And once you meet her, you will find that something inside is chanigng

I hit the dead zone on Lime Kiln, and the connection dropped. This was the first time I'd experienced that, so I thought she had hung up on me; she didn't know where I was, so she thought the same, except in reverse. She called back a minute or so later and asked why I hung up on her; I asked her the same. We got that situation sorted out easily enough. Then we agreed I'd head over after I dropped Cullen off.

I got over there, and it ends up being that I'm going to take her where she needs to go, which I have no problem with. I just won't buy them. I don't even like to say the word. It's just one of those really weird psychological blocks that I have. I went through it with Mom a few times, so this isn't exactly new territory. I'm not entirely sure I can explain it, other than to say that I loathe smoking with every fiber of my being. It's hard enough for me to just be around it.

So anyway.

She told me I didn't have to leave right away or anything, so I hung out there for a while. We talked, she played WoW, I watched TV, all kinds of fun things. There was some hint of our previous closeness - at one point, I was sitting cross-legged on the floor; she came over, sat in my lap, and hugged me. We had some interesting conversations - I mentioned that I wanted to shave my head bald again, she said no, I told her that as an ex-girlfriend, she can't veto haircuts. She made an odd comment about not wanting to be thought of as an ex-girlfriend, but as a friend. Which I do. I mean, sort of. I consider her my closest friend - well, her and Jarrod, but I rarely talk to Jarrod - but I can't forget how I feel (present tense) about her, and what we've been through. I miss that terribly, but I understand how she feels right now.

(Note: Tangent alert) There are two important pieces of background information I should preface this tangent with, both concerning my mental state. Well, not my mental state, but I can't think of a better way to phrase it. What I mean is, how I am. Or something like that. Enough meta-description, here goes. First, I am terribly insecure. Not about everything, just about myself vis-a-vis relationships. I have the hardest time believing someone actually likes me for who I am, that they enjoy spending that quantity of time around me, kissing, etc. It's something I've faced in every relationship I've ever been in. Secondly, I have a very powerful stream-of-consciousness. I literally cannot stop my mind from wandering all the time. I think that's one of the reasons I enjoy both video games and DDR so much - they make it easier to ignore the non-stop voice that talks endlessly in my head. That's also one of the reasons I don't sleep that much - it takes me forever to fall asleep, and in that time, I get to be privy to the worst my mind can dish out. It's fun. So basically, at any given time - work, taking a test, playing DDR, whatever - I'm doing my own conscious thinking, and listening to a stream-of-consciousness voice in the back of my head. I've talked to other people who describe something similiar, so I can't say that I'm really unique or anything, just explain how I am.

Anyway.

The corollary to that is my head and heart don't see eye-to-eye (eye-to-artery?). I can know something intellectually, and refuse to accept it emotionally. I've talked about that a little before when I was talking about Lilie liking me. I could believe, but I still doubted deep down. So. That scenario is replaying itself, albeit with somewhat different parameters. I believe her reasons for breaking up with me (which, while I won't really go into here, since they're her business and pertain to her state of being, which I don't think she would want thrown open to the public), aren't so much about breaking up with me as they are about breaking up with me (trust me, it makes sense).

Now, to tie all of that together.

I find myself - well, not me, but the little voice in the back of my head that I have no control over - wondering why. If there's something I don't know, or missed. That's always been one of my greatest fears - ignorance. For example, I know from our conversation at Joe's that she's a very sexual person, and I know I was unable to fulfill those needs (for those of you who don't know, I was unable to get an erection the first time we spent the night together, which was the only time in all the times we slept together that it was ever an issue.) I mean,

(Side note: My torrent of Season 1 of Rocko's Modern Life just finished, which means I now have the entire series. Go me.)

I don't think

(Side note number 2: Had to go do the dishes, and had X-Play on in the background (which, for those of you who don't know, is a show on G4-Tech Tv where Morgan Webb (a girl) and Adam Sessler (a really whiny guy) review video games); they were plugging their book that they wrote. Adam made a comment about how they had reviewed some games in there that they didn't even know existed, like, and he flips to a random page and goes "La Pucelle". Except he pronounced it "La Pu - chelle". Which isn't right - if you're going for the Italian pronounciation, which does have 'ce' pronounced as 'che', you would then say the 'e' on the end as well. Then they had a little debate about if anyone had actually played it. Which I did, and I'm fairly certain Lilie did as well. It's the prequel to (though it was released over here after) Disgaea: Hour of Darkness.)

I don't really think that's why she broke up with me. I believe what she told me, but I can't fight my subconscious. I can't help but wonder if that's the kind of thing that, in ten years, when we're nothing but a fond memory of each other (note: I hope to all that is out there that that isn't the case. I haven't connected with someone like this in a long time, and even if we're just friends in 10 years, that's not something I want to surrender easily) if this is something that will be laughed about. I mean, I laugh about it too, so I'm not quite sure where I'm going with that one. Lemme try something else. That was just an easy example - there are plenty of other things I may have done 'wrong'.

...

I guess all I'm really trying to say is that...

Hell, I don't know. That had some purpose when I started it, but getting interrupted to go do the dishes before I go to work may have thrown off my train of thought and made me forget where I was going with that. Just ignore it as some random, half-assed tangent that never really took off.

Also, I'm not trying to seem obsessive. I'm not really obsessed, it's just that there's not a whole lot going on in my life, so when something does happen, it tends to preoccupy a disproportionate amount of my mental time and blog-space. Which isn't to say that I don't like her a great deal, because I do. I acqueise to her wish, and think of her as a friend instead of an ex-girlfriend, despite how I still feel about her. I hope that doesn't cause her any distress, though, and if she asks me to drop the topic here... well, I probably will. I mean, this is my little online space to talk about what I want, but I know she reads it, so...

Anyway. So much for recapping what I've been up to lately. I'll try again when I get home from work.