Something interesting to note.

It's usually my fault.

Let's do a quick run-down:

Too complex to assign blame:
Terri
Mindy

No one's fault:
Kenni

My fault, but for the wrong reasons:
Mary
Crystal
Suzie

Definitely, undisputably my fault:
Chelsea
Shayna
Barbara
Nikki

The plurality are my fault. There are those people who say stupid things like "You can't assign blame in relationships" or "What if the other person disagrees with you?"

In both cases, they're wrong. I mean, in many cases, it's not really healthy for the individuals or the relationship to sit around assigning blame. That, I'll agree with. However, this is a slightly different case. Let's take Nikki for example. We started going out, and then shortly thereafter (I'm not entirely sure on the details, but I'm gonna guess around two weeks) I called her (while driving down Bishop the back way from my house) and told her that I promised Mindy that I'd get back with her if she ever asked, and she had, so I had to honor my promise, and thus, was breakig up with Nikki.

How is that not my fault?

(Hint: It is.)

I chose that one because it's the shortest. Barbara and Shayna are equally complete, but longer. And Chelsea? Not even gonna go down that road again.

(HAHAHA. As if I had a choice...)

But to clear one thing up: I'm not stupid. I'm not lost in a daydream. I completely comprehend the asynchronous nature of our relationship. I don't maintain any dream (well, not one that serves any practical purpose, or that will ever come true) of a blissful, tear filled reunion one day. She remains one of the major events (eras?) in my life, while I'm but a page or two in hers. I think that's always been the case. Well, maybe not at the beginning. That's one of the what-ifs of my life. What if I wasn't so completey out of touch with reality, and was actually able to comprehend, analyze, and fully participate in human relationships and emotions (note: I don't believe I've acquired this skill yet)?

Probably not much difference. My guess is that they'd be fairly happy memories, instead of incredibly painful ones. I mean, I think I had an actual chance. Not that helped or anything, but it does make lashing myself with the mistakes of the past that much more effective. I'm not under any delusions about what I mean(t) to her.

I just want her to be happy.