Never ever have I ever felt so low; when you gonna take me out of this black hole?

Wow. I'm approaching my old record - well, not really. I just haven't really posted in over a week.

It's just, well, a couple things. First, with school out, I've gone back to working at least 40 hours a week, so I'm more tired at night when I would normally be posting. I've also been spending a lot (both too much and not enough) time with Lilie and over there. And finally, in the last week or so, I really haven't felt up to it. I mean, I've been in this major funk. I've spent a lot of time lying in bed, not really doing anything. I hate it when I get like this - I know it's not really tied to any time of year, nor any event. It just happens. So we'll see how long it takes to get over that. But anyway...

Sunday evening, I went over to Lilie's. Details are fuzzy, but I do recall one very odd occurrence. We were standing outside - I don't know if she came out to meet me, or we were headed back in or something (actually, now that I think about it, it might have been Tuesday night, but anyway...) she started asking me about why I feel so insecure about us, and how I shouldn't. It's kind of odd, having her being able to know what I'm thinking, especially about her. Well, to be fair, it's my fault - I'm the one posting it here, where she can read it. I could always post it on some secret, third blog. Or something like that. It's the same thing with Shelley. I'm just not used to having people read this regularly, much less someone I interact with.

So we both had to work Monday morning at 10 am. Well, at least, that's what I thought. I had only taken a cursory glance at my schedule, then listened to her mentioning that she had to be in at 10. We left, and I got there, only to discover that I wasn't supposed to be in there until 11:30. Had it been 11, it wouldn't have been worth it to drive home, but since I had an hour and a half, I went for it. Came home, started Moulin Rouge burning, set up X-2 with some new dresspheres to power up, then went back to work. It was okay, although things have been getting on my nerves a lot more.

I don't really remember Monday evening. Heh.

I opened Tuesday morning, as usual, and that evening, Lilie and I had an actual date. We went to Italian Garden for dinner. It was pretty nice - I had, um, something, I'm sure. She had the manacotti. It's always weird when you go out to eat with someone who waits, or has waited, tables. I ran into this a lot with Rose - they usually end up striking a conversation with the server. I always feel really awkward when that happens. It's really just an instance of my general discomfort with service people. Like when you go into Best Buy, and that guy greets you - they've started doing that at Hastings as well. It really bothers me. I understand why they're doing it - making sure the customer feels welcome, and giving them an immediate chance to ask any questions or seek some assistance. But I'm never quite sure how to respond. Do I greet them back? I feel really stupid doing that; on the other hand, ignoring them seems kind of rude. I really wish they'd just ignore me as I walked in. For that matter, I feel the same way about employees (or sales associates, whatever) asking me if I need help when I'm browsing. If I needed help, I'd go ask for it. Or when the server, waitress, or carhop, tries to strike up a conversation. It's not that I'm being rude or I think I'm better or something, I just feel uncomfortable talking to random people like that.

So yeah. After Italian Garden, we drove around for a bit, then went to Showplace to watch Team America: World Police. She still hadn't seen it, though I think it would have been my... third, or fourth time. Something like that. So we watched it. We had to move once or twice, 'cause she doesn't like having (other) people sitting near us. Eventually, though, we got settled in and started watching it.

And we both fell asleep at one point or another. We enjoyed it, but managed to fall asleep. We were both just really tired. Oh!! I forgot. I even dressed up a little bit - I was wearing my green pants, as can be expected, and put on my black over-shirt with the really bright flowers on it. Shelley made some disparaging remarks about it, but that's to be expected.

So yeah, a good time was had by all. I'm fairly certain I crashed there that night. Yes, I remember it now. She had to leave before me, 'cause she had to go to work, whereas I didn't have to work until that evening. I think. Either that, or I was off. Yeah, I think I was off, since I opened Thursday. No, wait, that's not right. She did have to go to work later (I think), but I was up early, and couldn't lie still, so I went into the living room and played a little Twisted Metal: Black, and was going to take Shelley to work at 10. After that, I didn't feel like going home just yet, so I went over to Best Buy and looked at their RAM and video cards. I've been thinking about doing it for a while, and it seemed like a good time (don't ask my why). Anyway, while I was browsing, Lilie called. She was curious as to why I didn't say bye before I left. (I didn't want to wake her up.) It just made me feel really good, knowing that she cared.

So I bought a video card and some RAM. Of course, it was the wrong kind of RAM. My comp wouldn't boot with it at all. The video card, however, went right in and worked perfectly. I took the RAM back and had the guy find the right kind - it was in the back. I put it in by itself to make sure it worked, and the motherboard, as soon as power hit it, went "Beep. Beep beep beep. Beep beep beep." And the computer wouldn't boot. Turns out that that's the "Hey, your RAM is in backwards" alert. Silly me. Put it in right, it booted. Recognized it and everything. Turned it back off and put my original one in as well, and everything was good to go. The improvement in performance has been immense. I could even contemplate playing either CoH or WoW (not both).

Didn't do much else on Wednesday, though I did go up to Austin and play some DDR later. Stopped by Rose's to pick her up, since she wanted a ride home. Played a little, but not too much - I slammed my ankle on the bar at one point, and it's been hurting sporadically ever since. We stopped by IHOP on the way home, which was unpleasently reminiscent of the old days. If she does move back down here (which is now in question, apparently), I won't always be able to just jump up at 3 in the morning and give her a ride home whenever. Things have changed a bit. And even if I do, I won't just sit there for half an hour. It was really weird when she called me the other day at 2 in the morning - something perfectly resonable in the old days, but I was crashing over at Lilie's, and she had long since fallen asleep. I felt really bad having to disturb her, however slightly, to go get my phone (it rings really, really loudly, so ignoring it wasn't really an option).

So anyway. Opened Thursday. Somehow, Rose thought I had agreed to take her back to Austin. I swear I don't remember doing that, but I did. Take her back, I mean. Came back and took Shelley Christmas-shopping for Lilie. Since she doesn't have her own car, her options for doing so are limited, and I was happy to help. We went to Hastings, then stopped at Sonic for some dinner (the current joke is that I'm dating both Lilie and Shelley; it started the Sunday she waited in my truck for a good 10 - 20 minutes for a ride home).

Oh, haha. Just re-read my earlier posts, and I'm getting all these days mixed up. I did my video card and RAM on Friday, which means that I crashed at Lilie's on Thursday (probably Tuesday night too. This is one of the reasons I hate going so long between updates). I don't really rememeber Friday or Saturday either, which is kind of scary.

I do remember Sunday, though. Shelley and I opened. It was *really* slow. I mean, our first customer was... 8:30? We had like 10 orders from then 'til 9:30. We had a bit of a rush 'til 10:05 or so, when Adam got in and helped. At one point, labor was at over 700%, which was really, really cool. I was sent home about 11:30, since it was just unbelievably slow. Shelley insisted I head over to their place, so I did. I ended up crashing in Lilie's bed and taking a four hour nap. Lilie woke me up when she came in to hug and kiss me good-bye as she left for work. I left fairly soon after that.

As I got home, I realized I had forgotten my blue button-up shirt. I called their place and told Shelley that when she answered the phone... except it was Lilie. Apparently, there was a sign at Katy Station that said "Closed @ 2 - Kitchen Repairs" or something along those lines. I headed over about 9 to get my shirt, since I had to work Monday night. Lilie was still dressed up, and she looked very nice. We hugged like we hadn't since before we started going out, which felt really good. We kissed a little too, and I left. I talked to Shelley later (online?) and she asked me why I left.

Worked Monday 5 - C, fountain. Dennis was there 5 - 9, and he was really getting on my nerves. It ended up taking me over an hour to close fountain, since Dennis didn't do *anything*, and Rick didn't help me in the fountain at all either. I don't mind, though - with the mood I was in, I was in no hurry to leave. It's the mood I've been in pretty much all week. Just a major funk. I alternate between upset for no reason and sad for no reason. I've been lying in my room all day today, sometimes playing games, but often just lying there. Felt like crying a few times, but of course, that won't happen - I can't seem to cry except at seemingly random times, and the most bizarre catalysts (Hearing Lemon Tree by Peter, Paul and Mary is the best example I have at the moment). Just been lounging around today, though I did manage to get about three quarters of my chores for this week done, and can finish my room tonight and the rest tomorrow. I still haven't done any Christmas shopping, though, so I'll have to squeeze that in tomorrow and Thursday before work at 5.

So. That's my week. Time for humorous anecdotes and other things I left out.

Janelle and three of her friends went to a movie, then came back here to build a gingerbread house. Things went well, until the end. It stood for... four seconds? They dragged me out to take their picture, which I did. But even then, the chimney, constructed of Hershey's chocolate bars, was falling. Not long after that, they realized the door was caving in. Immediately after that, the back wall started collapsing as well. Within a minute, the whole thing was in a heap. We ate some, but it is *incredibly* sweet. Michael and Kushal are still here, but they'll be leaving soon.

I was thinking about going to Austin tonight to play some DDR, but I just didn't have the energy. I don't mean physically, but mentally. Just an extension of the lethargic, depressed mood I've been in lately.

Bug did a major patch on gEngine, changing the look again. It was bad enough to (coupled with the complete lack of B5 players lately) to uninstall gEngine, delete the cache completely, clear my registry of it, and remove the forums from my favorites.

Picked Final Fantasy: Origins back up. Final Fantasy I is *hard*. Started playing Diablo II: Lord of Destruction as well, for some reason (although it is really sweet with the upgrades.) Been playing a Druid with a lot of pets.

The office sent back a list of errors in paperwork this week - there were a lot. And none of them were mine. Every other manager had at least one, and everyone except Dora had a few.

I think the Christmas party was this Sunday. I mean, the Sunday evening of the post before this one. It was... okay. Shelley did end up going, but didn't bowl. It's always nice to hang out with the crew outside of work. It wasn't as fun as last year, and the prizes sucked. Overall, though, it was okay.

That's it for now. I hope to resume normal updates now. Writing these long ones takes a while - this one took four hours, though that certainly wasn't contiguous.

B5 game: jackalope, azuredarkness, Stormcloak

jackalope

azuredarkness

Stormcloak

Unfortunately, there was an error with my screenshot of Stormcloak's area. He had Ta'lon as his ambassador, and Na'Toth (Variant) in the IC; several smaller characters in the supporting row, Build Infrastructure, Establish Base, and a large number of fleets - 6?

Early game:
jackalope: Nug/Ulg, Crusade: Corporate
Stormcloak: Ambassador Ta'Lon, no Crusade
azuredarkness: Delenn (TF), Crusade: Crusade (I think - he forgot his Crusade card)

Storm did a fairly standard BI + Ko'Dath to get her promoted quicky while building, and threw in a Rapid Growth as well. azure sponsored and promoted Lennier (V) (who is used almost exclusively over Lennier, for obvious reasons), and threw in a Trade Pact for good measure (not sure if it was SH or a good draw). I dropped Diversity and Miziri, then double built to 8, at which point I dropped Diversity for Fulcrum of Power.

There was one scary moment where Azure had an issue with the engine, then it froze, but after a few seconds, everything returned to normal, and we were able to finish the game (saddeningly, a rarity with B5 engine play of extended length).

Two Legacy of Powers were played, and both were killed - one with Aldus, the other with Death Walker. I played a Rally the People with a lot of potential support, but it got YANR'ed. Which got NMtB'ed. Which, in turn, got NMtB'ed.

Dureena Nafeel made an appearance and got to use her mad thieving skills when someone played Short Term Goals.

The game did drag for a bit, but I eventually won by dropping Safety in Numbers for 4 power (I had 11 or 12 IC characters at this point), with 17 influence.

This week

I've been posting fairly regularly, but lately, I've only been posting somewhat sporadically. I'd rather post like Heather or Nov and post daily. I'll be working on that.

So this last week has been hell. I asked Dave for Thu - Sat off, since I wanted a nice block of time off before the fall semester hits and everything goes to lightspeed. I did specify quite clearly on the note that if it was any sort of problem whatsoever, that I had no problem working those days. He called Thursday evening (while doing the schedule requests) and asked me about it. I explained it to him, and stated *again* that if it was a problem at all, I would work those days without any issue whatsoever. He said Fri/Sat would be no problem, he just needed someone on Thursday. I said sure.

The schedule for last week?

Mon 8 - 5
Tue 8 - 3
Wed 8 - 2
Thu 6:30 - 1
Sun 10 - 5

Monday went alright. I got home from work Sunday (this is two weeks ago) at 5 and immediately crashed. I woke up about 1 am or so, and hung out on gEngine and played Chrono Trigger 'til it was time to go to work. Work sucked, and then I had to take my speech final (written). That went fine - I breezed through it. The guys wanted to play D&D, but I was bushwhacked, so I went home and crashed. Woke up about 11 pm this time, and did the same thing again. Went in, ended up staying 'til 5 - Ray opened, and had to stay 'til 5 for Dora. So yeah, that was fun. I know 8 - 5 is the typical shift, but that's not in fast food. Argh. We were supposed to have a manager meeting Tuesday at 5, but it was ass busy. Went home and crashed again. Wednesday, same thing, really. I went in and did the truck. Rick was *really* mad at me because I wouldn't switch with him (10 - 5). He wouldn't really talk to me at all, and didn't really say anything the whole shift. Actually got to leave about 2:30 or so. Didn't really crash at all. Did phase out for a while before heading in to open Thursday. Opened with Katie, which rocked, and Dave, which sucked. Got out at 1 or so. Crashed *again*.

I'm trying to remember what I did Friday other than chores and D&D. I think I went and played DDR... no, I didn't. That was Saturday, before our second session of D&D. Then I worked again today, and slept some more.

Or something like that.

B5 games w/ Vorlons: 8/5/04

BOT

jackalope

B5 game: 7/25/04

These are the two screen captures from our most recent game of B5 on gEngine. The setup was as follows:

Me (jackalope): Human PC Psi/Intrigue
Tim (BOT): Minbari Steal Babylon 4
Nov (Novelty): Human Replacement / Destiny

There were some fairly slow periods, but things definitely came to a head at the end, with the final score being 20 (nov) - 17 (me) - 14 (tim).

On a completely unrelated note, my profile views jumped from 32 to 74. Damn.

Argh

Why do people operate under the (incorrect) assumption that to build a theme deck, it can't be competitive as well? Seriously!! I mean, come on! Okay, so you can cause Lyta to be loyal to a number of different races and gain eighteen different bold titles. So what? Why not just play solitaire if that's your only goal? And if you insist on playing such ludicrous decks that can't even win except under the most extreme of circumstances, why are you complaining because other people are playing decks that actually try to win, and make a concentrated effort at moving towards that goal?

Why gEngine is moving closer and closer to sucking

I mean, it's always been awesome to be able to play Babylon 5.

But ever since Abyss... I don't know. I miss the custom background ability, but I can understand using that screen space for posting bulletins and other things. That was cool.

Two sliders only, each of which is half the screen (full top to bottom, half left to right)? No. *Nothing* needs a half screen slider. Chat room? Nope. Select game? Nuh-uh Cards? Possibly. That's the only thing that even has a hope of meaningfully filling up half the screen. And even then, it's not worth the incredible hassles. Opening a third slider screws up your whole thing. It makes me want to maul someone like a bear.

But I could deal with that. Then, they release the next big update, Barracuda. 'Cause large fish are scary and awe-inspiring. Right. And yeah, it's significantly faster. I mean, much, much faster. However, Bug did something in the new build that flabbergasts me. I mean, I cannot comprehend why he would do this. Now, when you select a game, it automatically moves you to the room of that game. I cannot express how terrible of an idea this is. I mean, instead of having everyone in the same room, where they can SEE other people's offers, and possibly switch games, they segregate people by the game they select. Yeah, you can move back to the main room, but it's a minor hassle, and it's fairly annoying. As if it wasn't hard enough to find games on gEngine...

Argh.

The fact that Bug is also forcing you to use his forum color scheme is ridiculous. I mean, the engine doesn't even use it anymore... it clashes horribly, and is very hard on the eyes. So why keep it? I mean, the forum default was a very cool blue, nice on the eyes. Came with it, didn't have to do anything. It's more work to disable it. Bitch.

Oh - and I am the gML king. I've adapted Nipa's dynamic menus, and now, ToJH kicks serious ass. One of the main features I still need, though, is Messenger.setCardGMLString(lsID, lsTag, lsData), which would allow modification of gML tags in the same script as the one where the card is created. Once I do that, I can automate location deletion, and work on hard-coding in the cards which deal with location moving. There's only a handful, so it shouldn't be that bad.

Okay, she didn't really send me away. She had a feeling something bad was going to happen, and didn't want me there. So we're okay. She had an okay birthday, as I understand it. I still want to take her out for sushi sometime. Finally got an excuse to cut ties with Jarrod (she really just set him up to trip himself up, and he did. Hard. Those wacky, sperm-filled guys.) She dyed her hair this really really dark red color; it looks pretty. And she keeps talking about cutting her hair. Interesting... I've always favored longer hair on girls, but I've seen a few pictures of her with short hair, and it's still super cute. She left her pentacle necklace here, since people think the wrong things when she wears it at Gary; I'm going to wear it - well, not at home or with family, but at school and DDR and that kind of thing.

Met with Link. He seemed... impressed. And rightly so. Registration is a week from today; things are going to work out, I think. Sounds like I might be able to take some of my classes Distance Learning

[OUCH!! "Tonight on Tough Crowd... blah blah blah... we'll discuss the new trend, "Ball Waxing". Um, no.]

which is good, because the less I have to drive to Austin, the better. Argh. I missed the State of the Union address - I had no idea it was tonight. I don't like politics, but I LOVE comedy - and between Bush and the ridiculous Democrat run-off we've got going on, this race is definitely giving me enough comedy to make it worth watching. It's weird - now that Comedy Central lost SNL, I really haven't watched that much TV anymore - sure, E! got SNL, but they only show 2 episodes a day. So I've really only been watching The Daily Show and the occasional movie on HBO.

Yeah, I really like Suzie.

And I'm lovin' this new fan/light set up. It's so cool! And by cool, I mean thermally speaking.

But my MST3K stuff still hasn't arrived. Barb said it shipped Friday, so I think it should be here sometime this week.

I need to get ToJH into an acceptable alpha state.

Well... that was fun.

Left Tuesday evening. I was feeling kinda... weird. Don't know why. Got there about 12:30 or so. Suzie and I slept in the living room. Mostly, we just hung out, with some exceptions.

New Year's Eve: We got a hotel room with Sara, and Jean, Chris, and Nar came by as well. I did in fact drink a miniscule amount of alcohol, no biggie. Suzie and I also... yeah. I also got to sleep in her arms, lying right next to her, which is one of my favorite things to do.

Friday evening, Suzie and I kind of had a fight. We didn't argue at all, but it was a fight nonetheless. I ended up leaving to go play DDR, while she went out with Sara (who, in an unrelated note, I don't like very much - she's pretty annoying). It took me 1 1/2 hours to get to Kemah (1/2 an hour to return, when I knew how to go), and I played for a good 2 hours or so. My calves still hurt, because I didn't stretch out at all, I did Drop Out during my first set, I was kind of nervous, and I haven't played in the last month except when Daniel and I played that one time. She called while I was driving, and we talked for a bit, and she said something to the effect of "I think you're going to leave [break up] with me" or something like that. Which I wasn't - I was upset with myself, and wanted a chance to work out some frustration and anger. It was mainly my fault. But we're okay now, I think.

Saturday, we came back home (well, to my home, at least). Watched Scorpion King and Bruce Almighty. Talked a little.

Robert didn't come by today - vehicle problems - but we did the dinner thing anyway, and Mom and Bambi seemed to accept Suzie more so than earlier.

So things are going pretty well, I think.

Except gEngine is still pissing me off, with Rifts not working.

ARGH.

It's been a while since I've engaged in a true battle of wills, a no-holds-barred contest between me and an opponent, where the only rules are the ones you can't break. However, in an attempt to get ToJH playable, as the getCardbyIndex problems have been fixed and the server rebooted, I began work on it again. It was a bloody fight. Both of us pulled out every trick we knew. And in the end, my stubborness won out. No matter how hard the devKit makes it, no matter how many problems SharedDeckManager introduced, I beat them down with sheer force of will, and finally.... finally, I've emerged triumphant. For now.

So, yeah. Did some house cleaning - vacuumed, mopped, cleaned the kitchen, and cleaned the glass. I'm going to clean my room tonight, and mow tomorrow moning. Fun. I think Janelle and I are going to Hastings tonight in a few hours; last minute Christmas shopping and all. I still have no clue what to get Rose or Suzie. I was thinking maybe a stuffed animal for Suzie.... but it seems kind of clichèd. She doesn't like jewelry; well, only weird pieces she sees and likes (and we all know I'm no judge of "weird"...) I'll deal with that as need be. Hmm...

"wondering where we are in the relationship.. though it is my belief that something you can't see, touch or smell prolly can't move either LOL"

She's such a dork! But I asked her the same thing last night - that might even have been what made her think of it. I sure don't know... I mean, I really care for her; I'm beginning to finally accept that she really cares for me as well (damn insecurities...). I think I might love her, although my emotional compass has been a little off for the past three years or so (well, 4 1/2, I guess). But I think i'll be able to recalibrate it with her. That sounds so retartded... But yeah. I don't plan on breaking up with her any time soon, and I think she doesn't either (breaking up with me, I mean. I don't know if she's going to break up with herself anytime soon or what). It's so funny... we just talked a little bit on IM - mainly calling each other dorks, and alerting each other to various updates to our web presences, but I'm all hyper now. I'm even doing that little head bobbing thing she does when she types (well, the times I've watched her type over the webcam.) It probably doesn't help that I'm listening to some Sarina Paris - Romeo's Dead, So I Wait, and You are all way too bubble-gum/poppy/lovey-dovey. And I really like 'em. Oh well... I really like her - dare I say love her yet? I don't know... - but I do know she makes me feel warm and fuzzy when we're together, and I miss her terribly when we're apart. As far as where we are in our relationship, frankly, I don't even know what that means. We should probably talk about it the next time we're together, see if we're on the same page (another weird saying that doesn't really mean anything). But you know what I mean. Because I know who you are as you read this, and I just wanted to tell you... Love ya!

In other news:

Shared Decks suck. Still.

Crossroads of Twilight sucks. Egwene now knows how to make cuendillar, and it's given LESS attention than the climactic moment of the book, which is when Perrin BUYS SOME GRAIN. The rest of the book is talking. Just talking. Most of it takes place while Rand is cleansing saidin. Argh. New Spring better kick serious ass.

The bowling party was... okay. it was nice to hang with some of the people - Jessica, Christina, Ray, Katie, Kristen, Freddie, etc - outside of work, which I don't do all that often. I did pretty decent; got like 6 or 7 strikes, and a number of spares overall. Of the 4 or 5 games I was in, I only won one, but I was close on all of them. Took a number of pictures, and recorded a few clips. I also won best night crew costume for Halloween (as if there was any doubt).

Oh! I'm officially a bobcat now. Some choice bits from the acceptance letter:
"a name [Bobcat] I hope you will claim with pride in the near future."

"This is the first step on an exciitng, fulfilling road to a successful future."

"The next few years will be among the most exciting and memorable of your life."

But my personal favorite:

"Acceptance to Texas State is a major accomplishment..."

Shared decks really suck. I decided to ignore the character deck for now and start on the location deck. Turns out SharedDeckManager.getCardbyIndex() doesn't work quite right when it's the first call, and the index is 0. I'll probably have to include a work-around, like removing the top card in the setup script. Or something like that. I really want ToJH to come out well; Rifts is still not working. That is so frustrating. I really can't begin to desribe how frustrating it is. But I don't care.

So I'm going to get to see Suzie Wednesday, probably for a few hours. Sweentess.

It's official. Shared Decks suck. I HATE them. You can only access them indirectly (all of SharedDeckManager's methods take the cardpile as the first parameter); and they just don't work yet. I mean, ARGH. I'm taking a break from ToJH for a while. I can't even get the Setup script, where it just plays the top card of the Character Deck, to work. And the location deck... for some reason, it keeps getting multiple copies of All Night Diner.

ARGH.

gEngine is kind of pissing me off right now. Rifts, Collections, you name it. And I should be asleep right now. But I can't fall asleep. And I miss her so much. I want to hold her close, feel the warmth of her body against mine, hear her sweet voice in my ears, and know that everything's going to be okay.

Argh. Build 98 of the gEngine... I just had some problems with it. I lost the AoE gML, which means all the work I've done on that is gone (and most of the hard stuff was done, almost moving to the fun parts). I would have lost the Rifts update as well, but I accidentally uploaded a copy to the server while fooling around with the new DevKit.