The taste of her cherry chapstick

So I'm feeling kind of emotional and vulnerable and depressed right now. Yes, it's going to be one of those posts. You've been warned.

Yesterday was a really good day. Chem II's going really well, got two straight 100's on my last quizzes. Probability's really, really easy so far, but that's going to get interesting when the calculus stuff starts coming in, since it's been so long since I've really done that part. I talked to Jackie before class yesterday, that was really nice. She's got gorgeous eyes (and she knows it). Anyway, she's taking Calc I this semester, she's going to be a math major. Actually wrote my first essay for FA, have to wait and see how it's received.

Got an estimate on my truck yesterday. One thousand, six hundred, and twenty-two dollars and ninety-eight cents. My truck's not worth much more than that. We'll see how the insurance company reacts. The best part is that that's actually a little on the conservative side - that estimate is with having them just fixing the side panel, not replacing it. That number will go up by some amount - I don't know how much - if they have to just replace the entire panel.

So I've been playing Dungeons & Dragons - Tiny Adventures on Facebook, and healed Lilie's character a few times. Admittedly, it's enlightened self-interest - you get a buff for healing other people's characters. Odd dynamic, I think. Whatever. Then she invited me to Blood Lust, which is a weird little vampire game, but it's really integrating advertising tie-ins and recruiting to a new, infuriating level for those of us who look for that kind of thing ("Don't forget to invite daily!") I maxed out as far as I could go without recruiting more friends, so I quit that. But I keep seeing her in my online friends, and I don't even recognize her in the new picture she's got posted on her profile. Anyway, it had me reminiscing a lot. I hate doing that, especially when Lilie's involved. Started getting really depressed, almost to the point of tears. Of course, that left me with only one course of action - went through the list of girls' profiles on my friends list that'll make me super depressed - Chelsea, Lilie, Melissa, Ashley, Beth, those are the ones that come to mind.

Oh! I saw Ashley Hughes yesterday (it was a busy day, apparently) in the music building on my way out. I know she saw me. Not that any of that matters - like most of the girls in my life, they're a much bigger part of my life than I am in theirs. That's probably related to why I have such a hard time letting go of people. But that's another story for another time.

So yeah, went through those, was crying by the end of it. That's something I've done a few times in the past few weeks.

Yeah, that pretty much gets us to where we're at now.

Kate Perry -- I Kissed a Girl

Put down that chainsaw, and listen to me

Facebook is really, really depressing.

Really, really, really depressing. I mean, yeah, it's great being able to see all my friends' status updates and share pictures and trade fun games and meet friends of friends and show off your favorite quotes and all this stuff. However, if you're twenty-five, still working on your BS (your first one), living at home, working as an assistant manager at Domino's, single with absolutely no prospects, overweight, and pretty pathetic overall, it can be depressing to see all your friends from high school doing graduate work and getting married.

Now, I pretty much got over the whole social yardstick thing. It's my life, I can't really compare it to everyone else - we each have our own path to travel through life, that kind of stuff. Whatever.

Of course, that doesn't make me feel that much better when I'm sitting in Discrete I and Alana is teaching the class across the hall.

Moving on.

I registered for summer classes. I think I'm taking ten hours over both summer sessions - six in two three hour classes, then four in a three hour course with one hour lab. Good stuff - Philosphy, Chem II, Chem II Lab, and Prob/Stat. Shouldn't be too hard.

Stopped by Wal-Mart and saw Rebecca earlier. That was really cool, we hadn't seen each other in over a week. She might have seemed happy to see me? I'm hesitant to actually saw that, self-esteem and our situation and all, but I think so?

I've been kinda depressed lately, but I think that might have snapped me out of it. Maybe, we'll see. Also, I keep staying awake for stupid long periods of time without any preparation or real reason. I'm not sure why.

I think Bill's probably leaving near the end of the summer, and Josh isn't going to be working very much after the spring semester ends. Sadness. Jaoquin is quitting, 'cause we're not really giving him any shifts. Of course, he had this annoying tendency to not be able to work the shifts he was given, so I don't feel too bad about it.

"Weird Al" Yankovic -- Dare to be Stupid

They can't hurt you now

Quick updates.

I think I might have adult-onset Lactose Intolerance. Probably not, kinda far out there, but worth a thought. I've had, well, issues after both big birthday dinners, both cheese-heavy, and more or less, for the last two weeks. Mom suggested eating really soft foods - rice and bananas, mainly. Stopped by Wal-Mart after work, bought six pounds of bananas (since I can't eat pizza at work right now). Ran into Rebecca, talked briefly. She mentioned that she was covered in flour; I, like an idiot, didn't ask her why. Ah, well, it's a guaranteed conversation starter next time I see her.

I was really, really depressed for a while about a week ago. I'm basically over it, but it was weird. I don't know why, there wasn't any trigger, no recurring theme, nothing. Good times.

Work's going to be interesting; we're getting Pulse next week, which is this great new snazzy PoS (Point of Sales, not the other one) system that's supposed to really just be the bees' knees. Or something like that. Speaking of which, Jenn, the training director, is an idiot. In an email sent to the company regarding the transition to Pulse, she meant to say "Thank you for your patience." Of course, she went the wrong way on the patience/patients homophones, and tried to write patients. That would have been pretty bad, kinda dumb. Of course, she had to make it worse. She misspelled patients "paitents". It was awesome.

Cascada -- Because of the Night

Seemed like you and me could wait forever

I was feeling pretty depressed, so I asked Bill to close for me tonight, I ended up leaving around 9-ish. Came home, took a nap, been up since around 3-ish. Been kind of puttering around ever since. Managed to finish 5-starring everything on Medium on GH2, thanks to Ambra. She did 5 stars on all the easy and about 95% of the medium. That made things a *lot* easier on me. I've now beat GH1 on expert, GH2 on hard, I just have Free Bird to beat to beat 2 on expert, and two songs in the final set on GH3. I'm not sure where I'm at on Rock the '80's. I think I'm going to deactivate my WoW account once school starts back up, I'm not sure that I'll have any time at all to play, other than the occasional evening I happen to not have any homework. At some point soon, I plan to post a list of things I need to do before January 14th, the beginning of the spring '08 semester. I know I need to redo parts of my room, work on my current paperwork filing system, clean out my dresser, and get below 300 pounds.

Alex Megane -- Hurricane

My tear ducts are so completely drained right now

Yeah, that didn't work so well. Went to create a new character... and didn't. I just don't feel like going through all the early stuff again (I can hear Lilie yelling at me at this point "Then why the hell did you delete your characters?"), especially since the environment will be so isolated now. This may be a momentary lapse, or a sign of major burn-out or paradigm shift.

We'll see.

So... let's do a relationship recap. Those are always fun. I'm in tears anyway; dredging up a bunch of old memories and mucking about in the pain of the past seems like the perfect way to spend the next four three hours.

So, without further ado...

Chelsea

Ah, the first one, the one that started it all. We met in fifth grade (?). I think. I know we were in the same group of classes in fifth grade - Mrs. Hirsch, Mrs. Jimenez, and Mrs... Barragon? They sort of rotated around, so Hirsch did Social Studies, Barragon did Math, and Jimenez did Science. No, wait. Jimenez was sixth grade science. Crap. Anyway. There were five of us that they just didn't know what to do with - me, Chelsea, Roland, Stacy, and Melanie. They put us in this little 'enrichment group' and had us do projects and stuff during class, since we were all bored with normal classwork anyway. The one I really remember is we did a 'game show' for the rest of the class. I don't really remember the parameters, but I do remember the five of us sitting outside the classroom, talking about polar bears and penguins and their co-existence. We finally did the game show; I was the announcer; Mel and Roland were the hosts, and Stacy and Chelsea (both were fairly shy in that grade) were the judges. We had two little things that came from a Happy Meal or something; theyw were like little air-buttons, attached to a car, and when you hit the button, the car went foward. That's what we used to have them indicate that they were ringing in to answer the question. It was over Christmas vacation that year (that may be starting a little early... but I've always been a very emotional person) that I thought I liked her. Didn't say anything that year, of course.

Next year, at Lamar/Hernandez, I met David and Michael, amongst others. David's been a very influential person in my life - he's introduced me to a lot of things, including Weird Al, Star Wars, WoW, computers... the list goes on. Anyway. That was also when I made the shift from a very quiet, shy person to a loud extrovert. I want to say we had the same homeroom (Chelsea and I). I know John Brown and I did, 'cause we often played chess during homeroom. I know we had English and Social Studies together (due to specific memories), so I know we were in the same block. But I can't remember if we had homeroom together. So one Friday, I told Michael and David that I liked Chelsea. They both laughed. That should have been my first warning.

So eventually, the entire school knew. I don't know who told who, and this much later, I don't really care. I just remember that *everyone* knew, and they teased her a lot about it. They teased me too, but I've never cared about being teased. Stopped caring... in first grade? Something like that. Anyway. I've never been 'cool' or 'popular'. I've never quite been an 'outcast', either, though. So, I couldn't bring myself to talk to her at all. I was just so devastated that she was being put through all of this because of me. I don't think I've ever really dealt with that fact. I think I still carry around a lot of guilt for that. Maybe. Anyway.

So I didn't really talk to her all year. I went to decent lengths to avoid her, in fact. At one point, they were experiementing with how we sat at lunch. (This may have been fifth grade. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think it was fifth grade.) Anyway, they had the boys sitting on one side, and the girls on the other. I remember the day I was sitting across from her. Couldn't meet her eyes at all. Isolated little anecdote.

So, yeah, didn't really talk to her all year during sixth grade. I mean, I'm sure we talked once or twice, but nothing of any substance. We were in Horizons together (despite my abbreviated attempt to quit over them forcing me to do a speech in front of the class). I do have a few specific memories of that year. We took a Social Studies test in Mrs... can't remember her name, though I can picture her - 's class. We were allowed to leave as soon as we were done. I was done first, as usual, and left. Apparently, after I left, someone yelled out "Billy loves Chelsea". And yes, she was in the room as well. The teacher didn't really say anything. Also... oh wait, this was fifth grade - we did a play called "Travis in TAAS Land"; I was the bathroom monitor. I lip-synched a remix of "I am the captain of the Pinefor" and got wrapped in toilet paper. Roland, Chelsea, and... Mel (?) were the three sidekicks (this was basically a parody of Alice in Wonderland). Anyway. Near the end of the year, Chris Carrasco - he played trombone, and we hung out a few times - found Stacy's address book. He had a crush on her, so it was fortunate. In any case, I gave him two dollars, and he gave me Chelsea's address out of it. From there, I got her phone number as well.

After the school year ended, right at the beginning of the summer, I wrote her this letter, about how sorry I was about what had happened that year, and everyone teasing her, and I would understand if she hated me forever. The thing I remember is writing "PS. I do like you." Figured she might as well know. So, the summer went on. Sorta forgot about the letter. Near the end of the summer, a letter came, addressed to me. It was in a pink envelope, postmarked Austin, and had a question mark in the return address. We thought it was from my cousin Felicia, but that didn't make that much sense. Of course, she was the only girl in Austin I knew (we'd later find out how stupid I was). So, I open it up, and it says the following:

Dear Billy, I don't think you need to apologize. It's not your fault people do things like that. It's not your fault. I'm very sorry I took so long to write back. I hope we have some classes together next year. -Chelsea PS I could never hate you. PPS I like you too.

To this day, the meaning of that last 'like' is still up in the air. Though, of course, almost ten years later, it's a bit of a moot point.

Anyway. So, seventh grade. That and part of eighth grade are kind of a blur, and I have trouble differentiating between the two, and sorting out what happened when. I do know that we wrote each other three more times, and that my half of the correspondence was quite possibility the stupidest things ever written (I swear that part of one of them was talking about how "Run, Forrest, Run" was stolen from Star Wars: Episode IV. Yeah. I *really* didn't know what to say back then. Still don't, but I'm slowly making progress.) I'll just go with the assorted and sporadic memories I do have.

Valentine's Day, '96. The PALS club was doing this rose thing where for $1.50 (or 12 for a dozen), you could send a rose to someone, and they'd give it to them during last period on Valentine's Day. I worked out a deal with mom where I'd fold all the laundry on the couch (and it was *full*), and she'd give me the twelve dollars. I spent a few hours doing so - watched the Stanley Cup while I was at it - and did it. Lauren Wyatt said she had this huge smile when she got into her car. As for myself, I got two that day. One was actually from Chelsea (From: Chelsea Williams; Have a Happy Valentines Day. Sorry I haven't written. ?) The "?" is actually written on the card; and one was from Michael, Donny, and them, trying to screw with me. The first hint is that they misspelled her name. Though, and I don't know if I've ever noticed this before, Chelsea spelled my last name "Martian." That's just cute.

There was a dance that night. I don't know if I went. Wait.. no, I didn't. Because in her next letter, she wrote:

Dear Billy, I'm really sorry that I haven't written in so long. I'm a terrible pen pal. I have absolutely no discipline. By the way, I never got a chance to thank you for the roses. They're beautiful. It made me feel wonderful. I tried to dry them out, but I guess I did it wrong, because they fell apart. I wish you had come to the dance. I didn't have a partner for the slow dances, so I danced with an invisible person (no, I'm not kidding.) Do you know that Josh asked Rebecca Caudle to the movies. I wouldn't normally write about something like this, but Rebecca's a friend of mine and her mother wants her going on group dates. So Rebecca wants couples so Josh doesn't have to go with a bunch of girls. She wants me to ask you to go along. Would you like to? I don't know what movie they're going to, but I'd really enjoy going with you. Write back soon. Chelsea.

Looking at the postmarks of the envelopes, that would have been the last letter she wrote me, in eighth grade. No, seventh. Anyway. We went to see Sgt. Bilko. I remember a lot of that very well. She was wearing a yellow dress. Josh and I were standing there, talking, while she was standing in front of one of the pillars. I kind of peeked my head around the pillar and asked her if she already had a ticket, and she told me that yes, she did. (Josh was telling me I was supposed to buy hers.) This was back in Cinema 5. It was on the... left side, where there were three screens. She had a Dr Pepper, and I had a Sprite. I spent probably half the movie trying to figure out if I should hold her hand. I never did, for the record - I started not making moves early on.

There were two other letters between the first and last one.

Dear Billy, Hi! It's great to hear from you again. With all this school stuff I never get to talk to you. My report cards pretty good, although I need to bring my grade a few points up in Horizons. As far as my electives, I was in drama, but the class was cut, I'm not sure why. Anyway I was snatched up by art, which also explains the lunch thing. If you like riddles here's one for you. 'I'm just two and two. I am hot, I am cold. I am the parent of numbers that cannot be told. I am gift beyond measure, a matter of course. I am given by pleasure, when taken by force. What am I?' [For the record, I didn't have to look at the letter to type that. I still know it by heart.] I got it out of a horror book. By the way, I do love chess, but I'm not very good at it. May the force be with you too Well gotta go Chelsea Williams PS Sorry, I'll send you a picture soon. I was absent the day of pictures. As soon as I get one I'll send it to you. PPS Thank you for the compliment. You're a really cool guy.

It took me forever to get the riddle. She gave me two clues - it's four letters, and it starts with 'k'. Of course, the answer is kiss. Again, any meaning in there is debatable, but I still lean towards 'no'.

This next one was the conclusion of some drama. Jennifer Hunt told me that Chelsea didn't like me and wanted me to fade out of her life, and I wrote her a letter telling her that I would. I also felt really bad about something Mat did - don't remember what.

Dear Billy, What are you talking about?! I never said anything like that. I don't want you to fade out of my life. Jennifer is not my friend. Not really. My best friend Lauren told me what had happened, she's in your class. I got really mad at Jennifer. I don't blame you for what happened with Mat or Rat Boy. You're probably going to hear a lot of rumors. Please remember that most of them aren't true. I really like you and don't want you to fade out of my life. fade in would be better. How are you doing in school? I'm doing pretty well. I have another riddle for you - What is: 'The beginning of eternity the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, the end of every race?' Bye, Chelsea L Williams.

Of course, that riddle is a lot easier.

So, we did go to the end-of-year dance together. Didn't slow dance, though.

Any memories after that lose all coherence or chronology. I remember during... sixth grade (?) we had a talent show thing, and she got up and sang 'El Shaddai' acapella (?). I couldn't look at her the whole time. Eighth grade, after we were apart, she sang 'Lemon Tree' and accompanied herself on the acoustic guitar. We went on after her and did 'Since You've Been Gone' by Weird Al (David and I). We went to the skating rink.... twice? I broke up with her for some reason in seventh grade, and we got back together like a week later. I called her a total of four times; once, was from Jarrod's - he started attacking me with a spatula, and I fought back with one; once, I called her from my house while Jarrod was over and Mom was gone; we were watching Transformers: The Movie; I don't really remember the other two times. She called and broke up with me some time during eighth grade. I was devastated.

This leads us to:

Shayna

Shayna was... really short. Had freckles, long black hair, dark eyes. Her mom was an english teacher at the high school (had her for a year and a half). This was... probably a week after we broke up. We were in Gamez (Alg. I)'s class, and we were working on some homework. I had already finished, and had my head down on my desk. Shayna raises her hand, and asked, "Can I go see if Billy is okay?" The whole class was like, "Whoo!" But she did, and talked to me, and... things went from there. We talked on the phone a lot. I don't know if she liked me from the start, or was just being friendly and I grew on her, but either way, we started going out. I know we went to the eighth grade Valentine's Day dance together; I'm having trouble remembering what else. I figure we probably went to a few movies, since that's really all there is to do in this town. I do remember that she gave me this old-fashoined key, which represented "the key to her heart". Yeah, I know. My response? Put it on some fishing twine and wear it as a pendant for the duration of our relationship. Yeah, I know. Shayna was a very touchy-feely girl, which was new for me. We were always holding hands, or had our feet together. So... um, how did that one end? Oh, crap, that's right. Totally my fault. I um... sort of had this crush on Barbara? And wrote her a letter to that end - didn't identify myself by name. Shayna found out, though. So that ended that. I have no excuse... other than, well, it was eighth grade. Not much of one, I know.

Barbara

So we ended up going out. Not a whole lot to tell. Went to her birthday party, we saw The Saint starring Val Kilmer and Volcano. Oh crap! We also went and saw Galaxy Quest... which I'm watching right now. Strange times. Those are the things I remember off the top of my head. She was a very quiet, very reserved girl, which was quite a change after Shayna. (Of course, none of that applies now. She's... grown up, I think, would be the best way to put it.)

Um... we were dating for about five months or so. We went to Project PASS together, which was this weird thing between eighth and ninth grade where they helped orient us to high school. It lasted... a week? She pushed me to complete the typing section and get credit for an entire course. That was... nice of her. Fun, too. I have a lot of sporadic memories of her. We went to Academic Pentathlon together. I took the Math category by a substantial margin. Jennifer Hunt, Barbara and I rode together while the rest of the group rode in the van. I remember that was my first exposure to pop music. Before that, I mainly just listened to Weird Al. On that trip, I heard 'Lovefool' by the Cardigans, 'Stay' by Lisa Loeb, and... one other song I can't remember. Yeah, that was a fun trip. We shared a pint of ice cream on the way home... I'm pretty sure I still have the spoon. We were a prolific letter-writing couple, often a few a day. Lemme think... That's all I'm coming up with.

Anyway, so summer band camp started. I remember the day very well. It was about a week or two into it. It was the end of evening rehearsal. I was sitting near the trombone cubbies, putting up my trombone. This was back when the trombone cubbies were across from the door. Josh and Anna came up to me; Josh was holding a note. He handed it to me. He mentioned something like "Don't read it 'til I'm gone, I don't want to get hurt. I'm just the messenger." I hate it when people foreshadow things in the *immediate* future like that. So it wasn't any surprise when I opened up the note and it was her breaking up with me. Something about me being "obnoxious, irratating, and immature." I would later find out that she meant "smothering." 'Cause, yeah, they mean about the same thing. She wouldn't talk to me for the rest of Freshmen year, except when she needed help in biology ('cause our teacher was bizarre, and most of the class had no hope of understanding anything he meant. I carried Josh, Terri, and Barbara through the course.)

Mary

So, yeah. Dumped right before high school started. Fair enough. Within two weeks, though, I heard through the channels (from Shayna, oddly enough) that there was this girl that wanted to ask me out or something. Her name was Mary, and she was a sophomore. After some initial confusion, we hooked up. Red hair, freckles, nice body. She called me once while I was helping Mom carry in groceries. We talked about stuff - she was also taking German, and demonstrated how well she knew the German alphabet. She also gave me a tape with "How Do I Live Without You?" by LeAnn Rimes and "Fly" by Sugar Ray. We went on one date, to a movie. Some chick flick. Sporadicly, thoughout the movie, she turned towards me. I'd note this through my periphial vision and turn to her and see what was up. She'd say 'nothing' and resume watching the movie. Everyone I've ever told this story to has told me that she was basically screaming at me to kiss her. Good to know. She broke up with me within a week. Total time for us? Two weeks or so. I still hung out with her group during lunch a lot, though. I talked to her not too long ago, too. More on that later.

Crap, looks like it's almost time to go to work. I'll get to the later ones - Terri, Kenni, Crystal, Mindy, Nikki, Suzie, and yes, even Lilie later. I might even mention some of the incidental ones - Zara, Sara, and Heather. Hell, I might even bring Dru, Leslie, Melissa, and a few others into the fold. Fun times. I should do this more often.

This is kinda funny

So I deleted my three characters (12 Warlock, 14 Hunter, and 19 Mage) on Feathermoon; sold all their Soulbound stuff and sent the money and assorted stuff (metal bars, malachite, shadow gems, etc.) to one of Lilie's characters (since I don't really know anyone else on that server anyway). So I'm going to start on a new server. Why? Well... it's complicated. Basically, I'm a compulsive person, and late at night, I succumb to weakness. If the opurtunity is there, I'll take it. So, if I have a character on Feathermoon, I'll log on and see if she's on. Stalker-y? A little, but hey, I really like this girl. So I have to do this now, so that a week from now, when I desperately want to talk to her, but I'm not over her at all, it'll be that much harder to do so.

Man, that doesn't make any sense at all.

This whole thing is very odd for me, because I've always followed my heart, went with what 'felt right.' But in this case, what feels right is not, in fact, the best path. So my heart and brain are at war, and my heart isn't used to being opposed.

I just want to stop hurting. Though, I wouldn't let go of the good memories to stop it. That's not something I'm willing to give up. Maybe that's my problem.

In retrospect, Lilie has had such a huge influence on my WoW experience. She introduced me to Autumn Weave. Without them, I daresay I would barely know anyone in there at all (well, save for some of my RL friends, which I've discussed in previous posts why that's a moot point.) I'm learning that my social problems extend to the online realm, so I doubt I'll meet many people playing (aside from grouping for elite quests, I haven't met anyone online so far. And none of those associations created during those groupings lasted much longer than the group itself did.) I might stop playing for a while as well. Not sure on that one. I should elaborate on that one. I don't feel at all like I'm playing an MMO. Given my experience so far, this could just as easily be a console based, single player RPG. And yes, I'm sure it's my fault, as is my isolation in real life as well. I've been down this road a thousand times with Heather and Rose both, and heard all the advice I think there is in the entire world on the topic.

Again, I just feel so cast adrift right now. It's... disconcerting.

When you look at me, tell me what you see

A'ight, so it took a little longer than I expected to get back to finishing this. You'll have to forgive me; I worked 3 - 1 (10 hours) yesterday, and 10:30 - 11:30 (13 hours) today. It didn't seem like nearly as long, but I was kinda lazy today. It was *really* slow, though, and I've stopped caring, so the crew doesn't seem to mind.

So. Friday night. Found her journal, found out she lied to me. She lied to me during that entire heartfelt conversation. I expected her response to be something along the lines of "But I didn't want to hurt you." That, of course, is complete bullshit. First, pain is a part of life. Most belief systems paint the afterlife as a place of complete bliss and paradise - in those cases, pain is a remainder we're alive. And for those of us that don't believe in the afterlife, well... denying pain is denying life. Second, when you put yourself out there, take a chance, you're going to get hurt. Another simple fact. But most importantly, that was the point of the entire conversation - that I'd prefer to find out first, and deal with it immediately, then have to find out later. Something like that. 'Cause now, not only do I have to deal with all the pain, but there's other things - uncertainty, for instance. I don't know if, if I hadn't found out, if she would have ever told me. Not that it's really any of my business, but it does have a bearing on our relationship. I have to deal with how stupid I feel, thinking everything was okay, when all the time, the world was laughing at me behind me back.

Fun times.

So, I didn't really feel like going to the Sonic party after that. Kristin called to make sure I was coming, and I told her that I wasn't planning on it. She got really upset - Kristin always seems so happy to see me come out to parties - and she put Bruce on the phone. I pretty much knew what he was going to say, but I let him say it anyway. Yep, Leslie was going to come by the party. Quick backstory: Leslie was a fountain/carhop when I started workingt there. I did, in fact, have a crush on her for a while (for those of you who are starting to think I seem to have crushes on a lot of people, all the time, or something like that, this was four years ago.) This was one of those that I knew would never come to fruitation - I'm not stupid. She eventually became a manager for a while, but she moved. We did hang out outside of work a few times - she went with me to see Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, among other things. Apparently, though, she was something of a slut. I'm *still* hearing about different guys at Sonic she hooked up with, or tried to, or something along those lines.

Anyway.

I hadn't seen her since she had left. So, I pretty much had to go at this point. Luckily, the tears hadn't set in yet. They would come, though.

I got there... saw Marny, who had definitely put on a few years. Leah was there too, along with the old favorites - Rudy, Ray, Freddie, Krisin, Allison, Erica (positioning herself to keep Marny and Rudy apart, since he's dating Allison now, who lives with Erica, except she's moving out to move back in with James, and I think they're getting back together, which is just messed up. Anyway.) I said hey to everybody, but wasn't very socialable. I basically just ended up sitting on the couch by myself, 'til Leslie got there. Kristin was a little drunk, so when I picked her up and hugged her, she tried to wrap her legs around me (didn't happen). Devon came in, which was a surprise. She's *so* tall. She was a giantess on skates - we opened together a few times, back before we did breakfast. Those were the days.

Anyway.

I didn't really mingle with anyone, for two reasons. First, I'm an outcast. Always have been, always will be. I don't fit in with groups, even when it's a group of friends. So, with this group of people I've worked with for years, I really don't belong. It's not anything to do with them - they're always more then welcoming and accepting, despite my proven... contrast. Second, my SaD was coming on really, really strong. Makes sense, given my current mental state. I almost left twice, before she even got there. Oh, and I almost asked for a drink, to get completely smashed for once, since I didn't really care at that point. Neither happened, though. But what did happen is that Leslie did *finally* show up. I got up, hugged her; we talked for about twenty seconds, and she went to say hi to everyone else. I left; it was about all I could take.

I would later find out from Bruce that Leslie was *not* happy. She went into the crowd, said hey to everyone, got a drink, and came back, hoping to talk to me, and I had left. Looking back, it would have been nice to have a chance to talk to her after so long. Of course, I don't think it would have gone very well. I would have ended up just crying on her shoulder for the majority of the conversation. At that point, though, I still hadn't broken down.

It happened on the way home. It really hit me, full force. I started crying like I hadn't cried in a long time. I didn't really relish the thought of going home and lying in my bed, so I called Rose to see if she had found something to do, or if the invitation was still good. I'm not entirely sure how she understood me, since I was fairly incoherent at that point. I don't really know what I said or anything, but I think she understood what was going on. Or rather, what I was asking, or something like that. She told me to go ahead and come up. I stopped by the house, grabbed my toothbrush, my carebear, and some shorts (I was still wearing my green pants, from going to the Sonic party), and drove up there. I balled my eyes out the whole way there. Not a pleasent experience. I just didn't really know how to react, how to deal with it. I mean, the lose, I could handle. But not that she didn't tell me, that she in fact told me the exact opposite, despite having a converation about that exact thing.

So, I got there. Rose had ordered pizza, and we had some pizza. Domino's, oddly enough. I spilled the whole story to her. Again, I don't know how comprehensible I was, though, as I was still crying. She seemed to follow, though. I hadn't seen Rose in a while. We talked for a few hours. That was when she told me that she thinks I might need professional help, and when she told me that my eyes are really pretty when they're all bloodshot from crying. I ended up crawling into her bed (I'd forgotten how comfortable it is) and crashing, while she stayed downstairs packing. She came up and woke me up Saturday morning 'bout 9:45. I came downstairs and saw that I had 2 missed calls from Sonic. I called up there; Adam answered. I asked him about the calls, he said "No, but I do know we're having a meeting right now." and hung up. I had totally forgotten, but even if I hadn't, I don't think it would have really changed anything.

Katie (Fink) stopped by. Another girl in this story I've had a crush on. This was... before they moved up there, so... nine months? Something like that. I think it was in late spring of last year, after we started hanging out together, before they moved up. Anyway. Turns out she married James Bluebird. She's now Katie Fink-Bluebird, which is just awesome. Also turns out not only do we have the same phone, but we use the same ringtone, and the same background! It was pretty cool. We loaded up the black vehicle and my truck with stuff, and drove on down to San Marcos and unloaded it into Rose's room. We also stopped by my house; apparently, Crystal and Mom were having a garage sale (didn't think to mention it to me, or anything). We all had some chips and queso; Rose showed off her tatoo. It was getting to be about 2 or 3 at this point, so we left. I took Rose by the Storage Place to get a unit, and dropped her off. There was one point that came up, though. Apparently, I thought she was getting a ride back up to Austin with Katie and James, but that they thought she was riding up with me.

Hmm...

I told her I could come get her after work and we could head up then. She decided to hang around town, so it worked. Work that night was... interesting. I didn't break down in tears in front of the crew, though I did have to go back to the bathroom twice or three times to compose myself. Picked up Rose after work, and we headed back up to Austin. This was when it started getting all cold and stuff.

Lilie called while Rose and I were driving to Austin. She told me that she had seen my blog, and was curious if I was okay, 'cause it sounded like I was mad or something. I told her that no, I was fine, just tired. She accepted that. Rose felt that I had to get her to tell me about what she had done, but I didn't think she would. So, I called her back about two minutes later. I said something along the lines of "Actually, no, everything's not okay. I don't like being lied to, so I'm not going to lie to you. I read your journal." Her response? "I don't have a journal." Priceless. "Yes, you do." "I haven't written in it in over a year." "Your blog." "How'd you find it?" Then I explained to her how I found it. She said something about not wanting to hurt me (how predictable), and that getting away was still the pervading reason for her trip. It was a really frustration conversation, because my truck is *not* quiet, and her reception was really bad, and she was talking quietly, so I kept having to ask her to repeat herself three and four times.

So that was fun. Rose and I finally got back to Austin; she was really tired, so we both just headed to bed. I hadn't slept with Rose in a long time, and it felt nice. We slept in fairly late, so we decided to finish it up Monday. The problem was that her lease expired at 6, so we would only have time for one load. Since we didn't have time for one Sunday, it would have to have everything. As big as my truck was, it wasn't going to work. I called David, and he said he'd be happy to come lend a hand. Major victory there. So I ended up throwing some stuff in my truck - two tables, three chairs, and the recliner, and took it down and dropped it off in the storage unit on my way to work. Work was... fun. There are five stages of loss - denial, barganing, anger, grief, and acceptance. I don't know the order. I've never had a problem with denial, and I don't really believe in bargaining, which leaves acceptance, grief, and anger. I did grief earlier, but I hit anger head on. I was really, really mad at her. I stayed mad at her for a while.

She didn't come online Sunday night, though she was on Y! briefly, but I didn't say anything. I didn't talk to her until Monday afternoon on WoW. She asked if I wanted to come over and talk, and I told her I'd be by later, after helping Rose move, and I'd have the DVD burner to let her borrow. So I drove up to Austin, and we finished getting Rose out of there. We didn't leave Austin until... 9 or so, though. Delays kept popping up. I felt so bad for David, since I had given him the impression that this would be a fairly minor undertaking, and it kept stretching on and on and on. But we finally got her moved out, down to San Marcos, and unloaded in her room. So after that, I went to Lilie's.

Went in, gave her the DVD burner; her phone rang, so I sat on the couch. She got off fairly quickly, and came over and sat next to me and put her head on my arm. I didn't really respond. She had said she wanted to talk, and it was going to have to start with her (it still does). I didn't really have anything to say.

A'ight, I just took a little nap, and it's 8 am, so I have to leave for class. I'll try later to finish this mighty epic.

Find your calm, in the eye of the storm

So I dropped Cullen off at his house, and started to head home, my spirits having been lifted by a night of DDR with a great friend.

That lasted about two minutes. I returned to my previously depressed state of being fairly quickly driving down Hilliard. I don't know why... it probably didn't help that 1000 Words came on, which is a song that now has significant meaning to me - and if anyone laughs at that, I swear I'll smack you.

Anyway.

I still haven't pinned down the original cause of my depression, but separating from Lilie definitely didn't help. So I came home and played some, but had to open. I crashed for about an hour, then went off to work. Nothing really of note there. Well, except we got in a Coke order and a truck, I had to put up both of them, and had to cut a crapload of onions since no one else had been cutting them. Adam came in as the secondary manager, followed by Dave. It was really slow for lunch, but things got really, really busy about 2 or so. I had to stay until almost 4, which sucked. I got home and fell asleep.

I volunteered to go in that evening about an hour before close and help do the money and stuff so that Javi could do the changeover without having to worry about that, and he wouldn't have to be there forever. The problem is that we were supposed to close at 11, but we ended up closing at 10. I had hoped we'd be closing at 11, so I'd still be there doing the deposit at midnight. Even that plan was ruined, since we were slow enough that Dave told us to close an hour early. Got out of there about 11:20 or so, came home. Mom was at Cheatham Street and Janelle was at a party, so I was just hanging here at the big hour. I think I was talking to Heather online at midnight, nothing special. Mom called about 1 and told me that her and Jerry were at All-Niter Diner and would love to have me join them, so I did. We had a nice meal. One note - I was parked right in front, on like the second parking spot on that street. As I was climbing back into my truck and getting situated, I saw a small red car come flying around that corner. Habitually, I looked at it - sure enough, it had a Domino's thing on the top, a hood that wouldn't close... yep, it was her.

And here I thought I wasn't going to see anyone special on New Year's.

Went home and crashed. Worked 5 - close that night. Shelley was back from wherever the hel she was (South Padre) and was fountaining that night with Allison. I was supposed to have Pedro, Rick, and Freddie cooking, but Freddie was really sick and called in. Pedro was supposed to be off at 9, but he stayed and closed. Rick didn't come in 'til 8, so I spent most of my time in the kitchen. Shelley annoyed the fucking hell out of me. She is very defensive about being criticized - I told her I had to review some items on her Star Guides (don't ask), and she made some comment a little later about "Hold on, I have to finish listening to Billy tell me what a complete idiot I am" or something like that. We didn't get along very well. Then she shows up on 31, and Shelley went out and talked to her for a bit. She returned a little bit later with some food for Shelley. Nothing really else of note happened that night. Well, except when she showed up to give Shelley a ride home. She parked on 4. I was sitting in the manager chair, and it's unfortunate that whenever you look up from the computer, you're pretty much looking at 4. So I had the joy of looking up as I was counting and seeing her car head-on a few times. That was fun.

Sunday, worked 5 - C again, but I've pretty much covered that. Got Chelsea to fountain for me tonight, 'cause there was no way I was going to go in tonight. Had an interesting conversation with Jess, though:

just_jess_from_smt: Kristin came in tonight just_jess_from_smt: shes back mr_binky_the_jackalope: Montalvo? mr_binky_the_jackalope: To work? just_jess_from_smt: yep just_jess_from_smt: just to say hi just_jess_from_smt: chelseas turning 18 the 12th, theyre all excited mr_binky_the_jackalope: Exciting just_jess_from_smt: she wanted to see you mr_binky_the_jackalope: Kristin? just_jess_from_smt: hadnt heard about Lilie mr_binky_the_jackalope: Did you tell her? just_jess_from_smt: yeah just_jess_from_smt: no just_jess_from_smt: chelsea did mr_binky_the_jackalope: I didn't know Chelsea pays attention to my social life just_jess_from_smt: maybe it was Lacey mr_binky_the_jackalope: Either way, what'd she say? just_jess_from_smt: she was very happy mr_binky_the_jackalope: What? just_jess_from_smt: she was happy mr_binky_the_jackalope: Kristen was? just_jess_from_smt: yes mr_binky_the_jackalope: When Lacey and/or Chelsea told her that Lilie and I aren't together anymore? mr_binky_the_jackalope: Or to be back? just_jess_from_smt: yep just_jess_from_smt: you mr_binky_the_jackalope: ... mr_binky_the_jackalope: odd

Form your own opinion. Went to dinner with Mom and Janelle at Katy Station, since she won a gift certificate there a while back in a band auction or somesuch. After that, Janelle and I went to Best Buy (got Final Fantasy Anthologies, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (both full extended editions)), and Blockbuster. Apparently, Blockbuster doesn't charge late fees anymore. The catch, however, is that if you don't return it by the 7th day it's due back, the full retail price is automatically charged to your account, and congratulations, you've bought yourself whatever it is you've kept. So anyway...

I miss her. We haven't talked since we broke up. I haven't called her, for a couple reasons. She said she wanted space, to be left alone, etc., so I'm respecting that. Also, and both her and Shelley have experienced this, I'm really awkward on the phone and don't know what to say. I usually only call people if I have a specific reason for calling, else, I just don't know what to say and tend to get really quiet. There are a few exceptions to this - Rose and I can talk for hours, but that's 'cause she talks a lot - but for the most part, I tend to avoid the phone. Mom and I had an argument last night, so I got some flowers on the way home from work - a big vase of yellow roses, Mom's favorite flower (lucky choice on my part). She came out this morning, saw them, and though that I had bought them for Lilie. Which isn't a bad idea, except for the reasons noted above. That's really why I haven't tried to call her, or leave some flowers by her door, or ask Shelley about her, or anything like that. She wants her space, and I'm fine with that. She knows my number if she ever feels like talking again.

It's finally started to sink in that we're apart. On the way in from DDR, walking across the neighbor's lawn, I kind of whispered "I miss you", and started crying. That was fun. At this point, I just feel lost. I don't know what's going on - I was depressed before we broke up, but this doesn't help at all.

We're opera-mad in Camelot; we sing from the diaphragm a lot

Heh. I just feel like writing a lot at the moment. Well, maybe it's more that I don't feel like sleeping. Not that I ever do, but I don't really want to just lie down and close my eyes. That's when it's hardest to control your thoughts, and that's something I've always had problems with. These are the kinds of times when I really hate having such a strong stream-of-consciousness. Here's a fun one that just hit me: She had one in Houston, because of Sean... did I cause this one in any way? Contribute to it? Yeah. That one's gonna haunt me for a while.

So anyway.

Took Janelle to Blockbuster, felt like getting my mind off of things. Decided to get Rat Race, which I actually saw in theaters, and have wanted to see again ever since. Also got The Third Age, which I've wanted to play for a while. Wait, is that even it's name? Yeah, Lord of the Rings: The Third Age. Or something like that. Anyway. I also wanted to get Almost Heroes, but of course, they didn't have it. Of course, they had the box, and two cases behind it, but neither of them was it. It really pissed me off. Also got some Reeses Pieces, which is the best candy ever. Except for the large candy thing bite things. Yeah.

Terri was online for a while, and we got to talking. Turns out she's not going to marry that guy; she's back in NC. I'm not sure if they're still together in NM, or what... I feel really bad, 'cause I kind of snapped at her, and said some fairly mean things. Of course, given the course and history of our relationship, I don't think that one thing will be the single item that breaks our friendship, but I still feel bad about it. Other than that, had a nice chat with her about breakfast cereals. The really funny thing is that Suzie emailed me while I was talking to Terri. I made a comment that if Mindy calls, I'm leaving. Of course, Suzie just sent me a chain letter - she even admitted it was a stupid thing to do IN THE EMAIL ITSELF.

So yeah, I'm feeling... I don't know. Stunned? Tired? Hurt? Something like that. I don't want to go to work in two hours. I don't want to face the world. I want to curl back up in my blanket, with my two bears, and sleep. Two years or so.

Boom schwati oosh

So I really haven't written about Lilie lately. (That sounds funny when read aloud). There's a couple reasons for this. The main reason for this is that I don't want to go posting her business for everyone to read. I mean, I don't mind everyone seeing mine - my life is an open book for everyone to read, but it's not really my right ot post other people's stuff. So I'll do this as well as I'm able. Bear with me.

So a week and a half (?) ago, Lilie started telling me that, well, for lack of a better way to put it, she was going through a phase. I'm not going to go into specifics, other than to confirm that I'm not talking about her period. So she starts talking to me on IM, and well, I didn't really say that much in response. I... just didn't know what to say. I mean, what could I say? She knows I care, and that I"m here for her and will listen and do what I can. I hate repeating myself, and just saying tired old clichès never helped anyone. So my comments were sparse. She then asked me something along the lines of "You don't even care, do you?" I can certainly see how she would think that, but I explained what I just said to her. I don't know how much of it she believed, but it's really a moot point and secondary to her situation. So I decided to give her some space, let her figure things out. A day and a half later, she calls me.

"Are we even still dating?"

That's a really scary question, coming straight out of the blue.

We talked a little more, and I explained that I was just trying to give her space so she could deal with her problems. Her response? "That's probably for the best." Which is good, I guess. I mean, wait... anyway. So that went on for... a week and a half? Something like that. We only talked a few times - when I went to drop off the cookie plate, I left it in front of their door, rang the doorbell, and tore off out of there. She did call me later that day about the fan, and we talked a little after that work (mainly just me asking her if she needed more help with the fan.) That's about it, except when I took her her present. I wouldn't have called her today, except that Shelley called me (things are going frighteningly well with her new boyfriend - check it out at her blog, Risen From the Ashes), concerned about Lilie and asking me to call and talk to her or something. I didn't want to - it's hard enough to leave her alone completely like this, but I did. It was... interesting. We talked a little about how she was doing - not good.

And we ended up seperating. She kept apologizing, too - for "dragging me through this" or "putting me through this" or "making me feel bad". I kept telling her, it's not something she should apologize for - you should never apologize for how you feel, or who you are. And I told her that I hoped we could still be friends - a class cliche, but one I only say with complete sincereness - and she agreed (sort of, I think).

Oh, and I had to listen to her cry. That may be the most painful noise I've ever heard. It's something that will haunt my nightmares, and plague every downward emotional spiral I'll ever go through after this. I hope that, if she reads this, it doesn't make her feel any worse. That's the last thing I want to do, is to add to her burdens. I just wish there was something I could do, something to help her through this.

She also talked about how it was probably a bad idea, that she should have known not to jump into this, especially after Houston. Shelley talked about this, and I agreed with her, but Lilie said she was okay.

If I drank, I'd go get so hammered right now.

And Shelley, if you read this, (don't take what I"m about to say the wrong way; don't get offended): Don't call, please. I really don't want to talk to anyone right now.

Alone at Christmas - Milk, Inc

She looks outside her window
While she's losing track of time
Trying to find a reason not to cry tonight
Outside the snow is falling
Children sing their songs of peace
She finds herself believing in a lie tonight

Alone at christmas (x3)

The evening's getting darker
Some candles light the moon
Don't look like he'll find his way back home tonight
Outside the snow is falling
Children sing their songs of peace
She finds herself believing in a lie tonight

Alone at christmas (x3)

This should be a time for happiness
This should be a time for you and I
This should be a time for happiness
This should be a time for you and I

Alone at christmas (x5)

Never ever have I ever felt so low; when you gonna take me out of this black hole?

Wow. I'm approaching my old record - well, not really. I just haven't really posted in over a week.

It's just, well, a couple things. First, with school out, I've gone back to working at least 40 hours a week, so I'm more tired at night when I would normally be posting. I've also been spending a lot (both too much and not enough) time with Lilie and over there. And finally, in the last week or so, I really haven't felt up to it. I mean, I've been in this major funk. I've spent a lot of time lying in bed, not really doing anything. I hate it when I get like this - I know it's not really tied to any time of year, nor any event. It just happens. So we'll see how long it takes to get over that. But anyway...

Sunday evening, I went over to Lilie's. Details are fuzzy, but I do recall one very odd occurrence. We were standing outside - I don't know if she came out to meet me, or we were headed back in or something (actually, now that I think about it, it might have been Tuesday night, but anyway...) she started asking me about why I feel so insecure about us, and how I shouldn't. It's kind of odd, having her being able to know what I'm thinking, especially about her. Well, to be fair, it's my fault - I'm the one posting it here, where she can read it. I could always post it on some secret, third blog. Or something like that. It's the same thing with Shelley. I'm just not used to having people read this regularly, much less someone I interact with.

So we both had to work Monday morning at 10 am. Well, at least, that's what I thought. I had only taken a cursory glance at my schedule, then listened to her mentioning that she had to be in at 10. We left, and I got there, only to discover that I wasn't supposed to be in there until 11:30. Had it been 11, it wouldn't have been worth it to drive home, but since I had an hour and a half, I went for it. Came home, started Moulin Rouge burning, set up X-2 with some new dresspheres to power up, then went back to work. It was okay, although things have been getting on my nerves a lot more.

I don't really remember Monday evening. Heh.

I opened Tuesday morning, as usual, and that evening, Lilie and I had an actual date. We went to Italian Garden for dinner. It was pretty nice - I had, um, something, I'm sure. She had the manacotti. It's always weird when you go out to eat with someone who waits, or has waited, tables. I ran into this a lot with Rose - they usually end up striking a conversation with the server. I always feel really awkward when that happens. It's really just an instance of my general discomfort with service people. Like when you go into Best Buy, and that guy greets you - they've started doing that at Hastings as well. It really bothers me. I understand why they're doing it - making sure the customer feels welcome, and giving them an immediate chance to ask any questions or seek some assistance. But I'm never quite sure how to respond. Do I greet them back? I feel really stupid doing that; on the other hand, ignoring them seems kind of rude. I really wish they'd just ignore me as I walked in. For that matter, I feel the same way about employees (or sales associates, whatever) asking me if I need help when I'm browsing. If I needed help, I'd go ask for it. Or when the server, waitress, or carhop, tries to strike up a conversation. It's not that I'm being rude or I think I'm better or something, I just feel uncomfortable talking to random people like that.

So yeah. After Italian Garden, we drove around for a bit, then went to Showplace to watch Team America: World Police. She still hadn't seen it, though I think it would have been my... third, or fourth time. Something like that. So we watched it. We had to move once or twice, 'cause she doesn't like having (other) people sitting near us. Eventually, though, we got settled in and started watching it.

And we both fell asleep at one point or another. We enjoyed it, but managed to fall asleep. We were both just really tired. Oh!! I forgot. I even dressed up a little bit - I was wearing my green pants, as can be expected, and put on my black over-shirt with the really bright flowers on it. Shelley made some disparaging remarks about it, but that's to be expected.

So yeah, a good time was had by all. I'm fairly certain I crashed there that night. Yes, I remember it now. She had to leave before me, 'cause she had to go to work, whereas I didn't have to work until that evening. I think. Either that, or I was off. Yeah, I think I was off, since I opened Thursday. No, wait, that's not right. She did have to go to work later (I think), but I was up early, and couldn't lie still, so I went into the living room and played a little Twisted Metal: Black, and was going to take Shelley to work at 10. After that, I didn't feel like going home just yet, so I went over to Best Buy and looked at their RAM and video cards. I've been thinking about doing it for a while, and it seemed like a good time (don't ask my why). Anyway, while I was browsing, Lilie called. She was curious as to why I didn't say bye before I left. (I didn't want to wake her up.) It just made me feel really good, knowing that she cared.

So I bought a video card and some RAM. Of course, it was the wrong kind of RAM. My comp wouldn't boot with it at all. The video card, however, went right in and worked perfectly. I took the RAM back and had the guy find the right kind - it was in the back. I put it in by itself to make sure it worked, and the motherboard, as soon as power hit it, went "Beep. Beep beep beep. Beep beep beep." And the computer wouldn't boot. Turns out that that's the "Hey, your RAM is in backwards" alert. Silly me. Put it in right, it booted. Recognized it and everything. Turned it back off and put my original one in as well, and everything was good to go. The improvement in performance has been immense. I could even contemplate playing either CoH or WoW (not both).

Didn't do much else on Wednesday, though I did go up to Austin and play some DDR later. Stopped by Rose's to pick her up, since she wanted a ride home. Played a little, but not too much - I slammed my ankle on the bar at one point, and it's been hurting sporadically ever since. We stopped by IHOP on the way home, which was unpleasently reminiscent of the old days. If she does move back down here (which is now in question, apparently), I won't always be able to just jump up at 3 in the morning and give her a ride home whenever. Things have changed a bit. And even if I do, I won't just sit there for half an hour. It was really weird when she called me the other day at 2 in the morning - something perfectly resonable in the old days, but I was crashing over at Lilie's, and she had long since fallen asleep. I felt really bad having to disturb her, however slightly, to go get my phone (it rings really, really loudly, so ignoring it wasn't really an option).

So anyway. Opened Thursday. Somehow, Rose thought I had agreed to take her back to Austin. I swear I don't remember doing that, but I did. Take her back, I mean. Came back and took Shelley Christmas-shopping for Lilie. Since she doesn't have her own car, her options for doing so are limited, and I was happy to help. We went to Hastings, then stopped at Sonic for some dinner (the current joke is that I'm dating both Lilie and Shelley; it started the Sunday she waited in my truck for a good 10 - 20 minutes for a ride home).

Oh, haha. Just re-read my earlier posts, and I'm getting all these days mixed up. I did my video card and RAM on Friday, which means that I crashed at Lilie's on Thursday (probably Tuesday night too. This is one of the reasons I hate going so long between updates). I don't really rememeber Friday or Saturday either, which is kind of scary.

I do remember Sunday, though. Shelley and I opened. It was *really* slow. I mean, our first customer was... 8:30? We had like 10 orders from then 'til 9:30. We had a bit of a rush 'til 10:05 or so, when Adam got in and helped. At one point, labor was at over 700%, which was really, really cool. I was sent home about 11:30, since it was just unbelievably slow. Shelley insisted I head over to their place, so I did. I ended up crashing in Lilie's bed and taking a four hour nap. Lilie woke me up when she came in to hug and kiss me good-bye as she left for work. I left fairly soon after that.

As I got home, I realized I had forgotten my blue button-up shirt. I called their place and told Shelley that when she answered the phone... except it was Lilie. Apparently, there was a sign at Katy Station that said "Closed @ 2 - Kitchen Repairs" or something along those lines. I headed over about 9 to get my shirt, since I had to work Monday night. Lilie was still dressed up, and she looked very nice. We hugged like we hadn't since before we started going out, which felt really good. We kissed a little too, and I left. I talked to Shelley later (online?) and she asked me why I left.

Worked Monday 5 - C, fountain. Dennis was there 5 - 9, and he was really getting on my nerves. It ended up taking me over an hour to close fountain, since Dennis didn't do *anything*, and Rick didn't help me in the fountain at all either. I don't mind, though - with the mood I was in, I was in no hurry to leave. It's the mood I've been in pretty much all week. Just a major funk. I alternate between upset for no reason and sad for no reason. I've been lying in my room all day today, sometimes playing games, but often just lying there. Felt like crying a few times, but of course, that won't happen - I can't seem to cry except at seemingly random times, and the most bizarre catalysts (Hearing Lemon Tree by Peter, Paul and Mary is the best example I have at the moment). Just been lounging around today, though I did manage to get about three quarters of my chores for this week done, and can finish my room tonight and the rest tomorrow. I still haven't done any Christmas shopping, though, so I'll have to squeeze that in tomorrow and Thursday before work at 5.

So. That's my week. Time for humorous anecdotes and other things I left out.

Janelle and three of her friends went to a movie, then came back here to build a gingerbread house. Things went well, until the end. It stood for... four seconds? They dragged me out to take their picture, which I did. But even then, the chimney, constructed of Hershey's chocolate bars, was falling. Not long after that, they realized the door was caving in. Immediately after that, the back wall started collapsing as well. Within a minute, the whole thing was in a heap. We ate some, but it is *incredibly* sweet. Michael and Kushal are still here, but they'll be leaving soon.

I was thinking about going to Austin tonight to play some DDR, but I just didn't have the energy. I don't mean physically, but mentally. Just an extension of the lethargic, depressed mood I've been in lately.

Bug did a major patch on gEngine, changing the look again. It was bad enough to (coupled with the complete lack of B5 players lately) to uninstall gEngine, delete the cache completely, clear my registry of it, and remove the forums from my favorites.

Picked Final Fantasy: Origins back up. Final Fantasy I is *hard*. Started playing Diablo II: Lord of Destruction as well, for some reason (although it is really sweet with the upgrades.) Been playing a Druid with a lot of pets.

The office sent back a list of errors in paperwork this week - there were a lot. And none of them were mine. Every other manager had at least one, and everyone except Dora had a few.

I think the Christmas party was this Sunday. I mean, the Sunday evening of the post before this one. It was... okay. Shelley did end up going, but didn't bowl. It's always nice to hang out with the crew outside of work. It wasn't as fun as last year, and the prizes sucked. Overall, though, it was okay.

That's it for now. I hope to resume normal updates now. Writing these long ones takes a while - this one took four hours, though that certainly wasn't contiguous.

I really want to cry, or sleep for a few years, or something like that.

I've been in a major funk lately, and nothing feels worth doing.

That, and Lilie's depressed as well. I want nothing more than for her to be happy.

That, and Mom is being weird.

That, and work's starting to get on my nerves. Again.

So many things to talk about...

I ended up going skating with Katie. She actually gave up a shift to go, which was weird. David totally bailed on me, and Rose... we'll get back to Rose later. So it ended up being just me and her and her cousin, Becca. I followed her to the Millenium Youth Entertainment Center. There was NO ONE there. Well, there were like 2 or 3 little kids there. We skated around for an hour and a half. Or so. She *loves* little kids. She was trying to teach one of them to skate. And we played tag with them as well. I got to show off my mad 1337 skillz. Go me. It was weird, though, being just the three of us (the little kids eventually left). She was suggesting these bizarre games. The rink had basketball court markings; she was like "Okay, so you have to go around the big circle (the jump-off circle in the middle) 10 times, and the little one 5 times, and you have to keep your skate on the circle, and if you fall, you're out." It was... odd. She tried to get me to dance once or twice. At one point, she was like, "Spell your name in the air with your butt." So I told her, "I don't dance." Becaue I don't. I can't. I've tried. I'm SO SICK of people saying things like "Just do this" or "Just do it" or whatever. I KNOW THAT, YOU STUPID PIEICES OF SHIT. I can't. Or don't. Or whatever. I brought my backpack (since we were in Austin, I wanted to go play DDR afterwards); she asked why, and I told her. At one point, she said that they were gonna with me. I said something at some point about how I'm not used to people watching me do things. Well, at least, not people I know. (I'm not really reading this anymore as I type it, so fi there's more typos than normal, that's why).

Eventually, we left and went to Le Fun. I played two games (Can't Stop Falling in Love (Speed Mix), So Deep, Look at Us Baby (by mistake), Cow Girl, one other, and Max 300 (which I still wasn't able to do, but I got further than I have before). They also played one game; they failed in the second song (and it was a MAX2 machine, which automatically passes you on the first song if you play it on light. They left after that, and I stayed and played a few more games, and some Crazy Taxi, which I really like.

I need to clear something up. I know things would never work out between us. I understood that from day one, when I first liked her. I've always understood that. I might say things contrary to that, but I'm just joking around. I'M NOT (THAT) STUPID. I hope she knows that. Apparently, they're going skating again Saturday, when more people will be there, and she invited me to come as well. But I can't, 'cause we only have like 8 cooks, and three of them can't trade with me. Oh well...

Rudy and Ricky are saying that Carrie and I have been flirting with each other, and that perhaps Katie's renewed response to me may be just in response to that. I don't know... I know if I am doing it, I'm sure not doing it on purpose. I mean, Carrie's cool and all, but it's another situation where I know she'd never be interested in me anyway. I'm beginning to realize that's a fairly universal sentiment. Whatever.

I'm in a very "Fuck the world" kinda mood.

I've managed to isolate myself from just about everybody fairly well. Lost touch with just about everybody from high school after graduation. Didn't replace them with anyone from college. There's Heather, but I haven't seen her in... a long time. Probably won't, either, if past trends are any indication. We still talk online... occasionally. Nothing beyond surface echoes in a long time. My fault. David and Barbara? Nope. I don't even know if I'm going to make it to Barbara's birthday party Friday. Rose? Well, I was supposed to give her a ride home from work Saturday night. She never called. Sunday night, she called, but all I heard was "Never mind", then she hung up. I'll let her explain:

mr_binky_the_jackalope: hey Rose: hola Rose: sorry about the call Rose: i'd already told it to call you and vince was like "we'll take you home" mr_binky_the_jackalope: and yesterday? Rose: i got off really early and then we took brenda (vince's 45 year old gf) to get her navel pierced mr_binky_the_jackalope: ... Rose: and you could';ve been in austin playing ddr instead of waiting up for me... and i feel bad <...> mr_binky_the_jackalope: good Rose: good? mr_binky_the_jackalope: yes, good mr_binky_the_jackalope: and i feel bad mr_binky_the_jackalope: Rose: ... and i feel bad Rose: ah Rose: yes, good that i feel bad Rose: had i known i'd get out that early and that we'd be taking brenda, i would've called you and told you to go play

This really pisses me off, for a variety of reasons.

You'll note she never apologized for not calling Saturday night. Apparenlty, I'm not worth a call. Except when a ride is needed. The same thing happened when she called Sunday - I'm not worth enough for her to even explain the short call and abrupt "Never mind?" Right. I'm glad to know I don't warrant a call or ANYTHING. It's like, why bother? I don't think I'm being petty here. And if I am, big fucking deal. I've taken her to Austin three times, and been giving her rides home from work for what, a month now? She's been my closest friend for a while now. And to go and pull this shit? One or other wouldn't have been nearly as bad, but both, back to back? And she's either lying to me, or she was thinking of me, and just didn't call. Either way... it's not good.

SO where does that leave me? Grown distant from one close friend, dissed by the other. I don't know why Katie's still tolerating me, but I doubt it will last much longer. I can still talk to Carrie, but she kind of lives in Kentucky. She did send a very nice picture of her eyes, though. Freddie and I have been talking more, but he's moving back to Houston in a month or three, and we don't really hang out often anyway.

I just feel isolated from the world righ tnow.

Two quick sidenotes: Jerry's back. And Jeff called when I was driving home from work Monday.

<phone rings>
Me: Hello?
Jeff: Hey Will, this is Jeff from Sonic...
<click as I hang up the phone on him>

He called back twice. I hit 'ignore' both times. I don't care if it's immature, juvenile, and petty. It felt GOOD, and right now, there's not a whole lot else going on. I'm very lonely and depressed right now.

I wanna sleep... for like two years.

Argh.

I have Saturday night off, and nothing to do.

I'm 21, a healthy, young bull male, with easy access to Austin and San Antonio, and have NOTHING to do.

I'm in one of those moods right now where I kind of scare myself, because I don't care about anything and am liable to do anything.

I got to deal with two of my least favorite emotions on Thanksgiving - abandonment and helplessness. I wasn't abandoned - Suzie was. Her family was supposed to be in Wimberley for Thanksgiving dinner, but they decided to have it in Houston (as I understand it, though I may be wrong). She just stayed here. I went to Bambi's for dinner, and would've taken Suzie, but Bambi made it quite clear that she does not like Suzie, and thinks I shouldn't be dating her. Well, I've never cared what other people think, and I'm sure as hell not going to start now. Mike said the same thing, more or less - "Remember how you always said 'Why didn't anyone warn me about Mindy?'" "Yeah...?" "Well, I'm warning you now." I don't understand them - well, not really. I could kind of understand that the biting might make them weary, which is pretty stupid. I think they might also have some reservations about the fact that she goes to Gary. If that's the case, that's seriously messed up.

But I digress.

So Suzie stayed here while I was at Bam's. Janelle came over later and brought her some leftovers. I should've, but it totally didn't occur to me - and I feel pretty stupid for that. She finally talked to her dad around 8:30 or so - he had forgotten his clothes, and was going to go back to Galveston in the morning, and wanted to go to sleep then. At this point, and for good reason, Suzie felt abandoned. She was in tears for a while; I can only imagine what she was going through. That's when I felt helpless - here's this beautiful, sweet girl who I care for a great deal lying next to me, tears in her eyes because she's been abandoned by her family, and all I can do is sit there, and look at her, and let her know I'm here for her. WTF??! I didn't know a damn thing to say. I feel so worthless.

Signs you're dangerously bored:

• You go into a Yahoo! Chat room, and start correcting spelling mistakes other people make. Not one or two, but every one, for like twenty to thirty minutes.
  

I think that list is comprehensive enough. So life's been interesting lately. Someone hit my truck and smashed the driver side rear brake light. I don't mean 'hit' in the sense of a car-car collision, but more like a car-baseball bat collision. At first, I wasn't sure, but I'm pretty sure I'd notice a car-car thing hard enough to break it. But I can't figure out who would do that to me. Probably some damn punks. Maybe it was the same ones who stole my CDs and B5 cards that one time, or the guys who turned my lights on once to drain my battery. Oh well...

I finally got my home DDR pad. It's pretty neat. It does slide a teensy bit, but that's not that big a deal. It's really neat. I really need to clean my room. I'll do it as soon as I finish writing this. Correction: first, I'll get my bedding from the dryer, put in another load of laundry, and see if Janelle actually emptied the dishwasher before she went to bed like she was supposed to, so I can do the remaning dishes. After that, I'll make my bed, clean my room, then... probably play Warcraft III, Civ III, or use my new SNES emulator. I'll even get around to doing my Probability homework at some point. I should be going to sleep, but that doesn't sound that appealing right now. For the past two months or so, I've been dreaming about Chelsea. Nothing raunchy or weird, just... dreams. Things that wouldn't seem out of place in real life. Well, except for once or twice. She's killed me in my dreams, I think once. But she shot up the whole room, so it wasn't like she was singling me out. Well, that, or she didn't mind taking out a whole room, so long as she got me. But like I said, mainly just normal occurences. I've had a few where she came back to town, and we met up again. Those are my favorite. The least favorite? Probably the ones where I relive the things that transpired between us back in 7~8^th grade. Those make me cry. I mean, the things that I did... I didn't do anything *bad*, just *stupid*. Like never calling here... avoiding her... not being able to notice THE MOST OBVIOUS SIGNS IN THE KNOWN WORLD!! SIGNS THAT ARE SO OBVIOUS, PEOPLE ON THE MOON COULD SEE THEM!! I really hate dwelling on the past; I prefer to analyze it, learn from it, and move on, but right now, that's a little hard.

King of the Hill is on right now. Bobby and those two asian kids are stuck in the caves... he noticed them holding hands. Then, he started whining about how he's gonna die alone and unloved. How coincidental. Then he said, "Like Weird Al Yankovic." Except he pronounced it "Yank-o-vitch", which drives me crazy. It's "Yank-o-vic!!!" That bugs the ever-living snot out of me.

I realized something the other day, when Dave asked to borrow my truck and I wouldn't let him. I'm a pretty easy-going guy. I don't get upset that much, and I stay mad even less. People can say whatever they want about me, doesn't bother me. I've been teased since kindergarten, for one reason or another, so I've gotten used to it. People can do things to me, and I'll get over it. It used to be, or at least, I used to think, the only way to make me mad, and stay mad at someone, was to mess with someone I care about. But I realized that's not true. I don't like being abandoned. I'm not talking about breaking up. That's not abandonment. Not really. Well, it is, but not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about something like when someone agrees to meet you somewhere, and lead you through unfamaliar territory to somewhere, then purposely leaves you halfway there. Or when someone agrees to meet you sometime, and you never see them. Ever again. Well, if they die or something, that's not their fault, but that's an extreme case. I'm still trying to figure this one out. I mean, I got lost a lot when I was a kid and i went with my mom to the store, but I don't think that's quite it. I keep thinking maybe it's tied into my current social state, but it just doesn't fit. I haven't had an abandonment that really hurt, which would really tie this whole thing up. I'll have to come back to it.

Why did I break out into tears Thursday? I'm not totally sure, but I think I've pretty much nailed it down. I'm lonely. Not just in a no-girlfriend-in-far-too-long way, but a no friends kind of way. I mean, Jarrod and I only talk occasionally, and we have less and less in common. I mean, we'll always be great friends, and I'll always trust him, but our paths are seperate now. Just people to talk to, share all of those little stories that happened that day, that aren't significant except that they happened to you and you're talking to your friends, people to share things with, listen to, talk with, you know... I don't know... I've lost my ability to meet new people. It feels like everyone else has their friends, and they're good to go. I mean, I know that's just an illusion fostered by my current anti-social tendencies, but the brain and the heart don't always communicate effectively. Like, we have to form study groups for CS. I can't even approach people for that. That's a new low, even for me. Argh!! Why am I so afraid to talk to people? I don't think it's rejection... I've had plenty of that growing up, and I've never worried to much about it... Except that is it, isn't it? I wasn't afraid of rejection 'cause I had a base to fall back on, people I could always talk to, regardless of whether or not some girl said she'd go out with me, or some new student responded well to my overtures or not. Except that's not the case anymore. I no longer have a safety net to fall back on. It's analogous to losing everything and having to start over. I mean, no disrepect to those who have suffered tragedies and have to actually do this, but it almost works. But... I don't think I can. That's what terrifies me, what makes it so difficult for me to fall asleep at night. Well, that and the fear of this continuing for the remainder of my life. I mean, that seems like a pretty stupid thing to worry about, so let's limit it to college. I've been here a year and a half. Granted, I've had a few maturing spurts here and there, but the idea of being this alone all through college...

Man, i'm gonna go play Warcraft or Civ now. Take my mind of it for a while.

Just got home from work (actually, it was over an hour ago). Yesterday was my 20^th birthday. It was interesting. I say that a lot. Um, Sunday night, (the night *before* my birthday), me and mom and Janelle and Bam/Greg and Jerry all went out to eat at Chili's. It was pretty good, and the wait staff sang happy birthday to me. Then yesterday, I went to school and work like a normal day. But Janelle and Caitlin (that's misspelled, but no one reads it anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter that much) showed up with a cake. It really made my day (and the rest of the crew's day, who also got to eat cake). Then, after eating my cake, I got to keep it too. I've always wanted to say that. I also made that painful realization. Those of you who have a bad habit of developing crushes on the *totally* wrong people know which one I'm talking about. The one where you realize, no matter how hard you might try to deny it, that it just wouldn't work out between you and your crush. Even if your dream came true, even if you got that one special evening together, it just wouldn't work out. I hate that part. I haven't really talked to Zara since the incident w/ Lisa at Dobie. Oh yeah, I guess I haven't actually talked about that one yet.

Well, basically, "David" mentioned to me that it was really obvious that I was crushen' on Zara. We asked Lisa if it was, and she said that things were never obvious to her (I also learned she's going out with Josh, which I didn't know). Moments later, Lisa said, and I quote (actually, I don't remember what she said. This is, at best, a paraphrase):
"What do you mean, Binky HAS A CRUSH ON ZARA?"
The parts in all caps she said REALLY LOUDLY.
It was... well, not quite embarrassing, but I wish she hadn't said it. Sometimes, I think that kind of made Zara really uncomfortable around me anymore; but I could just be imagining things.
Oh well...
I wonder what the deal between her and Tom is, anyhoo. I mean, it's not really any of my business, but that doesn't stop me from wondering.
I'm going now, because SNL w/ the Spice Girls is on Comedy Central.