Now that I've covered the clerical stuff, I can get to the real things that matter. Like my personal life. Or, well, to be more accurate, the complete and total lack of one. Take things between Zara and I. There aren't any. I'm not just referring to a romantic relationship, I mean anything at all. We're tenuous friends at best, co-BUH-ites at worst. I can live with that (as opposed to the alternative), but I can always dream. It's not there's like there's much else to take my mind of how I've totally screwed another chance. I broke out into tears today after CS, on my way to the Painter Lab. At first, I wasn't really sure why, but I thought about it and figured it out quick enough.

It's happening again. Back before high school, I used to have major self-esteem issues. Part of it - most of it - came from the things Donnie, David, and co. put me through between fourth and ninth grades, I think. But by tenth grade or so, I was doing pretty good. By the time I graduated, I was doing great. College put a stop to that, though. A few of these thoughts came from Lilana today after the meeting. It was really easy going to High School in San Marcos, 'cause I've been here for almost nineteen years, and know everybody. I had a great support base, a great circle of friends... even meeting new people was really easy, 'cause I wasn't really going out on a limb - I had my net. But the summer of '01, it all changed. I lost contact with everybody from high school, except for Josh and Jarrod. Aside from those two, I haven't talked to anyone from High school since graduating, except for the short, meaningless platitudes you exchange when you see an old acquantince after a while. So I entered college totally bare, so to speak. And I've totally forgotten what it's like to be that way. I've been totally unsuccessful at making new friends, and I've been here over a year and a half. I mean, I've tried the obvious stuff - meeting people in my classes, clubs/organizations, that kind of stuff. No go. It's like I've forgotten how to connect with people. And it's on a subconcious level too, which really scares me. I find myself totally unable to "just go talk to someone", which is another good piece of advice which totally fails. It's really scary. The only new people I've met are the Knighthood, which doesn't really count, because I can't accurately describe myself as friends with anyone in there. There's also a few people in CS, but now that I've managed to get held back a semester, I'm gonna lose that connection. I'm pretty sure I'm sliding back down the self-esteem slope, which is a major not-fun downward spiral - the worse you feel about yourself, the harder it is to meet people, and the harder it is to meet people, the worse you feel about yourself. A lot of times, I feel like I don't really belong in college. I mean, intelectually, yeah, I s'pose I do, but on a maturity level, I usually feel like a little kid playing an odd version of pretend. I suppose that a lot of college students feel that way, but it certainly doesn't help. I'm just not sure where to go from here...

Don't even get me started about my thoughts on my future...