Never ever have I ever felt so low

So Jess asked me today how things are going with Ambra, and Felicia and I touched on that topic when she called about getting some stuff for the Steak Fanatic pizza, since she was about to run out and the office decided at the last minute to prolong the period of time in which we're offering the disgusting abomination. Yeah.

In both cases, I didn't really have an answer. Well, I did, kinda. The answer I had was that there wasn't anything to be going. I think that's my fault, as I haven't really pursued anything yet, mainly due to our schedules. Well, that, and I don't think I'm in an emotional state to even consider seeing someone else, when I can't seem to get past the last person I saw. I don't think it would be fair, the whole thing just sort of screams 'rebound' to me. So every time the oppurtunity arises, I passively let it go. Which got me to thinking about whether or not I should even try. I mean, first off, I'm not over Lilie, not by a long shot. Her stopping by work today and talking was enough to send me to the walk-in, crying, after she left, which was fun. Yeah. But something occurred to me about my relationship history the other day. Generally speaking, if the past is any indicator, this (Ambra) would end up being a disaster, or not ending well, or something like that, for the simple reason that someone else didn't do the hard part already.

That sounds a little weird, so I'm going to go dredging about in my past, a favorite pasttime of mine, and categorize my relationships by some new standards and see what patterns emerge. It should be fun.

Chelsea

Ah, yes, the one that started it all. Now, to be fair, you can't really even call this one a relationship. I mean, holy crap, we were kids. To be fair, yeah, a lot of kids are pursuing relationships - or some twisted version of it - this young, but I sure as hell didn't know what was going on.

• Initiation: Completely by myself. No help, nothing from her.
  
• Duration: A year, from the beginning to the end, but there's a lot of holes in the middle.
  
• Quality: Terrible. As I said, I had no frickin' clue what the hell was going on. My connection to reality has always been tenuous at best, and it was particularly weak concerning the fairer sex when I was younger (not to imply, by contrast, that it's any better now.)
  
• How: She finally realized that the entire thing was a terrible idea, had nothing to do with reality, and ended it. I appluad her for the action.
  
• Now: We never really talked before hand - I was too nervous - and not much after - I was too embarrassed. So, yeah.
  

Overall, a complete disaster. And it was all me. Isolated incident, or ignored foretelling? We'll see.

Shayna

I moped around a lot after Chelsea dumped me; one day, in Gamez's Algebra I class, Shayna raised her hand and asked, "Can I go over to Billy's desk and talk to him to make sure he's okay?" And gosh darn it, she did.

• Initiation: It was kind of a natural progression from the concern she showed for me, and the whole thing kind of grew out of that. I can't remember who asked who out, but the whole thing started from her.
  
• Duration: A couple months? I remember telling her I had a crush on Barbara in Ms. Baker's science class, which was still eighth grade, so I'm going to go with about three months, give or take.
  
• Quality: Pretty good, all things considered. Looking back, I'd say we clicked on certain things, and didn't really on other things, but more so positive than negative.
  
• How: She started things off when she came over and checked on me, and moved the whole thing along, until I torpedoed it all to hell. I'm pretty good at that. Told her I had written Barbara a secret-admirer letter, and that was pretty much that.
  
• Now: Friendly all the way through high school, but I haven't talked to her since. We're friends on MySpace, but haven't actually had any communication since. Good stuff.
  

She started things off, and they went well, until I ended them in my own special way. Inconclusive so far.

Barbara

So I developed a crush on Barbara, and pursued it. We went out for a while. I want to say sometime in April until band camp in the summer of our freshman year. Yeah, that sounds about right - her birthday was in late April, and I went to that as her boyfriend (or whatever), and I remember Josh giving me her break-up note after practice one day in summer band.

• Initiation: I asked her out after telling her I liked her. Nothing from anybody else.
  
• Duration: A few months. Five?
  
• Quality: Meh. We wrote letters back and forth almost every day, and went on a few outings - mainly movies, that I can remember. The Saint, Empire Strikes Back (I think), and Volcano spring to mind.
  
• How: We wrote letters back and forth all the time, so she broke up with me via letter - gave it to Josh to give to me after he was sure she'd left. In it, she said that I was "Immature" and two other things I don't really remember. She later (several years later) told me that she actually felt smothered. Fair enough.
  
• Now: We eventually started talking again later in high school after she spent most of freshmen year ignoring me (actively), except when her and Terri needed help in Biology, since Dufas was really, really bizarre and I was one of the few people who was able to figure out just what the hell he was trying to teach us on any given day. Spent some time with her via David a year or more ago, but nothing recent.
  

So this one is kinda like Chelsea - I started the whole thing, no third party help and nothing from her, and it was... well, lukewarm, for lack of a better word, and it ended with almost no warning.

Mary

Not going to go through the whole thing with Mary, since it lasted... three weeks, if that? I'll just mention that she asked me out within two weeks of school starting, we went on one date, and then she broke up with me. Fun stuff.

Crystal

Almost the exact same pattern as above. Hmm...

Kenni

Ah, Kenni. These were the good old days. Now that I think about it, I'm probably going to drop the structed list format and just kind of ramble. I met her at a pool party when Kristina asked if she could bring her little sister, which she did. Didn't think much of it at the time, 'til school started. Kenni was a freshman; I was a junior. Every morning, she'd come find me and give me a big hug and wish me a good day. Didn't matter where I was - in the cafetaria, chess club, or doing random tutoring in an equally random classroom - every morning, a good-morning hug. I eventually realized that that might be a sign, talked to Kristina about it briefly, asked her mom for permission, then went for it. Great relatiionship - we hung out a lot, enjoyed each other's company, gave each other our first kiss after the Homecoming Dance... good memories. It ended rather abruptly, because of a third party, it had nothing to do with either of us. So yeah, fairly successful, overall, and she started it.

Mindy

I'll try to keep this one brief. Crystal introduced us, since she thought we'd be good for each other, and Mindy wanted an older boyfriend. We hit it off very well right from the start, and had a long (at least by my standards - a year and a half) rollar-coaster relationship. We broke up and got back together eight times, and were a *bunch* of firsts for each other. Finally ended when I started going to UT. Fairly successful overall, and Crystal started it for us.

Suzie

She im'ed me one evening about what a jackalope was, and when we finally started hanging out, she dropped a ton of hints - we were sitting in her bed, and she had me start brushing her hair, a few others, until she finally takes me to this empty beach at like three am, and we had a moonlight stroll with the tide gently lapping at our ankles. I kissed her, she kissed me back, and we launched a four month relationship that lasted until I broke up with her on February 1st.

Lilie

Credit for this one goes to Kristen and Allison, who seriously tried to hook us up, and talked too much about it, respectively. The thought crossed my mind a few times during the relationship if it would have happened without their actions. Meh. Another fairly successful relationship brought about by other people's actions.

Sara

We only went on one date, but this was one that I pursued unilaterally, without second or third party assistance. Bombed when she found out I was an atheist, and told me she wouldn't be comfortable dating someone outside her religion.

Terri

Sort of skipped her, but I threw out any pretense of order a while back, and I'm approaching stream-of-consciousness writing here. We have a longer history than Mindy and I, and most likely just as tangled. It's really hard to say anything about this one in this context, though I remember one evneing at the Alkek library when she was definitely pushing hard to the hoop.

I guess the idea I'm trying to explore is that by far, my successful relationships have been those that were initiated by or came to fruitation through the acions of someone else, even the girl in question - Lilie, Mindy, Kenni, Suzie; whereas those that I initiated completely on my own - Barbara, Heather, Sara - tended to be lukewarm, go nowhere, and end relatively quickly or never even start. Now, it's not a definite rule - look at Crystal and Mary for very good counter-examples. However, as a general hypothesis, it does seem to fit most of the current evidence fairly well. Now, as to why, I have no idea. Granted, there's probably more of a confidence boost when there's definite signals coming in, and the fear of rejection is much, much less. That, and there's several layers of filtering already done, so any early flags that might have been thrown have already been cleared. However, I've never liked depending on other people to carry important messages for me - I'd rather do it myself.

I came to this realization almost a month ago during some reminiscing. I think it scares me, because as I grow more and more socially isolated, the chances of having that third party assistance - which, for the record, I've never solicited - declines rather steadily, not to say anything of the likelihood of second party signals.

I don't think much of this post makes sense, but I'm going to go with it anyway.


All Saints -- Never Ever

Simple and clean is the way you're making me feel tonight; it's hard to let it go

Super quick, short recap: So, I went in to work at 6, opened with Tracy. Pretty standard. We usually have a blast opening together, since we're the same age, similar experience, etc. We understand each other enough that the morning goes by really, really fast. We both got *really* tired at lunch, too. Fun times. Came home, went to sleep. I had talked to Rose about going to see Elektra that night, since it was fifty cent movie night, but when she called, I was asleep. I answered the phone, but I have no recollection of our conversation. That usually happens when I try to talk on the phone when I'm asleep. Didn't do much else last night, or today.

Urg, 'net connection just went down.

Okay, fixed.

Started a Tauren Druid. Seems okay so far. I'm about halfway to lvl 10, which is when I get shapeshifting. Had an... interesting conversation with Shelley earlier, but I'm not allowed to talk about it.

So, where does that leave me? Well... I'm getting better. Tuesday morning, I felt almost normal again, though I'm pretty sure it was just a combination of being fully occupied, shit-faced tired, and riding solely on adrenaline. Let's see... I've accepted the fact we're not together, and I can say we're not going to get back together without a need to hedge it. One of the main things I seem to be having problems with is picturing her with other guys, but that's nothing new to me. That became a lot easier, though, when I realize that if that's what makes her happy, then that's the optimal solution. It's slowly migrating from a sharp, biting pain to a dull sense of loss. Of course, that may just be my mind doing what it takes to get what I want. That, of course, being hanging out with Lilie again. This is starting to sound a little weird - overdoing it a bit, 'cept there's NOTHING else going on in my life; usually isn't. Eh, at least it's something to write about. I just wish she would tell me she doesn't like me anymore. That would make things easier.

Actually, no, it wouldn't, and I'm glad she didn't. Unless she doesn't.

Or something like that.

So, back to my life story, as told by the bizarre set of relationships I've been through. So, we left off with Mary.

Terri

This is the first of the really complicated ones (there're three). We went out a total of... four times? Five? I lost count. I don't remember when we went out throughout Freshmen, Sophomore, and Junior year. I'm pretty sure one time was between November and April of Junior year, but other than that, no idea. All I really have is assorted memories. There was one time I went with her to Alkek to work on some research thing, and we were in this private study room thing. Nothing happened, though not for lack of effort on her part. I was still... kinda shy around her at that point. I remember when we went on a field trip to some art museum in Houston (I think) for AcaDec; David went too. There was some disagreement about who she was going to sit with or something, she ended up sitting with David on the way there, and me on the way back. I think that was *right* before we went out another time. And then on the actual AcaDec trip, her hotel room was right next to mine. Ours - there were some other guys in there, of course. Anyway, it was late (dark, past lights-out). There were doors adjoining each pair of rooms, but you had to open them from each side. (If you think you know where this is going, you're wrong.) So it was known that I don't sleep in beds in hotels; I usually end up sleeping on the floor somewhere, when I do go to sleep. So these fingers start appearing underneath the door between our rooms; it's her. Apparently, I was supposed to open the door... who knows. But I didn't. (Told you.) So there was just a lot of weirdness like that during the early years of high school.

Terri was a very... sexual girl. Horny may be a better word. Like this one time we were talking on the phone kinda late at night, over at Jarrod's. Kinda hot stuff going on. When I hung up (we'd been playing Twisted Metal as well), he told me, "Wow. I didn't know you did phone sex." I didn't either, but apparently, we had just had some light phone sex. I remember another time when we were talking on the phone (similiar to last time), and she started... making some odd noises. First time I'd heard those in person. I was... a little surprised. I asked her about it, and she confirmed it. Fun times.

We did kiss, eventually. Actually caused a major fight between Mindy and I, since we (Mindy and I) were going out at the time. Though I don't try to justify it, there were extenuating circumstances. So, Terri and I were good friends since... seventh grade? I know we've known each other for a long, long time. We'd been through a lot, and there was a lot of romantic tension between us, since we both had feelings for each other throughout most of high school. She decided to graduate a semester early, in December. After that, she was moving to Canada to go to Preacher school. I don't understand it either. Anyway, we were hanging out one last time before she moved to another country. I can't stress that one enough. It was very much, "I don't know when I'll see you again." We were sitting in my truck, in the parking lot between Italian Garden and (now) Murphy's Deli, across from Taco Bell. No real reason, we had just been driving around. We sat there talking for a while, and things got quiet. We both knew she had to get home soon. And, things just kind of happened. Our heads got closer and closer, until our lips collided. It was a full-on, open mouth making out with plenty of toungue. This wasn't the first time I'd made out with a girl, courtesy of Mindy, but not with this kind of... I don't know how to put it. It's almost passion, because we didn't know when we were going to see each other again, and this was something that should have happened between us a *long* time ago.

I told Mindy about what happened, and she got (quite understandably so) upset at me. Don't blame her one bit. Got through that one okay, though one time when we were, um, going at it, she made some comment about me imagining her as Terri. I really didn't know what to say to that one, and told her that it was really offensive.

Anyway.

So Terri moved to Canada. Went to Germany to work with a church there, while her family moved to North Carolina. She came back to the states and moved to NC as well. That's when we started talking again. That summer, the summer of '02, after my first year of college, I actually drove out there to see her. It's... um, 26 hours or so. Didn't stop, except for gas. Got there at like 4 in the morning. Fun times. I remember that night really well. Her parents had this really big RV thing, with a little extra room/tent looking thing, and I slept there. All in all, it was a pretty fun vacation. We kissed a fair amount while I was down there, but nothing more. The one weird thing, though, was that she started talking about how in love with me she still was. That... kinda freaked me out. I mean, we hadn't seen each other in like, a year and a half? Didn't say anything about that before I left. Sometime later, but not that much later, I think a few weeks, she was in town. I was still really freaked out, so I didn't return her calls or anything. Yeah, bad idea on my part.

Flash foward about ten months foward. That was when Rose and I started talking a lot online, and somehow, she relayed to Terri how sorry I was, and Terri and I started talking again. And sure enough, I drove to North Carolina *again* that summer. This trip was a little easier, since I had discovered DDR that November, and my physical stamina was much greater, so I had no problem staying awake (as I did the first time I drove there). And Terri really, really pissed me off while I was down there. When I had first mentioned the idea of coming down there again, she mentioned that she had moved out, and had her own apartment now. However, when I got there, she had neglected to mention one little detail - her family had moved in with her. Now, I like her family (for the most part), but I was looking foward to not having to deal with ANYONE the entire time. I just wish she would have mentioned that before I got there. Secondly, well, this one requires some backstory. I *hate* driving. I mean, anything more than like half an hour, hate it. That is, of course, the main reason I haven't already graduated from UT, and transferred to SWT. I especially hate driving by myself. That's why whenever Lilie asked me to go get her some food or something, I'd usually make a half-hearted request for her to come with me.

Anyway.

So the day after I get there, after making this 26~ hr drive, Terri decides we're going to this little town two hours away. Of course, I'm driving. She knows how much I hate driving - the topic came up several times while we were talking about me coming down there again. And to top it all off, this little town thing we went to... was a stupid little artsy-crafty tourist walk-around-and-look-at-all-the-cute-little-shops place. OMFG!! It really, really upset me. I mean, normally, I don't mind that kind of thing, and am more than happy to walk around for a few hours in such a situation. But this was the first day of my vacation, following a twenty-six hour drive. Um, no. She didn't even tell me where we were going until we got there. I suppose I could cut her some slack; she was probably trying to be nice. But if so, she could have put a little more thought into it. Anyway. So I tried telling her how I felt, and she got very, very upset. Some... other stuff happened too, and I ended up spending most of my vacation at the arcade, playing DDR. That's where I met Carrie, briefly.

So visit number two ended badly as well. I left... three days early? It was funny, because I had the time off that I had requested, so I went in and wrote on the schedule that I was back in town and available to pick up shifts as needed. That being the middle of summer, I think I ended up picking up shifts all three days I was supposed to be off. Fun times, all in all.

But the story doesn't end there. Nope.

One day, some time later (I don't really remember when, though if I felt motivated enough, I could probably dig it up in here. Possibly.), they told me someone was asking for me out on 31. I look out, and sure enough, it's Rose, Joy, and TERRI. Fun times. So we were in the middle of this major rush, so I had to just have Bonelle go out and give them my cell phone number and told them to call it some time after six or so. They did. Terri and I ended up driving around a while, and things happened, and we ended up in a hotel room for the night. Almost had sex. I remember that we were both topless, but that's about as far as things got. Turns out she was allergic to latex, and that wasn't a path I wanted to tread. Anyway, we spent the night together, and she went back home, and that was that. That's more or less the last time I saw her, except for a brief stint where she was online with a webcam in New Mexico (I'll come to that later; the only reason I mention it here is that she flashed me. I had forgotten about it, until not too long ago when I was cleaning out my computer and came across a series of webcam captures from that incident. Fun times.)

Crystal

I almost forgot to add this one in. I was actually typing about Mindy when it occured to me that I had forgotten to put in Crystal. She came up to me and asked me out one day, and I was like, 'Um, okay.' We went out for... a month? I don't really remember that much about dating Crystal... I think she liked to write *really* long notes, and tended to over-dramaticize things, including how close we were. I went with her to her church youth group meeting one time... that was kinda weird. And I drove her home after that. No, wait. I dropped her off over by Crockett somewhere. Was she staying with a friend? Maybe I gave her a ride *to* the church. No, 'cause it has a definite 'end of the evening' feel to it. She wanted me to kiss her. I know that now, though at the time, I was woefully oblivious. And she broke up with me not that much later, for that reason. Recurring pattern, it would seem.

Kenni

So that one kind of went on for a while, in terms of chronology. I'm backing up a bit, to Junior year. Crystal and Terri were it during sophomore year, and I remember by the time summer came around, I had been single for a while. We had this pool party near the end of the summer; we being Janelle and myself, with each of us inviting, I think, eight people. One of the people I invited was Kristina. She said she couldn't come unless she brought her little sister. Or just asked if she could. I don't really remember. I told her sure, that'd be fine. That was the first time I met Kendall. That's what she goes by now, at least. I've always, and probably always will, call her Kenni. It is sort of annoying, though, when people think I mean another Kenni - during high school, Kenny Leeper, and now recently, Kenny McCreight.

Anyway.

So we talked a little during the pool party (remember, this is way before I had major social problems; I was very outgoing at the time). Didn't think anything of it, though.

Silly me.

When school started, Kenni was a freshmen, and I was a Junior. Every morning, she would find me no matter where I was - cafeteria, where I usually was, chess club, only on Wednesday mornings, or helping someone in some class, and give me a big hug and tell me good morning. It was... really nice. So finally, I got around to thinking about her in that way. I remember, I wasn't the only one. I seem to recall about the same time David taking an interest in her as well. I think. I could be wrong on this one, but I distinctly remember a conversation I had during 1st period American History with Kristina about if she thought Kenni should go out with David, and if she thought I had a chance with her. The only problem was, Kenni wasn't allowed to date until she turned 16 - some rule her mom had. It was either that, or she wasn't allowed to go on '1-on-1' dates until then. Something like that. However, I had known her mom for a while through Kristina - we carpooled to summer band one year, among other things - so I called her up and talked to her about it. I recall saying "I'm seeking your permission to court your daughter."

Yeah, I know.

Quit laughing.

Anyway.

She repeated that out loud, really loud, and was laughing. Fun times. Anyway, long story short, she had known me for a while, and trusted me, so she gave me her approval. In fact, she even let us go out by ourselves, despite Kenni not being 16 yet. She would turn 16 in about... two or three months. I forget the exact date. That we started going out, I mean. I still know her birthday. She was born a week before me. Well, a week and two years.

Anyway.

So we went out, and things were great. Had a lot of fun. I don't have any chronological memories, though I do remember one time when we went to help move some wood for the band barbarque. It was her mom's cousin, or brother, or something, that had it out on his property, so we were driving out there to meet him, load it up, then bring it back and unload it at the band hall (or something like that). It was a fairly long trip out there - like two hours or something. The actual loading up went rather smoothly, though her mom was tossing pieces of wood over to the trailer, and one hit me in the head. Fairly hard. I was bleeding a lot, and the guy dumped this ice cold water out of the water cooler on my head. I made some joke about 'Ya know, if you don't want me to date your daughter, there are much easier ways to express your dissapproval' or something along those lines. That evening, Kristina drove her mom's car-mini SUV-thing to the store, with Brandy (her best friend) in the passenger seat, and Kenni and I in the back. We were clinging to each other the whole way there and back. Not in a romantic way, but in an oh-my-god-I-don't-want-to-die way, 'cause Kristina barely know how to drive a stick. So that was fun. That night, we - Kenni and I - went down the pool, just the two of us. Had a lot of fun. All strictly innocent, for those of you with dirty minds. We didn't even kiss, though that was soon enough.

Went to Homecoming together. She wore this gorgeous burgundy dress. Lots of fun. That night, I had my first kiss. (Yes, my first kiss was Homecoming night, my junior year. Deal with it. It was her first kiss too) I walked her to her door, as my mom has drilled into my head since my very first date, and went to hug her good night, and she interrupted me with a good night kiss.

We kissed a lot after that. I have one very distinct memory of the two of us sitting in the band hall after school, watching the percussion sectionals, sitting on top of the trombone cubies, and stealing kisses when the director wasn't looking. They were all close-mouthed, for those of you who might get the wrong idea. So yeah, we had a lot of fun together.

Then, one Wednesday, I want to say about two months after we started going out, her friend Melissa Roundy came into the chess club meeting. She walked up to me, and I don't quite recall what she said. The general gist was that Kenni didn't feel safe around me anymore, and was breaking up with me. I caught a brief glimpse of her (Kenni) crying as the two of them left. I would later - much later - find out there was... an incident with her mother's boyfriend the night before. So I didn't talk to her for a while, but we're still good friends.

Mindy

Ah, Mindy. Dear sweet Mindy. This was, I think, my first real relationship. Of course, it was still a little high school thing, but definitely a real relationship. To put things in context, we broke up a total of nine times. That means we got back together eight times. She was two and a half years younger than me. No, wait. Three and a half years. Fourteen and seventeen, when we started going out (8th and 11th grade. Fun times.)

So, we've got a lot of material to get through, so let's just start at the beginning. Um, Crystal Todd (yes, the Crystal that I dated earlier in the story) told me that she had this friend that wanted a boyfriend in high school, and she was a really sweet girl, and she thought the two of us would get along really well, and asked me if I'd be interested. My judgment has never been terribly great, so I said sure. Couple days later, I get a note from a random hand sticking out of a school bus. It's from Mindy. We talked on the phone not too much later, for like four hours. We went to the skating rink together, with Crystal as well, fairly soon after that. We had a lot of fun, getting to know each other, asking questions, that kind of thing. We hit it off really well right from the start, had a good connection.

We started going out on April 7th. Not quite sure why I remember that, though I usually remember things like that (I still know her address and both phone numbers, as well as her old Yahoo sn/e-mail). I have a few scattered memories of the early days. She really liked 'The Thong Song' by Sisqo, I remember requesting it and dedicating it to her one time; she really liked that. I remember one time (all of this was at the skating rink; we went there often on Friday nights) she had me lead her around the skating rink for like two laps, with her eyes closed, as a trust thing. Worked out well, though she did stumble right at the end. I remember one time during 'Genie in a Bottle' when Christina says "You gotta rub me the right way", I came up behind her and ran my hands down her sides. She loved that.

The next memory I have, besides the rampant note exchanging, was going on a triple-date to the bowling alley. We had a blast. It was Mom + Jerry, Bam + Greg, Mindy and me, plus Brennan and Janelle (there were the odd-two out). For some odd reason, I remember she had her hair up in pigtails - she did that often, during the early days - and she looked *so* cute when she did. Anyway, I had to take her over to the skating rink after that - she was riding home with Crystal (oh yeah, they were like *best* friends at this time. They also lived next door to each other). Anyway, we were sitting outside, in the skating rink parking lot, when she mentioned that I owed her a kiss. This was a month or two, I think. Maybe it was during the summer. Not quite sure. I do remember we started kissing early on, and often. Anyway. Actually, come to think of it, this may have been our first kiss. Maybe not. Anyway, we had some thing going on - I think it was a trivia game or something, and she was ahead, so she decided I had to kiss her that evening. I leaned over her, and kissed her on the lips, but still very short, very close-mouthed. She looked at me kind of funny, said something like "Not like that" and leaned over to me.

And that was the first time I made out with a girl. We made out a lot after that. We were... a very affectionate couple. You know those people you get annoyed at 'cause they're making out in front of you at the movies? That was us. At least, until we got smart and started sitting in the back. That was until we found a make-out spot. My mom worked in this building that had a litte spot right next to it that was basically completely hidden from anywhere; you could only see it if you were right there. So that was fun.

That summer, she went to Colorado with her church group. I ended up going too. Oh, yeah, I sort of also had this neo-Christian phase. Not entirely because of her, though she played a major role. So we went to Colorado together. Lots of fun. I also remember I arranged things to ride her bus home one day near the end of the school year. I had to sit out on the patio in front of the cafeteria for like four hours, though, since we got out at noon, and the buses were still running at their normal times (this was during finals). So I rode the bus home with her, and had to walk like half an hour from the closest stop. Fun times. Wait. The kiss happened after this. I'm sure of that. In fact, come to think of it, it probably happened after the Colorado trip as well. Not entirely sure, and it's not entirely germane.

Anyway.

So school started back up, and it was really, really cool, 'cause she was there on campus too. I'm pretty sure we got warnings more than once for PDAs. Not kissing, though - holding hands, that kind of thing. Not that we didn't kiss.

Anyway.

So I got my truck somewhere in here - late October, if I remember correctly. Before that, I had been driving my mom's car. We went to homecoming in Mom's car - she still had this... white car that looked like a fish. She wore this... blue spaghetti-strap dress, very shiny. Fun times. So I came out of Math club one day, and found that Mindy had done my truck windows up like Homecoming, with shoe polish everywhere, cause she didn't have the chance to do so earlier. Let's see... what else?

The next memory I have is breaking up with her. I was wearing some green shirt with an Irish thing on it that Bambi gave me. We were standing out by my truck. I... think it was the end of the day.

And that's definitely enough for today. I started writing this five and a half hours ago, though I certainly haven't been writing constantly.

Sit down and I'll regale ya' 'bout my nephew from Australia

Will the deluge never end? This is will be my... fourth post tonight? Third? Something like that. This one may be the hardest to write, though. The others were nothing more than recaps and summaries.

This, of course, also means it's harder to write. Well, not really. That doesn't make it harder to write. The fact that I'm trying to put down how I feel about Lilie and our situation makes it difficult to write.

That whole thing I posted the other day... all I was really trying to say is that I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that there's something else. Something I did wrong. Or didn't do. Or did, but shouldn't have. Or something like that. And I don't know about it, and am doomed to make the same mistake again.

I've usually been good about analyzing my mistakes and learning from them... but this is one area where that isn't the case. Apparently, I've learned nothing. Now, my first disclaimer: There will be those of you who feel that I'm making a huge deal out of this, or just need to calm down and roll with it, or something along those lines. You're partially right, but that's how I am. I analyze things non-stop. It's one of the few good (well, sometimes) good things about having such a strong stream-of-consciousness. But this is really my only place to get this out - I don't really talk to anyone about this (well, except Jarrod, but that's because he asks me about it every time I we talk, because, well, that's what we do.) So among other things, I'm searching for some catharsis. If that's a problem, get out. Seriously. Leave me to my own little corner of the web, where I'm just going to do my thing, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Anyway.

On a sidenote, I actually just burnt her a CD to replace the one she dumped some Mountain Dew (the most toxic substance known to man) on. Well, not entirely. I've been meaning to, but it just never happened. Today before work, I fell asleep, then had to run to my appointment, which went way late. Yesterday, I had my car problems. Sunday, I was sleeping and doing housework. You get the picture. I don't know what was on that CD, so I'm improvising here. I think I'm going to start another section on my blog that has my burnt CDs both so people can see what I listen to and so I can keep track of what I've burnt. I'll also put the CDs I've burnt for her on there, so I can avoid repeats on CDs. I wonder, though, if the discman she got that can read MP3's is the one hooked up to her car. If so... that makes things a lot easier. And a lot more difficult.

So it's finally sinking in that we're really, really broken up. I always had this hope that one day, she'd call me up and ask me to come over, and surprise me with a kiss. Or something like that. Or we're just hanging out at her place one day, and she comes over and sits on my lap (like last time) and hugs me, but something more. I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Fuck that. I do.

Again, I belive her when she says it's just that she's not ready or doesn't want to deal with a relationship right now. But I can't stop my subconscious from conjuring up these thoughts, and they're easier to deal with when I get them out somehow - it used to be by talking to someone about it, but this works as well. Will we just be close friends from now on? Will we never again establish that deep, deep connection? Or is it just buried deep down, ready to resurface at a later time?

See, that's the kind of thinking that makes it so hard for me to let go. Which I've never been terribly good at; mainly, because I don't *want* to let go. I don't want to lose that connection with her. I just don't.

[[Oh - interesting sidenote. When I got to work today, I saw Kevin's truck in the parking lot. I thought perhaps he had come to pick up Shelley. Nope. She drove it home. Or rather, out of the parking lot and turned right, so I can only assume that was her destination.

...

Intersting choice on his part.]]

is that my fate? It seems to be what I do. Maybe that's all I am - the friend. Mabe that's all I'll ever be. I mean, I understand that it's my fault, for being who I am. Girls don't want someone that's kind of girly - a guy that's so shy about making moves. Seriously. Of all the relationships I've been in... I've made a move on someone... once? Kenni dropped hints for me to kiss her for two weeks before she finally got tired of waiting for me to catch on and just kissed me. Mindy didn't wait around, and basically told me to kiss her in the parking lot at the skating rink. That was funny, looking back. Had she not, we wouldn't have. Rudy made the famous comment, "You're such a good big sister to these girls." I'm sure being as stubborn as I am doesn't help. My horrendous taste in music, my near-obsession with DDR; hell, it's a miracle I've found relationships that have lasted as long as they did. and it's probably the case that three years wasn't nearly as long to wait as I should have. I just need to let go of the daydreams. To realize that her and I are through, that we're friends now (note: I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I love being friends with her. Don't read something here that I didn't say.)

*Sigh*

At the same time, I can't. The same stubborness that keeps me apart from people prevents me from giving up on something like this. Which is a bad thing, because it's only when you reach your heart out with hope that it can be crushed.

I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I like her. I like her a lot. I don't know how she feels about me, nor do I think I will. But it's five in the morning, I've had maybe two hours of sleep in the last 40-something, so I'm going to let myself ramble. These may be the half-coherent ramblings of a sleep-deprived freak that's out of synch with reality, but hey, it's who and what and where I am, and that's all I have.

It's one of those insecurity things - I've done it before. You get afraid that perhaps you want to be with someone, or be friends with someone, much more than they do, so you wait for them to call you. On paper, it sounds kind of weird, but I've found myself doing it over and over again. The best example is near the end of my first year of college, when I actually called Chelsea, and we e-mailed back and forth and talked a few times (I still remember the conversation I had with her roommate - "Hello, is Chelsea there?" "Yeah, but I'm on the other line. Can I take a message?" "Sure! - Just tell her Billy called, here's my number: 512..." "Wait, that's waay out of town. Lemme get her.") It seemed like she was only responding, though. So I gave up on that. It's frustrating, but something you learn to deal with. It's akin to surrendering the ego - just letting go.

Maybe that's what I need to do. Just give her her space. Well, I sort of already did that, when I didn't try to contact her for a few weeks. She did call me, after she was feeling better. I don't know, I just get... tired. Tired of thinking that I've maybe formed a special connection with someone, which, while I have, isn't quite what I thought it was. Tired of falling for people that don't reciprocate. Tired of being hurt, and being hurt only because I set myself up for it so perfectly. I just want to find somsone that I'm comfortable with, that loves me for who I am, not in spite of it. That's all I really want out of life. Don't get me wrong - I understand that kind of thing usually doesn't come along when you're looking for it, and surprises you; I'm not. I'm just making an effort to understand myself.

I keep getting it pointed it out to me that I don't fit in. With people. I've never really found a group of more than two people that I didn't feel like an outside around. Back in high school, we had our little group of friends. With any one or two of them, I was fine. However, once we were in a group of four or so, I was the outside. Mind you, these were my good friends during high school. It's the same thing at work - well, not quite, 'cause I'm not really friends with anyone at work (I'm still confused as to why Lilie took so much offense at that statement. I'm really not. I'm friendly with people from work, but I don't think I'd consider myself friends with anyone from work. Freddie's definitely an exception, as we talk a lot outside of work, but he's probably the only one. I've been talking more with Jess, so that might be another, and Javi, though that's really just a work-based mutual respect thing. If you don't believe me, observe me at a party with the work group. It's... weird to watch. That's not a criticism on any of them, mind you - they've always been quite welcoming. It's just some bad wiring in me. I just really, really don't understand why Lilie took so much offense at Bennigan's when I told her that I'm not really friends with anyone from work. The only thing I can think of is she thought I was including her, or that I was saying I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone I work with, which isn't the case. She is the counterpoint to each of them, oddly enough.)

But I understand that it's my fault with the whole friend thing (I mean, only being friends with girls, not being boyfriend-worthy material or however you want to put it, not the feeling like an outsider even with groups of my friends thing). Like I was saying before, I'm just not what they want. I've read it, I've talked to girls, I know - girls like it when you make the move, that kind of thing. That's just an example, though. There's other one, some tied in to the whole "12 year old girl' thing. That, of course, started out as a commentary on my taste in music (Aqua, anyone?). Well, the Care Bears doesn't help, I'm sure.

Anyway.

Yeah, that's probably all I'm good for. The friend.

Lilie, I'm sorry

Dream quickies

Weird dreams:

Suzie, a ride, making out.

Kenni, a bake sale, Lucas.

Some kind of train?

I'm going to leave now and play DDR with Cullen.

And continue my rampage.

Picture dump: 11/21/04

Assorted group of pictures, some of which are kind of old: The trip to Italian Garden, parking my truck in the grass, seeing Kenni again, and my trip to the Mitte Art Gallery.

Hard to see with the sun siloutting her, but this is Lilie as we sat outside Italian Garden. Yes, these pictures are fairly old.	Here's her looking at the menu inside.
Janelle was sitting across from me. She got her hair cut *really* short.	Here's Kenni and I when I ran into her at Freshen's.
And her by herself.	There's my truck, parked in the grass. Didn't get towed or a ticket or anything.
And closer up.	Closer still.
And the left side, to show you how quickly the grass is... out of control.	This is the first of a set of pictures of works I critiqued for my student work critique.
I had to turn in my program along with the critique, so I can't remember the names of any of them. I didn't care for this one.	This is not a photograph.
"Alcoholic and bottle."	Not getting anything.
This was one of a set of Peruvian landscapes. I like this one.	Pandas are cool.
A nice distorted-reality effect.	Proof I was there.
The first of four shots of a girl and a guy in a bunny costume. Disturbing.	2
3	4
All four in a group.	This one was my favorite.
Followed closely by this one.

Your words were like a dream.But dreams could never fool me

So Lilie came over yesterday and downloaded the WoW beta client. it ended up taking a while; we were dl'ing from Blizzard's dedicated server, and of course, everyone and their dog was as well. It ended up leveling out at about 50 KiB/s, which meant the 2.5 gig file took about 14 hours to download. She got here about 4; left about 10. So that was fun.

Yesterday was a weird day. It was a day of ex-girlfriends. So I ran into Kenni at the LBJ student center; already wrote about that. I sent Chelsea a short 'Happy Birthday' email that morning, and she responded. The entire exchange is posted below. Later, Suzie IM'ed me, and we talked a little bit. Which was kind of weird, right in front of Lilie.

Right after I got home, I checked my email, then started cleaning up my room, in an attempt to make it halfway presentable. Got most of it done; went ahead and took a shower. I brought my phone into the bathroom so that I'd hear it - I wasn't sure if she or Sonic would call, but wanted to get it either way. She did, and we talked ("You're talking on your phone in the shower?") briefly. I told her to take her time heading over, since I was about to finish up my shower. I did, and she pulled up right as I was getting the last pile of dirty clothes out of my room. I checked my email real quick, and that's when I got the message from Chelsea. All Lilie saw was me go "Oh shit; oh shit" as I read it, then I closed it up. It was really, really weird. Apparently, I still have all kinds of unresolved issues there - I started to break down pretty fast. I went into the bathroom and shut the door and cried a little, but managed to regain my composure. I came back into the bedroom and lay back down, but I just kind of lay there. I wasn't really sure what was going on, but I kept almost crying. I hate that feeling.

She picked up on what was going on - or rather, that she didn't know what was going on - really quickly, and tried to comfort me. I eventually (sort of) explained what was going on. It was just... really weird. This is the second girlfriend (well, technically, she's not, but it sure feels like it sometimes) (Suzie being the first) where I've just completely broken down in front of them about Chelsea. Tracy and Ashley agree that that's probably not a good thing, especially if I want to form a lasting relationship - that's not something a girl likes to see, their boyfriend (or whatever) crying to them about another girl. It's not like I chose to, though.

But anyway.

We got it up and running no problem, other than the slow connection. I've never had terribly fast connections here as it is. So we hung out. Watched 'The New Guy', which is an awesome, awesome movie. She hadn't seen it before. We also watched a bunch of misc. comedy clips I have, and some Celebrity Jeopardy from SNL. Janelle came home at one point, and made dinner, which was cool. Steak fingers, fries, and corn.

Delicious.

Lilie is a salter, just like Janelle. Disgusting.

Qw juaaws kir rgeiyfgiyr rgw xiyeaw id rgw wcwbubf, Rgwt awwnws ri vw niew bs niew o aauib rwm rii, U agiyks xk eudt rg rm rgiyfg, Rgwew q ab;r bt n jubf iyrm vyr kir id rgwn awwnws xkiawe riq esa rg r rg b vwdiew, U sus xinnwbr ib urm bs U ajws gwe viyr ya juaaubfm bs giq agw awwna ri oyr ya ub oiauruib qwkkm bir hyar gwe U gwko ri juaam qg r qurg iye d xwa ai xkiawl ainwrunwam iye kuoa ew ai xkiaw rgwt;ew kniar riyxgubf, Qw ar erws ri q rxg Sisfwv kkm vyr fir viyr ducw nubyrwa ubri ur, Qw g s birgwe kibfm kibf r kj viyr ya, U riks gwem U kq ta awwn ri d kk die rgw qeibf owiokw, Agw ewaoibswsm U quag U xiyks vw rgw eufgr oweaib, Rg r;a ew kkt hyar bir d ue, Agw kai a us ainwrgubf kibf rgw kubwa id ;ya; Bir vwubf ub rgw x esa m qg rwcwe rg r nw ba, U ybswear bs rg r gwe bs Aw b g cw ainwrgubf aowxu km bs U sib;r q br ri ubreysw ib rg r,

Wait. Ignore that last sentence.

Twam U si, Hyar ibxwm U;n fiubf ri ubsykfw ntawkd, U ew kktm ew kkt q br gwe, U q br ri vw qurg gwe, Qgwb qw;ew ktubf bwzr ri w xg irgwem U q br ri juaa gwe bs bir g cw ri giks btrgubf v xj, U q br ri kiij ubri gwe wtwa qurgiyr dw e id kujubf qg r U aww rii nyxg, U q br ri jbiq rg r agw;a rgubjubf id nwm bir ainw fyt yo ub Q agubfrib,

Okay, glad i got that out. I can come back to reality now.

Ai drwe rg rm U q kjws gwe iyr ri gwe x e kujw bien km bs U juaaws gwe fiisvtwm dufyeubf ur qiyks vw ibw id rgw k ar runwa U juaaws gwe,

I was wrong.

Agw juaaws nw v xj, Niew o aauib rwkt rg b agw;a wcwe juaaws nw vwdiew, Qw n sw iyr, kir, Qw wbsws yo oewaaws f ubar gwe x e, U rgubj ur q a ainwrgubf kujw rwb nubyrwa qgwew rgwew q a birgubf wkaw ub rgw qieksm hyar gwe bs nwm bs rgw xibbwxruib vwrqwwb ya, Qwkkm bir birgubf wkaw x e sus seucw vtm vyr bwurgwe id ya x ews, Qguxg ua xiik, drweq esam agw sus n jw xinnwbr viyr giq agw;s fibw bs xibdyaws rgubfa f ub, Qguxg q a qwues, U g s dwq are t rgiyfgra ua agw siubf ur ib oyeoiaw Siwa agw wbhit rgw issurt U;n bir ayew, Agw wcwb ajws nw drweq esa ua agw;a fiis juaawe, Agw ua, U dwkr v sm rgiyfgm ;x yaw U jbiq U;n ew kktm ew kkt eyart ur;a vwwb yurw qgukw aubxw U;cw ew kkt n sw iyr qurg btibw,

U g s ri x kk gwe kurrkw k rwem ;x yaw agw kwdr gwe aybfk aawa bs w eeubfa gwew, Agw x nw v xj bs fir rgwnm bs agw qwbr ri juaa nw fiisbufgrm vyr U susb;r juaa gwe v xj, Qguxg q a ibw id rgw vwar bs qiear ninwbra wcwe, U sus qguaowe ub gwe w e rg r agw g s bi usw giq nyxg U q brws rim rgiyfg,

I fell asleep 'bout 3 or so. Woke up and opened today. Tracy was the carhop, which is great - her and I get along really well. There's a lot of verbal sparring. She got mad at me because I kept forgetting to ask if they wanted creme and sugar with their coffee, so I started putting "-KS" on random things (that's code for "No creme or sugar"). She started doing it too. There were a few frustrating moments, but all in all, it went pretty well. Ray's stepping down as a manager, though, and Rick is starting to express some concerns and anxieties as well. We're also losing Rudy in a week or so, which means Dave may be in a tough spot here soon. I'm going to try to take advantage of the situation and get a raise, because my current pay rate is ludicrous.

Lilie stopped by right before I got off to see if her thing had finished downloading. It had. Well, I was fairly sure - when I left at 6, it still had about half an hour left. I fired up the torrent for the K season of MST3K (12+ gigs; about 10% done) before I left, so at least something would be worked on as well. I told her I'd call her when I got off, and she could come over and we'd figure out how to burn this 2.5 gig archive to disk (with WinRAR as a last resort). She actually got there about the same time as I did.

On the way home, there was this really obnoxious blonde bitch right behind me. She was doing like 30 - 45 down these tiny residential roads, and was kind of swerving, and just causing problems. I really, really hate people who can't drive. I mean, I make my share of mistakes, but they're few and fair between. For the most part, I'm a competent driver. I've never been in an accident, though I've come fairly close. The other area I really excel is multi-tasking. I can carry on multiple conversations at once (and do so fairly regularly at work, especially taking an order and talking to someone at the same time), and can split my attention multiple ways without significantly degrading performance in either area. So, I can drive while talking on a cell phone without issues. I don't really pay attention to the phone. Let me rephrase that. I do, but just enough to maintain the conversation - my primary focus is still on the road. I've even had people comment on my ability to do so. However, I've seen plenty of people who *can't*. And that's really annoying.

So anyway.

We had some issues with the archive, until I grabbed Winzip 9.0 - Winace couldn't handle it, for some reason. Took 4 CDs, but got it done. She didn't really hang around much longer after that, which was suprising. Well, not that she left, but that it took her so long to do so. Shelley IM'ed me/her/us/whatever while she was here. Had a couple interesting conversations.

I crashed after Lilie left, and woke up about 7. I initially freaked out, since I thought it was 7 am, and I had two tests to prepare for and some probability homework to do before then. But it wasn't; I had just taken a short nap. Mike came in shortly thereafer; we had some interesting conversations. I finally showed Janelle the wonders of BitTorrent, and got that, as well as Spybot and Ad-Aware, set up on her computer. Cleaned up her start menu and got rid of a bunch of unnecessary programs as well.

Which leaves me here.

Safe in my own skin; I just want to be happy again

So I talked to my CS teacher, and she's going to let me take the test on Wednesday. That's all sorts of awesome.

I'm still worried about FA, but not too much. I'll deal with it and do the best I can.

So this morning, I didn't leave 'til about 9:15 or so, since I haven't had any problems finding a spot. But I did today. I couldn't just go home and walk to class, since I had to be at my chem test. The final replaces the lowest test, but only if you were there for it - no auto 0-replacing. So I couldn't find a spot - spent about twenty to thirty minutes looking for one, to no avail. So I jumped the curb and parked in the grass so I could make it to the test on time. And I did. I was a little late, but oddly enough, Paige had left a copy of the test on my seat for me. Which was pretty cool. I wasn't terribly afraid of them towing my truck - I doubt they'd be able to get the tow truck over the curb, especially given the tight confines of the parking lot. I was worried, though, that they'd give me a ticket.

They didn't. Booty!!

Called Rose, to ask her ud U xiyks yaw gwe ub ibw id nt oiaauvkw usw a ubcikcubf Kukuw,Vyr agw q ab;r rgwewl U kwdr jubs id b iss nwaa fw, Qw;kk aww giq rg r fiwa, As I was walking through the Student Center on my way home, I ran into Kenni. Yes, first kiss Kenni. Hadn't seen her in a *long* time. She's still engaged to Billy; she went up to Kentucky to see him graduate from boot camp, and he's coming down for her birthday. We talked for a bit...


ARGH!! FUCKING SONIC!! I HATE YOU!!

Ray's not coming in tonight - I think he's quitting or something - and they need someone to come in and manage tonight. Argh. We don't really have any assistant managers - Me, Ray, Javi, Rick, and Rudy. 'Cept we all have very restricted schedules - Rudy's only Saturday and Sunday, but not Sunday night; Ray's quitting, it sounds like; Javi works his ass off already; Rick is working tonight, but only 'til 10, so I might go in and finish everything up, we'll see. I know what Lilie's going to say.

Speaking of which, she's going to come over and use my broadband connection to download the WoW beta test client, burn it to CD, and take it home. So that's fun. We'll hang out as well, it's no t like she's just coming over to use my connectin - we didn't talk all weekend.

But I have to go now, and get ready.

Running Errands

Just got home from running some errands. Deposited my paycheck and got a refund on the solenoid that the mobile mechanic took out of my truck the other day. Went by the Guadalupe Sonic to grab some lunch, and ran into a couple of old acquantices. First, I saw Kassi, who's still a carhop there. She told me that that Sonic is much better - the managers are all really cool, and Rob, the GM, is the nicest of them all. She also said that although she's only been there a two or three months, she's recieved a dollar and a half raise.

Damn.

After she brought me my food, Kenni showed up right outside my window. Holy crap!! She still looks gorgeous as ever, although she did have some glitter on her face (not a lot, just a few sparkles). She's working at Hong Kong Restaurant as a waitress; other than that, we didn't get to talk much. Oh well...

It's funny, because I look back at Kenni as one of the best relationships of my life. First kiss.

~*Le sigh...*~

Chelsea Williams
Shayna Schiflett
Barbara Deichmann
Mary Alls
Terri Ann Mahan
Kendall "Kenni" Galpin
Crystal Todd
Mindy Lynn Hoch
Nicole "Nikki" Bachle
Suzannah "Suzie" Donaldson


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Dru Dabelgott
Melissa Pickett
Katie Wilkinson


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