I finally read through all of Suzie's online diary, all the way back to where it starts.

Whoa.

I was in tears for much of it - not out of pity, becasue she deserves more than that, and would despise it anyway - but just knowing how many terrible things she's had to go through. I know without a doubt that she is a far stronger person than I. I sit, and I look back at the "things" I've had to go through, and the worst of them are laughable. I mean, what trials have I had growing up? Being teased in school? Wondering if my girlfriend - who can only be called that with a great deal of stretching - is going to break up with me? Why? Why have I had it so easy, when I'm such a worthless piece of crap, when sweet, wonderful people like Suzie have had to endure unending torment?

I just want her to be happy. To wake up with a smile, because she knows the day is going to be great (okay, that's enough clichès for that sentence). And I don't know how. I mean, reading through her jounal made me realize how not-well I know her, and that makes me start to question things. I mean, yeah, our relationship has been a litte... weird from the get-go, but that's not much of an excuse. I really like her, and I hope this lasts. Although, after she graduates Gary (which may be thinking a little far ahead, but my mind wanders a lot) she's mentioned different possibilities - going to Wimberley, to Galveston, and maybe one or two other places. True, we started with a San Marcos/Galveston thing, but that was mainly because it was going to turn into a San Marcos/San Marcos thing soon enough. I won't flatter myself by thinking our relationship would be enough to keep her close - nor would I want it to (I mean, if it grew and became enough, that'd be awesome - but I still wouldn't want it to). I just don't know - and the combination of an incredibly stuffy nose, the odd-sleep-hours-headache I've got right now, the tears that are kind of hanging around my eyes, and all the other stuff going on (which, as I've noted, isn't that big - SWT, mom's stuff, I dunno....) are making it kind of hard to think. So I'm just going to go clean up some - my room, dishes, laundry, all that fun stuff - and see what happens. For now.