She sent me away.

Well, that's really not a fair statement. I originally said I didn't want to stay. And I was acting... odd. I'll get to that in a bit. But I was better, and wanted to stay with her. I wanted to lie with her, to hold her. We could have been lying there together RIGHT NOW... and we're not, and it's my fault. Fucking awesome.

I just wanted her to have a good birhtday. I know her last one was downright terrible, and I suspect some of her others weren't that great. I wanted to take her out to a sushi dinner, 'cause I know that's like her favorite food (right up there with fried chicken), and I'm pretty sure she hasn't had it in a long time - like definitely before she came to Gary, probably as long as I've known her. I gave her a Wal-Mart gift card, 'cause I know she'll use it. It does seem a little... vanilla? impersonal? But she seemed to like it, so I guess it went okay.

I seriously need to apologize for being so weird earlier. I was acting a little weird, like something was really wrong or something. It was more like... *sigh*, I don't know... Sometimes, I wonder about us. She just seems so different, and I wonder how she can be happy being with me. That feeds my insecurity and low self-esteem, which feed that, and it's not a good little spiral. I finally broke out of it, but the damage had already been done. I really really hope that wasn't what the compelte cause of her bad mood was. Well, I kind of do, because then there wouldn't be anything else making her feel bad. I can't get that to sound right, so never mind.

So I finally figured that I wanted to stay with her, and was okay, and asked her if she wanted me to stay. And she said no. And she sent me away. There's a chance that she just thought I didn't want to be there, and was helping me out, but no. I should have told her. Should've, could've, would've, DIDN'T. The story of my life. *Sigh* I guess I"l just tell her tomorrow. Her and I really need to talk about last night, about what happened. And I hope I won't cry about this again, like I am right now. Argh. I'm so sick and tired of screwing up, of things being my fault. And it's way too late to go play DDR, so I get to sit and stew in all this all night, until 11 (or whenever I pick her up tomorrow).

Whatever.