Goodbye to you again

Wow. For a while, Lilie has had the following away message:

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time I want what's yours and I want what's mine I want you But I'm not giving in this time

I sort of auto-completed the last line, and thought it said "And I'm not giving up this time. I wasn't entirely sure what it meant - either nothing, and that it was a song lyric she liked (not entirely likely at all), or that it meant that things had gone well on her vacation (most likely), or it was about me (no). However, I just did a quick google on the song, and found out what the last line actually says. She's not online right now, though, so I can't check to see if I'm remembering wrong, or she changed the last line.

But.

I'm really in tears right now. Because, if it that's what it actually says... then it's probably about me. Which is messed up, because that's what's supposed to happen. I mean, after what happened, I said, so adamantly that it's over between us. Seriously. Then why am I crying? Between reading the lyrics, then actually listening to the song, it sums things up between us so very well. It's just... I can't let go of her. I really just can't. I don't mean remember her fondly, or "Smile when I see a DDR machine, because it reminds me of you" (as someone put it); I mean, always actively like her. Lying awake at night, wishing I was still holding her. Ashley said it's not that I "can't", it's that I "won't", because it's a choice. Fair enough. Then I don't know HOW to let go of her. Or I don't want to. That's scary. I think I may be an emotional masochist. When I go into negative emotional spirals, I tend to lash myself with as many bad, painful memories as I can conjure up. Which is a lot. I thought I had stopped that when I threw out my ex-girlfriend box (well, except for Chelsea's stuff, 'cause I just couldn't bring myself to throw that away), but I've been doing it again. Rose says she thinks I should get professional help, but I don't plan on doing so. Anyway. So I don't want to let go of her, or I don't know how. I don't know. I do know that I'm mad at her. That she betrayed me, that she lied to me, and I don't trust her anymore. But... being around her, I can feel that eroding. It's really frustrating. Or something. I mean, I can (and do) accept us being apart, and know that we're not going to get back together. I know she's probably dating another guy at this point, and even if she isn't, that I don't really figure into the picture anymore. That's fine. I'm not stupid, I know these things happen. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore...