Boom schwati oosh

So I really haven't written about Lilie lately. (That sounds funny when read aloud). There's a couple reasons for this. The main reason for this is that I don't want to go posting her business for everyone to read. I mean, I don't mind everyone seeing mine - my life is an open book for everyone to read, but it's not really my right ot post other people's stuff. So I'll do this as well as I'm able. Bear with me.

So a week and a half (?) ago, Lilie started telling me that, well, for lack of a better way to put it, she was going through a phase. I'm not going to go into specifics, other than to confirm that I'm not talking about her period. So she starts talking to me on IM, and well, I didn't really say that much in response. I... just didn't know what to say. I mean, what could I say? She knows I care, and that I"m here for her and will listen and do what I can. I hate repeating myself, and just saying tired old clichès never helped anyone. So my comments were sparse. She then asked me something along the lines of "You don't even care, do you?" I can certainly see how she would think that, but I explained what I just said to her. I don't know how much of it she believed, but it's really a moot point and secondary to her situation. So I decided to give her some space, let her figure things out. A day and a half later, she calls me.

"Are we even still dating?"

That's a really scary question, coming straight out of the blue.

We talked a little more, and I explained that I was just trying to give her space so she could deal with her problems. Her response? "That's probably for the best." Which is good, I guess. I mean, wait... anyway. So that went on for... a week and a half? Something like that. We only talked a few times - when I went to drop off the cookie plate, I left it in front of their door, rang the doorbell, and tore off out of there. She did call me later that day about the fan, and we talked a little after that work (mainly just me asking her if she needed more help with the fan.) That's about it, except when I took her her present. I wouldn't have called her today, except that Shelley called me (things are going frighteningly well with her new boyfriend - check it out at her blog, Risen From the Ashes), concerned about Lilie and asking me to call and talk to her or something. I didn't want to - it's hard enough to leave her alone completely like this, but I did. It was... interesting. We talked a little about how she was doing - not good.

And we ended up seperating. She kept apologizing, too - for "dragging me through this" or "putting me through this" or "making me feel bad". I kept telling her, it's not something she should apologize for - you should never apologize for how you feel, or who you are. And I told her that I hoped we could still be friends - a class cliche, but one I only say with complete sincereness - and she agreed (sort of, I think).

Oh, and I had to listen to her cry. That may be the most painful noise I've ever heard. It's something that will haunt my nightmares, and plague every downward emotional spiral I'll ever go through after this. I hope that, if she reads this, it doesn't make her feel any worse. That's the last thing I want to do, is to add to her burdens. I just wish there was something I could do, something to help her through this.

She also talked about how it was probably a bad idea, that she should have known not to jump into this, especially after Houston. Shelley talked about this, and I agreed with her, but Lilie said she was okay.

If I drank, I'd go get so hammered right now.

And Shelley, if you read this, (don't take what I"m about to say the wrong way; don't get offended): Don't call, please. I really don't want to talk to anyone right now.