You're my shining star, you're a million miles away

So yeah, I most of this post written out already, but I started playing WoW, and something froze up (Not on my comp. at the moment, long story), I had to restart, and it lost the post.

That sucks.

Lost my appetite for WoW for the moment, so I'll slog through retyping most of this.

In Austin right now. Yeah. Was here last night too, didn't plan on being back until tonight, but a last-hour executive order kind of changed that up. I was woken up this morning by a call from Gina. Apparently, she heard from Regina and Kassandra at the manager's meeting today that I was thinking about quitting. So she decided to call me and get right to the heart of the matter. That's something I highly agree with - not going by rumor, but just finding out for yourself.

So anyway.

I told her I'm in Austin right now, that I didn't know when I'd be back in town. Which is true. I'm kind of hanging out here right know; the aforementioned call was around 3:30 - 4, so it's another late afternoon wake-up. It's anyone's guess about tonight, I haven't decided anything yet, but that's only half of the formation. But yeah. I have to go talk to her as soon as I'm back in town. I don't know how they found out to begin with. There's only a few ways I can think of off the top of my head. It's doubtful, but certainly possible, that they both read my blog. Possible, but VERY doubtful. I'm almost willing to rule that out as a possibility right from the get-go. Eileen might have heard somehow - how, I can't fathom, but bear with me - and told them, but that's also uplausible, for two reasons. First, if she had heard that, I think she would have told Gina about it, instead of just talking to two other GMs about it. Second, I won't flatter myself into thinking that I'm a topic of conversation between my DM and two GMs at other stores in another town. That really only leaves one thing I can think of. I mean, I'm not upset. Well, yeah, I'm upset at the situation, at what's going to have to happen. I never indicated that I wanted it to remain completely private, and I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing in the circumstance.

So yeah, where does that leave me? Not entirely sure. I haven't had a chance to talk to Gina yet, other than the abortive phone call, so I can't really gauge her mood. I think she'll be sympathetic, to a point. I don't know if she'll let me hang on as a part-time driver, or if I'm going to ask. I *still* haven't gone by the Wal-Mart Distribution Center to apply, nor have I started looking for anything else. I've got way too much inertia - especially the 'at-rest' part. I think it's my subconscious aversion to change. Well, at least ambigious change. Most people, I feel, favor good change and dislike bad change. It's ambigiougs, uncertain change that people react to differently. I can't say that I always react to it with aversion, though (I like that word at the moment, prepare for it to be used often). I guess it just depends on my mood. Sometimes, I really like chaotic things, change swirling around too fast to keep up with.

Hell, come to think of it, I have that problem a lot. I have problems filling out personality quizzes - again, my answers vary way too much depending on my mood, which can vary drastically. I mean, I know most people have mood swings, and I don't think mine are particularly noteworthy. Just something I've noticed, something that annoys me from time to time. So anyway.

I'm not entirely sure where I was going with that. I'm kind of, well... not depressed, I don't think. Definitely something negative. Started feeling kind of ansy last night on the way up here, but once I got here, well... hanging out up here has a tendency to supress any negative feelings I might have. At least, for a while.

So I guess I'll have to tell Gina everything, go over the entire speech I've been mentally rehearsing for a while now. It also means I need to find a new job. one that's going to allow me to go back to school. The Distribution Center remains my best chance by a long shot, and it's going to be my first stop. Possibly tomorrow, depending on what happens tonight, definitely Thursday at the latest. After that, I'm not sure.

I just... , I don't know.

Oh, god. That style of typing I just slipped into, yeah... I've been at this screen for too long. I'm just going to go to the other side of the living room, sit in the chair, and watch Law & Order. I don't know how long I'll be here.

Unknown -- Also Unknown

'Cause when your nose is running, it's a perfect time for kissing and hugging

Note: I started this post last night, but the 'net went all wonky on me, and I ended up going to Wal-Mart and doing some grocery shopping. I'm going to pick up where I left off.

It's times like this I feel small pangs of regret concerning my lifestyles choices. It's 12:30 in the morning, and I'm cold, lonely, and depressed. Disclaimer: Yes, I know it's both (a) the result of conscious decisions on my part and (b) both my fault and my responsibility. Most of the time, I don't care. I find most people to be not worth the time it takes to interact with them.

But sometimes, I just get really, really down. Usually it's not triggered by anything specific. Event-triggered depression is much easier to deal with, because you at least have a focus for your thoughts, and can understand why you feel the way you do. But times like this, it feels like, well, being stuck underwater near a waterfall or other heavy current in the dark. You're getting turned and tossed about, can't feel or see anything, and are about to run out of air.

This is one of those times I really wish I was in a relationship, or at the very least, saw Lilie a little more often. [This is where my 'net went all wonky, and I left, and I'm picking up about fifteen hours later.] 'Cause times like this, I really just want to be be held, to cuddle up against someone and have them stroke my head, just be comforted. Maybe it's 'cause, as Ray is so fond of saying, I am in fact a woman. It's kind of like that night, two and a half days after Lilie and I got back together, where I started feeling like this, IM'ed her, and she ended up coming over and holding me. Of course, that night ended very badly, so it's not the greatest example in the world, but it'll do. I'm not sure if I'm not crying now 'cause it's not as bad, or I've started learning to deal with it, or what.

So yeah.

Jewel -- Cold Song

I feel anxious, and restless. Bored, but not really. I mean, I could play Gladius, but that's getting old. I want to go play DDR, but I really don't feel like driving to Austin, especially with the back-to-back trips earlier this week. I have to go pick up Rose in like three hours... so that'll be fun. At least it'll be an excuse to see other people. Like, have actual (sorta) human contact.

For some reason, Dave gave me the day off today. I cleaned the house, and finished the Crusade/Collector's Set spoilers. I want to fix my hubcaps, organize my CDs, and maybe one or two other things tomorrow. Katie's (Fink, not Wilkinson - she's basically given me the cold shoulder; not actually, but obvious enough for those with eyes) really cute, and seems pretty sweet. It's a good thing I'm heartbroken, tired, isolated, etc etc etc right now. Or I might do something stupid.

Well... that was fun.

Left Tuesday evening. I was feeling kinda... weird. Don't know why. Got there about 12:30 or so. Suzie and I slept in the living room. Mostly, we just hung out, with some exceptions.

New Year's Eve: We got a hotel room with Sara, and Jean, Chris, and Nar came by as well. I did in fact drink a miniscule amount of alcohol, no biggie. Suzie and I also... yeah. I also got to sleep in her arms, lying right next to her, which is one of my favorite things to do.

Friday evening, Suzie and I kind of had a fight. We didn't argue at all, but it was a fight nonetheless. I ended up leaving to go play DDR, while she went out with Sara (who, in an unrelated note, I don't like very much - she's pretty annoying). It took me 1 1/2 hours to get to Kemah (1/2 an hour to return, when I knew how to go), and I played for a good 2 hours or so. My calves still hurt, because I didn't stretch out at all, I did Drop Out during my first set, I was kind of nervous, and I haven't played in the last month except when Daniel and I played that one time. She called while I was driving, and we talked for a bit, and she said something to the effect of "I think you're going to leave [break up] with me" or something like that. Which I wasn't - I was upset with myself, and wanted a chance to work out some frustration and anger. It was mainly my fault. But we're okay now, I think.

Saturday, we came back home (well, to my home, at least). Watched Scorpion King and Bruce Almighty. Talked a little.

Robert didn't come by today - vehicle problems - but we did the dinner thing anyway, and Mom and Bambi seemed to accept Suzie more so than earlier.

So things are going pretty well, I think.

Except gEngine is still pissing me off, with Rifts not working.

ARGH.

Sitting at home. Just got off of work. Well, like forty minutes ago. Had to take another guy home, check my email, and put on some shorts. So now, I'm just sitting at home. Jarrod's not answering; he's who knows where; neither is Josh. It's pretty sad when you can totally have nothing to do on a Friday night when two people aren't answering their phones. It's pretty frustrating, because any other friends I could possibly have are in Austin - that whole UT thing. Zara, for instance. That makes it pretty difficult to form true friendships, as well as puts a strain on any that may form. I know, I know, it sounds like I'm whining. Maybe I am. What of it? I can deal with all of this social isolation. I do every day. But these are thoughts that go through my head every day, and it's not like there's anyone to share them with. So, I just retread the same mental paths over and over again. Writing these thoughts down does seem to stimulate thinking about them in different ways, or occasionally making me think of something new. Oh well... So, let's explore the Zara angle some more. Is this another latching on out of desperation? That thought's came up a few times, and I don't think so. I mean, I'll admit, there's been a few since coming to UT. Deidre definitely was. That girl in my philosophy class last semester was too. But I *knew* that for both of them the whole time. But I don't think so this time. I mean, it wasn't a right-away kind of thing. It was a month or two after meeting her for the first time (at a Knighthood meeting; where else?). I think it was at the Mad Dog party where it kind of came out, though. More tomorrow. Or the day after.