Still working on saying goodbye to you

So I tried googlin' this one, but didn't get anything:

"You make me feel like a dog standing on a toolbox in the back of a pickup truck doing 90 round a corner just tryin' to hang on for dear life..."

However,

"So baby run
Cut a path across the blue sky
Straight in a straight line, you can't get here fast enough
Find a truck and fire it up
Lean on the gas and off the clutch
Leave Texas in the dust
I need you in a rush
So baby run..."

came up as "Run" by George Strait. Well, except that it says "Dallas" instead of "Texas". I can't help but believe that these are about Scott (we'll learn about him later). Anyway.

I don't know how much of this I'll be able to go through, since I have to leave for work in twenty minutes, but we'll see. I just feel like getting it all out now.

So, that was the backstory. A couple weeks ago, Lilie said that she was taking a vacation. She didn't want anyone to know where she was going, but she did this fairly religiously twice a year or so, to get away from the world. I accepted it at the time, didn't really say anything about it. I mean, the thought crossed my mind that there was something else involved, but I dismissed it - generally, when thoughts like that come up, they're just me being insecure, so I don't lend them any credence. The only real force allowing me to do that, though, is trust in the other person. More on that later.

So, last week. I think it was... Monday night? Somehow, Lilie and I ended up talking about us - probably my fault. I think I was asking her about her kissing me or something; I don't really remember, and it's not terribly germane. She said something about just having issues right now, and used the phrase "commitment/relationship/monogamy". Now, the first two, I could understand, but the third one really threw me for a loop. I replied with something along the lines of 'And here I was going to make a joke about how I was so afraid you were leaving this weekend to go see some guy, 'cause I'm really afraid that you are.' I was giving her every chance to deny it. I mean, if she wasn't, there really wasn't any reason not to. She didn't. She said, "I really wish I knew what to say to that." (Maybe "respond"? Not sure.) Now, reading that, I concluded that was, in fact, almost an admittance that she was going to see some guy. I was crushed. I thought things were over between us at that point, and was prepared to tell her as much Tuesday night.

Tuesday night, I went over there. I was joining her RP guild on Feathermoon, but couldn't access the website from my computer for whatever reason - that reason being Grande, my ISP, sucks. Anyhoo, for most of it, I acted like nothing was wrong. In fact, we even kissed a few times, kinda like the old days. Except - I was kissing her goodbye. I wanted to be something special to someone, which I didn't think I was anymore. So, eventually, I started crying, and she was a little worried, and finally got me to start talking. I explained what was going on, and my reaction to that, and how how I felt. We ended up having a really long, heartfelt (at least I thought at the time), sincere (again, I guess that was just on my side) conversation. What it boils down to is a few differences between us. I'm very open - when I like someone, I don't hold back; when I trust people, I do so without any reservation. I don't mind sharing just about any detail of my life, and feel that knowledge is always better than ignorance. She, on the other hand, is "bitter and cynical; a selfish bitch" or something along those lines. She told me that she wasn't used to explaining herself or justifying herself to anyone, as she hadn't had to in over six years, whereas I was probably more used to it, since I still live with my mom.

I don't really remember how long we talked for... half an hour? Forty five minutes? We did end up on the dining room floor, lying there and talking. I know I cried somewhat; I don't remember if her eyes misted up or anything. I told her that I wanted to be special - and I'll explain what I mean by that later - and she told me that I was. She'd always smile when she saw a DDR machine, 'cause it reminded her of me. (Yay.) She talked about how she wasn't sure if we could ever really just be friends, and was worried about how I'd handle her dating other guys. I explained that I know I'm young compared to her (in terms of life experience) and naive and idealistic, but I'm not stupid. I *know* she'll date other guys. I can deal with that. I just can't deal with this behind-the-back type stuff about it. She told me that she wasn't going to see some other guy ("Do I really come off as that much of a slut?") and that she didn't deny it then 'cause she just wasn't used to explaining herself.

So I felt way better after this conversation, and left, feeling like an ass for making such an out-there assumption, and taking this action based on it.

This will, of course, blow up in my face in two days. But you already knew that.

Wait... I went over there on Wednesday, I think. 'Cause we were going to hang out the next day - Thursday - except she had to go to work early.

I'm confused on what happened on which day. But the order is right, and that's really all that counts, I s'pose.

Friday morning.

So the morning that she was going to leave, I burned her four CDs for the trip - two dance compilations, a dance megeamix, and a Jewel compilation. I also made copies of the first two for myself. Went over there 'bout 6:30 am, but she had already left. Darn, I figured I'd give them to her when I got back.

Friday night.

So, Rose's lease expired on Monday, and I was going to help her move out over the weekend. Except, I worked 5 - C Saturday and Sunday, so we were going to do it in the mornings. Rose was asking if I wanted to come up there and crash that night, then wake up early and start, but I figured I'd just wake up early and drive up there in the morning. There was also a Sonic party going on, but I didn't really want to go.

Kristin calls, and I talk to Bruce, and apparently, Leslie is going to be there, so I decide to go a little later. So I'm lying at home, bored, when I pull up Lilie's old LiveJournal while going through my bookmarks. It has a new post (first time in over a year), which reads as follows:

"No, I don't update my journal.

I have another one.

But I'm not telling you what it is.

Muahahahahahahaha*cough, hack*hahaha!

Or something.

2004 sucked. Let's hope 2005 is better."

That flips my memory, and I remember her mentioning that she had started a blog, but didn't want anyone to read it. So I decided to look for it. Now, before you criticize me for that decision, keep in mind several key points:

• If you don't want something read, DON'T post it online
  
• Even if you do, don't tell people about it
  
• And especially don't make a "Haha, I'm not going to tell you where it is" type post. That's a challenge, pure and simple.

Took me... three minutes, maybe. Probably not even that. My third guess was correct, and I found her blog. Now, I won't post the address or anything terribly private, but several key excerpts:

"Dating B technically, but S, who I've known since the dawn of time, is all acting interested again...it's kind of disturbing. We won't talk for six months or so, but when we do, we have such a connection. Only problem is that he lives in NY. So that's kinda not really feasible...but anyway."

Note the "six months". And she takes her vacation(?) twice a year or so? Probably just a random coincidence, but something to note anyway. That's dated Dec. 19th.

Jan. 01
"Split with B didn't help...I didn't mention that, did I? Right. So yeah, we broke up. I couldn't handle it. What the hell makes me think I can handle dating S instead? There's like...twenty-six states between here and Troy"

"But...I dunno what I'm gonna do about this thing with S...I'm goin to visit him end of the month, it's kinda scary."

I felt like something snapped inside of me when I read that post. Now, I know she's going to date and/or be with other guys - I can handle that. It's going to hurt, sure, but that's something you accept when you date someone. Or rather, you should, or you're just being childish. But the way she lied to me about it - trying to turn it into me accusing her of something - "Do I really come off as that big of a slut?" - like I should feel guilty for even considering the possibility? I mean, we had this big conversation about it, and she was lying to me about it even then. It wouldn't be such a big deal, if she didn't claim to like me, that I was special to her. I'm so insecure, and when something like this - the vacation, I mean - comes up, the *only* thing I have is my trust in them. That's it. And she broke it completely. She was trying to tell me how she'd rather not know, but she was using some weird example of some ex-boyfriend who started dating someone else. That's a... little different, and I think she knows it. For example, when I made the post about being all sad about missing the chance to make a real commitment, (the post about WoW), she called me that night and wanted to know what I was talking about. I didn't want to tell her, to surprise her, but she got really upset when I wouldn't - "Left to my own devices, I get all paranoid about things like this, like it should be something that's going to upset me, or make me sad, or jealous...". Right. Double standard?

Looks like I have to go to work now - I'll finish up that weekend when I get back.

Now that I've covered the clerical stuff, I can get to the real things that matter. Like my personal life. Or, well, to be more accurate, the complete and total lack of one. Take things between Zara and I. There aren't any. I'm not just referring to a romantic relationship, I mean anything at all. We're tenuous friends at best, co-BUH-ites at worst. I can live with that (as opposed to the alternative), but I can always dream. It's not there's like there's much else to take my mind of how I've totally screwed another chance. I broke out into tears today after CS, on my way to the Painter Lab. At first, I wasn't really sure why, but I thought about it and figured it out quick enough.

It's happening again. Back before high school, I used to have major self-esteem issues. Part of it - most of it - came from the things Donnie, David, and co. put me through between fourth and ninth grades, I think. But by tenth grade or so, I was doing pretty good. By the time I graduated, I was doing great. College put a stop to that, though. A few of these thoughts came from Lilana today after the meeting. It was really easy going to High School in San Marcos, 'cause I've been here for almost nineteen years, and know everybody. I had a great support base, a great circle of friends... even meeting new people was really easy, 'cause I wasn't really going out on a limb - I had my net. But the summer of '01, it all changed. I lost contact with everybody from high school, except for Josh and Jarrod. Aside from those two, I haven't talked to anyone from High school since graduating, except for the short, meaningless platitudes you exchange when you see an old acquantince after a while. So I entered college totally bare, so to speak. And I've totally forgotten what it's like to be that way. I've been totally unsuccessful at making new friends, and I've been here over a year and a half. I mean, I've tried the obvious stuff - meeting people in my classes, clubs/organizations, that kind of stuff. No go. It's like I've forgotten how to connect with people. And it's on a subconcious level too, which really scares me. I find myself totally unable to "just go talk to someone", which is another good piece of advice which totally fails. It's really scary. The only new people I've met are the Knighthood, which doesn't really count, because I can't accurately describe myself as friends with anyone in there. There's also a few people in CS, but now that I've managed to get held back a semester, I'm gonna lose that connection. I'm pretty sure I'm sliding back down the self-esteem slope, which is a major not-fun downward spiral - the worse you feel about yourself, the harder it is to meet people, and the harder it is to meet people, the worse you feel about yourself. A lot of times, I feel like I don't really belong in college. I mean, intelectually, yeah, I s'pose I do, but on a maturity level, I usually feel like a little kid playing an odd version of pretend. I suppose that a lot of college students feel that way, but it certainly doesn't help. I'm just not sure where to go from here...

Don't even get me started about my thoughts on my future...