Sit down and I'll regale ya' 'bout my nephew from Australia

Will the deluge never end? This is will be my... fourth post tonight? Third? Something like that. This one may be the hardest to write, though. The others were nothing more than recaps and summaries.

This, of course, also means it's harder to write. Well, not really. That doesn't make it harder to write. The fact that I'm trying to put down how I feel about Lilie and our situation makes it difficult to write.

That whole thing I posted the other day... all I was really trying to say is that I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that there's something else. Something I did wrong. Or didn't do. Or did, but shouldn't have. Or something like that. And I don't know about it, and am doomed to make the same mistake again.

I've usually been good about analyzing my mistakes and learning from them... but this is one area where that isn't the case. Apparently, I've learned nothing. Now, my first disclaimer: There will be those of you who feel that I'm making a huge deal out of this, or just need to calm down and roll with it, or something along those lines. You're partially right, but that's how I am. I analyze things non-stop. It's one of the few good (well, sometimes) good things about having such a strong stream-of-consciousness. But this is really my only place to get this out - I don't really talk to anyone about this (well, except Jarrod, but that's because he asks me about it every time I we talk, because, well, that's what we do.) So among other things, I'm searching for some catharsis. If that's a problem, get out. Seriously. Leave me to my own little corner of the web, where I'm just going to do my thing, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Anyway.

On a sidenote, I actually just burnt her a CD to replace the one she dumped some Mountain Dew (the most toxic substance known to man) on. Well, not entirely. I've been meaning to, but it just never happened. Today before work, I fell asleep, then had to run to my appointment, which went way late. Yesterday, I had my car problems. Sunday, I was sleeping and doing housework. You get the picture. I don't know what was on that CD, so I'm improvising here. I think I'm going to start another section on my blog that has my burnt CDs both so people can see what I listen to and so I can keep track of what I've burnt. I'll also put the CDs I've burnt for her on there, so I can avoid repeats on CDs. I wonder, though, if the discman she got that can read MP3's is the one hooked up to her car. If so... that makes things a lot easier. And a lot more difficult.

So it's finally sinking in that we're really, really broken up. I always had this hope that one day, she'd call me up and ask me to come over, and surprise me with a kiss. Or something like that. Or we're just hanging out at her place one day, and she comes over and sits on my lap (like last time) and hugs me, but something more. I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Fuck that. I do.

Again, I belive her when she says it's just that she's not ready or doesn't want to deal with a relationship right now. But I can't stop my subconscious from conjuring up these thoughts, and they're easier to deal with when I get them out somehow - it used to be by talking to someone about it, but this works as well. Will we just be close friends from now on? Will we never again establish that deep, deep connection? Or is it just buried deep down, ready to resurface at a later time?

See, that's the kind of thinking that makes it so hard for me to let go. Which I've never been terribly good at; mainly, because I don't *want* to let go. I don't want to lose that connection with her. I just don't.

[[Oh - interesting sidenote. When I got to work today, I saw Kevin's truck in the parking lot. I thought perhaps he had come to pick up Shelley. Nope. She drove it home. Or rather, out of the parking lot and turned right, so I can only assume that was her destination.

...

Intersting choice on his part.]]

is that my fate? It seems to be what I do. Maybe that's all I am - the friend. Mabe that's all I'll ever be. I mean, I understand that it's my fault, for being who I am. Girls don't want someone that's kind of girly - a guy that's so shy about making moves. Seriously. Of all the relationships I've been in... I've made a move on someone... once? Kenni dropped hints for me to kiss her for two weeks before she finally got tired of waiting for me to catch on and just kissed me. Mindy didn't wait around, and basically told me to kiss her in the parking lot at the skating rink. That was funny, looking back. Had she not, we wouldn't have. Rudy made the famous comment, "You're such a good big sister to these girls." I'm sure being as stubborn as I am doesn't help. My horrendous taste in music, my near-obsession with DDR; hell, it's a miracle I've found relationships that have lasted as long as they did. and it's probably the case that three years wasn't nearly as long to wait as I should have. I just need to let go of the daydreams. To realize that her and I are through, that we're friends now (note: I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I love being friends with her. Don't read something here that I didn't say.)

*Sigh*

At the same time, I can't. The same stubborness that keeps me apart from people prevents me from giving up on something like this. Which is a bad thing, because it's only when you reach your heart out with hope that it can be crushed.

I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I like her. I like her a lot. I don't know how she feels about me, nor do I think I will. But it's five in the morning, I've had maybe two hours of sleep in the last 40-something, so I'm going to let myself ramble. These may be the half-coherent ramblings of a sleep-deprived freak that's out of synch with reality, but hey, it's who and what and where I am, and that's all I have.

It's one of those insecurity things - I've done it before. You get afraid that perhaps you want to be with someone, or be friends with someone, much more than they do, so you wait for them to call you. On paper, it sounds kind of weird, but I've found myself doing it over and over again. The best example is near the end of my first year of college, when I actually called Chelsea, and we e-mailed back and forth and talked a few times (I still remember the conversation I had with her roommate - "Hello, is Chelsea there?" "Yeah, but I'm on the other line. Can I take a message?" "Sure! - Just tell her Billy called, here's my number: 512..." "Wait, that's waay out of town. Lemme get her.") It seemed like she was only responding, though. So I gave up on that. It's frustrating, but something you learn to deal with. It's akin to surrendering the ego - just letting go.

Maybe that's what I need to do. Just give her her space. Well, I sort of already did that, when I didn't try to contact her for a few weeks. She did call me, after she was feeling better. I don't know, I just get... tired. Tired of thinking that I've maybe formed a special connection with someone, which, while I have, isn't quite what I thought it was. Tired of falling for people that don't reciprocate. Tired of being hurt, and being hurt only because I set myself up for it so perfectly. I just want to find somsone that I'm comfortable with, that loves me for who I am, not in spite of it. That's all I really want out of life. Don't get me wrong - I understand that kind of thing usually doesn't come along when you're looking for it, and surprises you; I'm not. I'm just making an effort to understand myself.

I keep getting it pointed it out to me that I don't fit in. With people. I've never really found a group of more than two people that I didn't feel like an outside around. Back in high school, we had our little group of friends. With any one or two of them, I was fine. However, once we were in a group of four or so, I was the outside. Mind you, these were my good friends during high school. It's the same thing at work - well, not quite, 'cause I'm not really friends with anyone at work (I'm still confused as to why Lilie took so much offense at that statement. I'm really not. I'm friendly with people from work, but I don't think I'd consider myself friends with anyone from work. Freddie's definitely an exception, as we talk a lot outside of work, but he's probably the only one. I've been talking more with Jess, so that might be another, and Javi, though that's really just a work-based mutual respect thing. If you don't believe me, observe me at a party with the work group. It's... weird to watch. That's not a criticism on any of them, mind you - they've always been quite welcoming. It's just some bad wiring in me. I just really, really don't understand why Lilie took so much offense at Bennigan's when I told her that I'm not really friends with anyone from work. The only thing I can think of is she thought I was including her, or that I was saying I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone I work with, which isn't the case. She is the counterpoint to each of them, oddly enough.)

But I understand that it's my fault with the whole friend thing (I mean, only being friends with girls, not being boyfriend-worthy material or however you want to put it, not the feeling like an outsider even with groups of my friends thing). Like I was saying before, I'm just not what they want. I've read it, I've talked to girls, I know - girls like it when you make the move, that kind of thing. That's just an example, though. There's other one, some tied in to the whole "12 year old girl' thing. That, of course, started out as a commentary on my taste in music (Aqua, anyone?). Well, the Care Bears doesn't help, I'm sure.

Anyway.

Yeah, that's probably all I'm good for. The friend.

Lilie, I'm sorry