Man, one week later... what's been going on? Well...

I did it. I asked Sara out. Sort of. I said, "Vorreste uscire fuori qualche volta?" This translates as "Would you like to go out with me sometime?" She was like, "Where?" Well, we didn't know. Next day, we found out we both like hockey, so we're going to a hockey game in approximately nineteen hours. I'm *really* nervous. We've been talking on AOL a lot - she lives in Austin, so in person or over the phone aren't that practical. I'm really nervous... I mean, I really like her. Like, for real. And she's responding rather well. I don't quite know if she knows I like like her, but it's a start. And when you ask someone out, then tell them you think they're nice and pretty and smart and interesting (which she most definitely is), well, that's a hint that even I can pick up on. We've been talking a lot - she likes stand up, and snl, and letterman (hates Leno), Dana Carvey, opera/broadway music, other music, and other stuff.. I'm typing too fast to get it all down, so I'll come back to that one. She's got really pretty blond hair - not like bleached, "Hey, look at me - I'm blonde!" type hair, but more of a subdued, "I have really pretty blonde hair, but it doesn't scream for attention". But my fav part? Her eyes. They're *so* blue. I've only been fortunate enough to look into them twice, but whoa. It's like getting an electrical shock while having freezing cold water poured on you, and being in complete free-fall. I just realized that it's the 31^st - if things go well enough, I might have a date for Valentine's Day. That would rock. But I'm not gonna count on it, or even think about that right now. I'm going to work to avoid screwing this up in any of the ways I've screwed up things before; that's right - I'm going to have to find an entirely new way to screw this one up. :)

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

Wow. I always knew I was a tad on the narcisistic side, but wow. Now, some random web page has confirmed it. Not only that, but this is while suffering from low self-esteem. Man...

Signs you're dangerously bored:

• You go into a Yahoo! Chat room, and start correcting spelling mistakes other people make. Not one or two, but every one, for like twenty to thirty minutes.
  

I think that list is comprehensive enough. So life's been interesting lately. Someone hit my truck and smashed the driver side rear brake light. I don't mean 'hit' in the sense of a car-car collision, but more like a car-baseball bat collision. At first, I wasn't sure, but I'm pretty sure I'd notice a car-car thing hard enough to break it. But I can't figure out who would do that to me. Probably some damn punks. Maybe it was the same ones who stole my CDs and B5 cards that one time, or the guys who turned my lights on once to drain my battery. Oh well...

I finally got my home DDR pad. It's pretty neat. It does slide a teensy bit, but that's not that big a deal. It's really neat. I really need to clean my room. I'll do it as soon as I finish writing this. Correction: first, I'll get my bedding from the dryer, put in another load of laundry, and see if Janelle actually emptied the dishwasher before she went to bed like she was supposed to, so I can do the remaning dishes. After that, I'll make my bed, clean my room, then... probably play Warcraft III, Civ III, or use my new SNES emulator. I'll even get around to doing my Probability homework at some point. I should be going to sleep, but that doesn't sound that appealing right now. For the past two months or so, I've been dreaming about Chelsea. Nothing raunchy or weird, just... dreams. Things that wouldn't seem out of place in real life. Well, except for once or twice. She's killed me in my dreams, I think once. But she shot up the whole room, so it wasn't like she was singling me out. Well, that, or she didn't mind taking out a whole room, so long as she got me. But like I said, mainly just normal occurences. I've had a few where she came back to town, and we met up again. Those are my favorite. The least favorite? Probably the ones where I relive the things that transpired between us back in 7~8^th grade. Those make me cry. I mean, the things that I did... I didn't do anything *bad*, just *stupid*. Like never calling here... avoiding her... not being able to notice THE MOST OBVIOUS SIGNS IN THE KNOWN WORLD!! SIGNS THAT ARE SO OBVIOUS, PEOPLE ON THE MOON COULD SEE THEM!! I really hate dwelling on the past; I prefer to analyze it, learn from it, and move on, but right now, that's a little hard.

King of the Hill is on right now. Bobby and those two asian kids are stuck in the caves... he noticed them holding hands. Then, he started whining about how he's gonna die alone and unloved. How coincidental. Then he said, "Like Weird Al Yankovic." Except he pronounced it "Yank-o-vitch", which drives me crazy. It's "Yank-o-vic!!!" That bugs the ever-living snot out of me.

I realized something the other day, when Dave asked to borrow my truck and I wouldn't let him. I'm a pretty easy-going guy. I don't get upset that much, and I stay mad even less. People can say whatever they want about me, doesn't bother me. I've been teased since kindergarten, for one reason or another, so I've gotten used to it. People can do things to me, and I'll get over it. It used to be, or at least, I used to think, the only way to make me mad, and stay mad at someone, was to mess with someone I care about. But I realized that's not true. I don't like being abandoned. I'm not talking about breaking up. That's not abandonment. Not really. Well, it is, but not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about something like when someone agrees to meet you somewhere, and lead you through unfamaliar territory to somewhere, then purposely leaves you halfway there. Or when someone agrees to meet you sometime, and you never see them. Ever again. Well, if they die or something, that's not their fault, but that's an extreme case. I'm still trying to figure this one out. I mean, I got lost a lot when I was a kid and i went with my mom to the store, but I don't think that's quite it. I keep thinking maybe it's tied into my current social state, but it just doesn't fit. I haven't had an abandonment that really hurt, which would really tie this whole thing up. I'll have to come back to it.

Why did I break out into tears Thursday? I'm not totally sure, but I think I've pretty much nailed it down. I'm lonely. Not just in a no-girlfriend-in-far-too-long way, but a no friends kind of way. I mean, Jarrod and I only talk occasionally, and we have less and less in common. I mean, we'll always be great friends, and I'll always trust him, but our paths are seperate now. Just people to talk to, share all of those little stories that happened that day, that aren't significant except that they happened to you and you're talking to your friends, people to share things with, listen to, talk with, you know... I don't know... I've lost my ability to meet new people. It feels like everyone else has their friends, and they're good to go. I mean, I know that's just an illusion fostered by my current anti-social tendencies, but the brain and the heart don't always communicate effectively. Like, we have to form study groups for CS. I can't even approach people for that. That's a new low, even for me. Argh!! Why am I so afraid to talk to people? I don't think it's rejection... I've had plenty of that growing up, and I've never worried to much about it... Except that is it, isn't it? I wasn't afraid of rejection 'cause I had a base to fall back on, people I could always talk to, regardless of whether or not some girl said she'd go out with me, or some new student responded well to my overtures or not. Except that's not the case anymore. I no longer have a safety net to fall back on. It's analogous to losing everything and having to start over. I mean, no disrepect to those who have suffered tragedies and have to actually do this, but it almost works. But... I don't think I can. That's what terrifies me, what makes it so difficult for me to fall asleep at night. Well, that and the fear of this continuing for the remainder of my life. I mean, that seems like a pretty stupid thing to worry about, so let's limit it to college. I've been here a year and a half. Granted, I've had a few maturing spurts here and there, but the idea of being this alone all through college...

Man, i'm gonna go play Warcraft or Civ now. Take my mind of it for a while.

Now that I've covered the clerical stuff, I can get to the real things that matter. Like my personal life. Or, well, to be more accurate, the complete and total lack of one. Take things between Zara and I. There aren't any. I'm not just referring to a romantic relationship, I mean anything at all. We're tenuous friends at best, co-BUH-ites at worst. I can live with that (as opposed to the alternative), but I can always dream. It's not there's like there's much else to take my mind of how I've totally screwed another chance. I broke out into tears today after CS, on my way to the Painter Lab. At first, I wasn't really sure why, but I thought about it and figured it out quick enough.

It's happening again. Back before high school, I used to have major self-esteem issues. Part of it - most of it - came from the things Donnie, David, and co. put me through between fourth and ninth grades, I think. But by tenth grade or so, I was doing pretty good. By the time I graduated, I was doing great. College put a stop to that, though. A few of these thoughts came from Lilana today after the meeting. It was really easy going to High School in San Marcos, 'cause I've been here for almost nineteen years, and know everybody. I had a great support base, a great circle of friends... even meeting new people was really easy, 'cause I wasn't really going out on a limb - I had my net. But the summer of '01, it all changed. I lost contact with everybody from high school, except for Josh and Jarrod. Aside from those two, I haven't talked to anyone from High school since graduating, except for the short, meaningless platitudes you exchange when you see an old acquantince after a while. So I entered college totally bare, so to speak. And I've totally forgotten what it's like to be that way. I've been totally unsuccessful at making new friends, and I've been here over a year and a half. I mean, I've tried the obvious stuff - meeting people in my classes, clubs/organizations, that kind of stuff. No go. It's like I've forgotten how to connect with people. And it's on a subconcious level too, which really scares me. I find myself totally unable to "just go talk to someone", which is another good piece of advice which totally fails. It's really scary. The only new people I've met are the Knighthood, which doesn't really count, because I can't accurately describe myself as friends with anyone in there. There's also a few people in CS, but now that I've managed to get held back a semester, I'm gonna lose that connection. I'm pretty sure I'm sliding back down the self-esteem slope, which is a major not-fun downward spiral - the worse you feel about yourself, the harder it is to meet people, and the harder it is to meet people, the worse you feel about yourself. A lot of times, I feel like I don't really belong in college. I mean, intelectually, yeah, I s'pose I do, but on a maturity level, I usually feel like a little kid playing an odd version of pretend. I suppose that a lot of college students feel that way, but it certainly doesn't help. I'm just not sure where to go from here...

Don't even get me started about my thoughts on my future...

Heh, been a while since I've written anything here. Like, a month and 23 days, to make an exact approximation. I thought no one was reading it (which I thought from the get go, so don't ask why that's an issue), but I had some interesting conversations today, and one of them included the tidbit that Lilana apparently reads this. How odd... so I guess the blog di Jackalope returns. For now, at least.

Lemme think, what's transpired since the last time I got around to doing this? Well, the semester ended. I did okay, I s'pose. I got the B I knew I would in Italian, and the A I hoped for in m343k. Two anolomies - got an F in CS315, which I should have had an easy, high A in. But I screwed up jar-ring two of my projects, which totally screwed me over. Also failed gov310l, which is just embarrasing. To pull that off, I never went to discussion, which I later found out contained quizzes accounting for 30% of my grade. Oh well... brought my GPA down to a 3.3-something, which, while much lower, isn't that bad, and it'll come back up this semester. I'm taking cs315 again, and have like the first three projects already done, because Downing is a $#@#%!#!@#@. I really don't like him. I'm also re-taking gov310l, and this time, the grade consists of 3 tests, each 30 multiple choice questions, and 10% attendance/participation. So those are two easy A's. I'm also taking m362k, Probability I. I'm pretty sure I'll do really well in that class as well - I got a 5 on my Stat & Prob AP test, and do understand the subject matter fairly well. Hmm... also taking Italian 312k. Non mi piace. Luckily, though, it's the last semester of italian I have to take. I missed class yesterday, which makes me feel bad, but not that bad. Finally (yeah, 16 hours, a new record for me. Man, I love flat-rate tuition) m427k - Advanced Calculus for Applications I. So far, it seems... ridiculous. The instructor's pretty hard to understand, and the things he's doing on the board, well, I understand what he's doing, but not why. I'm gonna start going through the book this weekend, and I hope that'll help. My predictions for this semester? B in italian, and A's in everything else; well, maybe a B in 427k, but doubtful. If I somehow took 10 hours over the summer, I'd be a senior at the start of the fall semester, but that's not gonna happen.

The Knighthood has some new plans on the horizion. My favorites:

• Running for Student Government. This one just appeals to me on many different levels. And it sounds hilarious.
  
• Gingerbread Jews. Not that I have anything against Jewish people, but this one is just so hilarious. And it represents a good chance to get another warning, or even actual disciplinary action.
  
• Paddle Bob. The possibility, and probability, for that matter, for mis-interpretation are just so high that it can't fail.
  
• Pog Championship. An excuse to go overboard and over-the-top. Can't wait.
  

Winter Break was pretty good. Got a new computer for Christmas. 2 GHz processor, other fun things. It took a while, but I networked it with my mom's, and now we're utilizing the cable connection, which is pretty nice. Right now, I'm dl'ing Robin Hood: Men in Tights, which is a funny, funny movie. New Year's Day, though, was horrendous. Here's a day-by-day recap as to why.
Monday: I had to work 5 - C (11:15 or so). After getting home, I knew I had to work at noon Tuesday, and do some chores beforehand, so I figured I'd go to sleep around 1~2. That gave me a solid eight hours of sleep before I needed to wake up around ten or so. That didn't work - I couldn't fall asleep until, well, sometime between 6~8. I still woke up at 10, though, so I got something like three hours of sleep. I quickly cleaned my room, did the dishes, and vacuumed and mopped before going to work. Work, was, well, work (hell), but at least I was fountaining, which meant I wasn't burning myself in the kitchen. I worked 12 - 7, which isn't that bad, but 7 hours is the near the upper limit of non-double shifts worked. I got home, and I was TIRED. I felt sooooo bad, I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep for a week. I told my mom, quite explicitly, not to wake me up should I be asleep at the crossover. I was about one billion percent sure that I'd be asleep by then. About nine or ten, I could feel my eyes about to close, so I gladly embraced sleep. Apparently, though, no one told Jerry, my mom's boyfriend, about my predicament. He opened my door at 11:59, which instantly awoke me. I remember saying "Oh no" as I realized what he was about to do. He came in and threw confetti everywhere, saying "Happy New Years!". Not that loudly, though. I'm not really mad at him for it, though, 'cause he didn't know. But my mom, she has no excuse whatsoever. She came in with even more confetti, covered my room and bed in it, and YELLED quite loudly. Needless to say (but I'm going to anyway), I was now quite awake, and felt even worse than I had that day. It took at least ten minutes to just clear the confetti off my bed. Jarrod called not that long after to wish me a Happy New Years. Hearing the distress in my voice, he asked if I was okay, and I began to tell him what was going on. I broke out in tears halfway, I felt so bad. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't fall back asleep until TEN O'CLOCK THAT MORNING, and woke up THREE HOURS LATER. I'd now only had ten hours of sleep in 72 hours. Man, I just wanted to die. Luckily, though, I did finally get some real sleep Wednesday night. But that just sucked so bad.