2005-02-25
2005-02-23
Simple and clean is the way you're making me feel tonight; it's hard to let it go
Super quick, short recap: So, I went in to work at 6, opened with Tracy. Pretty standard. We usually have a blast opening together, since we're the same age, similar experience, etc. We understand each other enough that the morning goes by really, really fast. We both got *really* tired at lunch, too. Fun times. Came home, went to sleep. I had talked to Rose about going to see Elektra that night, since it was fifty cent movie night, but when she called, I was asleep. I answered the phone, but I have no recollection of our conversation. That usually happens when I try to talk on the phone when I'm asleep. Didn't do much else last night, or today.
Urg, 'net connection just went down.
Okay, fixed.
Started a Tauren Druid. Seems okay so far. I'm about halfway to lvl 10, which is when I get shapeshifting. Had an... interesting conversation with Shelley earlier, but I'm not allowed to talk about it.
So, where does that leave me? Well... I'm getting better. Tuesday morning, I felt almost normal again, though I'm pretty sure it was just a combination of being fully occupied, shit-faced tired, and riding solely on adrenaline. Let's see... I've accepted the fact we're not together, and I can say we're not going to get back together without a need to hedge it. One of the main things I seem to be having problems with is picturing her with other guys, but that's nothing new to me. That became a lot easier, though, when I realize that if that's what makes her happy, then that's the optimal solution. It's slowly migrating from a sharp, biting pain to a dull sense of loss. Of course, that may just be my mind doing what it takes to get what I want. That, of course, being hanging out with Lilie again. This is starting to sound a little weird - overdoing it a bit, 'cept there's NOTHING else going on in my life; usually isn't. Eh, at least it's something to write about. I just wish she would tell me she doesn't like me anymore. That would make things easier.
Actually, no, it wouldn't, and I'm glad she didn't. Unless she doesn't.
Or something like that.
So, back to my life story, as told by the bizarre set of relationships I've been through. So, we left off with Mary.
This is the first of the really complicated ones (there're three). We went out a total of... four times? Five? I lost count. I don't remember when we went out throughout Freshmen, Sophomore, and Junior year. I'm pretty sure one time was between November and April of Junior year, but other than that, no idea. All I really have is assorted memories. There was one time I went with her to Alkek to work on some research thing, and we were in this private study room thing. Nothing happened, though not for lack of effort on her part. I was still... kinda shy around her at that point. I remember when we went on a field trip to some art museum in Houston (I think) for AcaDec; David went too. There was some disagreement about who she was going to sit with or something, she ended up sitting with David on the way there, and me on the way back. I think that was *right* before we went out another time. And then on the actual AcaDec trip, her hotel room was right next to mine. Ours - there were some other guys in there, of course. Anyway, it was late (dark, past lights-out). There were doors adjoining each pair of rooms, but you had to open them from each side. (If you think you know where this is going, you're wrong.) So it was known that I don't sleep in beds in hotels; I usually end up sleeping on the floor somewhere, when I do go to sleep. So these fingers start appearing underneath the door between our rooms; it's her. Apparently, I was supposed to open the door... who knows. But I didn't. (Told you.) So there was just a lot of weirdness like that during the early years of high school.
Terri was a very... sexual girl. Horny may be a better word. Like this one time we were talking on the phone kinda late at night, over at Jarrod's. Kinda hot stuff going on. When I hung up (we'd been playing Twisted Metal as well), he told me, "Wow. I didn't know you did phone sex." I didn't either, but apparently, we had just had some light phone sex. I remember another time when we were talking on the phone (similiar to last time), and she started... making some odd noises. First time I'd heard those in person. I was... a little surprised. I asked her about it, and she confirmed it. Fun times.
We did kiss, eventually. Actually caused a major fight between Mindy and I, since we (Mindy and I) were going out at the time. Though I don't try to justify it, there were extenuating circumstances. So, Terri and I were good friends since... seventh grade? I know we've known each other for a long, long time. We'd been through a lot, and there was a lot of romantic tension between us, since we both had feelings for each other throughout most of high school. She decided to graduate a semester early, in December. After that, she was moving to Canada to go to Preacher school. I don't understand it either. Anyway, we were hanging out one last time before she moved to another country. I can't stress that one enough. It was very much, "I don't know when I'll see you again." We were sitting in my truck, in the parking lot between Italian Garden and (now) Murphy's Deli, across from Taco Bell. No real reason, we had just been driving around. We sat there talking for a while, and things got quiet. We both knew she had to get home soon. And, things just kind of happened. Our heads got closer and closer, until our lips collided. It was a full-on, open mouth making out with plenty of toungue. This wasn't the first time I'd made out with a girl, courtesy of Mindy, but not with this kind of... I don't know how to put it. It's almost passion, because we didn't know when we were going to see each other again, and this was something that should have happened between us a *long* time ago.
I told Mindy about what happened, and she got (quite understandably so) upset at me. Don't blame her one bit. Got through that one okay, though one time when we were, um, going at it, she made some comment about me imagining her as Terri. I really didn't know what to say to that one, and told her that it was really offensive.
Anyway.
So Terri moved to Canada. Went to Germany to work with a church there, while her family moved to North Carolina. She came back to the states and moved to NC as well. That's when we started talking again. That summer, the summer of '02, after my first year of college, I actually drove out there to see her. It's... um, 26 hours or so. Didn't stop, except for gas. Got there at like 4 in the morning. Fun times. I remember that night really well. Her parents had this really big RV thing, with a little extra room/tent looking thing, and I slept there. All in all, it was a pretty fun vacation. We kissed a fair amount while I was down there, but nothing more. The one weird thing, though, was that she started talking about how in love with me she still was. That... kinda freaked me out. I mean, we hadn't seen each other in like, a year and a half? Didn't say anything about that before I left. Sometime later, but not that much later, I think a few weeks, she was in town. I was still really freaked out, so I didn't return her calls or anything. Yeah, bad idea on my part.
Flash foward about ten months foward. That was when Rose and I started talking a lot online, and somehow, she relayed to Terri how sorry I was, and Terri and I started talking again. And sure enough, I drove to North Carolina *again* that summer. This trip was a little easier, since I had discovered DDR that November, and my physical stamina was much greater, so I had no problem staying awake (as I did the first time I drove there). And Terri really, really pissed me off while I was down there. When I had first mentioned the idea of coming down there again, she mentioned that she had moved out, and had her own apartment now. However, when I got there, she had neglected to mention one little detail - her family had moved in with her. Now, I like her family (for the most part), but I was looking foward to not having to deal with ANYONE the entire time. I just wish she would have mentioned that before I got there. Secondly, well, this one requires some backstory. I *hate* driving. I mean, anything more than like half an hour, hate it. That is, of course, the main reason I haven't already graduated from UT, and transferred to SWT. I especially hate driving by myself. That's why whenever Lilie asked me to go get her some food or something, I'd usually make a half-hearted request for her to come with me.
Anyway.
So the day after I get there, after making this 26~ hr drive, Terri decides we're going to this little town two hours away. Of course, I'm driving. She knows how much I hate driving - the topic came up several times while we were talking about me coming down there again. And to top it all off, this little town thing we went to... was a stupid little artsy-crafty tourist walk-around-and-look-at-all-the-cute-little-shops place. OMFG!! It really, really upset me. I mean, normally, I don't mind that kind of thing, and am more than happy to walk around for a few hours in such a situation. But this was the first day of my vacation, following a twenty-six hour drive. Um, no. She didn't even tell me where we were going until we got there. I suppose I could cut her some slack; she was probably trying to be nice. But if so, she could have put a little more thought into it. Anyway. So I tried telling her how I felt, and she got very, very upset. Some... other stuff happened too, and I ended up spending most of my vacation at the arcade, playing DDR. That's where I met Carrie, briefly.
So visit number two ended badly as well. I left... three days early? It was funny, because I had the time off that I had requested, so I went in and wrote on the schedule that I was back in town and available to pick up shifts as needed. That being the middle of summer, I think I ended up picking up shifts all three days I was supposed to be off. Fun times, all in all.
But the story doesn't end there. Nope.
One day, some time later (I don't really remember when, though if I felt motivated enough, I could probably dig it up in here. Possibly.), they told me someone was asking for me out on 31. I look out, and sure enough, it's Rose, Joy, and TERRI. Fun times. So we were in the middle of this major rush, so I had to just have Bonelle go out and give them my cell phone number and told them to call it some time after six or so. They did. Terri and I ended up driving around a while, and things happened, and we ended up in a hotel room for the night. Almost had sex. I remember that we were both topless, but that's about as far as things got. Turns out she was allergic to latex, and that wasn't a path I wanted to tread. Anyway, we spent the night together, and she went back home, and that was that. That's more or less the last time I saw her, except for a brief stint where she was online with a webcam in New Mexico (I'll come to that later; the only reason I mention it here is that she flashed me. I had forgotten about it, until not too long ago when I was cleaning out my computer and came across a series of webcam captures from that incident. Fun times.)
I almost forgot to add this one in. I was actually typing about Mindy when it occured to me that I had forgotten to put in Crystal. She came up to me and asked me out one day, and I was like, 'Um, okay.' We went out for... a month? I don't really remember that much about dating Crystal... I think she liked to write *really* long notes, and tended to over-dramaticize things, including how close we were. I went with her to her church youth group meeting one time... that was kinda weird. And I drove her home after that. No, wait. I dropped her off over by Crockett somewhere. Was she staying with a friend? Maybe I gave her a ride *to* the church. No, 'cause it has a definite 'end of the evening' feel to it. She wanted me to kiss her. I know that now, though at the time, I was woefully oblivious. And she broke up with me not that much later, for that reason. Recurring pattern, it would seem.
So that one kind of went on for a while, in terms of chronology. I'm backing up a bit, to Junior year. Crystal and Terri were it during sophomore year, and I remember by the time summer came around, I had been single for a while. We had this pool party near the end of the summer; we being Janelle and myself, with each of us inviting, I think, eight people. One of the people I invited was Kristina. She said she couldn't come unless she brought her little sister. Or just asked if she could. I don't really remember. I told her sure, that'd be fine. That was the first time I met Kendall. That's what she goes by now, at least. I've always, and probably always will, call her Kenni. It is sort of annoying, though, when people think I mean another Kenni - during high school, Kenny Leeper, and now recently, Kenny McCreight.
Anyway.
So we talked a little during the pool party (remember, this is way before I had major social problems; I was very outgoing at the time). Didn't think anything of it, though.
Silly me.
When school started, Kenni was a freshmen, and I was a Junior. Every morning, she would find me no matter where I was - cafeteria, where I usually was, chess club, only on Wednesday mornings, or helping someone in some class, and give me a big hug and tell me good morning. It was... really nice. So finally, I got around to thinking about her in that way. I remember, I wasn't the only one. I seem to recall about the same time David taking an interest in her as well. I think. I could be wrong on this one, but I distinctly remember a conversation I had during 1st period American History with Kristina about if she thought Kenni should go out with David, and if she thought I had a chance with her. The only problem was, Kenni wasn't allowed to date until she turned 16 - some rule her mom had. It was either that, or she wasn't allowed to go on '1-on-1' dates until then. Something like that. However, I had known her mom for a while through Kristina - we carpooled to summer band one year, among other things - so I called her up and talked to her about it. I recall saying "I'm seeking your permission to court your daughter."
Yeah, I know.
Quit laughing.
Anyway.
She repeated that out loud, really loud, and was laughing. Fun times. Anyway, long story short, she had known me for a while, and trusted me, so she gave me her approval. In fact, she even let us go out by ourselves, despite Kenni not being 16 yet. She would turn 16 in about... two or three months. I forget the exact date. That we started going out, I mean. I still know her birthday. She was born a week before me. Well, a week and two years.
Anyway.
So we went out, and things were great. Had a lot of fun. I don't have any chronological memories, though I do remember one time when we went to help move some wood for the band barbarque. It was her mom's cousin, or brother, or something, that had it out on his property, so we were driving out there to meet him, load it up, then bring it back and unload it at the band hall (or something like that). It was a fairly long trip out there - like two hours or something. The actual loading up went rather smoothly, though her mom was tossing pieces of wood over to the trailer, and one hit me in the head. Fairly hard. I was bleeding a lot, and the guy dumped this ice cold water out of the water cooler on my head. I made some joke about 'Ya know, if you don't want me to date your daughter, there are much easier ways to express your dissapproval' or something along those lines. That evening, Kristina drove her mom's car-mini SUV-thing to the store, with Brandy (her best friend) in the passenger seat, and Kenni and I in the back. We were clinging to each other the whole way there and back. Not in a romantic way, but in an oh-my-god-I-don't-want-to-die way, 'cause Kristina barely know how to drive a stick. So that was fun. That night, we - Kenni and I - went down the pool, just the two of us. Had a lot of fun. All strictly innocent, for those of you with dirty minds. We didn't even kiss, though that was soon enough.
Went to Homecoming together. She wore this gorgeous burgundy dress. Lots of fun. That night, I had my first kiss. (Yes, my first kiss was Homecoming night, my junior year. Deal with it. It was her first kiss too) I walked her to her door, as my mom has drilled into my head since my very first date, and went to hug her good night, and she interrupted me with a good night kiss.
We kissed a lot after that. I have one very distinct memory of the two of us sitting in the band hall after school, watching the percussion sectionals, sitting on top of the trombone cubies, and stealing kisses when the director wasn't looking. They were all close-mouthed, for those of you who might get the wrong idea. So yeah, we had a lot of fun together.
Then, one Wednesday, I want to say about two months after we started going out, her friend Melissa Roundy came into the chess club meeting. She walked up to me, and I don't quite recall what she said. The general gist was that Kenni didn't feel safe around me anymore, and was breaking up with me. I caught a brief glimpse of her (Kenni) crying as the two of them left. I would later - much later - find out there was... an incident with her mother's boyfriend the night before. So I didn't talk to her for a while, but we're still good friends.
Ah, Mindy. Dear sweet Mindy. This was, I think, my first real relationship. Of course, it was still a little high school thing, but definitely a real relationship. To put things in context, we broke up a total of nine times. That means we got back together eight times. She was two and a half years younger than me. No, wait. Three and a half years. Fourteen and seventeen, when we started going out (8th and 11th grade. Fun times.)
So, we've got a lot of material to get through, so let's just start at the beginning. Um, Crystal Todd (yes, the Crystal that I dated earlier in the story) told me that she had this friend that wanted a boyfriend in high school, and she was a really sweet girl, and she thought the two of us would get along really well, and asked me if I'd be interested. My judgment has never been terribly great, so I said sure. Couple days later, I get a note from a random hand sticking out of a school bus. It's from Mindy. We talked on the phone not too much later, for like four hours. We went to the skating rink together, with Crystal as well, fairly soon after that. We had a lot of fun, getting to know each other, asking questions, that kind of thing. We hit it off really well right from the start, had a good connection.
We started going out on April 7th. Not quite sure why I remember that, though I usually remember things like that (I still know her address and both phone numbers, as well as her old Yahoo sn/e-mail). I have a few scattered memories of the early days. She really liked 'The Thong Song' by Sisqo, I remember requesting it and dedicating it to her one time; she really liked that. I remember one time (all of this was at the skating rink; we went there often on Friday nights) she had me lead her around the skating rink for like two laps, with her eyes closed, as a trust thing. Worked out well, though she did stumble right at the end. I remember one time during 'Genie in a Bottle' when Christina says "You gotta rub me the right way", I came up behind her and ran my hands down her sides. She loved that.
The next memory I have, besides the rampant note exchanging, was going on a triple-date to the bowling alley. We had a blast. It was Mom + Jerry, Bam + Greg, Mindy and me, plus Brennan and Janelle (there were the odd-two out). For some odd reason, I remember she had her hair up in pigtails - she did that often, during the early days - and she looked *so* cute when she did. Anyway, I had to take her over to the skating rink after that - she was riding home with Crystal (oh yeah, they were like *best* friends at this time. They also lived next door to each other). Anyway, we were sitting outside, in the skating rink parking lot, when she mentioned that I owed her a kiss. This was a month or two, I think. Maybe it was during the summer. Not quite sure. I do remember we started kissing early on, and often. Anyway. Actually, come to think of it, this may have been our first kiss. Maybe not. Anyway, we had some thing going on - I think it was a trivia game or something, and she was ahead, so she decided I had to kiss her that evening. I leaned over her, and kissed her on the lips, but still very short, very close-mouthed. She looked at me kind of funny, said something like "Not like that" and leaned over to me.
And that was the first time I made out with a girl. We made out a lot after that. We were... a very affectionate couple. You know those people you get annoyed at 'cause they're making out in front of you at the movies? That was us. At least, until we got smart and started sitting in the back. That was until we found a make-out spot. My mom worked in this building that had a litte spot right next to it that was basically completely hidden from anywhere; you could only see it if you were right there. So that was fun.
That summer, she went to Colorado with her church group. I ended up going too. Oh, yeah, I sort of also had this neo-Christian phase. Not entirely because of her, though she played a major role. So we went to Colorado together. Lots of fun. I also remember I arranged things to ride her bus home one day near the end of the school year. I had to sit out on the patio in front of the cafeteria for like four hours, though, since we got out at noon, and the buses were still running at their normal times (this was during finals). So I rode the bus home with her, and had to walk like half an hour from the closest stop. Fun times. Wait. The kiss happened after this. I'm sure of that. In fact, come to think of it, it probably happened after the Colorado trip as well. Not entirely sure, and it's not entirely germane.
Anyway.
So school started back up, and it was really, really cool, 'cause she was there on campus too. I'm pretty sure we got warnings more than once for PDAs. Not kissing, though - holding hands, that kind of thing. Not that we didn't kiss.
Anyway.
So I got my truck somewhere in here - late October, if I remember correctly. Before that, I had been driving my mom's car. We went to homecoming in Mom's car - she still had this... white car that looked like a fish. She wore this... blue spaghetti-strap dress, very shiny. Fun times. So I came out of Math club one day, and found that Mindy had done my truck windows up like Homecoming, with shoe polish everywhere, cause she didn't have the chance to do so earlier. Let's see... what else?
The next memory I have is breaking up with her. I was wearing some green shirt with an Irish thing on it that Bambi gave me. We were standing out by my truck. I... think it was the end of the day.
And that's definitely enough for today. I started writing this five and a half hours ago, though I certainly haven't been writing constantly.
Urg, 'net connection just went down.
Okay, fixed.
Started a Tauren Druid. Seems okay so far. I'm about halfway to lvl 10, which is when I get shapeshifting. Had an... interesting conversation with Shelley earlier, but I'm not allowed to talk about it.
So, where does that leave me? Well... I'm getting better. Tuesday morning, I felt almost normal again, though I'm pretty sure it was just a combination of being fully occupied, shit-faced tired, and riding solely on adrenaline. Let's see... I've accepted the fact we're not together, and I can say we're not going to get back together without a need to hedge it. One of the main things I seem to be having problems with is picturing her with other guys, but that's nothing new to me. That became a lot easier, though, when I realize that if that's what makes her happy, then that's the optimal solution. It's slowly migrating from a sharp, biting pain to a dull sense of loss. Of course, that may just be my mind doing what it takes to get what I want. That, of course, being hanging out with Lilie again. This is starting to sound a little weird - overdoing it a bit, 'cept there's NOTHING else going on in my life; usually isn't. Eh, at least it's something to write about. I just wish she would tell me she doesn't like me anymore. That would make things easier.
Actually, no, it wouldn't, and I'm glad she didn't. Unless she doesn't.
Or something like that.
So, back to my life story, as told by the bizarre set of relationships I've been through. So, we left off with Mary.
Terri
This is the first of the really complicated ones (there're three). We went out a total of... four times? Five? I lost count. I don't remember when we went out throughout Freshmen, Sophomore, and Junior year. I'm pretty sure one time was between November and April of Junior year, but other than that, no idea. All I really have is assorted memories. There was one time I went with her to Alkek to work on some research thing, and we were in this private study room thing. Nothing happened, though not for lack of effort on her part. I was still... kinda shy around her at that point. I remember when we went on a field trip to some art museum in Houston (I think) for AcaDec; David went too. There was some disagreement about who she was going to sit with or something, she ended up sitting with David on the way there, and me on the way back. I think that was *right* before we went out another time. And then on the actual AcaDec trip, her hotel room was right next to mine. Ours - there were some other guys in there, of course. Anyway, it was late (dark, past lights-out). There were doors adjoining each pair of rooms, but you had to open them from each side. (If you think you know where this is going, you're wrong.) So it was known that I don't sleep in beds in hotels; I usually end up sleeping on the floor somewhere, when I do go to sleep. So these fingers start appearing underneath the door between our rooms; it's her. Apparently, I was supposed to open the door... who knows. But I didn't. (Told you.) So there was just a lot of weirdness like that during the early years of high school.
Terri was a very... sexual girl. Horny may be a better word. Like this one time we were talking on the phone kinda late at night, over at Jarrod's. Kinda hot stuff going on. When I hung up (we'd been playing Twisted Metal as well), he told me, "Wow. I didn't know you did phone sex." I didn't either, but apparently, we had just had some light phone sex. I remember another time when we were talking on the phone (similiar to last time), and she started... making some odd noises. First time I'd heard those in person. I was... a little surprised. I asked her about it, and she confirmed it. Fun times.
We did kiss, eventually. Actually caused a major fight between Mindy and I, since we (Mindy and I) were going out at the time. Though I don't try to justify it, there were extenuating circumstances. So, Terri and I were good friends since... seventh grade? I know we've known each other for a long, long time. We'd been through a lot, and there was a lot of romantic tension between us, since we both had feelings for each other throughout most of high school. She decided to graduate a semester early, in December. After that, she was moving to Canada to go to Preacher school. I don't understand it either. Anyway, we were hanging out one last time before she moved to another country. I can't stress that one enough. It was very much, "I don't know when I'll see you again." We were sitting in my truck, in the parking lot between Italian Garden and (now) Murphy's Deli, across from Taco Bell. No real reason, we had just been driving around. We sat there talking for a while, and things got quiet. We both knew she had to get home soon. And, things just kind of happened. Our heads got closer and closer, until our lips collided. It was a full-on, open mouth making out with plenty of toungue. This wasn't the first time I'd made out with a girl, courtesy of Mindy, but not with this kind of... I don't know how to put it. It's almost passion, because we didn't know when we were going to see each other again, and this was something that should have happened between us a *long* time ago.
I told Mindy about what happened, and she got (quite understandably so) upset at me. Don't blame her one bit. Got through that one okay, though one time when we were, um, going at it, she made some comment about me imagining her as Terri. I really didn't know what to say to that one, and told her that it was really offensive.
Anyway.
So Terri moved to Canada. Went to Germany to work with a church there, while her family moved to North Carolina. She came back to the states and moved to NC as well. That's when we started talking again. That summer, the summer of '02, after my first year of college, I actually drove out there to see her. It's... um, 26 hours or so. Didn't stop, except for gas. Got there at like 4 in the morning. Fun times. I remember that night really well. Her parents had this really big RV thing, with a little extra room/tent looking thing, and I slept there. All in all, it was a pretty fun vacation. We kissed a fair amount while I was down there, but nothing more. The one weird thing, though, was that she started talking about how in love with me she still was. That... kinda freaked me out. I mean, we hadn't seen each other in like, a year and a half? Didn't say anything about that before I left. Sometime later, but not that much later, I think a few weeks, she was in town. I was still really freaked out, so I didn't return her calls or anything. Yeah, bad idea on my part.
Flash foward about ten months foward. That was when Rose and I started talking a lot online, and somehow, she relayed to Terri how sorry I was, and Terri and I started talking again. And sure enough, I drove to North Carolina *again* that summer. This trip was a little easier, since I had discovered DDR that November, and my physical stamina was much greater, so I had no problem staying awake (as I did the first time I drove there). And Terri really, really pissed me off while I was down there. When I had first mentioned the idea of coming down there again, she mentioned that she had moved out, and had her own apartment now. However, when I got there, she had neglected to mention one little detail - her family had moved in with her. Now, I like her family (for the most part), but I was looking foward to not having to deal with ANYONE the entire time. I just wish she would have mentioned that before I got there. Secondly, well, this one requires some backstory. I *hate* driving. I mean, anything more than like half an hour, hate it. That is, of course, the main reason I haven't already graduated from UT, and transferred to SWT. I especially hate driving by myself. That's why whenever Lilie asked me to go get her some food or something, I'd usually make a half-hearted request for her to come with me.
Anyway.
So the day after I get there, after making this 26~ hr drive, Terri decides we're going to this little town two hours away. Of course, I'm driving. She knows how much I hate driving - the topic came up several times while we were talking about me coming down there again. And to top it all off, this little town thing we went to... was a stupid little artsy-crafty tourist walk-around-and-look-at-all-the-cute-little-shops place. OMFG!! It really, really upset me. I mean, normally, I don't mind that kind of thing, and am more than happy to walk around for a few hours in such a situation. But this was the first day of my vacation, following a twenty-six hour drive. Um, no. She didn't even tell me where we were going until we got there. I suppose I could cut her some slack; she was probably trying to be nice. But if so, she could have put a little more thought into it. Anyway. So I tried telling her how I felt, and she got very, very upset. Some... other stuff happened too, and I ended up spending most of my vacation at the arcade, playing DDR. That's where I met Carrie, briefly.
So visit number two ended badly as well. I left... three days early? It was funny, because I had the time off that I had requested, so I went in and wrote on the schedule that I was back in town and available to pick up shifts as needed. That being the middle of summer, I think I ended up picking up shifts all three days I was supposed to be off. Fun times, all in all.
But the story doesn't end there. Nope.
One day, some time later (I don't really remember when, though if I felt motivated enough, I could probably dig it up in here. Possibly.), they told me someone was asking for me out on 31. I look out, and sure enough, it's Rose, Joy, and TERRI. Fun times. So we were in the middle of this major rush, so I had to just have Bonelle go out and give them my cell phone number and told them to call it some time after six or so. They did. Terri and I ended up driving around a while, and things happened, and we ended up in a hotel room for the night. Almost had sex. I remember that we were both topless, but that's about as far as things got. Turns out she was allergic to latex, and that wasn't a path I wanted to tread. Anyway, we spent the night together, and she went back home, and that was that. That's more or less the last time I saw her, except for a brief stint where she was online with a webcam in New Mexico (I'll come to that later; the only reason I mention it here is that she flashed me. I had forgotten about it, until not too long ago when I was cleaning out my computer and came across a series of webcam captures from that incident. Fun times.)
Crystal
I almost forgot to add this one in. I was actually typing about Mindy when it occured to me that I had forgotten to put in Crystal. She came up to me and asked me out one day, and I was like, 'Um, okay.' We went out for... a month? I don't really remember that much about dating Crystal... I think she liked to write *really* long notes, and tended to over-dramaticize things, including how close we were. I went with her to her church youth group meeting one time... that was kinda weird. And I drove her home after that. No, wait. I dropped her off over by Crockett somewhere. Was she staying with a friend? Maybe I gave her a ride *to* the church. No, 'cause it has a definite 'end of the evening' feel to it. She wanted me to kiss her. I know that now, though at the time, I was woefully oblivious. And she broke up with me not that much later, for that reason. Recurring pattern, it would seem.
Kenni
So that one kind of went on for a while, in terms of chronology. I'm backing up a bit, to Junior year. Crystal and Terri were it during sophomore year, and I remember by the time summer came around, I had been single for a while. We had this pool party near the end of the summer; we being Janelle and myself, with each of us inviting, I think, eight people. One of the people I invited was Kristina. She said she couldn't come unless she brought her little sister. Or just asked if she could. I don't really remember. I told her sure, that'd be fine. That was the first time I met Kendall. That's what she goes by now, at least. I've always, and probably always will, call her Kenni. It is sort of annoying, though, when people think I mean another Kenni - during high school, Kenny Leeper, and now recently, Kenny McCreight.
Anyway.
So we talked a little during the pool party (remember, this is way before I had major social problems; I was very outgoing at the time). Didn't think anything of it, though.
Silly me.
When school started, Kenni was a freshmen, and I was a Junior. Every morning, she would find me no matter where I was - cafeteria, where I usually was, chess club, only on Wednesday mornings, or helping someone in some class, and give me a big hug and tell me good morning. It was... really nice. So finally, I got around to thinking about her in that way. I remember, I wasn't the only one. I seem to recall about the same time David taking an interest in her as well. I think. I could be wrong on this one, but I distinctly remember a conversation I had during 1st period American History with Kristina about if she thought Kenni should go out with David, and if she thought I had a chance with her. The only problem was, Kenni wasn't allowed to date until she turned 16 - some rule her mom had. It was either that, or she wasn't allowed to go on '1-on-1' dates until then. Something like that. However, I had known her mom for a while through Kristina - we carpooled to summer band one year, among other things - so I called her up and talked to her about it. I recall saying "I'm seeking your permission to court your daughter."
Yeah, I know.
Quit laughing.
Anyway.
She repeated that out loud, really loud, and was laughing. Fun times. Anyway, long story short, she had known me for a while, and trusted me, so she gave me her approval. In fact, she even let us go out by ourselves, despite Kenni not being 16 yet. She would turn 16 in about... two or three months. I forget the exact date. That we started going out, I mean. I still know her birthday. She was born a week before me. Well, a week and two years.
Anyway.
So we went out, and things were great. Had a lot of fun. I don't have any chronological memories, though I do remember one time when we went to help move some wood for the band barbarque. It was her mom's cousin, or brother, or something, that had it out on his property, so we were driving out there to meet him, load it up, then bring it back and unload it at the band hall (or something like that). It was a fairly long trip out there - like two hours or something. The actual loading up went rather smoothly, though her mom was tossing pieces of wood over to the trailer, and one hit me in the head. Fairly hard. I was bleeding a lot, and the guy dumped this ice cold water out of the water cooler on my head. I made some joke about 'Ya know, if you don't want me to date your daughter, there are much easier ways to express your dissapproval' or something along those lines. That evening, Kristina drove her mom's car-mini SUV-thing to the store, with Brandy (her best friend) in the passenger seat, and Kenni and I in the back. We were clinging to each other the whole way there and back. Not in a romantic way, but in an oh-my-god-I-don't-want-to-die way, 'cause Kristina barely know how to drive a stick. So that was fun. That night, we - Kenni and I - went down the pool, just the two of us. Had a lot of fun. All strictly innocent, for those of you with dirty minds. We didn't even kiss, though that was soon enough.
Went to Homecoming together. She wore this gorgeous burgundy dress. Lots of fun. That night, I had my first kiss. (Yes, my first kiss was Homecoming night, my junior year. Deal with it. It was her first kiss too) I walked her to her door, as my mom has drilled into my head since my very first date, and went to hug her good night, and she interrupted me with a good night kiss.
We kissed a lot after that. I have one very distinct memory of the two of us sitting in the band hall after school, watching the percussion sectionals, sitting on top of the trombone cubies, and stealing kisses when the director wasn't looking. They were all close-mouthed, for those of you who might get the wrong idea. So yeah, we had a lot of fun together.
Then, one Wednesday, I want to say about two months after we started going out, her friend Melissa Roundy came into the chess club meeting. She walked up to me, and I don't quite recall what she said. The general gist was that Kenni didn't feel safe around me anymore, and was breaking up with me. I caught a brief glimpse of her (Kenni) crying as the two of them left. I would later - much later - find out there was... an incident with her mother's boyfriend the night before. So I didn't talk to her for a while, but we're still good friends.
Mindy
Ah, Mindy. Dear sweet Mindy. This was, I think, my first real relationship. Of course, it was still a little high school thing, but definitely a real relationship. To put things in context, we broke up a total of nine times. That means we got back together eight times. She was two and a half years younger than me. No, wait. Three and a half years. Fourteen and seventeen, when we started going out (8th and 11th grade. Fun times.)
So, we've got a lot of material to get through, so let's just start at the beginning. Um, Crystal Todd (yes, the Crystal that I dated earlier in the story) told me that she had this friend that wanted a boyfriend in high school, and she was a really sweet girl, and she thought the two of us would get along really well, and asked me if I'd be interested. My judgment has never been terribly great, so I said sure. Couple days later, I get a note from a random hand sticking out of a school bus. It's from Mindy. We talked on the phone not too much later, for like four hours. We went to the skating rink together, with Crystal as well, fairly soon after that. We had a lot of fun, getting to know each other, asking questions, that kind of thing. We hit it off really well right from the start, had a good connection.
We started going out on April 7th. Not quite sure why I remember that, though I usually remember things like that (I still know her address and both phone numbers, as well as her old Yahoo sn/e-mail). I have a few scattered memories of the early days. She really liked 'The Thong Song' by Sisqo, I remember requesting it and dedicating it to her one time; she really liked that. I remember one time (all of this was at the skating rink; we went there often on Friday nights) she had me lead her around the skating rink for like two laps, with her eyes closed, as a trust thing. Worked out well, though she did stumble right at the end. I remember one time during 'Genie in a Bottle' when Christina says "You gotta rub me the right way", I came up behind her and ran my hands down her sides. She loved that.
The next memory I have, besides the rampant note exchanging, was going on a triple-date to the bowling alley. We had a blast. It was Mom + Jerry, Bam + Greg, Mindy and me, plus Brennan and Janelle (there were the odd-two out). For some odd reason, I remember she had her hair up in pigtails - she did that often, during the early days - and she looked *so* cute when she did. Anyway, I had to take her over to the skating rink after that - she was riding home with Crystal (oh yeah, they were like *best* friends at this time. They also lived next door to each other). Anyway, we were sitting outside, in the skating rink parking lot, when she mentioned that I owed her a kiss. This was a month or two, I think. Maybe it was during the summer. Not quite sure. I do remember we started kissing early on, and often. Anyway. Actually, come to think of it, this may have been our first kiss. Maybe not. Anyway, we had some thing going on - I think it was a trivia game or something, and she was ahead, so she decided I had to kiss her that evening. I leaned over her, and kissed her on the lips, but still very short, very close-mouthed. She looked at me kind of funny, said something like "Not like that" and leaned over to me.
And that was the first time I made out with a girl. We made out a lot after that. We were... a very affectionate couple. You know those people you get annoyed at 'cause they're making out in front of you at the movies? That was us. At least, until we got smart and started sitting in the back. That was until we found a make-out spot. My mom worked in this building that had a litte spot right next to it that was basically completely hidden from anywhere; you could only see it if you were right there. So that was fun.
That summer, she went to Colorado with her church group. I ended up going too. Oh, yeah, I sort of also had this neo-Christian phase. Not entirely because of her, though she played a major role. So we went to Colorado together. Lots of fun. I also remember I arranged things to ride her bus home one day near the end of the school year. I had to sit out on the patio in front of the cafeteria for like four hours, though, since we got out at noon, and the buses were still running at their normal times (this was during finals). So I rode the bus home with her, and had to walk like half an hour from the closest stop. Fun times. Wait. The kiss happened after this. I'm sure of that. In fact, come to think of it, it probably happened after the Colorado trip as well. Not entirely sure, and it's not entirely germane.
Anyway.
So school started back up, and it was really, really cool, 'cause she was there on campus too. I'm pretty sure we got warnings more than once for PDAs. Not kissing, though - holding hands, that kind of thing. Not that we didn't kiss.
Anyway.
So I got my truck somewhere in here - late October, if I remember correctly. Before that, I had been driving my mom's car. We went to homecoming in Mom's car - she still had this... white car that looked like a fish. She wore this... blue spaghetti-strap dress, very shiny. Fun times. So I came out of Math club one day, and found that Mindy had done my truck windows up like Homecoming, with shoe polish everywhere, cause she didn't have the chance to do so earlier. Let's see... what else?
The next memory I have is breaking up with her. I was wearing some green shirt with an Irish thing on it that Bambi gave me. We were standing out by my truck. I... think it was the end of the day.
And that's definitely enough for today. I started writing this five and a half hours ago, though I certainly haven't been writing constantly.
I wanna make you holler
So I find myself at an impasse concerning WoW. I don't think I'll stop playing, but I do have a conundrum of sorts. I deleted all of my characters from Feathermoon, and planned on moving to another server. It makes sense, I swear. However, I don't really look forward to starting characters on another server. For one thing, I won't know anyone on that server, and I doubt I'll meet anyone on that server. Of course, that's basically the situation I was in on Feathermoon anyway, having quit Autumn Weave. But the plan was never to cut Lilie out completely, just to get some space for a while until I can be just her friend (well, that's never going to be the case. I mean, until I can hang out with her without just thinking about how we should be together). So I will end up back on her server at some point. Which would mean that I'd have to move servers *again*. Erg.
The best situation I can think of is playing some Horde characters, which would be cool. Although, I did plan on having my own little coven of Alliance characters with most of the trade skills represented (I find no need for enchanting). My list goes something like:
Gnome Mage, mining/engineer 'Schlemilly'
Human Warlock, skinner/tailor 'Asclepius'
Dwarf Hunter, skinner/leatherworker 'Balderk'
[?] Rogue, herbalist/alchemist
Dwarf Warrior, mining/blacksmithing
That [?] will either be Gnome or Human. If it's gnome, their name will be Schlemepius. Well, that does leave Shaman, Druid, and Priest (I refuse to play Paladins). I could have a smaller horde set -
Tauren Druid Skinner/Leatherworker
Troll Priest ?/?
Orc Shaman ?/?
That would also allow me to play every race and class except Undead and Night Elf (I don't like Undead, and as a general rule, don't play Elves, though my last D&D character was an exception). As far as trade skills go, I'll probably have my priest take Tailoring; not sure about the other three slots. The shaman might go mining/blacksmithing, and I could have my priest take skinning to make sure everybody has the leather that they need. Hmm, I'll have to play around with that. Now I just have to figure out which server to have them on. I don't know what *kind* of server to be on. I don't think I would have ended up on an RP server had it not been for Lilie; I probably would have been on a PVP server. But I can't really join Matt and Luke's, after all that stuff. And, for the record, it's not them, it's me.
The best situation I can think of is playing some Horde characters, which would be cool. Although, I did plan on having my own little coven of Alliance characters with most of the trade skills represented (I find no need for enchanting). My list goes something like:
Gnome Mage, mining/engineer 'Schlemilly'
Human Warlock, skinner/tailor 'Asclepius'
Dwarf Hunter, skinner/leatherworker 'Balderk'
[?] Rogue, herbalist/alchemist
Dwarf Warrior, mining/blacksmithing
That [?] will either be Gnome or Human. If it's gnome, their name will be Schlemepius. Well, that does leave Shaman, Druid, and Priest (I refuse to play Paladins). I could have a smaller horde set -
Tauren Druid Skinner/Leatherworker
Troll Priest ?/?
Orc Shaman ?/?
That would also allow me to play every race and class except Undead and Night Elf (I don't like Undead, and as a general rule, don't play Elves, though my last D&D character was an exception). As far as trade skills go, I'll probably have my priest take Tailoring; not sure about the other three slots. The shaman might go mining/blacksmithing, and I could have my priest take skinning to make sure everybody has the leather that they need. Hmm, I'll have to play around with that. Now I just have to figure out which server to have them on. I don't know what *kind* of server to be on. I don't think I would have ended up on an RP server had it not been for Lilie; I probably would have been on a PVP server. But I can't really join Matt and Luke's, after all that stuff. And, for the record, it's not them, it's me.
The world's most persistent belt salesman
Finally, here it is: My long-awaited UI mod list:
This is the list of all UI mods that I use, what they do, and why I use them.
AlphaMap - Allows you to display a transparent copy of the map of the zone you're in on the screen, and you can adjust how transparent, from invisible to completely opaque. It doesn't interfere with controlling your character at all, so you can look at the map and still do whatever it is you're doing.
Available Only - Sets the default filter when visiting trainers to showing only the abilities you can learn. I'd rather see those first, then switch to everything, then the other way around.
Bag_Status_Meters - Displays little bars on each bag, as well as an overall meter, that tell you how full your bags are.
bc_ActionBarDrag - Disables dragging buttons off of the toolbars, which can be toggled with a key-bound press. I don't play sitting in a chair, so I look for things like this.
bc_AutoMailSubject - If you drag an item into the 'Send Mail attachment' slot, and the subject line is blank, it automatically fills in the subject line with the name (and number, if stackable) of the item.
Gatherer - Displays icons for gatherable resource nodes on the minimap and realm map, for future reference. Lilie goes nuts over this mod.
Goodinspect - Allows you to bind 'Inspect target' to a key, and increases the inspect range.
Jotter-K - Creates a little in-game notebook. I use it to write down what equipment each of my characters is using, so I can tell if something another character finds or can make would help out another of my characters, that kind of thing.
KillLog - Tracks your kills across each level, session, and overall. Also tracks max damage for each kind of attack/ability, max crit damage, Xp breakdowns, Deaths this session, etc.
LeetSpeak - Gives you two new slash commands - /lsay and /lyell that transform your input into ultra-leet speak. Good for annoying people on PVP servers.
LootLink - Tracks every item any of your characters have ever seen in a searchable database, and remembers sell prices as well.
myClock - Replaces the little day/night icon with an actual clock, which you can adjust to display your time, instead of the server time.
PlayerLinkMenu - Allows you to click on player names in chat to get a menu with 'Who', 'Invite', 'Tell', etc.
SCT - Adds damage and events to your character as scrolling text, much like the enemy has, which allows you to see damage and what-not without having to watch your character's portrait.
CT_Mod - This is the large package I use, though I've disabled most of the features. I just use it for the extra toolbars (up to five total; one above the main toolbar, one to the right of that, one above that one, and one going down each side of the screen.) You can drag, rotate, and resize them. Also allows you to drag and rotate the petbar, hide unused button spaces, show quest levels, disable the quest text-fade effect, show map coordinates, and have different ways of displaying your and the enemies health and mana. Among the things I don't use are a revamped buff-bar, item buffs, something about the party, and, um, something about bags. A great mod pack, since it doesn't interfere with anything else (like stupid Cosmos), and is very light-weight and encapsulated, so you can even delete the parts you don't want.
On a personal note, yes, I do hate Cosmos. I see it as my personal goal to stop people from using Cosmos (I have David to thank for saving me from a similiar fate. I was originally going to use Cosmos, after watching Lilie play, but he exposed me to CT_Mod). I consider saving Lilie from Cosmos and introducing her to granular UI mods the greatest act of love I have ever performed.
This is the list of all UI mods that I use, what they do, and why I use them.
- AllBagsOpen - When you go to a vendor, the auction house, a mailbox, the trade window, or anything along those lines, it automatically opens *all* your bags instead of just your backpack. Perhaps the greatest mod of all time. Replaced 'VendorBags', which I used before discovering this mod, which only did it for vendors.
On a personal note, yes, I do hate Cosmos. I see it as my personal goal to stop people from using Cosmos (I have David to thank for saving me from a similiar fate. I was originally going to use Cosmos, after watching Lilie play, but he exposed me to CT_Mod). I consider saving Lilie from Cosmos and introducing her to granular UI mods the greatest act of love I have ever performed.
2005-02-22
My tear ducts are so completely drained right now
Yeah, that didn't work so well. Went to create a new character... and didn't. I just don't feel like going through all the early stuff again (I can hear Lilie yelling at me at this point "Then why the hell did you delete your characters?"), especially since the environment will be so isolated now. This may be a momentary lapse, or a sign of major burn-out or paradigm shift.
We'll see.
So... let's do a relationship recap. Those are always fun. I'm in tears anyway; dredging up a bunch of old memories and mucking about in the pain of the past seems like the perfect way to spend the next four three hours.
So, without further ado...
Ah, the first one, the one that started it all. We met in fifth grade (?). I think. I know we were in the same group of classes in fifth grade - Mrs. Hirsch, Mrs. Jimenez, and Mrs... Barragon? They sort of rotated around, so Hirsch did Social Studies, Barragon did Math, and Jimenez did Science. No, wait. Jimenez was sixth grade science. Crap. Anyway. There were five of us that they just didn't know what to do with - me, Chelsea, Roland, Stacy, and Melanie. They put us in this little 'enrichment group' and had us do projects and stuff during class, since we were all bored with normal classwork anyway. The one I really remember is we did a 'game show' for the rest of the class. I don't really remember the parameters, but I do remember the five of us sitting outside the classroom, talking about polar bears and penguins and their co-existence. We finally did the game show; I was the announcer; Mel and Roland were the hosts, and Stacy and Chelsea (both were fairly shy in that grade) were the judges. We had two little things that came from a Happy Meal or something; theyw were like little air-buttons, attached to a car, and when you hit the button, the car went foward. That's what we used to have them indicate that they were ringing in to answer the question. It was over Christmas vacation that year (that may be starting a little early... but I've always been a very emotional person) that I thought I liked her. Didn't say anything that year, of course.
Next year, at Lamar/Hernandez, I met David and Michael, amongst others. David's been a very influential person in my life - he's introduced me to a lot of things, including Weird Al, Star Wars, WoW, computers... the list goes on. Anyway. That was also when I made the shift from a very quiet, shy person to a loud extrovert. I want to say we had the same homeroom (Chelsea and I). I know John Brown and I did, 'cause we often played chess during homeroom. I know we had English and Social Studies together (due to specific memories), so I know we were in the same block. But I can't remember if we had homeroom together. So one Friday, I told Michael and David that I liked Chelsea. They both laughed. That should have been my first warning.
So eventually, the entire school knew. I don't know who told who, and this much later, I don't really care. I just remember that *everyone* knew, and they teased her a lot about it. They teased me too, but I've never cared about being teased. Stopped caring... in first grade? Something like that. Anyway. I've never been 'cool' or 'popular'. I've never quite been an 'outcast', either, though. So, I couldn't bring myself to talk to her at all. I was just so devastated that she was being put through all of this because of me. I don't think I've ever really dealt with that fact. I think I still carry around a lot of guilt for that. Maybe. Anyway.
So I didn't really talk to her all year. I went to decent lengths to avoid her, in fact. At one point, they were experiementing with how we sat at lunch. (This may have been fifth grade. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think it was fifth grade.) Anyway, they had the boys sitting on one side, and the girls on the other. I remember the day I was sitting across from her. Couldn't meet her eyes at all. Isolated little anecdote.
So, yeah, didn't really talk to her all year during sixth grade. I mean, I'm sure we talked once or twice, but nothing of any substance. We were in Horizons together (despite my abbreviated attempt to quit over them forcing me to do a speech in front of the class). I do have a few specific memories of that year. We took a Social Studies test in Mrs... can't remember her name, though I can picture her - 's class. We were allowed to leave as soon as we were done. I was done first, as usual, and left. Apparently, after I left, someone yelled out "Billy loves Chelsea". And yes, she was in the room as well. The teacher didn't really say anything. Also... oh wait, this was fifth grade - we did a play called "Travis in TAAS Land"; I was the bathroom monitor. I lip-synched a remix of "I am the captain of the Pinefor" and got wrapped in toilet paper. Roland, Chelsea, and... Mel (?) were the three sidekicks (this was basically a parody of Alice in Wonderland). Anyway. Near the end of the year, Chris Carrasco - he played trombone, and we hung out a few times - found Stacy's address book. He had a crush on her, so it was fortunate. In any case, I gave him two dollars, and he gave me Chelsea's address out of it. From there, I got her phone number as well.
After the school year ended, right at the beginning of the summer, I wrote her this letter, about how sorry I was about what had happened that year, and everyone teasing her, and I would understand if she hated me forever. The thing I remember is writing "PS. I do like you." Figured she might as well know. So, the summer went on. Sorta forgot about the letter. Near the end of the summer, a letter came, addressed to me. It was in a pink envelope, postmarked Austin, and had a question mark in the return address. We thought it was from my cousin Felicia, but that didn't make that much sense. Of course, she was the only girl in Austin I knew (we'd later find out how stupid I was). So, I open it up, and it says the following:
To this day, the meaning of that last 'like' is still up in the air. Though, of course, almost ten years later, it's a bit of a moot point.
Anyway. So, seventh grade. That and part of eighth grade are kind of a blur, and I have trouble differentiating between the two, and sorting out what happened when. I do know that we wrote each other three more times, and that my half of the correspondence was quite possibility the stupidest things ever written (I swear that part of one of them was talking about how "Run, Forrest, Run" was stolen from Star Wars: Episode IV. Yeah. I *really* didn't know what to say back then. Still don't, but I'm slowly making progress.) I'll just go with the assorted and sporadic memories I do have.
Valentine's Day, '96. The PALS club was doing this rose thing where for $1.50 (or 12 for a dozen), you could send a rose to someone, and they'd give it to them during last period on Valentine's Day. I worked out a deal with mom where I'd fold all the laundry on the couch (and it was *full*), and she'd give me the twelve dollars. I spent a few hours doing so - watched the Stanley Cup while I was at it - and did it. Lauren Wyatt said she had this huge smile when she got into her car. As for myself, I got two that day. One was actually from Chelsea (From: Chelsea Williams; Have a Happy Valentines Day. Sorry I haven't written. ?) The "?" is actually written on the card; and one was from Michael, Donny, and them, trying to screw with me. The first hint is that they misspelled her name. Though, and I don't know if I've ever noticed this before, Chelsea spelled my last name "Martian." That's just cute.
There was a dance that night. I don't know if I went. Wait.. no, I didn't. Because in her next letter, she wrote:
Looking at the postmarks of the envelopes, that would have been the last letter she wrote me, in eighth grade. No, seventh. Anyway. We went to see Sgt. Bilko. I remember a lot of that very well. She was wearing a yellow dress. Josh and I were standing there, talking, while she was standing in front of one of the pillars. I kind of peeked my head around the pillar and asked her if she already had a ticket, and she told me that yes, she did. (Josh was telling me I was supposed to buy hers.) This was back in Cinema 5. It was on the... left side, where there were three screens. She had a Dr Pepper, and I had a Sprite. I spent probably half the movie trying to figure out if I should hold her hand. I never did, for the record - I started not making moves early on.
There were two other letters between the first and last one.
It took me forever to get the riddle. She gave me two clues - it's four letters, and it starts with 'k'. Of course, the answer is kiss. Again, any meaning in there is debatable, but I still lean towards 'no'.
This next one was the conclusion of some drama. Jennifer Hunt told me that Chelsea didn't like me and wanted me to fade out of her life, and I wrote her a letter telling her that I would. I also felt really bad about something Mat did - don't remember what.
Of course, that riddle is a lot easier.
So, we did go to the end-of-year dance together. Didn't slow dance, though.
Any memories after that lose all coherence or chronology. I remember during... sixth grade (?) we had a talent show thing, and she got up and sang 'El Shaddai' acapella (?). I couldn't look at her the whole time. Eighth grade, after we were apart, she sang 'Lemon Tree' and accompanied herself on the acoustic guitar. We went on after her and did 'Since You've Been Gone' by Weird Al (David and I). We went to the skating rink.... twice? I broke up with her for some reason in seventh grade, and we got back together like a week later. I called her a total of four times; once, was from Jarrod's - he started attacking me with a spatula, and I fought back with one; once, I called her from my house while Jarrod was over and Mom was gone; we were watching Transformers: The Movie; I don't really remember the other two times. She called and broke up with me some time during eighth grade. I was devastated.
This leads us to:
Shayna was... really short. Had freckles, long black hair, dark eyes. Her mom was an english teacher at the high school (had her for a year and a half). This was... probably a week after we broke up. We were in Gamez (Alg. I)'s class, and we were working on some homework. I had already finished, and had my head down on my desk. Shayna raises her hand, and asked, "Can I go see if Billy is okay?" The whole class was like, "Whoo!" But she did, and talked to me, and... things went from there. We talked on the phone a lot. I don't know if she liked me from the start, or was just being friendly and I grew on her, but either way, we started going out. I know we went to the eighth grade Valentine's Day dance together; I'm having trouble remembering what else. I figure we probably went to a few movies, since that's really all there is to do in this town. I do remember that she gave me this old-fashoined key, which represented "the key to her heart". Yeah, I know. My response? Put it on some fishing twine and wear it as a pendant for the duration of our relationship. Yeah, I know. Shayna was a very touchy-feely girl, which was new for me. We were always holding hands, or had our feet together. So... um, how did that one end? Oh, crap, that's right. Totally my fault. I um... sort of had this crush on Barbara? And wrote her a letter to that end - didn't identify myself by name. Shayna found out, though. So that ended that. I have no excuse... other than, well, it was eighth grade. Not much of one, I know.
So we ended up going out. Not a whole lot to tell. Went to her birthday party, we saw The Saint starring Val Kilmer and Volcano. Oh crap! We also went and saw Galaxy Quest... which I'm watching right now. Strange times. Those are the things I remember off the top of my head. She was a very quiet, very reserved girl, which was quite a change after Shayna. (Of course, none of that applies now. She's... grown up, I think, would be the best way to put it.)
Um... we were dating for about five months or so. We went to Project PASS together, which was this weird thing between eighth and ninth grade where they helped orient us to high school. It lasted... a week? She pushed me to complete the typing section and get credit for an entire course. That was... nice of her. Fun, too. I have a lot of sporadic memories of her. We went to Academic Pentathlon together. I took the Math category by a substantial margin. Jennifer Hunt, Barbara and I rode together while the rest of the group rode in the van. I remember that was my first exposure to pop music. Before that, I mainly just listened to Weird Al. On that trip, I heard 'Lovefool' by the Cardigans, 'Stay' by Lisa Loeb, and... one other song I can't remember. Yeah, that was a fun trip. We shared a pint of ice cream on the way home... I'm pretty sure I still have the spoon. We were a prolific letter-writing couple, often a few a day. Lemme think... That's all I'm coming up with.
Anyway, so summer band camp started. I remember the day very well. It was about a week or two into it. It was the end of evening rehearsal. I was sitting near the trombone cubbies, putting up my trombone. This was back when the trombone cubbies were across from the door. Josh and Anna came up to me; Josh was holding a note. He handed it to me. He mentioned something like "Don't read it 'til I'm gone, I don't want to get hurt. I'm just the messenger." I hate it when people foreshadow things in the *immediate* future like that. So it wasn't any surprise when I opened up the note and it was her breaking up with me. Something about me being "obnoxious, irratating, and immature." I would later find out that she meant "smothering." 'Cause, yeah, they mean about the same thing. She wouldn't talk to me for the rest of Freshmen year, except when she needed help in biology ('cause our teacher was bizarre, and most of the class had no hope of understanding anything he meant. I carried Josh, Terri, and Barbara through the course.)
So, yeah. Dumped right before high school started. Fair enough. Within two weeks, though, I heard through the channels (from Shayna, oddly enough) that there was this girl that wanted to ask me out or something. Her name was Mary, and she was a sophomore. After some initial confusion, we hooked up. Red hair, freckles, nice body. She called me once while I was helping Mom carry in groceries. We talked about stuff - she was also taking German, and demonstrated how well she knew the German alphabet. She also gave me a tape with "How Do I Live Without You?" by LeAnn Rimes and "Fly" by Sugar Ray. We went on one date, to a movie. Some chick flick. Sporadicly, thoughout the movie, she turned towards me. I'd note this through my periphial vision and turn to her and see what was up. She'd say 'nothing' and resume watching the movie. Everyone I've ever told this story to has told me that she was basically screaming at me to kiss her. Good to know. She broke up with me within a week. Total time for us? Two weeks or so. I still hung out with her group during lunch a lot, though. I talked to her not too long ago, too. More on that later.
Crap, looks like it's almost time to go to work. I'll get to the later ones - Terri, Kenni, Crystal, Mindy, Nikki, Suzie, and yes, even Lilie later. I might even mention some of the incidental ones - Zara, Sara, and Heather. Hell, I might even bring Dru, Leslie, Melissa, and a few others into the fold. Fun times. I should do this more often.
We'll see.
So... let's do a relationship recap. Those are always fun. I'm in tears anyway; dredging up a bunch of old memories and mucking about in the pain of the past seems like the perfect way to spend the next four three hours.
So, without further ado...
Chelsea
Ah, the first one, the one that started it all. We met in fifth grade (?). I think. I know we were in the same group of classes in fifth grade - Mrs. Hirsch, Mrs. Jimenez, and Mrs... Barragon? They sort of rotated around, so Hirsch did Social Studies, Barragon did Math, and Jimenez did Science. No, wait. Jimenez was sixth grade science. Crap. Anyway. There were five of us that they just didn't know what to do with - me, Chelsea, Roland, Stacy, and Melanie. They put us in this little 'enrichment group' and had us do projects and stuff during class, since we were all bored with normal classwork anyway. The one I really remember is we did a 'game show' for the rest of the class. I don't really remember the parameters, but I do remember the five of us sitting outside the classroom, talking about polar bears and penguins and their co-existence. We finally did the game show; I was the announcer; Mel and Roland were the hosts, and Stacy and Chelsea (both were fairly shy in that grade) were the judges. We had two little things that came from a Happy Meal or something; theyw were like little air-buttons, attached to a car, and when you hit the button, the car went foward. That's what we used to have them indicate that they were ringing in to answer the question. It was over Christmas vacation that year (that may be starting a little early... but I've always been a very emotional person) that I thought I liked her. Didn't say anything that year, of course.
Next year, at Lamar/Hernandez, I met David and Michael, amongst others. David's been a very influential person in my life - he's introduced me to a lot of things, including Weird Al, Star Wars, WoW, computers... the list goes on. Anyway. That was also when I made the shift from a very quiet, shy person to a loud extrovert. I want to say we had the same homeroom (Chelsea and I). I know John Brown and I did, 'cause we often played chess during homeroom. I know we had English and Social Studies together (due to specific memories), so I know we were in the same block. But I can't remember if we had homeroom together. So one Friday, I told Michael and David that I liked Chelsea. They both laughed. That should have been my first warning.
So eventually, the entire school knew. I don't know who told who, and this much later, I don't really care. I just remember that *everyone* knew, and they teased her a lot about it. They teased me too, but I've never cared about being teased. Stopped caring... in first grade? Something like that. Anyway. I've never been 'cool' or 'popular'. I've never quite been an 'outcast', either, though. So, I couldn't bring myself to talk to her at all. I was just so devastated that she was being put through all of this because of me. I don't think I've ever really dealt with that fact. I think I still carry around a lot of guilt for that. Maybe. Anyway.
So I didn't really talk to her all year. I went to decent lengths to avoid her, in fact. At one point, they were experiementing with how we sat at lunch. (This may have been fifth grade. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think it was fifth grade.) Anyway, they had the boys sitting on one side, and the girls on the other. I remember the day I was sitting across from her. Couldn't meet her eyes at all. Isolated little anecdote.
So, yeah, didn't really talk to her all year during sixth grade. I mean, I'm sure we talked once or twice, but nothing of any substance. We were in Horizons together (despite my abbreviated attempt to quit over them forcing me to do a speech in front of the class). I do have a few specific memories of that year. We took a Social Studies test in Mrs... can't remember her name, though I can picture her - 's class. We were allowed to leave as soon as we were done. I was done first, as usual, and left. Apparently, after I left, someone yelled out "Billy loves Chelsea". And yes, she was in the room as well. The teacher didn't really say anything. Also... oh wait, this was fifth grade - we did a play called "Travis in TAAS Land"; I was the bathroom monitor. I lip-synched a remix of "I am the captain of the Pinefor" and got wrapped in toilet paper. Roland, Chelsea, and... Mel (?) were the three sidekicks (this was basically a parody of Alice in Wonderland). Anyway. Near the end of the year, Chris Carrasco - he played trombone, and we hung out a few times - found Stacy's address book. He had a crush on her, so it was fortunate. In any case, I gave him two dollars, and he gave me Chelsea's address out of it. From there, I got her phone number as well.
After the school year ended, right at the beginning of the summer, I wrote her this letter, about how sorry I was about what had happened that year, and everyone teasing her, and I would understand if she hated me forever. The thing I remember is writing "PS. I do like you." Figured she might as well know. So, the summer went on. Sorta forgot about the letter. Near the end of the summer, a letter came, addressed to me. It was in a pink envelope, postmarked Austin, and had a question mark in the return address. We thought it was from my cousin Felicia, but that didn't make that much sense. Of course, she was the only girl in Austin I knew (we'd later find out how stupid I was). So, I open it up, and it says the following:
Dear Billy, |
To this day, the meaning of that last 'like' is still up in the air. Though, of course, almost ten years later, it's a bit of a moot point.
Anyway. So, seventh grade. That and part of eighth grade are kind of a blur, and I have trouble differentiating between the two, and sorting out what happened when. I do know that we wrote each other three more times, and that my half of the correspondence was quite possibility the stupidest things ever written (I swear that part of one of them was talking about how "Run, Forrest, Run" was stolen from Star Wars: Episode IV. Yeah. I *really* didn't know what to say back then. Still don't, but I'm slowly making progress.) I'll just go with the assorted and sporadic memories I do have.
Valentine's Day, '96. The PALS club was doing this rose thing where for $1.50 (or 12 for a dozen), you could send a rose to someone, and they'd give it to them during last period on Valentine's Day. I worked out a deal with mom where I'd fold all the laundry on the couch (and it was *full*), and she'd give me the twelve dollars. I spent a few hours doing so - watched the Stanley Cup while I was at it - and did it. Lauren Wyatt said she had this huge smile when she got into her car. As for myself, I got two that day. One was actually from Chelsea (From: Chelsea Williams; Have a Happy Valentines Day. Sorry I haven't written. ?) The "?" is actually written on the card; and one was from Michael, Donny, and them, trying to screw with me. The first hint is that they misspelled her name. Though, and I don't know if I've ever noticed this before, Chelsea spelled my last name "Martian." That's just cute.
There was a dance that night. I don't know if I went. Wait.. no, I didn't. Because in her next letter, she wrote:
| Dear Billy, I'm really sorry that I haven't written in so long. I'm a terrible pen pal. I have absolutely no discipline. By the way, I never got a chance to thank you for the roses. They're beautiful. It made me feel wonderful. I tried to dry them out, but I guess I did it wrong, because they fell apart. I wish you had come to the dance. I didn't have a partner for the slow dances, so I danced with an invisible person (no, I'm not kidding.) Do you know that Josh asked Rebecca Caudle to the movies. I wouldn't normally write about something like this, but Rebecca's a friend of mine and her mother wants her going on group dates. So Rebecca wants couples so Josh doesn't have to go with a bunch of girls. She wants me to ask you to go along. Would you like to? I don't know what movie they're going to, but I'd really enjoy going with you. Write back soon. Chelsea. |
Looking at the postmarks of the envelopes, that would have been the last letter she wrote me, in eighth grade. No, seventh. Anyway. We went to see Sgt. Bilko. I remember a lot of that very well. She was wearing a yellow dress. Josh and I were standing there, talking, while she was standing in front of one of the pillars. I kind of peeked my head around the pillar and asked her if she already had a ticket, and she told me that yes, she did. (Josh was telling me I was supposed to buy hers.) This was back in Cinema 5. It was on the... left side, where there were three screens. She had a Dr Pepper, and I had a Sprite. I spent probably half the movie trying to figure out if I should hold her hand. I never did, for the record - I started not making moves early on.
There were two other letters between the first and last one.
| Dear Billy, Hi! It's great to hear from you again. With all this school stuff I never get to talk to you. My report cards pretty good, although I need to bring my grade a few points up in Horizons. As far as my electives, I was in drama, but the class was cut, I'm not sure why. Anyway I was snatched up by art, which also explains the lunch thing. If you like riddles here's one for you. 'I'm just two and two. I am hot, I am cold. I am the parent of numbers that cannot be told. I am gift beyond measure, a matter of course. I am given by pleasure, when taken by force. What am I?' [For the record, I didn't have to look at the letter to type that. I still know it by heart.] I got it out of a horror book. By the way, I do love chess, but I'm not very good at it. May the force be with you too Well gotta go Chelsea Williams PS Sorry, I'll send you a picture soon. I was absent the day of pictures. As soon as I get one I'll send it to you. PPS Thank you for the compliment. You're a really cool guy. |
It took me forever to get the riddle. She gave me two clues - it's four letters, and it starts with 'k'. Of course, the answer is kiss. Again, any meaning in there is debatable, but I still lean towards 'no'.
This next one was the conclusion of some drama. Jennifer Hunt told me that Chelsea didn't like me and wanted me to fade out of her life, and I wrote her a letter telling her that I would. I also felt really bad about something Mat did - don't remember what.
| Dear Billy, What are you talking about?! I never said anything like that. I don't want you to fade out of my life. Jennifer is not my friend. Not really. My best friend Lauren told me what had happened, she's in your class. I got really mad at Jennifer. I don't blame you for what happened with Mat or Rat Boy. You're probably going to hear a lot of rumors. Please remember that most of them aren't true. I really like you and don't want you to fade out of my life. fade in would be better. How are you doing in school? I'm doing pretty well. I have another riddle for you - What is: 'The beginning of eternity the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, the end of every race?' Bye, Chelsea L Williams. |
Of course, that riddle is a lot easier.
So, we did go to the end-of-year dance together. Didn't slow dance, though.
Any memories after that lose all coherence or chronology. I remember during... sixth grade (?) we had a talent show thing, and she got up and sang 'El Shaddai' acapella (?). I couldn't look at her the whole time. Eighth grade, after we were apart, she sang 'Lemon Tree' and accompanied herself on the acoustic guitar. We went on after her and did 'Since You've Been Gone' by Weird Al (David and I). We went to the skating rink.... twice? I broke up with her for some reason in seventh grade, and we got back together like a week later. I called her a total of four times; once, was from Jarrod's - he started attacking me with a spatula, and I fought back with one; once, I called her from my house while Jarrod was over and Mom was gone; we were watching Transformers: The Movie; I don't really remember the other two times. She called and broke up with me some time during eighth grade. I was devastated.
This leads us to:
Shayna
Shayna was... really short. Had freckles, long black hair, dark eyes. Her mom was an english teacher at the high school (had her for a year and a half). This was... probably a week after we broke up. We were in Gamez (Alg. I)'s class, and we were working on some homework. I had already finished, and had my head down on my desk. Shayna raises her hand, and asked, "Can I go see if Billy is okay?" The whole class was like, "Whoo!" But she did, and talked to me, and... things went from there. We talked on the phone a lot. I don't know if she liked me from the start, or was just being friendly and I grew on her, but either way, we started going out. I know we went to the eighth grade Valentine's Day dance together; I'm having trouble remembering what else. I figure we probably went to a few movies, since that's really all there is to do in this town. I do remember that she gave me this old-fashoined key, which represented "the key to her heart". Yeah, I know. My response? Put it on some fishing twine and wear it as a pendant for the duration of our relationship. Yeah, I know. Shayna was a very touchy-feely girl, which was new for me. We were always holding hands, or had our feet together. So... um, how did that one end? Oh, crap, that's right. Totally my fault. I um... sort of had this crush on Barbara? And wrote her a letter to that end - didn't identify myself by name. Shayna found out, though. So that ended that. I have no excuse... other than, well, it was eighth grade. Not much of one, I know.
Barbara
So we ended up going out. Not a whole lot to tell. Went to her birthday party, we saw The Saint starring Val Kilmer and Volcano. Oh crap! We also went and saw Galaxy Quest... which I'm watching right now. Strange times. Those are the things I remember off the top of my head. She was a very quiet, very reserved girl, which was quite a change after Shayna. (Of course, none of that applies now. She's... grown up, I think, would be the best way to put it.)
Um... we were dating for about five months or so. We went to Project PASS together, which was this weird thing between eighth and ninth grade where they helped orient us to high school. It lasted... a week? She pushed me to complete the typing section and get credit for an entire course. That was... nice of her. Fun, too. I have a lot of sporadic memories of her. We went to Academic Pentathlon together. I took the Math category by a substantial margin. Jennifer Hunt, Barbara and I rode together while the rest of the group rode in the van. I remember that was my first exposure to pop music. Before that, I mainly just listened to Weird Al. On that trip, I heard 'Lovefool' by the Cardigans, 'Stay' by Lisa Loeb, and... one other song I can't remember. Yeah, that was a fun trip. We shared a pint of ice cream on the way home... I'm pretty sure I still have the spoon. We were a prolific letter-writing couple, often a few a day. Lemme think... That's all I'm coming up with.
Anyway, so summer band camp started. I remember the day very well. It was about a week or two into it. It was the end of evening rehearsal. I was sitting near the trombone cubbies, putting up my trombone. This was back when the trombone cubbies were across from the door. Josh and Anna came up to me; Josh was holding a note. He handed it to me. He mentioned something like "Don't read it 'til I'm gone, I don't want to get hurt. I'm just the messenger." I hate it when people foreshadow things in the *immediate* future like that. So it wasn't any surprise when I opened up the note and it was her breaking up with me. Something about me being "obnoxious, irratating, and immature." I would later find out that she meant "smothering." 'Cause, yeah, they mean about the same thing. She wouldn't talk to me for the rest of Freshmen year, except when she needed help in biology ('cause our teacher was bizarre, and most of the class had no hope of understanding anything he meant. I carried Josh, Terri, and Barbara through the course.)
Mary
So, yeah. Dumped right before high school started. Fair enough. Within two weeks, though, I heard through the channels (from Shayna, oddly enough) that there was this girl that wanted to ask me out or something. Her name was Mary, and she was a sophomore. After some initial confusion, we hooked up. Red hair, freckles, nice body. She called me once while I was helping Mom carry in groceries. We talked about stuff - she was also taking German, and demonstrated how well she knew the German alphabet. She also gave me a tape with "How Do I Live Without You?" by LeAnn Rimes and "Fly" by Sugar Ray. We went on one date, to a movie. Some chick flick. Sporadicly, thoughout the movie, she turned towards me. I'd note this through my periphial vision and turn to her and see what was up. She'd say 'nothing' and resume watching the movie. Everyone I've ever told this story to has told me that she was basically screaming at me to kiss her. Good to know. She broke up with me within a week. Total time for us? Two weeks or so. I still hung out with her group during lunch a lot, though. I talked to her not too long ago, too. More on that later.
Crap, looks like it's almost time to go to work. I'll get to the later ones - Terri, Kenni, Crystal, Mindy, Nikki, Suzie, and yes, even Lilie later. I might even mention some of the incidental ones - Zara, Sara, and Heather. Hell, I might even bring Dru, Leslie, Melissa, and a few others into the fold. Fun times. I should do this more often.
This is kinda funny
So I deleted my three characters (12 Warlock, 14 Hunter, and 19 Mage) on Feathermoon; sold all their Soulbound stuff and sent the money and assorted stuff (metal bars, malachite, shadow gems, etc.) to one of Lilie's characters (since I don't really know anyone else on that server anyway). So I'm going to start on a new server. Why? Well... it's complicated. Basically, I'm a compulsive person, and late at night, I succumb to weakness. If the opurtunity is there, I'll take it. So, if I have a character on Feathermoon, I'll log on and see if she's on. Stalker-y? A little, but hey, I really like this girl. So I have to do this now, so that a week from now, when I desperately want to talk to her, but I'm not over her at all, it'll be that much harder to do so.
Man, that doesn't make any sense at all.
This whole thing is very odd for me, because I've always followed my heart, went with what 'felt right.' But in this case, what feels right is not, in fact, the best path. So my heart and brain are at war, and my heart isn't used to being opposed.
I just want to stop hurting. Though, I wouldn't let go of the good memories to stop it. That's not something I'm willing to give up. Maybe that's my problem.
In retrospect, Lilie has had such a huge influence on my WoW experience. She introduced me to Autumn Weave. Without them, I daresay I would barely know anyone in there at all (well, save for some of my RL friends, which I've discussed in previous posts why that's a moot point.) I'm learning that my social problems extend to the online realm, so I doubt I'll meet many people playing (aside from grouping for elite quests, I haven't met anyone online so far. And none of those associations created during those groupings lasted much longer than the group itself did.) I might stop playing for a while as well. Not sure on that one. I should elaborate on that one. I don't feel at all like I'm playing an MMO. Given my experience so far, this could just as easily be a console based, single player RPG. And yes, I'm sure it's my fault, as is my isolation in real life as well. I've been down this road a thousand times with Heather and Rose both, and heard all the advice I think there is in the entire world on the topic.
Again, I just feel so cast adrift right now. It's... disconcerting.
Man, that doesn't make any sense at all.
This whole thing is very odd for me, because I've always followed my heart, went with what 'felt right.' But in this case, what feels right is not, in fact, the best path. So my heart and brain are at war, and my heart isn't used to being opposed.
I just want to stop hurting. Though, I wouldn't let go of the good memories to stop it. That's not something I'm willing to give up. Maybe that's my problem.
In retrospect, Lilie has had such a huge influence on my WoW experience. She introduced me to Autumn Weave. Without them, I daresay I would barely know anyone in there at all (well, save for some of my RL friends, which I've discussed in previous posts why that's a moot point.) I'm learning that my social problems extend to the online realm, so I doubt I'll meet many people playing (aside from grouping for elite quests, I haven't met anyone online so far. And none of those associations created during those groupings lasted much longer than the group itself did.) I might stop playing for a while as well. Not sure on that one. I should elaborate on that one. I don't feel at all like I'm playing an MMO. Given my experience so far, this could just as easily be a console based, single player RPG. And yes, I'm sure it's my fault, as is my isolation in real life as well. I've been down this road a thousand times with Heather and Rose both, and heard all the advice I think there is in the entire world on the topic.
Again, I just feel so cast adrift right now. It's... disconcerting.
2005-02-21
Every time you leave the room, I feel I'm fading like a flower
So I went in to work Saturday night. That was fun. More on that later. Shelley was working that night as well, and I asked her about Lilie. She said something, something that I think I really needed to hear. She said, "You know it's never going to be all about you, right?" She also said something about Lilie talking to Scott still, and something about monagamy (I can't spell that word.) These were all things I already knew, I'd just sort of subconsciously forgotten about them.
Which really drove the point home for me. Lilie's never going to be what I want her to be - mine. I'll never be special to her the way she is to me. Ever since we'd broken up, I've been carrying this daydream that one day, she'd call me up or turn to me, and say something along the lines of "Hey, I've dealt with my issues, and realized that this other guy is twenty-six states away, and I want to be with you." I doubt I'll ever be able to ever really drop that. I still have a similar one about Chelsea. I'm not good at letting people go.
So, we talked a little over IM Sunday night. We talked a lot more earlier, on WoW. She accused me of running away from my problems, instead of facing it. But in this case, what's the difference? Here's what I understand: I like Lilie. I'm fucking crazy about her. But we found each other at the wrong time in our lives. She doesn't want a serious, committed relationship, having just gotten divorced, and having issues with that as well. I, on the other hand, won't have it any other way. I want to be with someone who likes me as much as I like them... I want to be special to someone. And I don't mean a little special... I mean really special. I'm probably just being young, stupid, naive, and idealistic, and setting myself up for a string of dissapointments. Sucks to be me. I'll deal with it then.
So I'm making a clean break. I need some time, and some space. Despite what she thinks, I'm not cutting her out of my life permanently. I couldn't do that. I mean, if she were to call right now and ask me to come over and help her with something, I would. Or if she calls later and needs to talk, I'm there for her. I think, though, that I'm mainly just writing that so that she knows that, assuming she continues to read this. Continuing with things I want her to know, assuming she reads this... I'll always like her. I mean, more than just a special memory or a fondness in my heart. I mean, in six months, if she were to come up and ask me out, sure. In a heartbeat. Of course, that line of thought isn't very conducive to moving on. I'm not sure how far I'll be able to move. I hope that I can progress to the point where we can hang out without me thinking "Man, we should be together" every six seconds or so. Not because I want to, but because I'm tired of crying. I *don't* want to let go of her, or get over her. I want to be with her. But I know things don't always (ever, for that matter) work out how you want them, and that you just have to make the best with the situation you've got. So, this is what I've got. I do want to be friends with her. I mean, hell, right now, she's about the only friend I have. I managed to alienate my D&D group; Jarrod's busy about to propose; can't really meet anyone at school or work; where does that leave me? It scares the shit out of me.
So, what other options do I have? Keep going along as we were? No. She pegged it when she said that she didn't know how we'd handle being 'just friends.'
So this update has been kind of scatter-shot, and I'll try to post a more coherent, better organized one tomorrow. I just feel... cast adrift right now. Like I'm drowning in the ocean, and I cut the last rope myself. Or caught in a hurricane, and the rock I used to anchor myself to is gone. And I hurt. A lot.
Which really drove the point home for me. Lilie's never going to be what I want her to be - mine. I'll never be special to her the way she is to me. Ever since we'd broken up, I've been carrying this daydream that one day, she'd call me up or turn to me, and say something along the lines of "Hey, I've dealt with my issues, and realized that this other guy is twenty-six states away, and I want to be with you." I doubt I'll ever be able to ever really drop that. I still have a similar one about Chelsea. I'm not good at letting people go.
So, we talked a little over IM Sunday night. We talked a lot more earlier, on WoW. She accused me of running away from my problems, instead of facing it. But in this case, what's the difference? Here's what I understand: I like Lilie. I'm fucking crazy about her. But we found each other at the wrong time in our lives. She doesn't want a serious, committed relationship, having just gotten divorced, and having issues with that as well. I, on the other hand, won't have it any other way. I want to be with someone who likes me as much as I like them... I want to be special to someone. And I don't mean a little special... I mean really special. I'm probably just being young, stupid, naive, and idealistic, and setting myself up for a string of dissapointments. Sucks to be me. I'll deal with it then.
So I'm making a clean break. I need some time, and some space. Despite what she thinks, I'm not cutting her out of my life permanently. I couldn't do that. I mean, if she were to call right now and ask me to come over and help her with something, I would. Or if she calls later and needs to talk, I'm there for her. I think, though, that I'm mainly just writing that so that she knows that, assuming she continues to read this. Continuing with things I want her to know, assuming she reads this... I'll always like her. I mean, more than just a special memory or a fondness in my heart. I mean, in six months, if she were to come up and ask me out, sure. In a heartbeat. Of course, that line of thought isn't very conducive to moving on. I'm not sure how far I'll be able to move. I hope that I can progress to the point where we can hang out without me thinking "Man, we should be together" every six seconds or so. Not because I want to, but because I'm tired of crying. I *don't* want to let go of her, or get over her. I want to be with her. But I know things don't always (ever, for that matter) work out how you want them, and that you just have to make the best with the situation you've got. So, this is what I've got. I do want to be friends with her. I mean, hell, right now, she's about the only friend I have. I managed to alienate my D&D group; Jarrod's busy about to propose; can't really meet anyone at school or work; where does that leave me? It scares the shit out of me.
So, what other options do I have? Keep going along as we were? No. She pegged it when she said that she didn't know how we'd handle being 'just friends.'
So this update has been kind of scatter-shot, and I'll try to post a more coherent, better organized one tomorrow. I just feel... cast adrift right now. Like I'm drowning in the ocean, and I cut the last rope myself. Or caught in a hurricane, and the rock I used to anchor myself to is gone. And I hurt. A lot.
Why can't I live forever? I don't know
So, I decided that I have to make a clean break. I'm not going to get over her when it's like almost nothing has changed. I started going through my computer last night after I got home from work. Deleted her links from my Favorites - both journals, her DeviantArt page, and just for good measure, Shelley's blog as well. Took her off my buddy list, and out of my cell phone. (Both of those are cosmetic only; I knew her home number and screen names by heart. It's not like it's something I've done on purpose. I mean, hell, I still remember Chelsea's phone number and address by heart. I only used her address once, and her phone number... four times?) Deleted the text version of her blog that was in E:\Holding Bin, then I went through E:\Holding Bin\Backgrounds, which is the directory that my random background program uses, and deleted all the pictures with her in them. I didn't remove the pictures from Camera Captures, because, well, I still want them, and I usually don't delete pictures. I also don't just go through there anyway. Then, I came to our Trillian log. (I was already crying pretty hard at this point.) And... I couldn't do it. I really couldn't. That was the first really irreplaceable thing. I mean, I know I have to, but I don't know if I can. We'll see. Logged on to WoW, and took all of her characters off of my friend list on all three characters, and even removed them from the little notepad I use. That's another change that doesn't really do that much, since I know them anyway. But at least I won't know when she's online and stuff.
But I'm scared.
More on that later.
But I'm scared.
More on that later.
2005-02-20
2005-02-19
I may have been seperated at birth from these two guys
Well, not really. But's funny.
http://members.cox.net/epsil0n/uhmm.wmv
In case you're wondering, the song is Dragostea Din Te by Haiducii.
http://members.cox.net/epsil0n/uhmm.wmv
In case you're wondering, the song is Dragostea Din Te by Haiducii.
I am 65% Geek, how dissapointing
I am 65% Geek.
Nerd, Freak, Geek, Dweeb. Sound familiar? That's okay, cause I will be the richest person at my 15th year high school reunion. If a "con" isn't happening that weekend.I thought I'd score much higher.
You may know him as Señor El Roboto
First off, here's a picture of Lilie from EQFaces.com:
She says it's the last recent, decent picture taken of her. She still has long hair, though. Now, it's pretty short, and part is died this brownish-orange color. Very cute.
So yeah, I went over there Tuesday night. It was like... 1:30 am? Lilie and I were playing WoW, and I made a RvB reference. "Now I'm thinking about kittens... kittens covered in spikes!" and that piqued her interest. She mentioned that I hadn't ever brought that over to watch, I responded that she had never asked, and she said, "I'm asking now."
So I went over there. She told me she'd been really restless and bored lately. I popped in the RvB DVD... and it didn't work. Or rather, the sound didn't work. Sort of. She has a mono output on her TV, except it was trying to force Stereo output, so only one channel was coming out. Well, the other one was as well, but you could barely hear it. Oddness. We sort of watched some MST3K, but I may have chosen some bad things to start off with - the Summer Blockbuster Awards special. I'm going to burn Puma Man to DVD, which is such a hilarious episode... it was a tough choice - Puma Man, Time Chasers, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, Laserblast, Hobgoblins, Angel's Revenge, Radar Secret Service, Riding with Death, Space Mutiny, Agent from H.A.R.M., The Final Sacrifice... any one of those would be a great episode. We'll see how she likes Puma Man.
Anyhoo, we had some horseplay too. Lilie started tickling me, which is always fun, if a little annoying, since there's not a whole lot I can do in defense. Well, other than curl up in a fetal position and cry. Not really. She's just not ticklish at all, so I usually just end up holding both her hands down so she can't. Shelley joined in, which is okay, 'cause she's ticklish, so I do sort of have a defense against her. It's just harder to make sure you don't accidentally hurt someone when it's two on one. Case in point, I was scooting across the floor, and I accidentally knee-dropped Lilie's foot. Hurt her really bad, but it's almost healed. She bit me on the upper forearm, which has left this incredible bruise. So Shelley eventually was going to bed, so we came back over here to watch RvB. By this time, it was like 4 am. Gyp started barking when Lilie showed up, but we quieted him down. So we were lying in my bed, watching RvB. And we fell asleep.
We woke up when my mom cracked the door open and yelled "7:30"! Luckily, she didn't notice Lilie lying there. Or if she did, she didn't say anything. Though, she would have said something by now. I can't describe how nice it felt to wake up next to Lilie in a nice warm bed... almost like old times.
Anyway.
She asked me to take her home *RIGHT NOW*, but I managed to convince her to wait until mom left. So, that was fun. Got her home okay, and Shelley hadn't even woken up yet, so she won't know. I don't know why Lilie was so worried about that, unless she just doesn't want Shelley thinking there's something going on between us, which there isn't. Went back over that night (Wednesday). I think. Wait, yeah. She called me and asked me to come over and help her set up her UI add-ons, 'cause I had shown her the suite that I use the night before, when she came over to my house. So, I went over there, brought her some KFC, and helped her. She didn't really need any, other than moving everything to the right directory. I feel proud, 'cause she's moved away from Cosmos. One more down in my never-ending fight to get people to stop using Cosmos.
Thursday, I opened. That was fun. Nothing major, though Dave did make a joke about me having sex with my mother, and everyone caught it. I wanted to smack him.
Went to play D&D that night. I think. Or was it Wednesday night? I don't really remember. Day's not important, anyway. Yeah, I think it was Thursday night.
Anyway.
Finally got to try out my new Elven Archer in combat; he got killed the second round. I was going to leave, when Matt pulled me aside and told me that this was all just Luke's dream. I didn't know why at the time, but I left anyway. I wasn't upset about being killed, especially since it wasn't really happening anyway, and I thought that was actually a neat idea - he did drop a hint or two about it during the combat. Later, I realized I was having a SaD attack. I don't really know if that's what I have, or just something similiar, but it seems to fit, and it's shorter than having to explain it every time. I kind of went into a negative emotion spiral after that. Later, when telling Lilie about this, she said that she hoped she wasn't part of it.
Sorry.
I mean, she wasn't really the cause of it, but she's gonna be part of 'em now. Major factor, in fact.
Anyway.
So last night, Lilie and I were gonna do dinner and a movie. Or rent one, or come back here and watch RvB. We went to Chili's, had a great time. She's much more upbeat lately, and talks a lot. I like it when she talks a lot - it's easier to learn things about her, to get to know her. She told me I over-analyze everything, even more than she does, and take it all to be the worst case possible. There's a very simple reason for that - I'm incredibly insecure. Anyway, we had a very nice dinner, then headed back to my place to watch RvB. On the way home, she said something along the lines of "I'd like to be back before it's too terribly late, say, before midnight?" At that point, I let her know it was approximately a quarter 'til. So I took her home. I had my arm around her, and she asked if I needed it back. I replied, "No, I learned how to drive with my left arm a long time ago." and laughed a little. She was like, "I don't want to know." "No, you don't." "I was being serious." "So was I. I wasn't going to say anything."
That got her really, really upest. She said something about how me confirming it meant it was something she didn't want know about or something. Yeah, probably a bad idea on my part. So things got really quiet after that. I almost started crying - more on that later (later post). She called me on being so quiet, and I didn't really have anything to say. That's what I do when I screw up, or upset someone, or things along those lines. I get afraid to say anything else, 'cause I usually don't know what to say anyway, so I just get really quiet. Anyway, she said she might come over sometime today before work to hang out. The insecure part of me (which is running very strong right now) is keeping me from getting my hopes up.
So, that's the latest recap. I still have some posts to make:
My character list, planned characters, and UI mods
Analyzation of the Lilie situation (pfft.)
The resurgance of BitTorrent
Why people are idiots
Current music: Utada Hikaru, Final Distance
Current Modd: Anxious, restless
Oh, Dave just called to see if I wanted to work Sunday day or night. Why? WHy on Earth would he ask me that?
She says it's the last recent, decent picture taken of her. She still has long hair, though. Now, it's pretty short, and part is died this brownish-orange color. Very cute.
So yeah, I went over there Tuesday night. It was like... 1:30 am? Lilie and I were playing WoW, and I made a RvB reference. "Now I'm thinking about kittens... kittens covered in spikes!" and that piqued her interest. She mentioned that I hadn't ever brought that over to watch, I responded that she had never asked, and she said, "I'm asking now."
So I went over there. She told me she'd been really restless and bored lately. I popped in the RvB DVD... and it didn't work. Or rather, the sound didn't work. Sort of. She has a mono output on her TV, except it was trying to force Stereo output, so only one channel was coming out. Well, the other one was as well, but you could barely hear it. Oddness. We sort of watched some MST3K, but I may have chosen some bad things to start off with - the Summer Blockbuster Awards special. I'm going to burn Puma Man to DVD, which is such a hilarious episode... it was a tough choice - Puma Man, Time Chasers, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, Laserblast, Hobgoblins, Angel's Revenge, Radar Secret Service, Riding with Death, Space Mutiny, Agent from H.A.R.M., The Final Sacrifice... any one of those would be a great episode. We'll see how she likes Puma Man.
Anyhoo, we had some horseplay too. Lilie started tickling me, which is always fun, if a little annoying, since there's not a whole lot I can do in defense. Well, other than curl up in a fetal position and cry. Not really. She's just not ticklish at all, so I usually just end up holding both her hands down so she can't. Shelley joined in, which is okay, 'cause she's ticklish, so I do sort of have a defense against her. It's just harder to make sure you don't accidentally hurt someone when it's two on one. Case in point, I was scooting across the floor, and I accidentally knee-dropped Lilie's foot. Hurt her really bad, but it's almost healed. She bit me on the upper forearm, which has left this incredible bruise. So Shelley eventually was going to bed, so we came back over here to watch RvB. By this time, it was like 4 am. Gyp started barking when Lilie showed up, but we quieted him down. So we were lying in my bed, watching RvB. And we fell asleep.
We woke up when my mom cracked the door open and yelled "7:30"! Luckily, she didn't notice Lilie lying there. Or if she did, she didn't say anything. Though, she would have said something by now. I can't describe how nice it felt to wake up next to Lilie in a nice warm bed... almost like old times.
Anyway.
She asked me to take her home *RIGHT NOW*, but I managed to convince her to wait until mom left. So, that was fun. Got her home okay, and Shelley hadn't even woken up yet, so she won't know. I don't know why Lilie was so worried about that, unless she just doesn't want Shelley thinking there's something going on between us, which there isn't. Went back over that night (Wednesday). I think. Wait, yeah. She called me and asked me to come over and help her set up her UI add-ons, 'cause I had shown her the suite that I use the night before, when she came over to my house. So, I went over there, brought her some KFC, and helped her. She didn't really need any, other than moving everything to the right directory. I feel proud, 'cause she's moved away from Cosmos. One more down in my never-ending fight to get people to stop using Cosmos.
Thursday, I opened. That was fun. Nothing major, though Dave did make a joke about me having sex with my mother, and everyone caught it. I wanted to smack him.
Went to play D&D that night. I think. Or was it Wednesday night? I don't really remember. Day's not important, anyway. Yeah, I think it was Thursday night.
Anyway.
Finally got to try out my new Elven Archer in combat; he got killed the second round. I was going to leave, when Matt pulled me aside and told me that this was all just Luke's dream. I didn't know why at the time, but I left anyway. I wasn't upset about being killed, especially since it wasn't really happening anyway, and I thought that was actually a neat idea - he did drop a hint or two about it during the combat. Later, I realized I was having a SaD attack. I don't really know if that's what I have, or just something similiar, but it seems to fit, and it's shorter than having to explain it every time. I kind of went into a negative emotion spiral after that. Later, when telling Lilie about this, she said that she hoped she wasn't part of it.
Sorry.
I mean, she wasn't really the cause of it, but she's gonna be part of 'em now. Major factor, in fact.
Anyway.
So last night, Lilie and I were gonna do dinner and a movie. Or rent one, or come back here and watch RvB. We went to Chili's, had a great time. She's much more upbeat lately, and talks a lot. I like it when she talks a lot - it's easier to learn things about her, to get to know her. She told me I over-analyze everything, even more than she does, and take it all to be the worst case possible. There's a very simple reason for that - I'm incredibly insecure. Anyway, we had a very nice dinner, then headed back to my place to watch RvB. On the way home, she said something along the lines of "I'd like to be back before it's too terribly late, say, before midnight?" At that point, I let her know it was approximately a quarter 'til. So I took her home. I had my arm around her, and she asked if I needed it back. I replied, "No, I learned how to drive with my left arm a long time ago." and laughed a little. She was like, "I don't want to know." "No, you don't." "I was being serious." "So was I. I wasn't going to say anything."
That got her really, really upest. She said something about how me confirming it meant it was something she didn't want know about or something. Yeah, probably a bad idea on my part. So things got really quiet after that. I almost started crying - more on that later (later post). She called me on being so quiet, and I didn't really have anything to say. That's what I do when I screw up, or upset someone, or things along those lines. I get afraid to say anything else, 'cause I usually don't know what to say anyway, so I just get really quiet. Anyway, she said she might come over sometime today before work to hang out. The insecure part of me (which is running very strong right now) is keeping me from getting my hopes up.
So, that's the latest recap. I still have some posts to make:
- Autumn Weave guild drama
Current music: Utada Hikaru, Final Distance
Current Modd: Anxious, restless
Oh, Dave just called to see if I wanted to work Sunday day or night. Why? WHy on Earth would he ask me that?
2005-02-16
All your heads are spinning 'round
So despite all odds, I hung out with Lilie last night. Or technically, this morning. It didn't start 'til 2 am or so, and it ended.. ten minutes ago, when I dropped her off at her house? Yeah, surprising. Don't read too much into it, though. Just some odd circumstances. Pleasant, but odd. More later.
2005-02-15
You don't have to act like a star, making moves in the back of your car
Wow, it's been quite a while since I posted last. Eh.
So, the last thing that happened was that I had left; she accused me of charging out and slamming the door, and I went back and apologized for giving that impression - not my intent. We stood there for a bit, her inside and me standing outside, for a few minutes, just looking at each other. Neither of us was really sure where to go from there, so I asked her straight out - would she like to do this now, or another time? She said another time, and I left.
Logged on to WoW that night, and we talked. Not about things that were going on between us, but we talked normally, like everything was okay. Quite odd.
The next morning, I went in to work 10 - 5. We were running low on bacon and sausage, so they sent me over to Guadalupe to pick some up. I walk in - "You here for the sausage and bacon?" "Yep." He goes to the back to get it; I stand there and wait, over to the side so as not to get in the carhops' way. There is a carhop standing right in front of me, with her back to me. She turns and says, "Hi Billy."
It was Mindy.
Yes, that Mindy. Turns out she was living here now; had been working at Sonic for two weeks or so. Bizarre. I told her that it really hurt that she didn't call about hanging out, and she winked at me. Odd girl. That evening, I talked to the new girl, Catrin. Seems really cool - a little on the geeky side (I heard a definite Ren Fair reference). Turns out she plays DDR! We were both kind of excited to find out. Of course, she doesn't play at the arcade, never has. She plays at NexLevel, mainly. I, of course, am the exact opposite. So that was a long day.
Um... I'm drawing a blank at this point. I remember what happened last week, but this was two weeks ago. Um... crap. I wanna say... I went over there on Thursday and we watched Dodgeball? Yeah, I think that's it. I'm not entirely sure what day it was, in retrospect. But yeah, took Dodgeball over there and we watched it. Shelely was there too. We (Lilie and I, that is) ended up somewhat snuggled up. Our heads were at opposite ends of the couch, but we were rubbing each other's legs, or feet, or something like that. She bit me on the arm, right above the elbow. It kinda hurt. She also bit me on the left shoulder, on the inside part.
Lemme think... I really need to keep more up-to-date on this stuff, so that I can get it all down. I know I drove up to Austin with Rose at one point, to take her to get her books, sell some back, and talk to one of her teachers. A'ight... um...
Saturday, Mindy stopped by my Sonic. I didn't realize it at first; she parked on 25(ish) and ordered two people's worth of food. After she finished ordering, I looked out at the car, and realized that it was a green Ford pickup, with the new curvy look. I was like, "No. No way." So of course, it was. Jessica went out to talk to her; she was with some guy named Travis who was her boyfriend. Fair enough. I was agonizing, trying to figure out why she came to my Sonic. There are two simple possibilites. A, that she was just trying to screw with me, or B, it's more convenient. I do remember Jessica mentioning that she thought she saw Mindy at Park North (which is right down the street from my Sonic) over the summer. If that's the case, it would make sense that she stopped by ours. Though, even if I lived right by the other Sonic (and I live a lot closer to that one than I do to mine), I'd still go to mine for the half-off discount. So, it's not quite a gimme. But, well, I'd have to go with B, it was just more convenient.
Wednesday, the four of us - Kevin, Lilie, Shelley, and myself - all went to Mana's for dinner. That was... interesting. It was really annoying, 'cause people kept bringing up the fact that Lilie and I weren't together anymore. I mean, I'm okay with it, but I do still like her a lot, so it's kind of annoying. For example, Kevin and I were whispering back and forth for a bit, and Shelley made some comment - "They may not be sleeping together anymore, but we are. Tell me." I was like, 'Thanks, Shelley.' Earlier in the day, I had made a joke about being illergic to Lilie, since I had only gotten sick - the death flu from Janelle, and whatever bug was going around the carhops - after we went out. She said something about how I couldn't be, since we used to sleep together without issue.
So yeah, that's about that. We're not together, doesn't look like we'll be getting back together anytime soon, if ever. I really don't konw what's going on between us. Sometimes, she acts like she wants to be really close, and other times, like she barely knows me. So, I'm just taking my cue from her. If she wants to call, to hang out, sure. But I'm not going to make the first move anymore. Like she was borrowing my DVD burner, and I had to get it back to rip Anchorman. I'm going to wait until she calls back to take it back over. It's a defense mechanism, I think - I'm really insecure about relationships - romantic, friendship, or otherwise - so when I get really confused, I tend to just wait and see how they react. I still like her. If she were to come in to Sonic one day and say something along of the lines of "Hey Billy, I've dealt with my issues, and I"d like to get back with you", I'd agree in a heartbeat. But I don't forsee that happening any time soon. I'll always like her, always have a little place in my heart where I have daydreams of running into her and hooking back up...
Anyway.
So that's that on the Lilie saga.
I don't really remember what I was going to talk about in regards to "Why I hate driving so much". WoW pictures are ready to post, though I'll probably wait another day or two. I'm also going to do a run-down on what UI mods I use (~10, for the record, thought I just added two while writing this statement).
So, I'll ramble on about Lilie a little more later. I've probably got a few random entries to make as well; those will come in the next few days as well.
Oh yeah, at one point, she stopped by to let me know (Thursday?) she'd been to court and finally finalized the divorce. She was really happy about that, so that's good.
I just went to drop of Anchorman at Blockbuster (I forgot to put the DVD in the box, which means I'll have to do it later) and switch out store keys at Sonic. Cat died her hair blonde. It's something of a shock. That, and as I was turning left onto Holland, Lilie was sitting at the light, about to turn left onto RR12. I looked at her as I was turning RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER, though she didn't react at all. Either she didn't see me, or she didn't want to. I could see it going either way on this one (yes, I'm a girl and over-analyze things too much. If it bothers you, quit reading). There's a decent chance she didn't see me - she's probably pretty tired, and doesn't tend to look around a whole lot; on the other hand, I drove right in front of her, and my truck is fairly unique and she knows what it looks like. I'm definitely leaning towards "Just didn't see you", which is what she'll say if it comes up either way. I just don't know with her at all anymore. It kinda hurts.
But I'm going to get off that subject now, 'cause I don't feel like going through everything.
So, the last thing that happened was that I had left; she accused me of charging out and slamming the door, and I went back and apologized for giving that impression - not my intent. We stood there for a bit, her inside and me standing outside, for a few minutes, just looking at each other. Neither of us was really sure where to go from there, so I asked her straight out - would she like to do this now, or another time? She said another time, and I left.
Logged on to WoW that night, and we talked. Not about things that were going on between us, but we talked normally, like everything was okay. Quite odd.
The next morning, I went in to work 10 - 5. We were running low on bacon and sausage, so they sent me over to Guadalupe to pick some up. I walk in - "You here for the sausage and bacon?" "Yep." He goes to the back to get it; I stand there and wait, over to the side so as not to get in the carhops' way. There is a carhop standing right in front of me, with her back to me. She turns and says, "Hi Billy."
It was Mindy.
Yes, that Mindy. Turns out she was living here now; had been working at Sonic for two weeks or so. Bizarre. I told her that it really hurt that she didn't call about hanging out, and she winked at me. Odd girl. That evening, I talked to the new girl, Catrin. Seems really cool - a little on the geeky side (I heard a definite Ren Fair reference). Turns out she plays DDR! We were both kind of excited to find out. Of course, she doesn't play at the arcade, never has. She plays at NexLevel, mainly. I, of course, am the exact opposite. So that was a long day.
Um... I'm drawing a blank at this point. I remember what happened last week, but this was two weeks ago. Um... crap. I wanna say... I went over there on Thursday and we watched Dodgeball? Yeah, I think that's it. I'm not entirely sure what day it was, in retrospect. But yeah, took Dodgeball over there and we watched it. Shelely was there too. We (Lilie and I, that is) ended up somewhat snuggled up. Our heads were at opposite ends of the couch, but we were rubbing each other's legs, or feet, or something like that. She bit me on the arm, right above the elbow. It kinda hurt. She also bit me on the left shoulder, on the inside part.
Lemme think... I really need to keep more up-to-date on this stuff, so that I can get it all down. I know I drove up to Austin with Rose at one point, to take her to get her books, sell some back, and talk to one of her teachers. A'ight... um...
Saturday, Mindy stopped by my Sonic. I didn't realize it at first; she parked on 25(ish) and ordered two people's worth of food. After she finished ordering, I looked out at the car, and realized that it was a green Ford pickup, with the new curvy look. I was like, "No. No way." So of course, it was. Jessica went out to talk to her; she was with some guy named Travis who was her boyfriend. Fair enough. I was agonizing, trying to figure out why she came to my Sonic. There are two simple possibilites. A, that she was just trying to screw with me, or B, it's more convenient. I do remember Jessica mentioning that she thought she saw Mindy at Park North (which is right down the street from my Sonic) over the summer. If that's the case, it would make sense that she stopped by ours. Though, even if I lived right by the other Sonic (and I live a lot closer to that one than I do to mine), I'd still go to mine for the half-off discount. So, it's not quite a gimme. But, well, I'd have to go with B, it was just more convenient.
Wednesday, the four of us - Kevin, Lilie, Shelley, and myself - all went to Mana's for dinner. That was... interesting. It was really annoying, 'cause people kept bringing up the fact that Lilie and I weren't together anymore. I mean, I'm okay with it, but I do still like her a lot, so it's kind of annoying. For example, Kevin and I were whispering back and forth for a bit, and Shelley made some comment - "They may not be sleeping together anymore, but we are. Tell me." I was like, 'Thanks, Shelley.' Earlier in the day, I had made a joke about being illergic to Lilie, since I had only gotten sick - the death flu from Janelle, and whatever bug was going around the carhops - after we went out. She said something about how I couldn't be, since we used to sleep together without issue.
So yeah, that's about that. We're not together, doesn't look like we'll be getting back together anytime soon, if ever. I really don't konw what's going on between us. Sometimes, she acts like she wants to be really close, and other times, like she barely knows me. So, I'm just taking my cue from her. If she wants to call, to hang out, sure. But I'm not going to make the first move anymore. Like she was borrowing my DVD burner, and I had to get it back to rip Anchorman. I'm going to wait until she calls back to take it back over. It's a defense mechanism, I think - I'm really insecure about relationships - romantic, friendship, or otherwise - so when I get really confused, I tend to just wait and see how they react. I still like her. If she were to come in to Sonic one day and say something along of the lines of "Hey Billy, I've dealt with my issues, and I"d like to get back with you", I'd agree in a heartbeat. But I don't forsee that happening any time soon. I'll always like her, always have a little place in my heart where I have daydreams of running into her and hooking back up...
Anyway.
So that's that on the Lilie saga.
I don't really remember what I was going to talk about in regards to "Why I hate driving so much". WoW pictures are ready to post, though I'll probably wait another day or two. I'm also going to do a run-down on what UI mods I use (~10, for the record, thought I just added two while writing this statement).
So, I'll ramble on about Lilie a little more later. I've probably got a few random entries to make as well; those will come in the next few days as well.
Oh yeah, at one point, she stopped by to let me know (Thursday?) she'd been to court and finally finalized the divorce. She was really happy about that, so that's good.
I just went to drop of Anchorman at Blockbuster (I forgot to put the DVD in the box, which means I'll have to do it later) and switch out store keys at Sonic. Cat died her hair blonde. It's something of a shock. That, and as I was turning left onto Holland, Lilie was sitting at the light, about to turn left onto RR12. I looked at her as I was turning RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER, though she didn't react at all. Either she didn't see me, or she didn't want to. I could see it going either way on this one (yes, I'm a girl and over-analyze things too much. If it bothers you, quit reading). There's a decent chance she didn't see me - she's probably pretty tired, and doesn't tend to look around a whole lot; on the other hand, I drove right in front of her, and my truck is fairly unique and she knows what it looks like. I'm definitely leaning towards "Just didn't see you", which is what she'll say if it comes up either way. I just don't know with her at all anymore. It kinda hurts.
But I'm going to get off that subject now, 'cause I don't feel like going through everything.
2005-02-11
2005-02-10
Goodbye to you? Not quite yet.
So, I thought that chapter in my life was done. I thought I was ready to write 'The End' on that page, and move on.
God, I'm glad that I'm really, really wrong sometimes. I feel better now than I have in a while.
Updates to come:
God, I'm glad that I'm really, really wrong sometimes. I feel better now than I have in a while.
Updates to come:
- WoW Pictures - I meet Mythsie, use UI mods, start an Alt, and have an in-game date with Lilie!
- Finishing up the weekend of terror
- Explaining what the heck is going on now - not that I understand it myself
- Why I hate driving so much
- And much, much more
Heaven; DJ Sammy ft Do
Baby you're all that I want.
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven.
Oh, thinking about all our younger years,
There was only you and me,
We were young and wild and free.
Now nothing can take you away from me.
We've been down that road before,
But that's over now.
You keep me coming back for more.
Baby you're all that I want.
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven.
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven.
Now, nothing could change what you mean to me.
There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now,
Cause our love will light the way.
Baby you're all that I want.
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven.
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven.
Now our dreams are coming true.
Through the good times and the bad
I'll be standing there by you.
(We're in heaven.)
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven.
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven.
Oh, thinking about all our younger years,
There was only you and me,
We were young and wild and free.
Now nothing can take you away from me.
We've been down that road before,
But that's over now.
You keep me coming back for more.
Baby you're all that I want.
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven.
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven.
Now, nothing could change what you mean to me.
There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now,
Cause our love will light the way.
Baby you're all that I want.
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven.
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven.
Now our dreams are coming true.
Through the good times and the bad
I'll be standing there by you.
(We're in heaven.)
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven.
2005-02-09
Ice Chewers Bulletin Board - All about Chewing Ice :: View topic - Sonic Ice?
Ice Chewers Bulletin Board - All about Chewing Ice :: View topic - Sonic Ice?
So Something Awful's Awful Link of the Day was a link to a forum about ice chewing. So I scope out that page a little, and sure enough, there's a thread about Sonic Ice. Awesomeness.
So Something Awful's Awful Link of the Day was a link to a forum about ice chewing. So I scope out that page a little, and sure enough, there's a thread about Sonic Ice. Awesomeness.
2005-02-08
There ain't another
Man, this is frustrating. Here, I thought the whole thing was over and done with. But the very things that allow me to think that are those that prevent it from being so. Things may be worse, though, since I don't know how she feels anymore, or what's going on. We'll see. This may take a more standard course now, which would suck, but that's the most likely course of action. There is, of course, only one way to find out.
2005-02-07
Living life, don't regret a moment; you know who you are
So I was sitting on her couch, with her sitting next to me, her head resting on my shoulder. She had said that she wanted to talk, so I was giving her a chance to do so. I wasn't going to start things - I was still in anger at this point, though tinted with bouts of grief. She didn't really say anything for a good five minutes or so. I felt that was ample time to at least say *something*, so I told her I was going to go ahead and leave. I really didn't want to do a prolonged hug type thing, so I went ahead and just left. Apparently, I shut the door with more force than was necessary - her carpet still gets in the way and makes things difficult. I really, really wasn't slamming the door.
However, she didn't see things that way. She yelled something along the lines of "Fine, just charge out of here and slam the door!" I turned and looked back at her, and she sort of shut the door real hard and ran off crying.
I haven't made a girl cry in... three years? Almost four? Something like that.
I was really angry at that point, so I left.
However, I got as far as the entrance to her apartment complex before I pulled into a parking spot, counted to ten in several languages, then turned back. I wasn't trying to patch things up, but I didn't want to leave on that note. I hate arguments about stupid little things; I hate it when they blow up into big arguments. I've seen it happen with my parents, Mom and Jerry, friends, and I've caught myself doing it. So now, when I see it happening, or the potential for it to do so, I try to stop things and settle that issue for what is before it gets out of hand. So I went back, and knocked on her door. I don't remember if she pulled the door open slightly, or just called out, or something along those lines.
But I apologized. I didn't apologize for slamming the door, since I didn't, but I did apologize for giving the impression that I charged out of there and slammed the door. She seemed to accept it; we stood there for about five minutes, her inside with the door open approximately as far as the internal chain lock would allow; I was just standing outside. Neither of us said anything or made any move. I wasn't sure where to go from there.
And it's time to go to class, so I'll try to finish this when I get home.
However, she didn't see things that way. She yelled something along the lines of "Fine, just charge out of here and slam the door!" I turned and looked back at her, and she sort of shut the door real hard and ran off crying.
I haven't made a girl cry in... three years? Almost four? Something like that.
I was really angry at that point, so I left.
However, I got as far as the entrance to her apartment complex before I pulled into a parking spot, counted to ten in several languages, then turned back. I wasn't trying to patch things up, but I didn't want to leave on that note. I hate arguments about stupid little things; I hate it when they blow up into big arguments. I've seen it happen with my parents, Mom and Jerry, friends, and I've caught myself doing it. So now, when I see it happening, or the potential for it to do so, I try to stop things and settle that issue for what is before it gets out of hand. So I went back, and knocked on her door. I don't remember if she pulled the door open slightly, or just called out, or something along those lines.
But I apologized. I didn't apologize for slamming the door, since I didn't, but I did apologize for giving the impression that I charged out of there and slammed the door. She seemed to accept it; we stood there for about five minutes, her inside with the door open approximately as far as the internal chain lock would allow; I was just standing outside. Neither of us said anything or made any move. I wasn't sure where to go from there.
And it's time to go to class, so I'll try to finish this when I get home.
When you look at me, tell me what you see
A'ight, so it took a little longer than I expected to get back to finishing this. You'll have to forgive me; I worked 3 - 1 (10 hours) yesterday, and 10:30 - 11:30 (13 hours) today. It didn't seem like nearly as long, but I was kinda lazy today. It was *really* slow, though, and I've stopped caring, so the crew doesn't seem to mind.
So. Friday night. Found her journal, found out she lied to me. She lied to me during that entire heartfelt conversation. I expected her response to be something along the lines of "But I didn't want to hurt you." That, of course, is complete bullshit. First, pain is a part of life. Most belief systems paint the afterlife as a place of complete bliss and paradise - in those cases, pain is a remainder we're alive. And for those of us that don't believe in the afterlife, well... denying pain is denying life. Second, when you put yourself out there, take a chance, you're going to get hurt. Another simple fact. But most importantly, that was the point of the entire conversation - that I'd prefer to find out first, and deal with it immediately, then have to find out later. Something like that. 'Cause now, not only do I have to deal with all the pain, but there's other things - uncertainty, for instance. I don't know if, if I hadn't found out, if she would have ever told me. Not that it's really any of my business, but it does have a bearing on our relationship. I have to deal with how stupid I feel, thinking everything was okay, when all the time, the world was laughing at me behind me back.
Fun times.
So, I didn't really feel like going to the Sonic party after that. Kristin called to make sure I was coming, and I told her that I wasn't planning on it. She got really upset - Kristin always seems so happy to see me come out to parties - and she put Bruce on the phone. I pretty much knew what he was going to say, but I let him say it anyway. Yep, Leslie was going to come by the party. Quick backstory: Leslie was a fountain/carhop when I started workingt there. I did, in fact, have a crush on her for a while (for those of you who are starting to think I seem to have crushes on a lot of people, all the time, or something like that, this was four years ago.) This was one of those that I knew would never come to fruitation - I'm not stupid. She eventually became a manager for a while, but she moved. We did hang out outside of work a few times - she went with me to see Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, among other things. Apparently, though, she was something of a slut. I'm *still* hearing about different guys at Sonic she hooked up with, or tried to, or something along those lines.
Anyway.
I hadn't seen her since she had left. So, I pretty much had to go at this point. Luckily, the tears hadn't set in yet. They would come, though.
I got there... saw Marny, who had definitely put on a few years. Leah was there too, along with the old favorites - Rudy, Ray, Freddie, Krisin, Allison, Erica (positioning herself to keep Marny and Rudy apart, since he's dating Allison now, who lives with Erica, except she's moving out to move back in with James, and I think they're getting back together, which is just messed up. Anyway.) I said hey to everybody, but wasn't very socialable. I basically just ended up sitting on the couch by myself, 'til Leslie got there. Kristin was a little drunk, so when I picked her up and hugged her, she tried to wrap her legs around me (didn't happen). Devon came in, which was a surprise. She's *so* tall. She was a giantess on skates - we opened together a few times, back before we did breakfast. Those were the days.
Anyway.
I didn't really mingle with anyone, for two reasons. First, I'm an outcast. Always have been, always will be. I don't fit in with groups, even when it's a group of friends. So, with this group of people I've worked with for years, I really don't belong. It's not anything to do with them - they're always more then welcoming and accepting, despite my proven... contrast. Second, my SaD was coming on really, really strong. Makes sense, given my current mental state. I almost left twice, before she even got there. Oh, and I almost asked for a drink, to get completely smashed for once, since I didn't really care at that point. Neither happened, though. But what did happen is that Leslie did *finally* show up. I got up, hugged her; we talked for about twenty seconds, and she went to say hi to everyone else. I left; it was about all I could take.
I would later find out from Bruce that Leslie was *not* happy. She went into the crowd, said hey to everyone, got a drink, and came back, hoping to talk to me, and I had left. Looking back, it would have been nice to have a chance to talk to her after so long. Of course, I don't think it would have gone very well. I would have ended up just crying on her shoulder for the majority of the conversation. At that point, though, I still hadn't broken down.
It happened on the way home. It really hit me, full force. I started crying like I hadn't cried in a long time. I didn't really relish the thought of going home and lying in my bed, so I called Rose to see if she had found something to do, or if the invitation was still good. I'm not entirely sure how she understood me, since I was fairly incoherent at that point. I don't really know what I said or anything, but I think she understood what was going on. Or rather, what I was asking, or something like that. She told me to go ahead and come up. I stopped by the house, grabbed my toothbrush, my carebear, and some shorts (I was still wearing my green pants, from going to the Sonic party), and drove up there. I balled my eyes out the whole way there. Not a pleasent experience. I just didn't really know how to react, how to deal with it. I mean, the lose, I could handle. But not that she didn't tell me, that she in fact told me the exact opposite, despite having a converation about that exact thing.
So, I got there. Rose had ordered pizza, and we had some pizza. Domino's, oddly enough. I spilled the whole story to her. Again, I don't know how comprehensible I was, though, as I was still crying. She seemed to follow, though. I hadn't seen Rose in a while. We talked for a few hours. That was when she told me that she thinks I might need professional help, and when she told me that my eyes are really pretty when they're all bloodshot from crying. I ended up crawling into her bed (I'd forgotten how comfortable it is) and crashing, while she stayed downstairs packing. She came up and woke me up Saturday morning 'bout 9:45. I came downstairs and saw that I had 2 missed calls from Sonic. I called up there; Adam answered. I asked him about the calls, he said "No, but I do know we're having a meeting right now." and hung up. I had totally forgotten, but even if I hadn't, I don't think it would have really changed anything.
Katie (Fink) stopped by. Another girl in this story I've had a crush on. This was... before they moved up there, so... nine months? Something like that. I think it was in late spring of last year, after we started hanging out together, before they moved up. Anyway. Turns out she married James Bluebird. She's now Katie Fink-Bluebird, which is just awesome. Also turns out not only do we have the same phone, but we use the same ringtone, and the same background! It was pretty cool. We loaded up the black vehicle and my truck with stuff, and drove on down to San Marcos and unloaded it into Rose's room. We also stopped by my house; apparently, Crystal and Mom were having a garage sale (didn't think to mention it to me, or anything). We all had some chips and queso; Rose showed off her tatoo. It was getting to be about 2 or 3 at this point, so we left. I took Rose by the Storage Place to get a unit, and dropped her off. There was one point that came up, though. Apparently, I thought she was getting a ride back up to Austin with Katie and James, but that they thought she was riding up with me.
Hmm...
I told her I could come get her after work and we could head up then. She decided to hang around town, so it worked. Work that night was... interesting. I didn't break down in tears in front of the crew, though I did have to go back to the bathroom twice or three times to compose myself. Picked up Rose after work, and we headed back up to Austin. This was when it started getting all cold and stuff.
Lilie called while Rose and I were driving to Austin. She told me that she had seen my blog, and was curious if I was okay, 'cause it sounded like I was mad or something. I told her that no, I was fine, just tired. She accepted that. Rose felt that I had to get her to tell me about what she had done, but I didn't think she would. So, I called her back about two minutes later. I said something along the lines of "Actually, no, everything's not okay. I don't like being lied to, so I'm not going to lie to you. I read your journal." Her response? "I don't have a journal." Priceless. "Yes, you do." "I haven't written in it in over a year." "Your blog." "How'd you find it?" Then I explained to her how I found it. She said something about not wanting to hurt me (how predictable), and that getting away was still the pervading reason for her trip. It was a really frustration conversation, because my truck is *not* quiet, and her reception was really bad, and she was talking quietly, so I kept having to ask her to repeat herself three and four times.
So that was fun. Rose and I finally got back to Austin; she was really tired, so we both just headed to bed. I hadn't slept with Rose in a long time, and it felt nice. We slept in fairly late, so we decided to finish it up Monday. The problem was that her lease expired at 6, so we would only have time for one load. Since we didn't have time for one Sunday, it would have to have everything. As big as my truck was, it wasn't going to work. I called David, and he said he'd be happy to come lend a hand. Major victory there. So I ended up throwing some stuff in my truck - two tables, three chairs, and the recliner, and took it down and dropped it off in the storage unit on my way to work. Work was... fun. There are five stages of loss - denial, barganing, anger, grief, and acceptance. I don't know the order. I've never had a problem with denial, and I don't really believe in bargaining, which leaves acceptance, grief, and anger. I did grief earlier, but I hit anger head on. I was really, really mad at her. I stayed mad at her for a while.
She didn't come online Sunday night, though she was on Y! briefly, but I didn't say anything. I didn't talk to her until Monday afternoon on WoW. She asked if I wanted to come over and talk, and I told her I'd be by later, after helping Rose move, and I'd have the DVD burner to let her borrow. So I drove up to Austin, and we finished getting Rose out of there. We didn't leave Austin until... 9 or so, though. Delays kept popping up. I felt so bad for David, since I had given him the impression that this would be a fairly minor undertaking, and it kept stretching on and on and on. But we finally got her moved out, down to San Marcos, and unloaded in her room. So after that, I went to Lilie's.
Went in, gave her the DVD burner; her phone rang, so I sat on the couch. She got off fairly quickly, and came over and sat next to me and put her head on my arm. I didn't really respond. She had said she wanted to talk, and it was going to have to start with her (it still does). I didn't really have anything to say.
A'ight, I just took a little nap, and it's 8 am, so I have to leave for class. I'll try later to finish this mighty epic.
So. Friday night. Found her journal, found out she lied to me. She lied to me during that entire heartfelt conversation. I expected her response to be something along the lines of "But I didn't want to hurt you." That, of course, is complete bullshit. First, pain is a part of life. Most belief systems paint the afterlife as a place of complete bliss and paradise - in those cases, pain is a remainder we're alive. And for those of us that don't believe in the afterlife, well... denying pain is denying life. Second, when you put yourself out there, take a chance, you're going to get hurt. Another simple fact. But most importantly, that was the point of the entire conversation - that I'd prefer to find out first, and deal with it immediately, then have to find out later. Something like that. 'Cause now, not only do I have to deal with all the pain, but there's other things - uncertainty, for instance. I don't know if, if I hadn't found out, if she would have ever told me. Not that it's really any of my business, but it does have a bearing on our relationship. I have to deal with how stupid I feel, thinking everything was okay, when all the time, the world was laughing at me behind me back.
Fun times.
So, I didn't really feel like going to the Sonic party after that. Kristin called to make sure I was coming, and I told her that I wasn't planning on it. She got really upset - Kristin always seems so happy to see me come out to parties - and she put Bruce on the phone. I pretty much knew what he was going to say, but I let him say it anyway. Yep, Leslie was going to come by the party. Quick backstory: Leslie was a fountain/carhop when I started workingt there. I did, in fact, have a crush on her for a while (for those of you who are starting to think I seem to have crushes on a lot of people, all the time, or something like that, this was four years ago.) This was one of those that I knew would never come to fruitation - I'm not stupid. She eventually became a manager for a while, but she moved. We did hang out outside of work a few times - she went with me to see Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, among other things. Apparently, though, she was something of a slut. I'm *still* hearing about different guys at Sonic she hooked up with, or tried to, or something along those lines.
Anyway.
I hadn't seen her since she had left. So, I pretty much had to go at this point. Luckily, the tears hadn't set in yet. They would come, though.
I got there... saw Marny, who had definitely put on a few years. Leah was there too, along with the old favorites - Rudy, Ray, Freddie, Krisin, Allison, Erica (positioning herself to keep Marny and Rudy apart, since he's dating Allison now, who lives with Erica, except she's moving out to move back in with James, and I think they're getting back together, which is just messed up. Anyway.) I said hey to everybody, but wasn't very socialable. I basically just ended up sitting on the couch by myself, 'til Leslie got there. Kristin was a little drunk, so when I picked her up and hugged her, she tried to wrap her legs around me (didn't happen). Devon came in, which was a surprise. She's *so* tall. She was a giantess on skates - we opened together a few times, back before we did breakfast. Those were the days.
Anyway.
I didn't really mingle with anyone, for two reasons. First, I'm an outcast. Always have been, always will be. I don't fit in with groups, even when it's a group of friends. So, with this group of people I've worked with for years, I really don't belong. It's not anything to do with them - they're always more then welcoming and accepting, despite my proven... contrast. Second, my SaD was coming on really, really strong. Makes sense, given my current mental state. I almost left twice, before she even got there. Oh, and I almost asked for a drink, to get completely smashed for once, since I didn't really care at that point. Neither happened, though. But what did happen is that Leslie did *finally* show up. I got up, hugged her; we talked for about twenty seconds, and she went to say hi to everyone else. I left; it was about all I could take.
I would later find out from Bruce that Leslie was *not* happy. She went into the crowd, said hey to everyone, got a drink, and came back, hoping to talk to me, and I had left. Looking back, it would have been nice to have a chance to talk to her after so long. Of course, I don't think it would have gone very well. I would have ended up just crying on her shoulder for the majority of the conversation. At that point, though, I still hadn't broken down.
It happened on the way home. It really hit me, full force. I started crying like I hadn't cried in a long time. I didn't really relish the thought of going home and lying in my bed, so I called Rose to see if she had found something to do, or if the invitation was still good. I'm not entirely sure how she understood me, since I was fairly incoherent at that point. I don't really know what I said or anything, but I think she understood what was going on. Or rather, what I was asking, or something like that. She told me to go ahead and come up. I stopped by the house, grabbed my toothbrush, my carebear, and some shorts (I was still wearing my green pants, from going to the Sonic party), and drove up there. I balled my eyes out the whole way there. Not a pleasent experience. I just didn't really know how to react, how to deal with it. I mean, the lose, I could handle. But not that she didn't tell me, that she in fact told me the exact opposite, despite having a converation about that exact thing.
So, I got there. Rose had ordered pizza, and we had some pizza. Domino's, oddly enough. I spilled the whole story to her. Again, I don't know how comprehensible I was, though, as I was still crying. She seemed to follow, though. I hadn't seen Rose in a while. We talked for a few hours. That was when she told me that she thinks I might need professional help, and when she told me that my eyes are really pretty when they're all bloodshot from crying. I ended up crawling into her bed (I'd forgotten how comfortable it is) and crashing, while she stayed downstairs packing. She came up and woke me up Saturday morning 'bout 9:45. I came downstairs and saw that I had 2 missed calls from Sonic. I called up there; Adam answered. I asked him about the calls, he said "No, but I do know we're having a meeting right now." and hung up. I had totally forgotten, but even if I hadn't, I don't think it would have really changed anything.
Katie (Fink) stopped by. Another girl in this story I've had a crush on. This was... before they moved up there, so... nine months? Something like that. I think it was in late spring of last year, after we started hanging out together, before they moved up. Anyway. Turns out she married James Bluebird. She's now Katie Fink-Bluebird, which is just awesome. Also turns out not only do we have the same phone, but we use the same ringtone, and the same background! It was pretty cool. We loaded up the black vehicle and my truck with stuff, and drove on down to San Marcos and unloaded it into Rose's room. We also stopped by my house; apparently, Crystal and Mom were having a garage sale (didn't think to mention it to me, or anything). We all had some chips and queso; Rose showed off her tatoo. It was getting to be about 2 or 3 at this point, so we left. I took Rose by the Storage Place to get a unit, and dropped her off. There was one point that came up, though. Apparently, I thought she was getting a ride back up to Austin with Katie and James, but that they thought she was riding up with me.
Hmm...
I told her I could come get her after work and we could head up then. She decided to hang around town, so it worked. Work that night was... interesting. I didn't break down in tears in front of the crew, though I did have to go back to the bathroom twice or three times to compose myself. Picked up Rose after work, and we headed back up to Austin. This was when it started getting all cold and stuff.
Lilie called while Rose and I were driving to Austin. She told me that she had seen my blog, and was curious if I was okay, 'cause it sounded like I was mad or something. I told her that no, I was fine, just tired. She accepted that. Rose felt that I had to get her to tell me about what she had done, but I didn't think she would. So, I called her back about two minutes later. I said something along the lines of "Actually, no, everything's not okay. I don't like being lied to, so I'm not going to lie to you. I read your journal." Her response? "I don't have a journal." Priceless. "Yes, you do." "I haven't written in it in over a year." "Your blog." "How'd you find it?" Then I explained to her how I found it. She said something about not wanting to hurt me (how predictable), and that getting away was still the pervading reason for her trip. It was a really frustration conversation, because my truck is *not* quiet, and her reception was really bad, and she was talking quietly, so I kept having to ask her to repeat herself three and four times.
So that was fun. Rose and I finally got back to Austin; she was really tired, so we both just headed to bed. I hadn't slept with Rose in a long time, and it felt nice. We slept in fairly late, so we decided to finish it up Monday. The problem was that her lease expired at 6, so we would only have time for one load. Since we didn't have time for one Sunday, it would have to have everything. As big as my truck was, it wasn't going to work. I called David, and he said he'd be happy to come lend a hand. Major victory there. So I ended up throwing some stuff in my truck - two tables, three chairs, and the recliner, and took it down and dropped it off in the storage unit on my way to work. Work was... fun. There are five stages of loss - denial, barganing, anger, grief, and acceptance. I don't know the order. I've never had a problem with denial, and I don't really believe in bargaining, which leaves acceptance, grief, and anger. I did grief earlier, but I hit anger head on. I was really, really mad at her. I stayed mad at her for a while.
She didn't come online Sunday night, though she was on Y! briefly, but I didn't say anything. I didn't talk to her until Monday afternoon on WoW. She asked if I wanted to come over and talk, and I told her I'd be by later, after helping Rose move, and I'd have the DVD burner to let her borrow. So I drove up to Austin, and we finished getting Rose out of there. We didn't leave Austin until... 9 or so, though. Delays kept popping up. I felt so bad for David, since I had given him the impression that this would be a fairly minor undertaking, and it kept stretching on and on and on. But we finally got her moved out, down to San Marcos, and unloaded in her room. So after that, I went to Lilie's.
Went in, gave her the DVD burner; her phone rang, so I sat on the couch. She got off fairly quickly, and came over and sat next to me and put her head on my arm. I didn't really respond. She had said she wanted to talk, and it was going to have to start with her (it still does). I didn't really have anything to say.
A'ight, I just took a little nap, and it's 8 am, so I have to leave for class. I'll try later to finish this mighty epic.
2005-02-05
Ah-ha!
Shelley logged on right as I was leaving, and they haven't really got their profiles right, so I saw Lilie's away message. The last line:
"And I'm not giving in this time."
So the And was off, but the crucial word - in - is like in the song, not what I thought it said.
Heh.
"And I'm not giving in this time."
So the And was off, but the crucial word - in - is like in the song, not what I thought it said.
Heh.
Still working on saying goodbye to you
So I tried googlin' this one, but didn't get anything:
"You make me feel like a dog standing on a toolbox in the back of a pickup truck doing 90 round a corner just tryin' to hang on for dear life..."
However,
"So baby run
Cut a path across the blue sky
Straight in a straight line, you can't get here fast enough
Find a truck and fire it up
Lean on the gas and off the clutch
Leave Texas in the dust
I need you in a rush
So baby run..."
came up as "Run" by George Strait. Well, except that it says "Dallas" instead of "Texas". I can't help but believe that these are about Scott (we'll learn about him later). Anyway.
I don't know how much of this I'll be able to go through, since I have to leave for work in twenty minutes, but we'll see. I just feel like getting it all out now.
So, that was the backstory. A couple weeks ago, Lilie said that she was taking a vacation. She didn't want anyone to know where she was going, but she did this fairly religiously twice a year or so, to get away from the world. I accepted it at the time, didn't really say anything about it. I mean, the thought crossed my mind that there was something else involved, but I dismissed it - generally, when thoughts like that come up, they're just me being insecure, so I don't lend them any credence. The only real force allowing me to do that, though, is trust in the other person. More on that later.
So, last week. I think it was... Monday night? Somehow, Lilie and I ended up talking about us - probably my fault. I think I was asking her about her kissing me or something; I don't really remember, and it's not terribly germane. She said something about just having issues right now, and used the phrase "commitment/relationship/monogamy". Now, the first two, I could understand, but the third one really threw me for a loop. I replied with something along the lines of 'And here I was going to make a joke about how I was so afraid you were leaving this weekend to go see some guy, 'cause I'm really afraid that you are.' I was giving her every chance to deny it. I mean, if she wasn't, there really wasn't any reason not to. She didn't. She said, "I really wish I knew what to say to that." (Maybe "respond"? Not sure.) Now, reading that, I concluded that was, in fact, almost an admittance that she was going to see some guy. I was crushed. I thought things were over between us at that point, and was prepared to tell her as much Tuesday night.
Tuesday night, I went over there. I was joining her RP guild on Feathermoon, but couldn't access the website from my computer for whatever reason - that reason being Grande, my ISP, sucks. Anyhoo, for most of it, I acted like nothing was wrong. In fact, we even kissed a few times, kinda like the old days. Except - I was kissing her goodbye. I wanted to be something special to someone, which I didn't think I was anymore. So, eventually, I started crying, and she was a little worried, and finally got me to start talking. I explained what was going on, and my reaction to that, and how how I felt. We ended up having a really long, heartfelt (at least I thought at the time), sincere (again, I guess that was just on my side) conversation. What it boils down to is a few differences between us. I'm very open - when I like someone, I don't hold back; when I trust people, I do so without any reservation. I don't mind sharing just about any detail of my life, and feel that knowledge is always better than ignorance. She, on the other hand, is "bitter and cynical; a selfish bitch" or something along those lines. She told me that she wasn't used to explaining herself or justifying herself to anyone, as she hadn't had to in over six years, whereas I was probably more used to it, since I still live with my mom.
I don't really remember how long we talked for... half an hour? Forty five minutes? We did end up on the dining room floor, lying there and talking. I know I cried somewhat; I don't remember if her eyes misted up or anything. I told her that I wanted to be special - and I'll explain what I mean by that later - and she told me that I was. She'd always smile when she saw a DDR machine, 'cause it reminded her of me. (Yay.) She talked about how she wasn't sure if we could ever really just be friends, and was worried about how I'd handle her dating other guys. I explained that I know I'm young compared to her (in terms of life experience) and naive and idealistic, but I'm not stupid. I *know* she'll date other guys. I can deal with that. I just can't deal with this behind-the-back type stuff about it. She told me that she wasn't going to see some other guy ("Do I really come off as that much of a slut?") and that she didn't deny it then 'cause she just wasn't used to explaining herself.
So I felt way better after this conversation, and left, feeling like an ass for making such an out-there assumption, and taking this action based on it.
This will, of course, blow up in my face in two days. But you already knew that.
Wait... I went over there on Wednesday, I think. 'Cause we were going to hang out the next day - Thursday - except she had to go to work early.
I'm confused on what happened on which day. But the order is right, and that's really all that counts, I s'pose.
Friday morning.
So the morning that she was going to leave, I burned her four CDs for the trip - two dance compilations, a dance megeamix, and a Jewel compilation. I also made copies of the first two for myself. Went over there 'bout 6:30 am, but she had already left. Darn, I figured I'd give them to her when I got back.
Friday night.
So, Rose's lease expired on Monday, and I was going to help her move out over the weekend. Except, I worked 5 - C Saturday and Sunday, so we were going to do it in the mornings. Rose was asking if I wanted to come up there and crash that night, then wake up early and start, but I figured I'd just wake up early and drive up there in the morning. There was also a Sonic party going on, but I didn't really want to go.
Kristin calls, and I talk to Bruce, and apparently, Leslie is going to be there, so I decide to go a little later. So I'm lying at home, bored, when I pull up Lilie's old LiveJournal while going through my bookmarks. It has a new post (first time in over a year), which reads as follows:
"No, I don't update my journal.
I have another one.
But I'm not telling you what it is.
Muahahahahahahaha*cough, hack*hahaha!
Or something.
2004 sucked. Let's hope 2005 is better."
That flips my memory, and I remember her mentioning that she had started a blog, but didn't want anyone to read it. So I decided to look for it. Now, before you criticize me for that decision, keep in mind several key points:
Took me... three minutes, maybe. Probably not even that. My third guess was correct, and I found her blog. Now, I won't post the address or anything terribly private, but several key excerpts:
"Dating B technically, but S, who I've known since the dawn of time, is all acting interested again...it's kind of disturbing. We won't talk for six months or so, but when we do, we have such a connection. Only problem is that he lives in NY. So that's kinda not really feasible...but anyway."
Note the "six months". And she takes her vacation(?) twice a year or so? Probably just a random coincidence, but something to note anyway. That's dated Dec. 19th.
Jan. 01
"Split with B didn't help...I didn't mention that, did I? Right. So yeah, we broke up. I couldn't handle it. What the hell makes me think I can handle dating S instead? There's like...twenty-six states between here and Troy"
"But...I dunno what I'm gonna do about this thing with S...I'm goin to visit him end of the month, it's kinda scary."
I felt like something snapped inside of me when I read that post. Now, I know she's going to date and/or be with other guys - I can handle that. It's going to hurt, sure, but that's something you accept when you date someone. Or rather, you should, or you're just being childish. But the way she lied to me about it - trying to turn it into me accusing her of something - "Do I really come off as that big of a slut?" - like I should feel guilty for even considering the possibility? I mean, we had this big conversation about it, and she was lying to me about it even then. It wouldn't be such a big deal, if she didn't claim to like me, that I was special to her. I'm so insecure, and when something like this - the vacation, I mean - comes up, the *only* thing I have is my trust in them. That's it. And she broke it completely. She was trying to tell me how she'd rather not know, but she was using some weird example of some ex-boyfriend who started dating someone else. That's a... little different, and I think she knows it. For example, when I made the post about being all sad about missing the chance to make a real commitment, (the post about WoW), she called me that night and wanted to know what I was talking about. I didn't want to tell her, to surprise her, but she got really upset when I wouldn't - "Left to my own devices, I get all paranoid about things like this, like it should be something that's going to upset me, or make me sad, or jealous...". Right. Double standard?
Looks like I have to go to work now - I'll finish up that weekend when I get back.
"You make me feel like a dog standing on a toolbox in the back of a pickup truck doing 90 round a corner just tryin' to hang on for dear life..."
However,
"So baby run
Cut a path across the blue sky
Straight in a straight line, you can't get here fast enough
Find a truck and fire it up
Lean on the gas and off the clutch
Leave Texas in the dust
I need you in a rush
So baby run..."
came up as "Run" by George Strait. Well, except that it says "Dallas" instead of "Texas". I can't help but believe that these are about Scott (we'll learn about him later). Anyway.
I don't know how much of this I'll be able to go through, since I have to leave for work in twenty minutes, but we'll see. I just feel like getting it all out now.
So, that was the backstory. A couple weeks ago, Lilie said that she was taking a vacation. She didn't want anyone to know where she was going, but she did this fairly religiously twice a year or so, to get away from the world. I accepted it at the time, didn't really say anything about it. I mean, the thought crossed my mind that there was something else involved, but I dismissed it - generally, when thoughts like that come up, they're just me being insecure, so I don't lend them any credence. The only real force allowing me to do that, though, is trust in the other person. More on that later.
So, last week. I think it was... Monday night? Somehow, Lilie and I ended up talking about us - probably my fault. I think I was asking her about her kissing me or something; I don't really remember, and it's not terribly germane. She said something about just having issues right now, and used the phrase "commitment/relationship/monogamy". Now, the first two, I could understand, but the third one really threw me for a loop. I replied with something along the lines of 'And here I was going to make a joke about how I was so afraid you were leaving this weekend to go see some guy, 'cause I'm really afraid that you are.' I was giving her every chance to deny it. I mean, if she wasn't, there really wasn't any reason not to. She didn't. She said, "I really wish I knew what to say to that." (Maybe "respond"? Not sure.) Now, reading that, I concluded that was, in fact, almost an admittance that she was going to see some guy. I was crushed. I thought things were over between us at that point, and was prepared to tell her as much Tuesday night.
Tuesday night, I went over there. I was joining her RP guild on Feathermoon, but couldn't access the website from my computer for whatever reason - that reason being Grande, my ISP, sucks. Anyhoo, for most of it, I acted like nothing was wrong. In fact, we even kissed a few times, kinda like the old days. Except - I was kissing her goodbye. I wanted to be something special to someone, which I didn't think I was anymore. So, eventually, I started crying, and she was a little worried, and finally got me to start talking. I explained what was going on, and my reaction to that, and how how I felt. We ended up having a really long, heartfelt (at least I thought at the time), sincere (again, I guess that was just on my side) conversation. What it boils down to is a few differences between us. I'm very open - when I like someone, I don't hold back; when I trust people, I do so without any reservation. I don't mind sharing just about any detail of my life, and feel that knowledge is always better than ignorance. She, on the other hand, is "bitter and cynical; a selfish bitch" or something along those lines. She told me that she wasn't used to explaining herself or justifying herself to anyone, as she hadn't had to in over six years, whereas I was probably more used to it, since I still live with my mom.
I don't really remember how long we talked for... half an hour? Forty five minutes? We did end up on the dining room floor, lying there and talking. I know I cried somewhat; I don't remember if her eyes misted up or anything. I told her that I wanted to be special - and I'll explain what I mean by that later - and she told me that I was. She'd always smile when she saw a DDR machine, 'cause it reminded her of me. (Yay.) She talked about how she wasn't sure if we could ever really just be friends, and was worried about how I'd handle her dating other guys. I explained that I know I'm young compared to her (in terms of life experience) and naive and idealistic, but I'm not stupid. I *know* she'll date other guys. I can deal with that. I just can't deal with this behind-the-back type stuff about it. She told me that she wasn't going to see some other guy ("Do I really come off as that much of a slut?") and that she didn't deny it then 'cause she just wasn't used to explaining herself.
So I felt way better after this conversation, and left, feeling like an ass for making such an out-there assumption, and taking this action based on it.
This will, of course, blow up in my face in two days. But you already knew that.
Wait... I went over there on Wednesday, I think. 'Cause we were going to hang out the next day - Thursday - except she had to go to work early.
I'm confused on what happened on which day. But the order is right, and that's really all that counts, I s'pose.
Friday morning.
So the morning that she was going to leave, I burned her four CDs for the trip - two dance compilations, a dance megeamix, and a Jewel compilation. I also made copies of the first two for myself. Went over there 'bout 6:30 am, but she had already left. Darn, I figured I'd give them to her when I got back.
Friday night.
So, Rose's lease expired on Monday, and I was going to help her move out over the weekend. Except, I worked 5 - C Saturday and Sunday, so we were going to do it in the mornings. Rose was asking if I wanted to come up there and crash that night, then wake up early and start, but I figured I'd just wake up early and drive up there in the morning. There was also a Sonic party going on, but I didn't really want to go.
Kristin calls, and I talk to Bruce, and apparently, Leslie is going to be there, so I decide to go a little later. So I'm lying at home, bored, when I pull up Lilie's old LiveJournal while going through my bookmarks. It has a new post (first time in over a year), which reads as follows:
"No, I don't update my journal.
I have another one.
But I'm not telling you what it is.
Muahahahahahahaha*cough, hack*hahaha!
Or something.
2004 sucked. Let's hope 2005 is better."
That flips my memory, and I remember her mentioning that she had started a blog, but didn't want anyone to read it. So I decided to look for it. Now, before you criticize me for that decision, keep in mind several key points:
- If you don't want something read, DON'T post it online
- Even if you do, don't tell people about it
- And especially don't make a "Haha, I'm not going to tell you where it is" type post. That's a challenge, pure and simple.
Took me... three minutes, maybe. Probably not even that. My third guess was correct, and I found her blog. Now, I won't post the address or anything terribly private, but several key excerpts:
"Dating B technically, but S, who I've known since the dawn of time, is all acting interested again...it's kind of disturbing. We won't talk for six months or so, but when we do, we have such a connection. Only problem is that he lives in NY. So that's kinda not really feasible...but anyway."
Note the "six months". And she takes her vacation(?) twice a year or so? Probably just a random coincidence, but something to note anyway. That's dated Dec. 19th.
Jan. 01
"Split with B didn't help...I didn't mention that, did I? Right. So yeah, we broke up. I couldn't handle it. What the hell makes me think I can handle dating S instead? There's like...twenty-six states between here and Troy"
"But...I dunno what I'm gonna do about this thing with S...I'm goin to visit him end of the month, it's kinda scary."
I felt like something snapped inside of me when I read that post. Now, I know she's going to date and/or be with other guys - I can handle that. It's going to hurt, sure, but that's something you accept when you date someone. Or rather, you should, or you're just being childish. But the way she lied to me about it - trying to turn it into me accusing her of something - "Do I really come off as that big of a slut?" - like I should feel guilty for even considering the possibility? I mean, we had this big conversation about it, and she was lying to me about it even then. It wouldn't be such a big deal, if she didn't claim to like me, that I was special to her. I'm so insecure, and when something like this - the vacation, I mean - comes up, the *only* thing I have is my trust in them. That's it. And she broke it completely. She was trying to tell me how she'd rather not know, but she was using some weird example of some ex-boyfriend who started dating someone else. That's a... little different, and I think she knows it. For example, when I made the post about being all sad about missing the chance to make a real commitment, (the post about WoW), she called me that night and wanted to know what I was talking about. I didn't want to tell her, to surprise her, but she got really upset when I wouldn't - "Left to my own devices, I get all paranoid about things like this, like it should be something that's going to upset me, or make me sad, or jealous...". Right. Double standard?
Looks like I have to go to work now - I'll finish up that weekend when I get back.
