and it's almost time for me to go to work. But I still have a little time. Or something like that.

Mom was trying to open a bottle of wine last night, but couldn't. She had this tiny little bottle opener that wasn't going to do anything, and couldn't get the cork out. She tried having me pull the opener while she held the bottle, but that didn't work either - I ended up just pulling her around the kitchen. Finally, she pulled out her better wine bottle opener, which had a brace and everything. Still no avail; finally, she gave it to me to open. I couldn't get it the normal way, with it in front of me, because I have weak wrists, arms, and chest. However, I put it behind my head and pulled, because I do have strong, um, well, I don't know what they're technically called, but we always called them 'wings', and pulled really hard.

The cork came out, along with some wine. On my plate, on my clothes. That was fun. But hey, it worked.

Tx State is full of idiots. All I hear in my classes is people being confused and thinking that there's too much work. That's one of the key reasons they're letting me get away with what I am - because I actually want to do the work, and can. It really cracks me up sometime. And, now that I have a semester's worth of experience, I feel better qualified to say this - the girls at UT are definitely hotter, on average, then the girls at SWT. Seriously.

In my Intro to Fine Arts class, we were discussing some Fauvistic and Futuristic works, when one of the students - a fairly intelligent fellow, judging on our previous interaction and my observation, said, and I quote, "It's like, woo, ya know?" He is probably in his late 20's or early 30's. I really, really wanted to walk over and smack him.

I have more stuff to write about, including more inane, stream-of-consciousness rambling about Lilie. So that's something to look foward to.

...

Holy crap. I just realized I've started bobbing my head when I type. Kind of light side-to-side motions. Well, not 'started', 'cause I've been doing it for a while. And I know where I picked it up - Suzie. That's just weird.

Like a shooting star across the midnight sky; Whereever you are, you're gonna see me fly

When it rains, it pours.

And I'm in the middle of a flash flood.

So I've been talking to Lilie lately; I'm definitely interested, and all experts I've consulted on the matter agree that there's a good chance of reciprocal interest (well, except one - her. Not that she disagrees; I just have solicited her opinion yet).

Then Suzie IMs me an hour or so ago, and talks to me about some weird stuff Caleb said to her.

But weirdest of all, MINDY HOCH talked to me earlier. I'll give a more in-depth explanation earlier, but suffice to say, that's something that I didn't think was going to happen again. It's WEIRD.

Carrie's Back, and Spider-Man 2 is awesome. And my speech professor is... okay, but not terribly intelligent.

Possible spoilers, I don't know yet.

So Carrie's finally back from NY. That's cool - Carrie's *so* awesome, like a bear. We met at the arcade the second time I went to go see Terri; didn't really talk that much while I was there, but I got her AIM sn, and we started talking when I got back. And we've talked a *lot*. We just kind of clicked. I mean, if we had been in the same area, and had this great connection, there's no doubt we would eventually hooked up. I mean, we just... I don't know. It's hard to explain.

But it's good to hear from her again. She's been gone like all summer, and it's been lonely without her or Rose to talk to online.

Except:

Heather and I have been talking online again. Which is weird - I had almost, almost written her off. In fact, I know her number isn't in my cell anymore, and she was off my buddy list for a while (spring cleaning). But we've more or less picked up right where we left off - well, sort of. I think basically just ignoring the, um, well, you see:

mrbinkyjackalope: :( Heather: ? mrbinkyjackalope: i trusted you mrbinkyjackalope: i liked you Heather: and? Heather: something has changed? mrbinkyjackalope: you fowareded me something mrbinkyjackalope: *fowarded Heather: hahaha mrbinkyjackalope: well, it almost makes it easy to get over you mrbinkyjackalope: well, it would, if i possessed whatever part it is that allows you just move on Heather: you do mrbinkyjackalope: hahahahahahhaahahahahaaha mrbinkyjackalope: i still like you mrbinkyjackalope: i mean like Heather: Im sorry mrbinkyjackalope: when there's really no reason to, as it's abudnantly clear we're always going to be just friends - and don't get me wrong, i'm not dissing that in the slightest - i love it

Don't ask why. I don't understand it myself. This was from October sixth, 2003.

Wait a second... That must have been like, a couple days before I met Suzie. Or she found me. Or whatever.

Weirdness.

Anyway....

So yeah, Spiderman 2 is really, really cool. Jarrod didn't like it, but he's an idiot. Not really. I thought it was great; better than the first. The villian wasn't some super-buff guy who got dosed with strength serum or whatever; he was a flabby, middle aged guy who just happened to have four super arms wielded to his back. He does end up with MJ, which wasn't completely unforeseen, but I think he should have explored other options first, like the chocolate cake chick. She was cute. King Arthur and Anchorman come out Friday, which I am definitely and possibly going to see, respectively.

Speaking of Friday...

I'm going up to play DDR Friday after work, and I will probably crash at Katie and Rose's that night. That'll be cool - I still haven't done that since they moved, and I've only been up there once since. They both still seem to want to talk to me, which is a good thing. Rose is already kinda hooking up with this guy from (her) work, which doesn't surprise me. I don't know what Katie's been up to, but I hope to find out Friday night. I'm going to bring some flowers - not a romantic bouquet, but a house-warming, colorful array. I think it'll work well.

My truck's back in the shop; this time, for a cracked radiator. Which, despite how bad it sounds, isn't that bad at all. I should have it back sometime tomorrow, ready and raring to go.

I'm enjoying my speech class, although the instructor is annoying me as he incessantly repeats himself. But I find that happening in most classes I've taken, which is just a function of my personality.

I stand corrected

Date: Mon, 7 Jun 2004 12:06:30 -0700 (PDT) From: "Suzannah Donaldson" <s_donaldson1984@yahoo.com> Subject: Um To: mr_binky_the_jackalope@yahoo.com

No, I don't comment on your journal, as I would hope you don't to mine. I read your blogger for the first time in a while and I wanted to know why you posted my email? I was saying hello. But I guess that's you... Whatever man, whatever

Fair enough. I just meant the most recent one, on the CD book post, because the time fit. But I stand corrected.

It's Gone

I can effectively rule out "It fell out". I checked the Sonic parking lot, IHOP parking lot, and Dora's place. No dice. Or rather, no CDs. I'm fairly sure at this point they were stolen. There's a lot of punk kids in the neighborhood now, so I think I might have to start watching out for this kind of thing. There's been a few earlier incidents - one time, my CD book and case of B5 tournament decks were both stolen out of my truck while it was in front of my house; another time, they grabbed one of the large rocks in our front yard and put it on my hood. I guess I'm going to have to start locking my doors in my neighborhood. It's so weird to think back to how it used to be here. Oh well...

Got an e-mail from Suzie, who I think has been the one leaving the comments ('cause they aren't signed). Here it is, in its entirity:

Date: Mon, 7 Jun 2004 09:25:16 -0700 (PDT) From: "Suzannah Donaldson" <s_donaldson1984@yahoo.com> Subject: Hell-o To: mr_binky_the_jackalope@yahoo.com

Hi there, it's me, Suzie. Sorry for the last email, I was kind of in a hurry and couldn't type right because I was also holding hot coffee in one hand. Well How are you doing? Fine I hope! Moving into San Marcos August or end of July. Still graduating July 2nd. Have plans with a friend of mine to just live in town. He has a job with a cellphone company (I think, can't remember name of company) and we think it would be awesome to be so close to Gary, since we still have friends on campus. Met some new/old people and found new friends close to my age.. running games of DnD without dice is REALLY dorky. I'm thinking of buying miniatures but not sure where the store is anymore. I know they sell Dark mage or something at Hastings, but not sure if I want to buy those. Well I got to run, have fun with whatever you're doing and laters!! Suzie --

No reply sent, nor do I plan on sending one. I'm not like mad at her nor do I hate her, I just wouldn't know what ot say to her.

Dave called at like 8:30 this morning trying to get me to come in from 11 - 3 or 5 or something. I was basically asleep, but luckily, I was alert enough to pretend I was going out of town, and couldn't come in. He asked me if I could stop by and sign a tip sheet; I said sure. I was a little confused, though, since I already went through the tip sheets, and I didn't have one. Figuring I missed it, I went in and checked. It was Bonelle's. Or someone else's with the last name Martin; the SSN didn't match up.

E-Mail from Suzie

Date: Fri, 14 May 2004 08:31:15 -0700 (PDT) From: "Suzie Donaldson" lilsuz84@yahoo.com Subject: Poo To: mr_binky_the_jackalope@yahoo.com

Hi, how're you doing? Hope fine. Anyhow.I wanted to say hi and stuff, I dont know if I'll have a graduation, but if I do, I am inviting you to it, it is on July the 2nd, and its really awesome because it is the start fo the summe break for Gary.. So that means Jona dn Cd can come with me home yay! ASnyhow! I got to run, just wanted to say HII Buh Bye Suzie You just had near-life experience. -Fight Club

How odd.

Chelsea Williams
Shayna Schiflett
Barbara Deichmann
Mary Alls
Terri Ann Mahan
Kendall "Kenni" Galpin
Crystal Todd
Mindy Lynn Hoch
Nicole "Nikki" Bachle
Suzannah "Suzie" Donaldson


-----------


Dru Dabelgott
Melissa Pickett
Katie Wilkinson


------------

Well, it's done.

Sweet!! She is coming over this weekend - I'll be picking her up on my home from work today. Oh, sweet joy. (No DDR for me this weekend...) Talked to Dave, I will be remaining full-time for this semester. It was too funny. Katie opens with Mark Saturday, and I come in at 7. Katie asked me if I'd come in a little early, to help her open fountain, 'cause she never has before. I was like, "Sure!" I get to bully Mark a bit, help out Katie, and pick up an extra half hour. Fun for all.

Argh, I'm not sure what's going on. Am I supposed to go pick up Suzie? I think so, based on her last email. I'll definitely be there 'bout 5, 5:15 or so. She's been moved to a new dorm, so I can't really call her (yet).

Crap. Just typed a weekend summary, and it got erased. Grr.

So, to recap:

Worked 3 - 10 Friday; played DDR for 3 hours afterwards, wearing the garter Rose gave me (which now resides on my rear view mirror, along with Suzie's pentacle when I'm not wearing it). Got some applause, a few weird looks, and a girl even smiled at me. Which was... weird. And a first.

Played for like 3 hours, which was a lot of fun. Hadn't do it in like a month or so, so it felt really good. I was super sore 'til like Sunday. Got home at like 4 (stopped at Taco Cabana for some food), had to be at work at like 8. So I planned on just staying up 'til I went in.

Yeah, right.

So I woke up AT eight. I said, and I quote, "Shit. Guess I should head in." Got there like 8:20, did the truck. Something like 159 cases. It was fun. Seriously. Came home and went to sleep. Woke up with a HUGE headache, maybe around 7 or 8. Mom gave me some aspirin, and it went away. Jarrod called me and told me that we weren't playing D&D that night, which was kind of disappointing, but oh well. Worked Sunday as well. Also fun. It was INSANELY BUSy, and Rodriquez and I were the only cooks. Fun. I'll talk about the other stuff later - Suzie, Jessica (x2), etc.

Argh.

I love you, Suzie. I'll try calling tomorrow - it's like 10:30 now (just got home from work, read your journal), and I'm leaving, and will be back around 1 or 2. But I work 8 - 3, so I'll try you 'round 5? You know I'm here for you, and will do whatever I can for you. I love you, babe.

Okay, she didn't really send me away. She had a feeling something bad was going to happen, and didn't want me there. So we're okay. She had an okay birthday, as I understand it. I still want to take her out for sushi sometime. Finally got an excuse to cut ties with Jarrod (she really just set him up to trip himself up, and he did. Hard. Those wacky, sperm-filled guys.) She dyed her hair this really really dark red color; it looks pretty. And she keeps talking about cutting her hair. Interesting... I've always favored longer hair on girls, but I've seen a few pictures of her with short hair, and it's still super cute. She left her pentacle necklace here, since people think the wrong things when she wears it at Gary; I'm going to wear it - well, not at home or with family, but at school and DDR and that kind of thing.

Met with Link. He seemed... impressed. And rightly so. Registration is a week from today; things are going to work out, I think. Sounds like I might be able to take some of my classes Distance Learning

[OUCH!! "Tonight on Tough Crowd... blah blah blah... we'll discuss the new trend, "Ball Waxing". Um, no.]

which is good, because the less I have to drive to Austin, the better. Argh. I missed the State of the Union address - I had no idea it was tonight. I don't like politics, but I LOVE comedy - and between Bush and the ridiculous Democrat run-off we've got going on, this race is definitely giving me enough comedy to make it worth watching. It's weird - now that Comedy Central lost SNL, I really haven't watched that much TV anymore - sure, E! got SNL, but they only show 2 episodes a day. So I've really only been watching The Daily Show and the occasional movie on HBO.

Yeah, I really like Suzie.

And I'm lovin' this new fan/light set up. It's so cool! And by cool, I mean thermally speaking.

But my MST3K stuff still hasn't arrived. Barb said it shipped Friday, so I think it should be here sometime this week.

I need to get ToJH into an acceptable alpha state.

She sent me away.

Well, that's really not a fair statement. I originally said I didn't want to stay. And I was acting... odd. I'll get to that in a bit. But I was better, and wanted to stay with her. I wanted to lie with her, to hold her. We could have been lying there together RIGHT NOW... and we're not, and it's my fault. Fucking awesome.

I just wanted her to have a good birhtday. I know her last one was downright terrible, and I suspect some of her others weren't that great. I wanted to take her out to a sushi dinner, 'cause I know that's like her favorite food (right up there with fried chicken), and I'm pretty sure she hasn't had it in a long time - like definitely before she came to Gary, probably as long as I've known her. I gave her a Wal-Mart gift card, 'cause I know she'll use it. It does seem a little... vanilla? impersonal? But she seemed to like it, so I guess it went okay.

I seriously need to apologize for being so weird earlier. I was acting a little weird, like something was really wrong or something. It was more like... *sigh*, I don't know... Sometimes, I wonder about us. She just seems so different, and I wonder how she can be happy being with me. That feeds my insecurity and low self-esteem, which feed that, and it's not a good little spiral. I finally broke out of it, but the damage had already been done. I really really hope that wasn't what the compelte cause of her bad mood was. Well, I kind of do, because then there wouldn't be anything else making her feel bad. I can't get that to sound right, so never mind.

So I finally figured that I wanted to stay with her, and was okay, and asked her if she wanted me to stay. And she said no. And she sent me away. There's a chance that she just thought I didn't want to be there, and was helping me out, but no. I should have told her. Should've, could've, would've, DIDN'T. The story of my life. *Sigh* I guess I"l just tell her tomorrow. Her and I really need to talk about last night, about what happened. And I hope I won't cry about this again, like I am right now. Argh. I'm so sick and tired of screwing up, of things being my fault. And it's way too late to go play DDR, so I get to sit and stew in all this all night, until 11 (or whenever I pick her up tomorrow).

Whatever.

~*Sigh*~

So, life goes on. I haven't been up to much these past few days. Let's see... I've played a *ton* of Disgaea: Hour of Darkness, and watched a bunch of stuff - New Guy is really good; it was filmed here, but I don't recognize anything in it yet. And a few MST3K episodes; I still don't get a good download with this "cable" connection. I've also slept some odd hours. Got an appointment with Link Tuesday at 6:30; classes won't start 'til February 9th and March something-th. And the greatest joke of all? They're going to be in Austin. That's FUCKING hilarious!! My only way to salvage this is by the method that caused all these problems in the first place. Ah, sweet irony, how I've missed you. In other news...

I'm picking up Suzie tomorrow at 2. Her birthday is Sunday; she'll be 20. Her last days as a teenager... how sad. No clue what's going on this weekend; another "play it by ear" thing. Should be fun. Sounds like she's had a stressful couple of days. She called me earlier, and I dropped the phone, and the faceplate came off on the tile floor, so I had to sit there with this little cell-phone innard thing while we talked. It was... amusing.

And on the lighter side, an interesting conversation I had with Rose earlier today:

Rose: i learned today in speech that the infant mortality rate in russian orphanages was really really really really absurdly high in the late 80's/early 90's
Rose: all the babies were dying of SIDS (aka crib-death)
mr_binky_the_jackalope: hmm
Rose: wanna know why?
mr_binky_the_jackalope: sucks to be a baby in russia
mr_binky_the_jackalope: sure, why/
Rose: because they weren't being touched enough
Rose: lack of affection/human contact/human interaction = death
Rose: isn't that crazy?
mr_binky_the_jackalope: very
mr_binky_the_jackalope: and a good lesson to take note of
Rose: yep