I won't stand in your way

I always wondered how this would play out.

Now I know.

He's going to be there. Or rather, I should say, he is there.

I went over to their apartment today, after work, to hang out with Shelley for a while, since she was all alone and we hadn't seen each other in like a week or so. During the course of the conversation, she let it out that Sean was flying down to spend a few days with Lilie, and that's why she was down there so long - the wedding was Saturday.

I didn't know that. I really had no idea. Shelley was sure Lilie had told me, because "that's all she's been talking about for so long".

Nope. Never came up. Not that I blame her, of course - it's not like that was a popular topic of conversation for the two of us.

But then again, it did come up a few times. Most notably, a week ago. No mention there.

Shelley also mentioned that there was the possibility of him moving in with them (her). That's good to know.

I'm curious if she would ever have told me.

I know now that things are over between us. I feel used. I don't know if she really did use me, or it was subconscious...

No, wait. Fuck that.

Here's some choice snippets from our conversation last week, the night after I attempted to end things between us:

mrbinkyjackalope: And it was becoming too much like an actual 'relationship' mrbinkyjackalope: and there were times when I'd forget that we weren't together. mrbinkyjackalope: That's fun. TigrLily69: =/ TigrLily69: Sometimes I forget a little bit too...

TigrLily69: I guess I've just gotten comfortable with us the way we are... mrbinkyjackalope: Were you? TigrLily69: I liked it.

mrbinkyjackalope: How does that square with having a boyfriend, though? mrbinkyjackalope: And "I don't know" doesn't count. TigrLily69: I know you said not to say it, but I don't know...it probably stems from Sean being two thousand miles away. Something about that situation still seems kinda surreal.

mrbinkyjackalope: Can I ask you something fairly personal that I've always been curious about? What is y'all's situation? If you don't want to answer, feel free to say so - I won't be offended. TigrLily69: It's...we're together, but because it's long distance...forgive the repeating, but it seems kinda surreal, I guess. It's hard to explain... mrbinkyjackalope: I mean, how would you feel if he had something like what we have going on? TigrLily69: You forget...I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I'm not a jealous person usually. mrbinkyjackalope: You have? TigrLily69: I just...I dunno, I like being close to you, you're sweet and you're good to me, and you're...comfortable, I guess, for lack of better word.

mrbinkyjackalope: You just "accidentally" act like we're a couple? TigrLily69: hell, anyone's gonna be confused BY me, I confuse myself half the time, but I'm not TRYING to confuse anyone, specially you.

mrbinkyjackalope: You have no idea how strong the desire is to just ask you to forget I ever brought it up and go back to the way things were. TigrLily69: TigrLily69: I'll forget you said anything if you want me to.

mrbinkyjackalope: I just don't want to have to feel bad for kissing you. Or for making out with you. Or looking into your eyes and hoping you feel, in some small way, the same thing I do, even if you don't or can't say it or whatever. mrbinkyjackalope: Crap. mrbinkyjackalope: I keep typing things I want to say but don't intend to, just to get them down, and then hit enter before I have a chance to delete them. TigrLily69: I understand though... TigrLily69: And I told you from the start, it's not that I don't, it's that I shouldn't. TigrLily69: And it's cause you type too fast, ya big oaf. ^^

mrbinkyjackalope: What is it you want from me? TigrLily69: I don't KNOW... mrbinkyjackalope: Especially when you end up with your head like *right next* to mine, like, right there? TigrLily69: I just want things to be comfortable... mrbinkyjackalope: What does that mean? TigrLily69: I dunno, I've been comfortable with you with the way things were...but apparently you weren't, so that probably isn't the best solution.

TigrLily69: I don't know...I know the making out is over the line no matter where you put it...but...I dunno, I'm just comfortable with you, it's easy to forget where to stop.

TigrLily69: I only get sad and confused when I actually start trying to figure things out...as long as I drift along in my happy little world and forget there's anything past the four walls around me, I'm fine. ><

mrbinkyjackalope: 1 point for you. TigrLily69: woohoo, I have a point. mrbinkyjackalope: Spend it wisely. TigrLily69: what can I get with it? mrbinkyjackalope: My undying affection? Sorry, out of stock. mrbinkyjackalope: Um.... TigrLily69: pfft. mrbinkyjackalope: A penguin? mrbinkyjackalope: That'd be cool. TigrLily69: nah. mrbinkyjackalope: Octopus? mrbinkyjackalope: I really have no idea. mrbinkyjackalope: You caught me off guard. TigrLily69: hehe TigrLily69: I like the sound of undying affection. mrbinkyjackalope: It'd be a lot easier of it was reciprocated at all... ;) TigrLily69: pfft, it is. TigrLily69: You doubt that?

I really hope they have the fucking time of their lives and move in and get married and spend the rest of their fucking lives together.

I keep oscillating back and forth between indifference, betrayal, and anger.

I can understand her never mentioning this. To a point. But for her to care about me as much as she said, and acted, like she did, I don't buy it.

Fuck it. This is really all my fault. I remember when I first asked her out... she told me that she was sort of seeing someone. But we still kissed. And she initiated the making-out the first time. And I'm fairly certain that by then, she knew about now. Definitely when we had the above conversation. It's one thing to dislike having to deal with reality, it's another to lead someone on you care about in this manner. I really don't know what I'm going to say to her when she gets back. I wonder if she's going to tell me anything - I asked Shelley not to tell her that she told me, because I want to know if/when (but mainly if) she was/is going to tell me. On one hand, it's none of my business - she's an adult, and whatever she wants to do with her life and her time is certainly her choice. On the other hand, she said she cares about me. We had... something. Part of me really feels like she was just stringing me on until now. It really comes down to - why didn't she tell me? How could she keep going with all of this, knowing what was about to transpire?

The next few days will be very interesting.

I'm not that afraid of being alone again - I've been basically alone since Minday. There was a brief interlude with Suzie, but that was, well, WEIRD. INCREDIBLY WEIRD at that. There were a few dates - Sara (1 date, until she found out I was an atheist), Heather (not really, since we were always just friends anyway)... that's about it.

But I think that's one of the reasons I was willing to put up with this situation - being desperately lonely will do strange things to you.

But it's not worth betrayal. Never.