When you look at me, tell me what you see

A'ight, so it took a little longer than I expected to get back to finishing this. You'll have to forgive me; I worked 3 - 1 (10 hours) yesterday, and 10:30 - 11:30 (13 hours) today. It didn't seem like nearly as long, but I was kinda lazy today. It was *really* slow, though, and I've stopped caring, so the crew doesn't seem to mind.

So. Friday night. Found her journal, found out she lied to me. She lied to me during that entire heartfelt conversation. I expected her response to be something along the lines of "But I didn't want to hurt you." That, of course, is complete bullshit. First, pain is a part of life. Most belief systems paint the afterlife as a place of complete bliss and paradise - in those cases, pain is a remainder we're alive. And for those of us that don't believe in the afterlife, well... denying pain is denying life. Second, when you put yourself out there, take a chance, you're going to get hurt. Another simple fact. But most importantly, that was the point of the entire conversation - that I'd prefer to find out first, and deal with it immediately, then have to find out later. Something like that. 'Cause now, not only do I have to deal with all the pain, but there's other things - uncertainty, for instance. I don't know if, if I hadn't found out, if she would have ever told me. Not that it's really any of my business, but it does have a bearing on our relationship. I have to deal with how stupid I feel, thinking everything was okay, when all the time, the world was laughing at me behind me back.

Fun times.

So, I didn't really feel like going to the Sonic party after that. Kristin called to make sure I was coming, and I told her that I wasn't planning on it. She got really upset - Kristin always seems so happy to see me come out to parties - and she put Bruce on the phone. I pretty much knew what he was going to say, but I let him say it anyway. Yep, Leslie was going to come by the party. Quick backstory: Leslie was a fountain/carhop when I started workingt there. I did, in fact, have a crush on her for a while (for those of you who are starting to think I seem to have crushes on a lot of people, all the time, or something like that, this was four years ago.) This was one of those that I knew would never come to fruitation - I'm not stupid. She eventually became a manager for a while, but she moved. We did hang out outside of work a few times - she went with me to see Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, among other things. Apparently, though, she was something of a slut. I'm *still* hearing about different guys at Sonic she hooked up with, or tried to, or something along those lines.

Anyway.

I hadn't seen her since she had left. So, I pretty much had to go at this point. Luckily, the tears hadn't set in yet. They would come, though.

I got there... saw Marny, who had definitely put on a few years. Leah was there too, along with the old favorites - Rudy, Ray, Freddie, Krisin, Allison, Erica (positioning herself to keep Marny and Rudy apart, since he's dating Allison now, who lives with Erica, except she's moving out to move back in with James, and I think they're getting back together, which is just messed up. Anyway.) I said hey to everybody, but wasn't very socialable. I basically just ended up sitting on the couch by myself, 'til Leslie got there. Kristin was a little drunk, so when I picked her up and hugged her, she tried to wrap her legs around me (didn't happen). Devon came in, which was a surprise. She's *so* tall. She was a giantess on skates - we opened together a few times, back before we did breakfast. Those were the days.

Anyway.

I didn't really mingle with anyone, for two reasons. First, I'm an outcast. Always have been, always will be. I don't fit in with groups, even when it's a group of friends. So, with this group of people I've worked with for years, I really don't belong. It's not anything to do with them - they're always more then welcoming and accepting, despite my proven... contrast. Second, my SaD was coming on really, really strong. Makes sense, given my current mental state. I almost left twice, before she even got there. Oh, and I almost asked for a drink, to get completely smashed for once, since I didn't really care at that point. Neither happened, though. But what did happen is that Leslie did *finally* show up. I got up, hugged her; we talked for about twenty seconds, and she went to say hi to everyone else. I left; it was about all I could take.

I would later find out from Bruce that Leslie was *not* happy. She went into the crowd, said hey to everyone, got a drink, and came back, hoping to talk to me, and I had left. Looking back, it would have been nice to have a chance to talk to her after so long. Of course, I don't think it would have gone very well. I would have ended up just crying on her shoulder for the majority of the conversation. At that point, though, I still hadn't broken down.

It happened on the way home. It really hit me, full force. I started crying like I hadn't cried in a long time. I didn't really relish the thought of going home and lying in my bed, so I called Rose to see if she had found something to do, or if the invitation was still good. I'm not entirely sure how she understood me, since I was fairly incoherent at that point. I don't really know what I said or anything, but I think she understood what was going on. Or rather, what I was asking, or something like that. She told me to go ahead and come up. I stopped by the house, grabbed my toothbrush, my carebear, and some shorts (I was still wearing my green pants, from going to the Sonic party), and drove up there. I balled my eyes out the whole way there. Not a pleasent experience. I just didn't really know how to react, how to deal with it. I mean, the lose, I could handle. But not that she didn't tell me, that she in fact told me the exact opposite, despite having a converation about that exact thing.

So, I got there. Rose had ordered pizza, and we had some pizza. Domino's, oddly enough. I spilled the whole story to her. Again, I don't know how comprehensible I was, though, as I was still crying. She seemed to follow, though. I hadn't seen Rose in a while. We talked for a few hours. That was when she told me that she thinks I might need professional help, and when she told me that my eyes are really pretty when they're all bloodshot from crying. I ended up crawling into her bed (I'd forgotten how comfortable it is) and crashing, while she stayed downstairs packing. She came up and woke me up Saturday morning 'bout 9:45. I came downstairs and saw that I had 2 missed calls from Sonic. I called up there; Adam answered. I asked him about the calls, he said "No, but I do know we're having a meeting right now." and hung up. I had totally forgotten, but even if I hadn't, I don't think it would have really changed anything.

Katie (Fink) stopped by. Another girl in this story I've had a crush on. This was... before they moved up there, so... nine months? Something like that. I think it was in late spring of last year, after we started hanging out together, before they moved up. Anyway. Turns out she married James Bluebird. She's now Katie Fink-Bluebird, which is just awesome. Also turns out not only do we have the same phone, but we use the same ringtone, and the same background! It was pretty cool. We loaded up the black vehicle and my truck with stuff, and drove on down to San Marcos and unloaded it into Rose's room. We also stopped by my house; apparently, Crystal and Mom were having a garage sale (didn't think to mention it to me, or anything). We all had some chips and queso; Rose showed off her tatoo. It was getting to be about 2 or 3 at this point, so we left. I took Rose by the Storage Place to get a unit, and dropped her off. There was one point that came up, though. Apparently, I thought she was getting a ride back up to Austin with Katie and James, but that they thought she was riding up with me.

Hmm...

I told her I could come get her after work and we could head up then. She decided to hang around town, so it worked. Work that night was... interesting. I didn't break down in tears in front of the crew, though I did have to go back to the bathroom twice or three times to compose myself. Picked up Rose after work, and we headed back up to Austin. This was when it started getting all cold and stuff.

Lilie called while Rose and I were driving to Austin. She told me that she had seen my blog, and was curious if I was okay, 'cause it sounded like I was mad or something. I told her that no, I was fine, just tired. She accepted that. Rose felt that I had to get her to tell me about what she had done, but I didn't think she would. So, I called her back about two minutes later. I said something along the lines of "Actually, no, everything's not okay. I don't like being lied to, so I'm not going to lie to you. I read your journal." Her response? "I don't have a journal." Priceless. "Yes, you do." "I haven't written in it in over a year." "Your blog." "How'd you find it?" Then I explained to her how I found it. She said something about not wanting to hurt me (how predictable), and that getting away was still the pervading reason for her trip. It was a really frustration conversation, because my truck is *not* quiet, and her reception was really bad, and she was talking quietly, so I kept having to ask her to repeat herself three and four times.

So that was fun. Rose and I finally got back to Austin; she was really tired, so we both just headed to bed. I hadn't slept with Rose in a long time, and it felt nice. We slept in fairly late, so we decided to finish it up Monday. The problem was that her lease expired at 6, so we would only have time for one load. Since we didn't have time for one Sunday, it would have to have everything. As big as my truck was, it wasn't going to work. I called David, and he said he'd be happy to come lend a hand. Major victory there. So I ended up throwing some stuff in my truck - two tables, three chairs, and the recliner, and took it down and dropped it off in the storage unit on my way to work. Work was... fun. There are five stages of loss - denial, barganing, anger, grief, and acceptance. I don't know the order. I've never had a problem with denial, and I don't really believe in bargaining, which leaves acceptance, grief, and anger. I did grief earlier, but I hit anger head on. I was really, really mad at her. I stayed mad at her for a while.

She didn't come online Sunday night, though she was on Y! briefly, but I didn't say anything. I didn't talk to her until Monday afternoon on WoW. She asked if I wanted to come over and talk, and I told her I'd be by later, after helping Rose move, and I'd have the DVD burner to let her borrow. So I drove up to Austin, and we finished getting Rose out of there. We didn't leave Austin until... 9 or so, though. Delays kept popping up. I felt so bad for David, since I had given him the impression that this would be a fairly minor undertaking, and it kept stretching on and on and on. But we finally got her moved out, down to San Marcos, and unloaded in her room. So after that, I went to Lilie's.

Went in, gave her the DVD burner; her phone rang, so I sat on the couch. She got off fairly quickly, and came over and sat next to me and put her head on my arm. I didn't really respond. She had said she wanted to talk, and it was going to have to start with her (it still does). I didn't really have anything to say.

A'ight, I just took a little nap, and it's 8 am, so I have to leave for class. I'll try later to finish this mighty epic.