Every time you leave the room, I feel I'm fading like a flower

So I went in to work Saturday night. That was fun. More on that later. Shelley was working that night as well, and I asked her about Lilie. She said something, something that I think I really needed to hear. She said, "You know it's never going to be all about you, right?" She also said something about Lilie talking to Scott still, and something about monagamy (I can't spell that word.) These were all things I already knew, I'd just sort of subconsciously forgotten about them.

Which really drove the point home for me. Lilie's never going to be what I want her to be - mine. I'll never be special to her the way she is to me. Ever since we'd broken up, I've been carrying this daydream that one day, she'd call me up or turn to me, and say something along the lines of "Hey, I've dealt with my issues, and realized that this other guy is twenty-six states away, and I want to be with you." I doubt I'll ever be able to ever really drop that. I still have a similar one about Chelsea. I'm not good at letting people go.

So, we talked a little over IM Sunday night. We talked a lot more earlier, on WoW. She accused me of running away from my problems, instead of facing it. But in this case, what's the difference? Here's what I understand: I like Lilie. I'm fucking crazy about her. But we found each other at the wrong time in our lives. She doesn't want a serious, committed relationship, having just gotten divorced, and having issues with that as well. I, on the other hand, won't have it any other way. I want to be with someone who likes me as much as I like them... I want to be special to someone. And I don't mean a little special... I mean really special. I'm probably just being young, stupid, naive, and idealistic, and setting myself up for a string of dissapointments. Sucks to be me. I'll deal with it then.

So I'm making a clean break. I need some time, and some space. Despite what she thinks, I'm not cutting her out of my life permanently. I couldn't do that. I mean, if she were to call right now and ask me to come over and help her with something, I would. Or if she calls later and needs to talk, I'm there for her. I think, though, that I'm mainly just writing that so that she knows that, assuming she continues to read this. Continuing with things I want her to know, assuming she reads this... I'll always like her. I mean, more than just a special memory or a fondness in my heart. I mean, in six months, if she were to come up and ask me out, sure. In a heartbeat. Of course, that line of thought isn't very conducive to moving on. I'm not sure how far I'll be able to move. I hope that I can progress to the point where we can hang out without me thinking "Man, we should be together" every six seconds or so. Not because I want to, but because I'm tired of crying. I *don't* want to let go of her, or get over her. I want to be with her. But I know things don't always (ever, for that matter) work out how you want them, and that you just have to make the best with the situation you've got. So, this is what I've got. I do want to be friends with her. I mean, hell, right now, she's about the only friend I have. I managed to alienate my D&D group; Jarrod's busy about to propose; can't really meet anyone at school or work; where does that leave me? It scares the shit out of me.

So, what other options do I have? Keep going along as we were? No. She pegged it when she said that she didn't know how we'd handle being 'just friends.'

So this update has been kind of scatter-shot, and I'll try to post a more coherent, better organized one tomorrow. I just feel... cast adrift right now. Like I'm drowning in the ocean, and I cut the last rope myself. Or caught in a hurricane, and the rock I used to anchor myself to is gone. And I hurt. A lot.