Bishop Rumsfield :: 13:22

Crowd Member: The monster gave me syphillis!

Mob Leader: And now, I'd like to bring to the stage the bearer of Christ's withery light, Bishop Rumsfield. Will you please say a few words for us.



[crowd chants: God!]

Bishop Rumsfield:

Jesus is the door.

[crowd cheers]

Jesus is the way. Jesus is the only doorway into Heaven.

[crowd cheers]

And for that door to be open, we must smite the unholy monster within this-here tower! Our lord and savior Jesus commands us to smite this unholy abomination, this devil's concubine, and purge its unholy and tainted soul from our fair and sacred shire.

[crowd: Shire!]

The book of our Lord Jehovah commands that this monster must be smote with holy retribution.

[crowd chants: Smote!]

Asimov 13:12 says, "Let no monster feast upon the tangy flesh of man. If man does happen to get feasted upon, fellow man must take up arms and smite the monster into oblivion...

[crowd cheers]

...And after a hard day's smiting, there will be free bread[?] and rum[?], Jesus-bless."

An excerpt from the Malious Malificorum, "The stench of monster shall wither fields, rape women, deform local cats...

[crowd cheers]



...The only thing one can do is form a smiting committee to go forth and smite that monster with holy retribution."

Jesus was the first monster-smiter. He smited the massive two-headed [something] armed with only his wits and a thorny crown of doom.

[crowd cheers]



We, my brothers, must follow in the bloody footsteps of our Lord and smite monsters!

[crowd cheers]

Only through smiting can you free yourself from eternal damnation!



[crowd: Damnation!]

We find that if you do not smite this monster, a better [error] fate awaits you in the afterlife. Dante's 10^th circle of Hell, the most foul, itchy, and evil of all the circles...

[crowd chants: Itchy!]

That's enough. This place is dedicated, reserved for those who don't smite monsters.

[crowd boos]

Do you want to suffer in Hell because you let a monster eat your babies?

[crowd: No!]

[something] 5:15 tells us, "If a baby is eaten by a monster, that monster must be a-smitten." And remember this, Romans 10:13 says, "For whoever shall come upon the monster in the tower and smote it shall be saved." John 8:44 PM said, "Don't let the monster deceive you by believing there is some other way, other than a good smiting. For he is a liar, and father of lying monsters." [something] 3:16 goes on to explain that "Monsters were created by Jehovah for the sole purpose of smiting." And finally, Christopher Robins 4:66 says, "Let the monster be smote with such fury that it rains blood and organs for forty days and forty nights."

[crowd chants: Blood!]



"[something] into itty-bitty [something] infested the chickens, and then cook and eat those chickens.", Seeyonix 6:66. So sayeth the Lord. Amen, my brothers.

Bingo on Tuesdays.

[crowd chants: God!]

Mob Leader: That's right, God.

Sheriff Ogen Mallack :: 8:55

People, please! This is not the time to remain calm!

[crowd cheers]

If we're to have law and order in this town again, we must go in there and tear that beast from limb to limb!

[crowd cheers]

If we're to feel safe sleeping in our beds tonight, we must strike this evil from our village.

[crowd cheers]

Think of your children, damnit! At long last, won't you think of the children?

[crowd cheers]





Ed! Ed! You know what I'm talking about. I mean, I mean... Ed, Ed, can you honestly go home tonight and can you say to your little Sally, "No Sally, I didn't kill the monster. I didn't kill him at all. In fact, he's probably going to come in here tonight while you're sleeping and devour you whole!" Can you say that Ed?

[crowd: No! Kill him! Kill the monster!]

That's right, kill the monster! I mean, think about it. How long's it been since we killed a monster, anyway? I mean, I mean, that's right, 'bout eight weeks ago, give or take, that was just Evan's two-headed goat and I mean, we all got riled up, we all got all worked up, "Oh, it's the beast. It's the demon-spawn." Let's face it. Let's face it. That thing just bleated and soiled itself while we bludgeoned it to death. That thing in there...

[crowd cheers]

I've been in there, folks. It's twenty feet tall, it breathes fire, it picks its teeth with our babies' bones. That's a monster we can be proud to tear apart!

[crowd cheers]

I mean, that's a lot better than a two-headed goat or enormous suspiciously colored squirrel.

[crowd cheers]

Exactly!

[crowd cheers]

So as the law in these parts, I say it is your civic duty to forgo all reason and due process and got yourself into a frenzy, and in fact, if Proposition 831 passes...

[crowd chants: Frenzy!]

All right! That's what I wanted to hear.

[crowd cheers]

In fact, if Proposition 831 passes...

[crowd: And it should!]

It'll be enough to get you out of a year of jury duty to form a monster-killing mob and participate in the slaughter of a beast like that one!

[crowd cheers]

So let's [something something]!

[crowd cheers]

[crowd chants: Kill!]

How could I forget?

Today is No Pants Day.

Heh, been a while since I've written anything here. Like, a month and 23 days, to make an exact approximation. I thought no one was reading it (which I thought from the get go, so don't ask why that's an issue), but I had some interesting conversations today, and one of them included the tidbit that Lilana apparently reads this. How odd... so I guess the blog di Jackalope returns. For now, at least.

Lemme think, what's transpired since the last time I got around to doing this? Well, the semester ended. I did okay, I s'pose. I got the B I knew I would in Italian, and the A I hoped for in m343k. Two anolomies - got an F in CS315, which I should have had an easy, high A in. But I screwed up jar-ring two of my projects, which totally screwed me over. Also failed gov310l, which is just embarrasing. To pull that off, I never went to discussion, which I later found out contained quizzes accounting for 30% of my grade. Oh well... brought my GPA down to a 3.3-something, which, while much lower, isn't that bad, and it'll come back up this semester. I'm taking cs315 again, and have like the first three projects already done, because Downing is a $#@#%!#!@#@. I really don't like him. I'm also re-taking gov310l, and this time, the grade consists of 3 tests, each 30 multiple choice questions, and 10% attendance/participation. So those are two easy A's. I'm also taking m362k, Probability I. I'm pretty sure I'll do really well in that class as well - I got a 5 on my Stat & Prob AP test, and do understand the subject matter fairly well. Hmm... also taking Italian 312k. Non mi piace. Luckily, though, it's the last semester of italian I have to take. I missed class yesterday, which makes me feel bad, but not that bad. Finally (yeah, 16 hours, a new record for me. Man, I love flat-rate tuition) m427k - Advanced Calculus for Applications I. So far, it seems... ridiculous. The instructor's pretty hard to understand, and the things he's doing on the board, well, I understand what he's doing, but not why. I'm gonna start going through the book this weekend, and I hope that'll help. My predictions for this semester? B in italian, and A's in everything else; well, maybe a B in 427k, but doubtful. If I somehow took 10 hours over the summer, I'd be a senior at the start of the fall semester, but that's not gonna happen.

The Knighthood has some new plans on the horizion. My favorites:

• Running for Student Government. This one just appeals to me on many different levels. And it sounds hilarious.
  
• Gingerbread Jews. Not that I have anything against Jewish people, but this one is just so hilarious. And it represents a good chance to get another warning, or even actual disciplinary action.
  
• Paddle Bob. The possibility, and probability, for that matter, for mis-interpretation are just so high that it can't fail.
  
• Pog Championship. An excuse to go overboard and over-the-top. Can't wait.
  

Winter Break was pretty good. Got a new computer for Christmas. 2 GHz processor, other fun things. It took a while, but I networked it with my mom's, and now we're utilizing the cable connection, which is pretty nice. Right now, I'm dl'ing Robin Hood: Men in Tights, which is a funny, funny movie. New Year's Day, though, was horrendous. Here's a day-by-day recap as to why.
Monday: I had to work 5 - C (11:15 or so). After getting home, I knew I had to work at noon Tuesday, and do some chores beforehand, so I figured I'd go to sleep around 1~2. That gave me a solid eight hours of sleep before I needed to wake up around ten or so. That didn't work - I couldn't fall asleep until, well, sometime between 6~8. I still woke up at 10, though, so I got something like three hours of sleep. I quickly cleaned my room, did the dishes, and vacuumed and mopped before going to work. Work, was, well, work (hell), but at least I was fountaining, which meant I wasn't burning myself in the kitchen. I worked 12 - 7, which isn't that bad, but 7 hours is the near the upper limit of non-double shifts worked. I got home, and I was TIRED. I felt sooooo bad, I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep for a week. I told my mom, quite explicitly, not to wake me up should I be asleep at the crossover. I was about one billion percent sure that I'd be asleep by then. About nine or ten, I could feel my eyes about to close, so I gladly embraced sleep. Apparently, though, no one told Jerry, my mom's boyfriend, about my predicament. He opened my door at 11:59, which instantly awoke me. I remember saying "Oh no" as I realized what he was about to do. He came in and threw confetti everywhere, saying "Happy New Years!". Not that loudly, though. I'm not really mad at him for it, though, 'cause he didn't know. But my mom, she has no excuse whatsoever. She came in with even more confetti, covered my room and bed in it, and YELLED quite loudly. Needless to say (but I'm going to anyway), I was now quite awake, and felt even worse than I had that day. It took at least ten minutes to just clear the confetti off my bed. Jarrod called not that long after to wish me a Happy New Years. Hearing the distress in my voice, he asked if I was okay, and I began to tell him what was going on. I broke out in tears halfway, I felt so bad. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't fall back asleep until TEN O'CLOCK THAT MORNING, and woke up THREE HOURS LATER. I'd now only had ten hours of sleep in 72 hours. Man, I just wanted to die. Luckily, though, I did finally get some real sleep Wednesday night. But that just sucked so bad.

Almost Saturday. Saturday will be fun. So far, Zara, Jarrod, Josh, Brian, Christine, Devon and Kristina are all going to play Lazer Tag, and Caleb will be joining us after he gets off work for dinner. I still get to invite one more person, and I *love* those last minute things. But for some reason, I'm pretty good at pulling these off. Oh well. I just finished washing the outside of my truck. Exterior wash, wax, tire spray, and cleaned the windows. Mom asked me what's the big occasion. Well, to be honest, I'm really glad Zara feels comfortable enough around me to ride with me for half an hour together. Of course, she walked blindly into the Buh Mad-Dog party, so she could just be really brave. Either way, she's still really cute, and I can't wait for the oppurtunity to get to know her. I don't think I screwed up everything as badly as I did. I asked Tom during Ratings if there was anything between him and Zara, and he replied negatively. Additionally, Richard asked if I knew about Becky. I asked if that was in regards to Tom or Zara, but they wouldn't say. I'm guessing Tom. Which is AWEsome. And Zara and I talked on the AIM, so I guess everything's cool there. I don't know if she reads this (if I had to guess, I'd guess "No.") (and she's the only one who even might).

Ratings was really cool. The police came and made us stop, but ChaChee and Drew were telling me and Tom how they can't *make* us stop, only ask us to, as long as we don't break any laws (which we weren't).

Just got home from work (actually, it was over an hour ago). Yesterday was my 20^th birthday. It was interesting. I say that a lot. Um, Sunday night, (the night *before* my birthday), me and mom and Janelle and Bam/Greg and Jerry all went out to eat at Chili's. It was pretty good, and the wait staff sang happy birthday to me. Then yesterday, I went to school and work like a normal day. But Janelle and Caitlin (that's misspelled, but no one reads it anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter that much) showed up with a cake. It really made my day (and the rest of the crew's day, who also got to eat cake). Then, after eating my cake, I got to keep it too. I've always wanted to say that. I also made that painful realization. Those of you who have a bad habit of developing crushes on the *totally* wrong people know which one I'm talking about. The one where you realize, no matter how hard you might try to deny it, that it just wouldn't work out between you and your crush. Even if your dream came true, even if you got that one special evening together, it just wouldn't work out. I hate that part. I haven't really talked to Zara since the incident w/ Lisa at Dobie. Oh yeah, I guess I haven't actually talked about that one yet.

Well, basically, "David" mentioned to me that it was really obvious that I was crushen' on Zara. We asked Lisa if it was, and she said that things were never obvious to her (I also learned she's going out with Josh, which I didn't know). Moments later, Lisa said, and I quote (actually, I don't remember what she said. This is, at best, a paraphrase):
"What do you mean, Binky HAS A CRUSH ON ZARA?"
The parts in all caps she said REALLY LOUDLY.
It was... well, not quite embarrassing, but I wish she hadn't said it. Sometimes, I think that kind of made Zara really uncomfortable around me anymore; but I could just be imagining things.
Oh well...
I wonder what the deal between her and Tom is, anyhoo. I mean, it's not really any of my business, but that doesn't stop me from wondering.
I'm going now, because SNL w/ the Spice Girls is on Comedy Central.

We just got back from my 'Birthday' dinner. Yay. Let's see... Bambi gave me a T-Shirt that said on the back something like "Keep Austin Weird". That reminded me of Roy's avatar that says "Pave Austin". It was interesting. I explained some of the Knighthood's event to Bam, and she actually found some of them funny. When I told her Zara was in the Knighthood, she said, "Is she a wench?" I didn't really know how to respond. Then I had to drive by work, to lend Raul twenty bucks so he could buy some beer. Rachel was there, and she continued her constant "Give Will some totally mixed signs that really just make no sense, even more so then girls normally do (fail to make sense, that is)". Oh well... Payday is like tomorrow or Tuesday, so it's not a big deal. Tomorrow's the big day. I work from 5 to 11:30. Odd. But then the party's on Saturday. It should be... interesting. Zara will be there, which is another opurtunity to be a total doof. Kristina will be there, and I haven't seen her in a year or so, so that'll be good. I really don't know what to say. Apparently, putting ideas down in some sort of concrete form is not my strong suit.

Sitting at home. Just got off of work. Well, like forty minutes ago. Had to take another guy home, check my email, and put on some shorts. So now, I'm just sitting at home. Jarrod's not answering; he's who knows where; neither is Josh. It's pretty sad when you can totally have nothing to do on a Friday night when two people aren't answering their phones. It's pretty frustrating, because any other friends I could possibly have are in Austin - that whole UT thing. Zara, for instance. That makes it pretty difficult to form true friendships, as well as puts a strain on any that may form. I know, I know, it sounds like I'm whining. Maybe I am. What of it? I can deal with all of this social isolation. I do every day. But these are thoughts that go through my head every day, and it's not like there's anyone to share them with. So, I just retread the same mental paths over and over again. Writing these thoughts down does seem to stimulate thinking about them in different ways, or occasionally making me think of something new. Oh well... So, let's explore the Zara angle some more. Is this another latching on out of desperation? That thought's came up a few times, and I don't think so. I mean, I'll admit, there's been a few since coming to UT. Deidre definitely was. That girl in my philosophy class last semester was too. But I *knew* that for both of them the whole time. But I don't think so this time. I mean, it wasn't a right-away kind of thing. It was a month or two after meeting her for the first time (at a Knighthood meeting; where else?). I think it was at the Mad Dog party where it kind of came out, though. More tomorrow. Or the day after.

Yeah, so I just finished my diary, and my mom came home, and I have a new windshield. Go me, I suppose. And I've just made an idiot out myself yet again. Now, don't get me wrong, that's certainly nothing new to me. I'm really good at making a complete and total idiot out of myself (probably one of the key reasons the Knighthood will put up with me), but I haven't done it in a while (well, again, except for Knighthood type stuff). In reflection, though, that's only because I've been so isolated since joining college. It's kind of hard to make an idiot out of yourself when you're driving over an hour a day, spending another forty minutes on a bus, and spending the majority of the remainder in class or in San Marcos (where the cows don't care how you act). But now, that's changing. Now, I'm in the Knighthood, and finally managing to break out of this little isolation block I've built up. Then, there's Zara. Man, I've managed to screw things up completely in a relatively short amount of time. Usually, it takes me a little while. Not this time. But I'll thouroughly analyze that later, as I have to leave for work now. But I do have a forum for putting down all of this self-analyzation that I find myself doing, without fear of anyone actually *reading* it.